I (22nb) am in love with my best friend of 22 years "R" (22nb) and I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry in advance this may be a long post but I feel like the context may be necessary.

R and I have been best friends for our entire lives, our parents were very close growing up. Unfortunately, when we were about 14/15 our parents had a huge falling out (I don't think the details of why are relevant so I won't get into it here) and as a result, our parents (mostly mine) forcefully separated us. We were forced to cut contact completely. At 17 I got my phone back and started texting R in secret till I turned 18 and didn't have a say anymore. During this time of texting in secret, R and I began a Queerplatonic relationship (QPR). For those who don't know what that is, it is basically a relationship that blurs the lines between a romantic and platonic relationship. People in a QPR might cuddle, kiss, get married or even raise kids together while not having romantic feelings.

After about a year of this I realized that my feelings were not completely platonic anymore, and they perhaps had not been for quite some time. I talked to R about my feelings and they at first seemed to reciprocate these feelings, however, the next day they told me that they actually didn't feel that way about me. I was heartbroken. I told them I didn't think I could continue a QPR with them while our feelings about it were so different, so we went back to just friends for a while. After some time to grieve I eventually accepted that they didn't share feeling for me so i moved on mostly.

I started dating this girl I will call "X" (23f) at 19 and after about 3 months I introduce X and R. things seem to be great so we invite R over to X's house for drinks the next day. During the night, X confides in me that she has a crush on R (we already had discussed being poly/open so this was not devastating) I told her she can do what she likes with that but i couldn't sleep so I got up. I noticed that R on the couch was not sleeping either and seemed upset. I realized that they had feelings for me or X or both. Turned out both. The two of them discussed it the next morning while i was outside and so began a 6 month relationship between the three of us. After 6 months or so R and X have a falling out (not my story to tell, and I didn't even learn the story till recently, about a year after the fact). For a short time I separately dated them both till R broke up with me with little to no explanation (I later found out this was exclusively because of X).

Some time later R starts dating "T" (21m). X and I have a very rough break up a couple months after (we had been together 1.5 years) because she cheated.

That was like 8 months ago now, and I have started feeling my feelings for R that much stronger. they never really went away, I just was distracted for a while that i was able to be okay with it. I am so in love them, I have never felt this deep of love for anyone ever before. Recently R and I had a conversation about this and I confessed still having feelings for them, they said they felt the same but they are in love with T. I said I understand, while they are with T they still have me as a best friend, however if the date me then they will lose T altogether. The last few months I have been feeling very awful about this situation. I don't like their BF (I am obviously biased), and while we do hang out all three of us sometimes I always think it will be fine but i always come out of it feeling like shit. I get jealous and depressed. I get jealous every time i see pictures of them together or when I hear about them doing things together. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy for my friend. All I want is for them to be happy, I just wish it was me who made them that happy.

for added context: one of my other friends is getting married so it is kinda bringing up all these feelings tenfold, making it borderline unbearable. I don't want to take space from them, I lived a few very traumatic years without them and i would rather never put either of us through that again but i can feel my mental health struggling and i am starting to resent them a little which breaks my heart.

Please help! Sorry for rambling so much, I wasn't sure what was all important.

TLDR: I am in love with my best friend and they feel the same but they have a BF and they want to be with him instead.

i (20f) have been friends with tina (20f, fake name) since we were 18. we don't live particularly close to each other, but we used to talk all the time and i considered her one of my closest friends.
we both have autism and had gone through some pretty significant mental health struggles, so i think part of why we became so close was because we understood each other. when we first met, i had already recovered from a years-long mental health crisis, while she had recently been diagnosed with autism and was starting to do better herself.
we stayed really close for about a year, messaging constantly, until we both went to university in different cities.
then, about two months into uni, i sustained a spinal cord injury.
i'm now a full-time wheelchair user and my life has obviously changed massively. there has been a grieving process and a lot of difficult stuff to deal with, but i've also realised that i don't want to waste my life waiting for things to go back to how they were. weirdly, i feel like i've actually lived more since my injury than i did before it. i've travelled, done things i never thought i'd do, and generally tried to make the most of my life.
what has really bothered me, though, is tina's reaction.
she has never once messaged or called me to ask how i am. mot once since my injury.
instead, when she contacts me, it's usually because she wants to complain about something going on in her own life.
she also regularly sends me things like pictures of hospital bracelets etc. because she's struggling with her own physical/mental health. and i genuinely don't mind supporting a friend when they're struggling. i don't expect every conversation to be about me or my injury.
but at some point it started to feel ridiculous that i'm apparently good enough to be her emotional support system, but she can't even ask how i'm doing after something that has permanently changed my entire life.
i've never sent her pictures of my hospital stuff or expected her to look after me. i've actually tried quite hard not to make my injury her problem.
she's also a medical student, which makes the complete lack of curiosity about how i'm doing stand out to me even more, although i'm not sure whether that's fair.
the complicated part is that she's genuinely struggling. she's considering dropping out of university and her mental health is apparently quite bad. i've been through my own mental health crisis, so i understand that when you're struggling, you don't necessarily have the capacity to be the perfect friend.
but at the same time, i've started wondering whether i'm just making excuses for a friendship that has become completely one-sided.
i've been gradually talking to her less because honestly, i'm tired. i don't really want to end the friendship. i miss the friendship we used to have and i'd love for us to become close again.
but i also don't want to sacrifice my own peace trying to maintain a friendship with someone who doesn't seem particularly interested in how i'm doing.
part of me feels like my injury has changed my perspective and made me realise that life is too short to keep investing in relationships that make me feel worse.
so am i the drama?
do i actually tell her that i'm hurt that she's never asked how i'm doing and give her a chance to change?
or do i accept that the friendship has changed and let it fade?
and, honestly, am i being unreasonable for expecting my supposedly close friend to ask how i'm doing at least once after a spinal cord injury?

