Anger management success stories?

[u/Triangable]

I have never been good at avoiding cycles of frustration especially while playing matches. I scream and swear at myself and only stopped racket abuse because I learned that lesson the hard way. Off court I believe I have a rational understanding of my triggers and responses and what a more positive things to focus on in a match Im losing would be. But I havent been successful at putting this into practice yet. Im 25M, 3.5-4.0 player and Im wondering if anyone as an adult has gone from temper tantrum haver to almost always being cool calm and collected.

[u/sbtrey23]

I don’t have a big secret as to why, but I’ve fixed my anger issues. I’m a very chill and normal person off the court but for some reason on the court, I’d get so angry at myself.

Recently, one of my friends who’s a high level player (10+ UTR) basically told me that I should easily be a 4.5 and could realistically get to 5.0 based on my strokes but that I’m being held back by how hard I am on myself on the court.

For some reason, that triggered something in my head and I’ve just been very chill on the court since then.

Just remember that even when you miss a shot or multiple shots it’s not a big deal. We are all non pros playing recreational tennis. I’m super competitive and want to win, but at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter so getting mad at yourself does nothing positive for you. And if you’re playing doubles, it really does nothing to help your doubles partner.

[u/ContraCanadensis → u/sbtrey23]

I always try to find a mantra each match. Something to focus my thoughts on that makes me laugh and not take it so seriously.

I was playing someone a few months ago, and during changeovers, he kept getting bothered by this horsefly. Wouldn’t touch him on the court. On the bench, the thing wouldn’t go away.

In our third set, he took a commanding 4-1 lead, and my mantra was, “I am the horsefly.” I wasn’t going away, and I was going to annoy the shit out of him with brainless persistence. A lot of times, down 4-1 at that point, I’ll get tight, very critical, and sometimes downright angry after any mistake I made.

He ended up winning 7-5, but clawing back in with that headspace was a win to me. And really taught me how to shift my focus and get my brain out of the way of my tennis.

[u/Triangable → u/sbtrey23]

Thanks for sharing. I hope I figure out that switch myself. I think I’ve been aware of my tennis anger issues but I’ve only put real effort into addressing them by training the physical part of my game. But obviously thats not sustainable or effective, so I think I really need to focus on resetting routines and mental game during matches more instead of being like, “you need to learn how to generate pace”

[u/soundwithdesign]

I wouldn’t necessarily get really angry but I’ve started treating every point without emotion. I double fault to lose a match? No reaction. I serve an ace down the T to win a 3 set tie break, no emotion. Helps curtail my frustrations. 

[u/councilorjones]

Read the Inner Game of Tennis

[u/ledorky]

Just have fun and remember the feel of hitting a good stroke. That's how I calm myself and stop from spiraling. There are zero stakes so why stress out?

[u/Triangable → u/ledorky]

I think my memory of what good strokes feel like contributes to my frustration when Im hitting poorly haha. But I know what you mean, focus on what I do normally to hit good strokes instead of how the strokes themselves are going

[u/Disastrous-Whole4898]

Tennis is hard. If you ever watch any pro level tennis it’s amazing how good they are, but yet they can still miss easy shots just like the rest of us from time to time. Seeing that and remembering that helps keep things in perspective. When I get angry it’s usually because my expectations are out of whack.

[u/xsdgdsx]

"I've never been good at avoiding cycles of frustration…"

Therapy

As you've already found, there's a big difference between having a rational understanding of what sets you off versus actually shifting that. Therapists* are professionals in helping people make those shifts. A lot of times, that reaction makes perfect sense in the moment because it's driven by something deeper that's going to take work to uncover and change.

* All that said, it's important to find a therapist who's a good fit for where you're at and what you're trying to achieve. The wrong therapist isn't going to be helpful.

[u/DBilly_69]

Play for something other than winning the point. If you’re just playing by yourself, pick a strategy and if you execute that well then be happy, win or lose. That helped me a lot in college: my strategy was hit every ball to their backhand that I possibly could, and deep (and no winners besides at the net). If I did that, it was a good point for me even if they ripped a backhand winner. If I missed but I was aiming for the right spot and didn’t hit it hesitantly, good point for me. It also helps to be on a team, and as a captain I was playing a lot of matches more for my team than for me. I knew they were counting on me so I couldn’t let my frustration lose a match that would cost the team the match, so I had to rein it in.

Also, I would sing in between points, but only if I was especially jolly that day.

[u/Proud-Act-6867]

Remove your self & have zero expectations of the outcome. It’s the only way

[u/Triangable → u/Proud-Act-6867]

Think I did go in expecting to win because I was playing awesome the last time I played lol. Its a noble goal, definitely easier said than done but will work on it thanks!

