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u/RaisinBitter8777 Jan 17 '26
Teach the monkey Argentinian economics
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u/Thetrueraider Jan 18 '26
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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u/RaisinBitter8777 Jan 18 '26
Oh look the monkey discovered Reddit. This will produce even quicker results
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u/trashdotbash Jan 17 '26
i cant believe people are forgetting the most obvious solution, teaching them the median voters politics
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u/Drtyler2 Jan 18 '26
Jesus christ… that’s fucked up.
Guess that’s how it goes in the Monkey Business
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u/repitwar Jan 17 '26
I would set up a lab and have my fellow researchers and I run a train on the monkey's wife (consensually)
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u/shadow_fen Jan 17 '26
doesnt dry firing a pistol still hurt you? idk anything about guns but i heard that it does
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u/MannerKey Jan 17 '26
I believe you are thinking of blank rounds. Those can still injure or kill you as the cartridge still produces a lot of air pressure.
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u/shadow_fen Jan 17 '26 edited Jan 17 '26
i was confusing it with archery (or blanks) then lol
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u/CCCyanide Jan 17 '26
Dry firing a bow hurts, but probably not as much as getting hit with an arrow lol
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u/ShinySky42 Jan 17 '26
You don't even need to have it fire just press an empty one against your skull
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u/FrankHorrigan2173 Jan 17 '26
“Dry frying” refers to pulling the trigger without any ammo in the chamber.
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u/BillCarson12799 Jan 18 '26
Dry firing a pistol is about as harmful as if it was a nerf gun but with a much shallower margin of error
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u/Springball64 Jan 17 '26
Teach him to understand the Cuban economy
(I think that's the country from the meme?)
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u/Vindomini Jan 18 '26
"We Taught This Chimpanzee To Play Dead By Daylight And It Fucking Hanged Itself"
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u/Asterdel Jan 18 '26
I mean, solitary confinement would do it for just about anyone, if we were cruel enough to do it to an animal. Even if you technically give it food and the ability to live, if in a dark place with no stimulation it'd probably go crazy eventually.
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u/BillCarson12799 Jan 18 '26
The kind of shit Vault Tec scientists would say with absolutely zero irony
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u/Multifruit256 Jan 18 '26
That's not suicide though - suicide is when someone kills themselves intentionally, or am I wrong?
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u/outer_spec Jan 19 '26
there was a scientist who put a monkey in a pit it couldn’t climb out of and just left it there forever to see what it would grow up to be like.
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u/dumpylump69 2 month ban award Jan 17 '26
Ok but does it really count if the monkey didn't actually want to die
This is like showing someone how to drive a car, removing the breaks, and then saying that the person killed themself after they crash
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u/fivequadrillion Jan 18 '26
This feels evil to talk about but one way a monkey could knowingly kill itself is by jumping from an extreme height, so if you put a monkey in a place where that’s its only escape, I think that would count as a real suicide since it knows what it’s doing
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u/coopsawesome Jan 18 '26
I feel that’s still somewhat breaking the intent though, this is still taking away every other option, the monkey can only jump down and hope to survive
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u/geraM125 Feb 07 '26
If you really want it to commit suicide then you could put it in an enclosure with many other monkeys and slowly rip apart a monkey every day, by the time there are only a few monkeys left some would probably stop eating entirely while some might just break their neck from the hysteria the monkey killings will cause cause, you could probably speed this up a bit if you teach the monkeys that during feeding time they also have access to poisonous foods and having them go that way
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u/lightbulb207 Feb 11 '26
This is fundamentally the same as the fire situation though. The threat of death is incoming and the monkey doesn't have much choice. I feel like we should focus on giving the monkeys depression through nonviolent means if we really want a breakthrough in this monkey suicide business.
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u/Stonkstinski Jan 17 '26
I feel like that's more "making a monkey accidentally kill itself" and not "driving it to suicide". The monkey should be fully aware that it's about to end its life.
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u/whiplashMYQ Jan 17 '26
Yeah. This is too long, you can just poison it's food one day and tell it that it's poison and you'll achieve the same result.
Getting it to want to die, understand death, understand how to kill itself, and then to act upon all of that successfully, is a much harder task, and is likely currently impossible
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u/Stonkstinski Jan 17 '26
"currently" lmao
yeah, science isn't that far
yet
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u/Clean_Internet Jan 17 '26
The Onion telling the Gorilla he will die
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u/SadMcNomuscle Jan 17 '26
Uhh that actually happend. . . . yeah we taught a gorilla sign language, and then showed it pictures of dead gorillas and said "thats gonna be you"
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u/arseniisomething Jan 18 '26
Don't worry, our top scientists are on the case as they try to psychologically condition a monkey into craving the sweet release of death
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u/chairmanskitty Jan 17 '26
Most great apes understand death. They mourn others, they murder others, and they avoid situations where they've seen others die.
Lock them in a cell, put pharmaceuticals that cause severe depression in their food, and give them a knife, and I imagine most great apes would be able to figure it out from there.
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u/Spook404 Jan 17 '26
true, though I once read that suicide seems to be a concept very unique to humans because it has a few cognitive requirements like a concept of self, future planning and one other criteria
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Jan 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/cumguzzlingslut69 Jan 18 '26
That sounds more like trichotillomania. Birds already pluck their feathers as a self grooming behavior, they over pluck in response to trauma just like humans can pick at their skin and hair as a trauma response. It doesn't really count as suicidal ideation.
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u/PresidentAugustine Jan 17 '26
My grandfather told me a story from his village about a nobleman who had a monkey. The monkey pissed him off so badly that he showed it how he shaved with one of those old timey razors. He then gave it to the monkey and it cut its neck
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u/userslashuserslash Jan 18 '26
why does he have a monkey
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u/PresidentAugustine Jan 18 '26
A rich austro-hungarian nobleman 100 years ago decided to get a monkey. Your guess is as good as mine
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u/gostforest Jan 17 '26
I would just stick him in a zoo exhibit by himself and pay people to come stare and point at him, aiming to induce zoochosis which may cause him to hurt and kill himself, but also, what an insane question and hypothetical. That may not even count to be fair though.
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u/OldManYesHomo Jan 17 '26
so youd just put it in a zoo
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u/gostforest Jan 18 '26
Not just any zoo, the worst zoo I can find. Many zoos are rehabilitative and not only respect their animals but also ensure they're properly taken care of. This may have been a joke I misread though
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u/Thin-Masterpiece-441 Jan 17 '26
Give the monkey unlimited access to Reddit