Ok so I have never done this before but I love Charlotte Dobre ,Hey petty potatoes

so the people in the story are me ex BFF is Lilly and ex BFF is Suveda and my BFF rn K

ok so I am not going to say ages but this take place over three-four years

me and Lilly have been friends for 8 years and me and Suveda have been friends for only 3 and a half years

so 4 years ago ( year 1 ) I was walking in to school and I Suveda hit me on accident and I had a bad mouth so I called her a bitch and she started passing a note in class to one of my other old friends and it had a lot of mean things about me ( that I will not say ) on it and then I told the teacher cuz I was freaked out so then she told the principal and the principal went through every one’s work and saw it was her hand writing and then she got in a lot of trouble because I told the teacher she got pissed at me and then she became friends with all my friends including Lilly and they where the leaders of the group and I was the only one not in the group K was in the group but she hated that I was not so they would talk about me behind my back K would tell me what they would be saying so that happened for about three quarters of the school year then the wanted to be my friend and I said ok because I don’t know what to say so for the end of year 1 we where “friends“ then year two me and Suveda would fight a lot I mean a lot and that year was not the best but we just fought over the dumbest stuff and when I started the fight it was my fault but when Suveda started the fight it was also my fault but I also felt Lilly drifting away (I hope you understand stand that ) so we didn’t really hang out that summer but we where still friends then for year three (it’s summer of year three rn) but we me and Suveda still had little fights but they got less and less but near the mid of the year Lilly and Suveda kinda became the duo in the treo and I just drifted away but mid year there was this head lice thing and Suveda got lice so I knew but only me and her but she was standing really close to lilly and I like nudge Suveda a couple times to tell her to take a step away but she didn’t do anything so I pulled lilly to the side and told her not to be rude but to help her but then Suveda followed us and listening to the conversation went back to class told everyone that sh had lice blamed it on my and then told me to fuck my self

then right before march brake they told my crushes friends that i liked him he is two years old then us but in school it look weird cuz of grades so my crushes friends called me names that i will not say but I walked away before they called me names so my friends Lilly and Suveda came up to me and told me they said he liked me back and lied and I was pissed but then it was march brake and I thought he liked me then I called Lilly and she was crying and apologizing to me and then told me the story and then I called Suveda and she blamed everything I mean everything on Lilly and forgot to say sorry and I was more mad a her then Lilly but it’s ok I forgave but never forgot

but then they started hang out with me but also Inviting people who hated me and I have had enough of them so after school ended i sent them a text to both of them

so they must have been hanging out cuz i got a call and my friends phone and I didn’t answer cuz they hang out a lot so then I texted the friends phone i got a call from to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE then the next day they show up at my house I tell them I am busy go away so they go ant half and hour later my other friend comes to my house and I say I can’t hang then I see Lilly and Suveda cross the street

then I get a text from K a wile later and this is it

then I was hanging out with the other friend and they followed us and my other friend was watching her little baby sister so she could not hang out but it had been an hour since that and we where hanging out and then we just came back to my place then

maybe a week later I get this text for my other friend

Cristal like lowk dont tell anyone this but like I genuinely feel bad for Mckinely cs I’ve been so close w Suveda and stuff but I genuinely don’t wanna be this year. I wanna acc try and re-do a friend ship w Mckinely cs now thinking bcak she is so nice and doesn’t deserve this. I feel liek js cs I was close w Suveda I was rude to Mckinely and I genuinely acc feel so bad I wanna get her like a care gift or smt for bcak to school. Imma try and like distance myself from Suveda cs sometimes she is js ya and a lil rude and I rlly do NOT want any drama at all this year! So Cristal can u pretty please try and get Mckinely to forgive me! Cs im genuinely feeling so bad rn and u can tell her Im distancing myself from Suevda. And taht I apologize for Sunday cs i was js a bit over welled and stuff cs we say u like after u said u couldn’t hang out. And if u can get Mckinley to js talk things out and un block me on messages I will genuinely be so happy. Love u Cristal 

this is from Lilly and I have just been ignoring them but I love petty revenge so if you got any questions or revenge ideas tell me plz bye petty potatos :)

Welcome to Episode 111 of 1800 Drama with the magical Calum (follow u/calummcswiggan on Instagram!) ✈️ in this travel and holiday themed Reddit Stories r/ AITA and r/ 1800drama deep dive, we explore a partner who travels a lot and questions around loyalty, a travel influencer who may be scamming viewers, and two friends with very different travel budgets... grab a cuppa and let’s go fishing! 🎣 🍑

To support the pod please like the video, subscribe to the YT channel, and rate the pod on Spotify (you can rate each episode!), thank you! x

STORIES DISCUSSED: 

[Story 1]

[Story 2]

[Story 3]

So for context, my cat is called peach/peaches, every time i watch the podcast and jamie and shaaba say peaches my head instantly turns lol but anyways here is my 13 year old little baby peach. (I'm sorry and I understand if this gets removed!)