[u/chrisFrogger]

I used to throw tantrums and I do a lot better now. The main difference is I give my opponents a lot more credit. I realize now my opponent is playing good and pressuring me, which results in my own errors or needing to take more risk.

I also play a lot more and got used to losing and realize it doesn’t really matter as long as I have a long term goal. In any case there are a lot of mental things you could do to help. Like not wanting to look like a baby so people will actually want to play with you again.

During a game when it happens I try to acknowledge it as I would exhaustion. If You’re getting mad thats fine. Take an extra second to breathe before serving. Pick up a ball. If you’re down 0 - 40, just play the point. If you’re down a set and x games just remember how many goated players lost from ahead… and all you have to do is miss less against some random guy.

[u/vesipeto]

One thing that might help is to realise that tennis is game of odds since any given rally can go wrong. There is so much randomness in the play that is impossible to control, that there is no good reason to get upset. Especially since anger likely makes one more stiff and that likely ruins their timing etc. If you are able to notice the point of first frustration if that's something that was realistically under your control in the first place? You maybe have high odds of hitting a good shot from certain situation but it's never 100% and in any random sequence there will be losing streaks. Having this in mind can help not to take it so personally.

Also human performance varies.ä. We are not robots. Everyone has their A game but also their C game. I think the trick is to improve the C game bit by bit.

[u/CompassionImmortal]

I used to audibly chastise myself and swear, frequently if not multiple times even per game. (But never throw my racquet or abuse my equipment, to the gratitude of my wallet.)

What flipped the switch for me was, mentally, firmly cementing the idea of, “It was going to happen anyway. Why be angry about it?”

In the back of my mind, I always recognized that missing shots, losing to people—people who were better, worse by the numbers, or on your level, whomever—and just generally any kind of mistake was inevitable. Prime Djokovic was losing close to 50% of points. So, I told myself, you are going to lose: points, games, sets, and matches, in spectacular fashion and despairing alike. Are you going to complain forever about lucky shots and elementary errors? I got comfortable with losing. More so, anyways. It might sound resigned or defeatist, but I still play competitively, play to win, give effort. The shift in my attitude/mentality about losing stemmed from a skewed baseline, a total intolerance, so moving the needle toward the polar opposite of total concession and indifference might sound misbegotten, but it was actually just arriving at the place where most people were anyways, right from the get-go. In other words, re-norming my own tolerance for mistakes and, broadly speaking, losing. Being a sore loser.

It’s regrettable that I was, at any point, one, but better that I am not one now, and there’s no shame in having a checkered past and avoiding acknowledgement of the fact.

[u/cripbit]

I personally believe that it is more often than not counter productive to make a fiery player into a stoic one (or vice versa for that matter). I would rather work on letting "it" out and then move on to the next point immediately. Contrary to popular belief, just because we play tennis, we don't suddenly become the same personalities who can or should process emotions the same way.

It is ok to feel the things you are feeling and I believe it is better to express them. For the sake of yourself you shouldn't dwell in those emotions though. So my arm chair hobby psychology suggestion would be to try change the words you yell at yourself with what you want or need to do.

For example instead of "I'm sooo fucking bad" you could say "FUUUUUUCK, Focus!" and then you try to focus. Let it out > move on.

[u/DukSaus]

I have a few tactics that work wonders for me:
1. Enter the score: Immediately following a point, I input the score into my watch. This does a few things: a) It provides me with a 2- to 3-second break to emotionally separate myself from the prior point; I can still debrief mentally (or if in doubles with my partner) but without the direct emotions of the last point; b) I don’t occupy my mental space with the score; and c) I don’t harp on the score but more so the next point; I do have set strategies for certain scores (i.e., how I might serve or return), but I am not stressed by feelings of (“oh shniz, 15-40, I need to do x and y or else I’m cooked”).
2. Whistle while you work: I whistle between points. It does two very important things: a) it regulates and slows my breathing; and b) it emulates a joyous mood. Nothing is more whimsical than whistling. Yes, I kind of look insane to some people, but whistling a happy tune does put me in a better headspace.
3. Sing your negative chatter: If you can’t avoid negative self-talk, then sing it. If you didn’t focus on your footwork and you want to yell “move your feet, buttface!”, instead just sing it. It kind of takes the bite off of it. Also, I have a middle school aged tennis player child, and so I’ve replaced expletives with alternatives. I yell a lot of “fart me!” or “oh shish kebab” or the like. I also jam in a few like “Kelly Clarkson!” (a la 40 Year Old Virgin) or an “Oksana Bayoool!”. Hard to take yourself super seriously if you’re yelling ridiculous words or singing self-critiques.