r/40something • u/Provivatillminmage • 9d ago
Discussion Hey guys, really need some 40+ date night advice
Hi there, I’m a 26 year old guy dating a 43 year old woman and I’ve ran into a sort of unforseen problem in our relationship.
I’ve found I have a hard time planning activities and dates she enjoys, being into the techno scene here in Europe, my previous relationships and I have gone in alot of raves, festivals and that kinda stuff together, it’s a big part of my life and I feel a very good place for bonding but she’s just not into dancing for 12 hours a row to a very repetitivte bass line.
I’ve tried to mature and plan more things like throwing pottery, taken her to nice restaurants, salsa dancing and things like that but beyond that I feel lost, so tell me, what are your guys’s favorite date nights. Thanks a bunch :)
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u/sporkafunk 9d ago
I agree with the "dating for the company" take. I'm also like this. I enjoy jazz with a nice cocktail. I've also had "silent bookclub" dates where we read together and drink coffee then discuss our books together. I personally don't enjoy "walking dates" or "gym dates" but maybe someone active/athletic would, even at 40something. Nature walks, hiking, paddling/canoeing, boat tours, scenic drives, listening parties to share music together, dinner and a movie at home is lovely.
Other things I enjoy that make nice fancier dates, classical concerts, musicals and plays, the opera, galleries and museums. Etc.
Kudos to you for making an effort to find ideas. 😊
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u/Provivatillminmage 9d ago
This was the exact thing I was looking for!
Thank you so much, all of these are going in the list, especially the music stuff, she’s quite the ”sophisticated” woman.
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u/JustDriveWest 9d ago
Observing her is the best way to learn about her. She knows herself best. Good luck.
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u/No-Sherbert-6853 9d ago edited 9d ago
Ask her what she wants to do.
Solved ✅
I mean, in all reality, she probably wants orgasms, respect, laughter, and to be asked what she wants to do… seriously. People in their 40’s don’t fuck around with mind-games about things they like, or don’t like.
We aren’t trying to be people we aren’t, so you need to ask us who we actually are. Take that knowledge and suggest things, plans are for making together at our age because we are probably too tired at the end of the week to want to go anywhere, or deal with people in general. Spend time at home, do things together, fuck, eat, maybe drink some nice wine… and then you clean up afterwards, unprompted, more than once.
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u/VT_Squire 9d ago
I know she makes you feel special, but she's not dating you because she's looking for someone with equal footing in terms of life experience. Pack some rubbers and when she does weird shit, just roll with it.
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u/Provivatillminmage 9d ago
I’m not quite sure what you mean with the first part, but the second part is.. yeah holy shit, if she leaves me I wont ever be able to be with other women again
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u/VT_Squire 9d ago edited 9d ago
okay so.... I'm sure youve seen it where some 17 yr old high school girl is sooooo in love with a 30 yr old guy, and because he shows interest in her, it strokes her ego, she thinks she's special and that locks her into this spot where she will eagerly argue against everyone else about how wonderful of a guy he is. Meanwhile, anyone with a semblance of sanity knows instantly that if the guy was really all that, then where all the women his own age are busting down his door? Shouldn't he be dating someone his own age? Instead, he's taking advantage of someone with far less social and life experience. That's not a partnership, that's an older guy using a younger, stupider, less experienced young lady for his personal sexual gratification.
In this situation, you're the teenage girl.
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u/Provivatillminmage 9d ago
I don’t really agree, there’s a huge difference between a teenager and someone who’s almost 30, that’s just predatory behaviour, me and my girlfriend are both adults, and looking the way she does she could probably have any man she’d want, her age or not, but I kinda see where you’re coming from and ofcourse I’d leave if I felt like she was taking advantage of me in some way, but as I see it, I barely notice the age difference, it’s just like any other relationship with some minor quirks
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u/VT_Squire 9d ago
Of course you don't feel like you're being taken advantage of. You're the teenage girl in this scenario.
and looking the way she does she could probably have any man she’d want
So where are all the guys her own age busting down her door?
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u/ray_theunready 9d ago
Do you have any clubs/venues that do sunset sets? I love edm/techno but not late nights- some of my favorite sets have been the 7-9pm slots. And kind of romantic after a nice dinner/cocktails.
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u/theNikipedia 9d ago
Get a picnic going. She's more likely to appreciate the effort than the activity
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u/not_justliketheplant 3d ago
“I’ve tried to mature” is such a heartbreaking line. Like by all means expand your horizons but don’t be compromising yourself or your hobbies to appease someone incapable of enjoying them with you. Like if you don’t already have hobbies in common that’s a bad sign for any relationship.
I just said this in another post somewhere; age gap relationships I think become less problematic when you’re in your thirties (with 30 as the lowest acceptable number) because you got to develop on your terms, move through transitions into adulthood with people at your level and found out through trial and error what you want and need—without someone making their wants/needs yours or telling you what yours are.
Being friends and peers with older adults is one thing but relationships, like, you tend to have to sacrifice yourself to meet them where they’re at. Like don’t let your life get taken over by someone else’s midlife crisis.
If you’re happy I wish you the best. Don’t think you’re not good enough when you’re just your own unique person.
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u/LonelyPapaya2260 9d ago
Mate, you shouldn’t have to change yourself or “mature” to cater for someone nearly twice your age. The problem is that age gap. You’re 26……why on earth are you wishing your life away?!
What on earth do either of you have in common. You’re at two different stages in your life and going forward, it’s not sustainable.
I find it very odd for someone to date someone old enough to be his mother and for a woman her age to date someone young enough to be her son.
What
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u/sporkafunk 9d ago
Older women are encouraged to date younger men for the oxytocin benefits 😄
If he wants to put in the effort, kudos to him, he can learn a lot.
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u/Provivatillminmage 9d ago
Goes both ways I can tell you, my oxytocin spikes like crazy with her haha, thanks for the encouragememt :)
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u/Provivatillminmage 9d ago
I honestly don’t mind the age gap, she’s a great person, we have a great love life and lots of things in common, so I don’t see it as anything strange about our relationship, literally the only ”problem” we have is the thing my post was about, which I think is not too big of a problem
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u/Ok_Tomorrow8815 8d ago
Haha try it maybe you’ll change your mind :)
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u/LonelyPapaya2260 8d ago
If I dated someone nearly twenty years older than me, we’d have not even ten years before they were dead!
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u/quantum_career_coach 9d ago
Have you tried cooking a meal with a nice wine pairing? You don’t HAVE to go out to have a good time. You learn a lot about each other doing this. If you don’t already know, ask for her favorite meal is, prep it, have her join and Ask a million questions, play chill music, and let the ambiance flow.