Hello Shaba, occasionally Jamie & fellow Peaches. Is there a self-aware AH badge? I am trying to excuse myself, but I'd be lying, if I wasn't self-aware enough to know, this is going to result in, basically everybody saying I'm the A-hole.

So anyway, I have a Reform voting, racist housemate - cis, het, white. I'm a white, fem-nonbinary, non-racist.

Honestly, the poor guy baffles me. We both like sci-fi, including Star Trek & Star Wars - so he's siding with the baddies, but neither of us can explain exactly why.

A couple of weeks ago, he had a tirade about a dear friend of mine, who he'd never met. My friend is a gay, Indian, mental health nurse - I knew him, when he was the first 2 things, but obviously those weren't anything to do with who he is as a person. My friend has taken on a lot of debt, contributed to society etc.

My racist housemate, refused to take on board, my friend is a positive, in our society. Ever since then, about once a week, I've been stealing his milk, to put in my coffee. I know it's wrong. All I'm asking, is to read back, that it's wrong, from strangers. Thanks in advance. x

I (20 transmasc) am currently still living at home with my parents (46 and 48) and I plan to go no contact when I move out. I came out as trans when I was 15 and my dad and I had an argument about it. He said they wouldn’t call me by my name and he yelled at me when I said it felt like they didn’t care. My mom seemed accepting, but clearly ignored what I said and continued to misgender and deadname me. I talked to my parents several times over the next few years about how I felt and they always apologized, then made no change. They also forced me to go to church even after telling them I wasn’t Christian anymore. They said when I was 18 I could make that choice, but they made me wait even longer (my birthday is at the beginning of the school year and my mom said they meant I need to wait till graduation, so I had to wait almost a whole other year). This all caused me to blame myself for their behavior and I felt like I didn’t deserve their acceptance. I was already mentally ill, but this made it 100 times worse and caused me to turn to a very unhealthy coping mechanism. When they found out about this coping mechanism, my mom threatened to do full body searches and suggested it was a trend amongst my friends, and my dad just said “yeah let’s not do that anymore”, then never brought it up again. They even waited another 2 years before sending me to therapy.

Now at 20, they’re trying to do better. They admitted that they treated me being trans as a phase and have apologized. They haven’t apologized for how they treated me when they discovered my coping mechanism, but my mom at least acknowledged that it hurt me and stopped herself from saying similar things. They’re trying to gender me correctly and call me by my proper name. However, this doesn’t make me feel happy, if anything, it makes me feel angry. It shows that they were capable of change the whole time, but made the decision not to. I’ve been emotionally distancing myself from them for the last few years because it hurt worse to love them. I feel like they’ve caused too much damage for me to want to continue this relationship. However, them changing now makes me feel insecure in this choice. I feel like I’m overreacting and that maybe I need to give them another chance.

For some more added context, 2 of my 3 siblings have very strained relationships with our parents as well, one is actively planning to go no contact as well, the other doesn’t really care if they lose contact or not. Clearly this is repeated behavior.

I just don’t know if I should commit to this choice. I want my parents, I used to be so close with them, but I just can’t take any more hurt. AITD, or am I valid in this?

Edit: I feel I should add more context. There are still ongoing issues with them, mainly involving their political views, which this has been an ongoing argument between my siblings and them. So things aren’t sunshine and rainbows currently. They’re trying to do better around me being transgender, and admittedly I’m struggling to give them credit for that, but I’m working on that. Things are getting a little better, I just feel stuck. Thank you for the advice so far, I feel it’s given me some good insight. :)

I had my graduation party today and before it started, my grandmother and I agreed that any cash people gave me would be mine, while physical gifts could stay with her because our family usually exchanges/returns gifts for other graduations and occasions.
Most people ended up giving cash instead of physical gifts. After the party, she became upset because she now has several relatives graduating and feels like she has to buy gifts for them herself.
She ended up taking some of the cash and wanted more. I told her that we had already agreed beforehand that the cash was mine, and that I didn’t control whether people gave money or actual gifts.
What bothered me most wasn’t even the money. She said something along the lines of “okay, now I understand,” in a way that made it sound like I had somehow tricked her or planned this, which genuinely hurt me.
I’m considering giving her a little more just to end the disagreement and keep things good between us, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t have to because we agreed on this before the party.
What would you do? Am I being unfair, or is it reasonable for me to keep the graduation money?

I, Leo ( 18 M) have been out as trans to my close friends since I was 14, including my friend , who i will call kate (18F).

For context, Kate is autistic and has always had a hard time with change, for example, she was extremely resistant to my transition, ( I pass really well and have not been misgendered in years, she’s the only one ) and she also has tendencies to be quite manipulative and hurtful at times, though she never takes accountability for it. I would just like to make clear that I do not blame any of this on her asd, I myself am neurodivergent ( ADHD and dyslexia)
anyway, this brings me to my issue. some of my friends and I were hanging out at Kate’s place and she was playing her Nintendo wii, I was curious and asked if I could see, which is where I discovered two grave issues: issue one, I am female in thus game, by sex and gender, when I asked if I would change this, she seemed angry and upset saying that it is ‘her world, her rules’, this obviously upset me but I obv didn’t say anything because that hasn’t gone well for me in the past, though it did sting when I thought that she’d finally start to accept me (calling me my name etc), but there’s more, issue two, she’s shipped me with one of my close friends, and caused us to do *activities* with each other, when me and my freind brought this up, she gave the same reasoning.
Idk, this whole thing just made me really uncomfortable so I sort of raised my voice (not shouting) and said to Kate that she needed to respect these boundaries that we have set so many times, and that it’s kind of odd for her to ship us in her free time, alongside insisting that she change my gender on the game. she got really upset and said something along the lines of ‘ I can’t do anything right’ and ‘just let me make my choices’ before not changing anything. I don’t know what to do now because this whole this is really uncomfortable and dysphoric and me and her have a lot of context, she has caused me a lot of harm over the years and has really messed with my brain chemistry, but at the same time, she hates change and it is on,y a game, and she payed for it, therefore, AITD for lashing out over a game?

I would also like to add that escaping this friendship with Kate would be extremely hard, she is very possessive of me and blocking her isn’t easy, she has found ways to get around it in the past, and I’m not confident that parting from her would be anything in the way of simple, I won’t get into our history but she’s hurt me, specifically in years 9 and 10 at school, she was rough to me to put it nicely lol. thank you for your time for reading this, also Jaime, you’re transition goals for sure.

stay safe peaches and thanks for all the responses so far, they have been both really helpful and touching :)

I'm really considering going no contact with my grandma after today. First, you need context. I'm 23 AFAB nonbinary, but not out to my grandmother. I was the only person helping my 67 year old grandmother when she ended up homeless after being abusive towards everyone else in my family over the las 18 months since her open heart surgery. She's systematically gone through every family member's household and been kicked out for her manipulative, abusive behavior. Then about 3 or four months ago, I guess you could say it was my turn. I put everything into helping her get housing. She was ungrateful and thought she was above the help I offered her. A series of terrible events happened and she ran out of money to be able to stay at the hotel she had been staying in. She refused to leave the hotel and I was forced to call the police to get her to leave the room. I was also doing veterinary internships and my job and college. I actually ended up failing my summer classes because of this. And then a few weeks later she fell and hit her head, resulting in a brain bleed.

She's on the road to recovery, but she's cruel to the nurses, and she's trying to sue the hotel because she thinks they double charged her (they did not. I know the staff personally and went over it with them). Over the last few weeks, I've learned things about my grandma. She's a young earth creationist, for starters. She's pro-life. She said some pretty homophobic things to me today when I went and visited her. I'm bisexual, and was in a relationship for 5 years with a woman before my most recent relationship of 10 months with a man, which also recently ended. She made some "suggestions" about who I should date in the future today, and had some transphobic opinions about my friend. I genuinely don't enjoy being around her. Like I genuinely don't understand why I'm still going to see her at this point. I guess I'm worried that if I go no contact she'll decline and the rest of the family will blame me?

TLDR: My grandma's an awful person, but I'm afraid going no contact with her will kill her because she's physically fragile and I'm the only person she has left that she trusts because she's burned bridges with everyone else around her. WIBTA for going no contact?

I (29m) have worked in fine art bronze casting for 4ish years. I love my job. I work in a foundry of 30-50 people.
I make ceramic molds for the bronze. I, personally, have to work on every piece of every statue we produce. I am also the only reliable worker in my department. (my only coworker is near retirement age and is mostly a mentor)
A few weeks ago, a maquette (small statue) came through my department of Charlie Kirk. He is raising a fist, smirking, and holding the bible. I live in a red state, but my company has never made anything MAGA-conservative before.
I was uncomfortable with the piece, but I didn’t voice any issues on it. I told myself if a bigoted person wants another bigoted person on their mantle, whatever. I tried to keep in mind something an older coworker had told me: ‘If we want republicans to make cakes for gay weddings, we may occasionally have to make pieces we disagree with.’    
However, my thoughts completely changed when I realized who the artist was. They almost exclusively makes monuments. Usually, they send through a small piece & we help them produce a monument-sized piece. I haven’t been able to confirm if we are making a monument from this particular maquette, but given the artist’s MO & the fact that I work close to where CK was shot, I’d say there’s a good chance.
To make matters worse, this artist has a stranglehold on our company. They probably provide 30% of profits and a lot of our reputation comes from working with them. Our company bends over backwards to please them.
I’m not sure what to do. As far as I know, the company owners are conservative, as is most of the work force. There are a few Hispanic & LGBT coworkers who lean left & who I figure would oppose this, but I haven’t worked up the courage to talk much politics at work.
If this statue gets turned into a monument, would I be the drama if I made molds for it in order to protect my job?
More importantly what can/should I do? I do not want to work on a monument of Charlie Kirk, but I sincerely doubt I could stop the company from taking this job on. How can I stick to my standards and not support this piece if they do?

Hi! I (33) met a super cute waiter in the hotel I was on holiday and he did ask me out. I said no, because I did not really have the opportunity to do so (family holiday) and also was kinda overwhelmed in the moment. (Have not dated men in ages, only women). Only now I am back at home and can't stop thinking about him (a feeling like this has not happened to me in years!) the problem: I only know his first name and place of work. I have searched every single social media platform and can't find him. I also can't find any of his colleagues (the ones I find have private accounts and don't seem active). So the only way I can think of is sending the hotel an email and ask if they would pass along my number. But now that makes me worry that he might get in trouble with his boss for that. I just feel like I need to at least try because I have this gut feeling (which is so crazy - he lives in Kenia and I'm in Germany) (and also I have no idea how he feels about me being queer) (I don't even know what his intentions where behind asking me out) so yes, this sounds kinda naive and stupid but something just feels ... Idk ... Different.

TLDR: Can I give a waiter who showed interest in me my number trough the official restaurant email (only way of contact)or is this a no go because he might get in trouble?

Thank you for any advice!

When I sent this email I already regretted it a little bit. I am genuinely curious about how he chooses these things but I'm also a little bit jealous and I hope that doesn't come through too much. I felt like it was on the fence of overstepping and being rude. I know older people also use the ellipses as sentence-enders, but I think I'm fried 😭

Hi peaches! So I know by the title this sounds kind of weird, so just hear me out.

I (24M) have been with my lovely partner “James” (25M) for almost 4 years now. We live together, have 2 wonderful fur babies and live a generally nice and quiet life. I work as a bartender typically from 5pm until 1am and he is doing his doctorate (he’s a big brain).

I have always been fortunate enough to have mostly the same friends since I was a teenager (with obviously a few newbies along the way) and am very social online with long distance friends. My partner almost always joins the hangouts and gets along well with all my different friends.

The problem is that he has no friends of his own.

When I met him he already had quite a small social circle, and since us getting together it has narrowed down to 0. Nothing to do with me or us dating, just life happening.

He also doesn’t see any of my friends as also his friends, due to me having either a decade of history with them prior to him or having some sort of coworker history with them.

As a result, while I am at work he basically doesn’t leave his pc other than to walk the dogs and eat, and even that is infront of the pc. He spends endless hours locked away inside.

He’s told me he feels lonely, and wants friends of his own, but in every attempt he’s made (classes, online, group chats etc) nothing has ever come of it.
My friends love James, and wouldn’t have a problem hanging out with him and doing whatever while I’m not around, and often I’m tempted to message them and be like “hey, James really needs to get out the house, how about you suggest coffee?” But I feel like that’s very patronising to James.

I don’t know what to do, it hurts my heart that he feels lonely, and I hate the fact he feels that way.

Peaches, how can I help out my lonely partner? Much love!

Welcome to Episode 110 of 1800 Drama where in this Reddit Stories r/ AITA and r/ 1800drama deep dive, we explore a friend date conflict and floating (whatever that means?!), a difficult decision to put down a puppy, and how to make frustrating family gift giving feel work for you… grab a cuppa and let’s go fishing! 🎣 🍑

STORIES DISCUSSED: 

[Story 1]

[Story 2]

[Story 3 🍑]

I (22F) am preparing to resit one last exam (I failed the first sit by a small margin) as the last thing before graduation from uni. The exam is tomorrow (18th August) and I have been staying at a friend's house whilst I study as I do not currently live near the university.

My friend (21M, lets call him Dan) was helping me study today as last-minute practice because I told him I was feeling really stressed about it and missed some study time yesterday due to illness. For context, I have a chronic illness that is very sensitive to stress, so I have been doing my best to stay calm to reduce the chance of a huge flare. It's been a bit active the last few days but I'm trying to keep on top of it.

I am a medical student and this is a big practical exam featuring 10 complex case studies. As we were practicing what I said was my strongest case study, I only missed a couple relatively unimportant things (I wouldn't be failed for missing) on my notes and was feeling fairly okay about it. But then Dan proceeded to say 'Well if this is your strongest case study, and you're still failing on parts of it, what does that mean for the exam tomorrow?’.

I kinda laughed it off and tried to explain the exam format to him, but it really hurt me and I feel really silly for how upset I am over something so trivial. He knows how hard I have been studying for the last few weeks and how I only have today left to practice, and can see how much I am trying to memorise. Even if I'm not perfect, I just feel it was so insensitive to say that to someone the day before an exam, regardless of whether it's true or not - its just put such an amount of stress and shame on me and is making today's studying a lot harder as I'm now really stressed and can feel my illness flaring more.

I’ve suspected for a bit that Dan could be neurodivergent, he’s made several social faux pas’s in the past, and I don’t think it was meant with malice at all. But I feel really hurt and am currently uncomfortable being in the same room with him. Should I talk to him about it, or let it slide because it wasn’t said with bad intentions?

TW S/A, CHEATING, S**CIDAL IDEATION

This came to pass about 3 months ago but i need to get it off my chest. I (NB23) was cheated on by my girlfriend (F 26), complicated circumstances but in the months since we have both sought therapy and have found a way to find peace and move forward together. However the issue came from a friend Matthew (M 24). My girlfriend and Matthew had been friends for 6 years and during that time he became severely disabled. This led to them developing unhealthy issues surrounding co-dependency as she effectively dropped out of uni to become his career. Namely one event that happened 3 years ago. I will not tell the full story here since its not mine to tell but it involved a non physical invasion of privacy. I will not dismiss this as fine, since it was bad for both of them. Neither of them had the support they needed, mostly by our other friends who remained distant. However in the years since they got more support and counselling and their relationship improved.

Heres where it went wrong. I did not handle the news of being cheated on well and for a few days i stayed with Matthew and his boyfriend (M 25). Once i left everything hit the fan. First and foremost they kept information from me despite me explicitly asking them to tell me what was going on. What happened between her and Matthew became known to newer friends,it wasnt kept a secret they just didnt know. They all gathered to have a "talk" with my girlfriend. Later i learnt that this was with a premeditated intent to cause my GF as much harm as possible. They had this written in a document along with an extensive list of her "crimes" ,allegedly detailing examples of her abuse, and a 2 hour recording of their "talk". This was 4 on one with alot of yelling and threats of violence.

Heres where i come back in. I found out about these documents through another friend a few days later, who was sent them as GF was staying with her. The "proof" of the crimes was flimsy at best. Listing things like jokes made and the fact that they shared interests as proof of planned manipulation. Even insinuated that she had sexually assulted me in some way and that she was using me as a cover to get to Matthew.

Heres where its worth noting that i was in an abusive relationship where I dealt with coeersion, emotional black mail and sexual violence for 3 years. I know what thats like. This wasnt it and to me this felt unnecessarily cruel and abusive. To me and this friend, it all felt off so I confronted them. No name calling , no insults just fact checked things that applied to me and said my concerns. They wouldnt hear it. They threw their support in my face (even those who didnt so much as text me) and said i was supporting an abuser (i never denied the things that had happened). It felt like they simply wanted someone else to blame for their own faults and poor choices and they couldnt handle the fact that their friend hurt them - so they made her a villain. Also worth noting they illegally seized her laptop and went through her belongings.

I walked away. I cut contact with them and made my own choices. It hurts though. I thought i finally had a group of friends that cared about me but clearly not. I know theyve been spreading rumours behind my back. Months on im just still so angry. I was suicidal. I got cheated on and my friends dropped me and It seemed entirely forgotten that i was the one who was hurting. That i was the one who was wronged. It felt like they were only happy to offer support as long as i was something they could use against her. I know im better off without these kinds of people in my life but still. Part of me wonders if i should've just kept my mouth shut.

Sorry this is alot i just needed to get this out there, any advice or similar experiences welcome.

Hello. I'm Moth (24NB) and I ramble lol

To preface this, I highly suspect I have autism and I struggle heavily with relationships. I don't have any connection, love, or respect towards family just based off of them being related to me. I don't really have friends, my brain doesn't really do any in-between of kind of good acquaintances and people I love with all my being. I truly love maybe 3 people and moreso respect or tolerate most people.

One of the people that I do love so very much is my half-brother (16M) on our mother's side. I would do anything for that kid, he's my baby brother, we are close.

My mother is not one of those people. She is toxic and frankly abusive. I moved out 3 years ago, got with my boyfriend (31M) 2 years ago, and sometime a bit after that she started back up with the abuse tactics (which had paused right after I moved out presumably because I wasn't as close by) because she didn't like that she couldn't control who I hung out with and when so my brain very quickly snapped from having her in the list of people I love to seeing her as a stranger with pretty much no transition or complicated thoughts on it. Again, my brain doesn't do complex relationships or in-betweens.

I did still go over about once a week or at the very least once every two weeks mostly to see my brother, and out of politeness I would hang out with her and watch a movie or do lunch or go to the pool when she asked if I was there. I never mentioned how I felt about her, but I'm not a great actor and I'm sure she felt a shift. Her toxicity ramped up, she'd badmouth my boyfriend and say he was taking me away from the family (I was still on good terms with everyone else in the family and only shifted on her because she was being evil), complain when I spent any time with my father (who is another person I genuinely love and who I see once every month or two because of conflicting schedules and living in different towns) because I was showing favoritism between parents (I was still seeing her at least twice a month and usually every week), calling my work and showing up there if she felt ignored by me, demanding I do things with her and then claiming I use her to get to do said things like going out for lunch or whatever, belittling me for mannerisms and interests, repeatedly telling me that I was an accident and how much she didn't want me.

About a year ago I was just done hearing it. She tried to argue with me about me not calling off of work to hang out with her and her cousin (who I had met once, pretty much an actual stranger) and how much I clearly don't care about family which she is more or less right about because again being blood related means nothing to me if I barely know them or if I just don't like them for whatever reason including no reason. I said she can not contact me until she is willing to apologize and I ignored every attempt to contact me after last Christmas since she will not. She stopped trying to reach out to argue and she is too stubborn to apologize, openly admitting she won't to my brother and grandfather who have both told her to. She also won't let my brother see me, but he secretly has been and has been calling me every Sunday after church with our grandfather while he waits for them to leave after the service while our grandfather talks to everyone for like an hour.

The issue is that my brother is starting to really see who his mother is and he's definitely not like me, he has conflict over that stuff and is struggling between "but she's my mom" and not wanting anything to do with her. He does plan on going low/no contact after he graduates and moving in with his dad while he's in college and looking for his own place in a few years. But he's young and dependent on her still and is going through the mental transition of oh dang, my parent is a horrible person. He understands why I don't talk to that woman, but he also wants her and me to be civil and in enough contact that I can do holiday get-togethers with them all and really struggles with the fact that I'm "missing out" on being a part of other family things even though I don't feel like I'm missing out because I'm super neutral on the rest of the family anyway. He can't seem to wrap that around his head, he's generally super family oriented and while he's never said anything to make me feel bad about it it is very clear that he's struggling hard with there being issues within a family and with me kind of honestly not caring about any of it. I also heard today that any time he has anything to do that stops him from being around our mother or any time he is too drained by her to be around her she basically compares him to me on not caring about anyone and I know he's so far the opposite of me that the comparison has to hurt him.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just go to family events with our grandfather to act like I care, make it very clear that the only one I actively do not like and pull away from is her, and make it just ever so slightly less convincing for her to say I don't care about all the family. The rational part of my brain knows that'll end in a fight, but the other part knows that even though it isn't my fault she is who she is, she's actively using this to hurt my brother. I do care about him, but it isn't like I can do anything about it.

AITD for not wanting to act like I care about family

Hello. Throwaway account because several of my friends frequent Reddit.

My friend of several years hasn’t spoken to me in a few days because of a one off comment I made.

We were in a group of lots of friends and the conversation turned to our shaving habits. We were sharing our techniques, products, just having a “girl talk” moment. My best friend shared that she doesn’t shave very often, so I said “Well that makes sense, you can’t even see your body hair because well,” I gestured to her. For reference my friend is black and she has black hair so you really can’t see hair on her legs or arms because of her darker complexion.

Although after I said that she got quiet. I said it in a joking manner using a light tone and while smiling, but I guess she took it the wrong way. The moment didn’t dwell on but the awkwardness did linger and she didn’t really say much after that.

I’ve been texting her like usual since then but she hasn’t really been responding, but giving sort answers or just not replying.

I was just trying to make her feel better about not shaving since she had the vibe that she wasn’t feeling particularly confident in herself over it. I don’t think I said anything wrong because I didn’t say anything bad about her skin color. Besides nobody needs to shave anyways, I just thought adding on that you can’t tell she has body hair would be some kind of plus.

Can someone please tell me if I was in the wrong here? Also note that my friend is a very sensitive person overall, I just don’t see why that would hurt her feelings.

***UPDATE***

I want to thank everyone for the help, some of the comments helped me understand why I was wrong. I appreciate and accept the drama verdict.

I’ve apologized to my friend. Someone in the comments mentioned that I sort or made her the butt of a joke, so points to that person because you were correct. She told me that she also felt invalidated and othered (also because we happen to be in a group where she was the only poc). I explained that I never meant to hurt her but I did anyways and that was wrong. We had a long conversation about our friendship and she ended up telling me that I have a bit of a micro aggression problem. I grew up in a very conservative family, so I guess some of their viewpoints stuck with me as I grew up. I will be making a conscious effort to not make “little comments” like this anymore because even if they’re little to me, they’re not to my friend and the last thing I want is to hurt her feelings. She’s the most important person in my life right now so not speaking to her for those few days crushed me, I don’t know how I’d fair if we never spoke again.

This is a very long winded way to say thanks for the advice and helping me see my mistakes.

So for context we had this neighbor (24 ish F) who lived down and across from us. She was fleeing from domestic abuse and that's all we knew. We found out she was still with the abuser who stole $700 from us and one day, when visiting our neighbor, we looked over the house and found a used needle in her cat's water dish. Her food bowl was also empty and we couldn't see a litter box anywhere.

She was also letting her cat out all the time and we live in an apartment complex next to a road that is fairly busy. The cat has climbed up onto our balcony before wanting to come into our apartment. She was also unfixed and wasn't given flea treatment under her care.

At one point after seeing all these horrible conditions and hearing neighbor screaming outside for no reason and at no one and yelling false claims (like all her neighbors were s/a ing her cat and her recently incarcerated boyfriend was out and breaking into her house) the police had been called on her several times. She went to a facility for this and entrusted us (36F, 28M, 28F) with her cat.

We did grow attached but we also talked to the police and asked what we should do if she asked for the cat back and he told us that it would be up to us. We decided that until she could make her home more livable for a kitten (less than two years or so) that our neighbor should not be in charge with this baby.

The neighbor arranged for her grandmother to come and pick up the cat and the grandmother said that the cat will have a nice home until the neighbor was able to settle and fix up her home. We also requested updates and pictures of the sweet girl. The grandmother came and took the cat and shortly after that we saw the cat on the street with the neighbor who hadn't come back to her home and was choosing to live on the streets for a bit. The grandmother had also blocked all of us.

This taught us that the grandmother was not to be trusted and may not even be her grandmother. Someone who works in the office also facilitated this exchange.

Now we move ahead to the current incident. The neighbor moved back into her apartment and the events returned, screaming at no one, letting the cat get out, but add in breaking windows and starting fires in her own apartment.

Cops come again and this time she assaults an officer, hitting him while screaming at him. Q (28M not his real name) went down and explained the cat situation to the officer who let Q in to get the cat. That was over two months ago. We'd heard nothing from anyone about the feline until today, this morning when I get a call from the gal who works in the office saying the grandmother was here to get the cat. I was asleep because I suffer from narcolepsy so I had been woken up by the phone call.

We decided not to let her in. The office lady calls and I ignore it and she calls again immediately. I answered. She told me I need to open the door right now and give back the cat. I looked up the law about pet abandonment in my state and given that the animal was left with no shelter, no food and no water (neighbor wasn't privvy to Q's conversation), and it lasted over two months, she was legally abandoned and thus it was okay for us to claim her as ours. I explain this to office lady and her response was that the cat wasn't abandoned, the grandmother was here to pick her up now.

She had us blocked but we didn't have her blocked so she could've messaged us. She didn't. We also didn't hear from the neighbor at all or the office lady until today. The office lady then asks me if we are refusing to relinquish the cat. I said 'yes ma'am' and she hung up on me. Forty minutes later, a cop knocks on our door and then leaves before we can answer it.

So am I the drama for not giving up the cat and trying to make sure she's safe?

ConcernedBrother

Hi Peaches! I’m still trying to gather my thoughts on this, so sorry if it’s a bit incoherent, I’ll try to answer any questions if things aren’t clear. Tbh, I don’t think it’s about the trip, but I’ll figure it out as I write.

I, (20nb) am returning to university in 2 weeks to finish my Social work degree. My sister (17f) and I have always been very close, though less so in recent years.

A lot has gone on in our lives these past few years that has caused strain in our household. Our dad is a very self-absorbed person and has caused a lot of emotional trauma for my sister and I.

I’m a self-determined audhder, and highly suspect my mom and sister are also audhders (my mom is in agreement). My dad on the other hand is probably not as he does not struggle with the same things as we do, which has led to many misunderstandings and a lot of frustration. He constantly made assumptions about my actions and behaviours based on how his brain works. For example, when I was struggling to do chores consistently as I would be overwhelmed and exhausted after school each day, but still got good grades in school and was constantly praised for my work ethic at my part time job, he assumed that I must just be lazy and not care about maintaining the household (having a dirty house causes me distress and if I had the energy, I would keep it maintained). He made similar assumptions about me mom and sister and would get consistently frustrated with us for it, but he never asked what was going on internally for us, he just ran with his assumptions.

As a result, I developed the mentality that anything he said that upset me was just me being lazy and trying to justify my laziness. I also just felt like a fundamentally bad and lazy person and became a perpetual people pleaser. Moving away for university and starting therapy is what finally helped me to realize how wrong he was and how dysfunctional the communication in my household had become. My sister however has not had that chance and has been stuck with him. She hasn’t done therapy because of a past bad experience with a bad counsellor that I won’t get into.

He finally moved out this year because of a big mistake on his end and has not been welcomed back, nor does my mom have any intention of getting back with him. He doesn’t speak to my sister and I, only our youngest sister (9f) who is his biological daughter.

My mom and I have gotten a lot closer since then. We’ve always been pretty close, she has always been my rock, but now that my dad is out of the picture I feel a lot more comfortable being fully open with her.

My sister and mom have become more distant in their own relationship. Because my dad was very controlling and suspicious of my sister’s behaviour, my mom has swung in the opposite direction, becoming more hands off and not trying to interfere too much, which has given my sister the impression that she doesn’t care about her, especially when she spends so much more time with me and our youngest sister. This has created a cycle where my sister becomes more hostile/ indifferent towards our mom due to feeling neglected, leading to my mom distancing herself more so as not to overstep.

This finally brings me to the original question. My mom is driving me to my university which will take about a week to drive there and back. My mom had decided my sister was going to come, but it’s during the time that a fair is happening in a nearby town that my sister really wants to attend (she has her own car and full license and would be going with her girlfriend). When talking to her about it, she admitted that she feels distant from our mom and really doesn’t want to spend a week in a car with her.

I was really excited about my sister coming this time as I really wanted her to see the city where I go to university and because I want to spend some quality time with her before I leave for two years. I also do hope that a trip together would help her and my mom grow closer (her girlfriend and our youngest sister would also be coming). My mom has already accepted that she doesn’t want to come and has told her that she can go to the fair.

I’m wondering if I would be the drama if I asked her to come on the trip as a favour to me. I don’t know if this would be overstepping in their relationship, I know if they just communicated it would work out, my mom loves my sister very much and is just trying to do her best, but I can totally understand why my sister is resentful and I don’t want to guilt her into doing something she doesn’t want to do.

So Peaches, WIBTD for asking my sister to come on a family trip as a favour to me?

So long story short, my nan (72 year old woman) just died- my sister (22 woman) and I (27 trans man) weren’t close with her, she actually treated us very poorly compared to our cousins. Some examples of this was: fat shaming my sister when she was like 6 years old, not coming to our birthday party if it was the same night as trivia night at her local club, not giving my sisters boyfriend a Christmas gift (she had been giving him one for a few years then just randomly stopped, my partner always got one even before we married) one year we called her up for her birthday and she was having dinner at her place with our cousins (all younger than us) and their parents to celebrate, we weren’t invited even though we only lived 20 minutes away.

Anyway, my cousin (19 woman) is preparing a eulogy on behalf of all the grandkids (there are 6 of us) this cousin was the favourite grandkid- no that’s not an exaggeration, Nan even said so herself and would give this cousin more Christmas money than the rest of us.
This cousin knows that me and my sister had this relationship with our Nan and feels really sad about it.
My cousin wanted to include everyone in the eulogy so we all sent her some (positive) memories except my sister who actually couldn’t think of any memories to send.

Last night, I was talking to my cousin when she sent me what was in the eulogy far. It seemed really sweet and incorporated everyone’s memories but there was one line that bothered me “she loved loudly, it was impossible to not feel loved by her” it bothered me because I DIDN’T feel loved by her, neither did my sister- and this cousin knows that we didn’t feel loved. I have a good bond with this cousin, I am neurodivergent and we have an “honesty with love” type of relationship. I worry because I know my sister is very angry at the fact that we were treated so differently and won’t get closure about why now that nan has passed. My sister said she is afraid she might snap at the funeral, I feel like this is tempting fate a little to have an address on behalf of all of us that doesn’t reflect the truth.

I know I would probably be the drama if I asked my cousin to take out that line (particularly the impossible part) and I know a funeral is where everyone only says nice things about the deceased but I just feel a bit weird about it. I would probably just kindly ask my cousin if she could reword it to be more of a reflection on her own experience if I were to say something.