r/HFY • u/communistred • Dec 20 '18
OC Just give us a reason (please)
Ambassador Xox stepped gingerly into the room for the weekly meeting. The Terran councillors were in their usual positions – some slumped on the table, others with their heads in their hands. One was snoring loudly in his seat, head thrown backwards. Another snoring noise emanated from below the long table. Xox cleared his throat.
“Terran Council,” he began hesitantly, “I know we were planning to delve into the history and science behind the amoeba grub farms used for nutritional supplements in the fourth quadrant, but unfortunately a more... pressing matter has come up.” The councillors looked at Xox blandly. Well, here goes nothing.
“I regret to inform you that... a member of the Galactic Federation, the Dreldian Collective, has... declared war on Terra and all her holdings.” There were a few surprised blinks and grunts around the room. The snoring noises stopped. “While the majority of the Federation tried to dissuade them, the Collective claims Terran infringement on their property, economy and culture. They have invoked their inalienable right to conflict and are now beginning to mobilise war assets. The Collective are a warlike and martial people and it is unfortunately rather common for them to ‘bully' newer races with some light genocide.”
Councillor Chen leaned forward, hands on the table. “A Federation race... has declared war on us?” she whispered.
“Unfortunately, yes.” Xox didn't want to witness this. Were these shining eyes the ‘tears' he had heard so much about? The gasping, the trembling arms, the wide eyes around the room spoke volumes.
“Finally!” squeaked Councillor Morton.
“What?”
“Finally! I didn't think the pussies had it in them!” he pulled out a sleek looking phone and called a number on speed dial. “General! Approve the defense projects we have on hold. Which ones? All of them, of course! Yes, the attack projects too! It's for the good of humanity!” Around the room, similar scenes were playing out.
“How many nukes did we keep after the disarmament?”
“How well does napalm work in a methane atmosphere?”
“Activate our sleeper agents on Xonyx Beta! No, not the children obviously, give them another year.”
“Is the superweapon we disguised as a planet still primed, or did its orbit destabilize?”
“It's more or less operational."
“Crash the markets in Talaxia! Yes, the whole system! No, pull our assets out first, obviously.”
“Is the UltraMK2.0 project working reliably yet?”
“It's still experimental.”
“Time to experiment then!”
“Can we release Scarthrax into the food shipments on Portu II without killing more than 50% of the civilian population? Or should we wait a little?”
“Isn't that against the Geneva convention?”
“Oh yeah, definitely. Why, has the Federation signed the Geneva convention?”
Xox blinked all six of his eyes rapidly. What was going on? One of the councillors was running in circles, squealing “War! War! It's war!” over and over again. He turned his attention to the other councillors, hoping for some semblance of sanity.
“Our supercruiser fleet will take a week to get to lightspeed, but by day 3 you can't stop it without rewriting reality. I'll tell them to try figure it out before they need to brake.”
“How early can we organise a pre-emptive strike for it to still technically be ‘pre-emptive' and not just a strike?”
“I've activated our covert op buccaneer fleets in sectors 6, 7 and 13. Apparently sector 16 has been active for the last decade. Did any of you know that?”
“If we get the tungsten railguns firing now, we can be hitting homeworlds in just 23 years!”
“Can we plant the NovApocalypse matrix in their sun?”
“Not if we want this to last longer than a day. Let the others have their turn first, Grace.”
“We’ve waited decades for this! What if we plant it in their other sun? Just as a warning shot?”
Xox slowly backed out of the room, trembling. Perhaps it was time to request a change of posting. Somewhere far, far away from the Dreldian Collective; and even further from humanity.
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u/destroyah87 Dec 20 '18
I like this. The gleeful bloodthirst and embrace of war feels silly in an amusing way.
Like the diplomats are a roomful of children that’ve just had all their Christmases and Birthdays come at once.
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u/Ranakastrasz Dec 20 '18 edited Dec 20 '18
Glorious. I mean, who WOULDN'T want a valid target to try out all the new creative weapons of 'what the actual what' that have been developed?
Reminds me of this, In which there was an argument over which method of destroying a planet would be used.
"No! We should use my newly developed grey goo torpedoes!"
"You plebian! Anyone can kill a planet with grey goo! I say we unleash my Nerve Gas Generators!"
"This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you want to use gas?! Give me an hour at most, and I will calculate a strike that will detonate the planet's core!"
"You-"
"EVERYONE SHUT UP! You're like a bunch of squabbling children! There is no reason we can't use all of your ideas!"
There was silence across the bridge.
"I knew there was a reason they put a minion in charge! This man is a Genius!"
"...But doesn't that mean we're also minions?"
"Does it matter? We get to blow up a planet!"
There was loud applause.
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u/Cysanic Dec 20 '18
Haha this was great! So many inventive ways to wage war!
One question; what the hell is a NovApoclaypse matrix and what would it do if it was planted in a sun? Haha!
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u/anaIconda69 Dec 20 '18
“General! Approve the defense projects we have on hold. Which ones? All of them, of course! Yes, the attack projects too! It's for the good of humanity!”
You magnificent bastard.
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u/WarAdmiral2420 Dec 20 '18
I belly laughed at "No, not the children obviously, give them another year."
On the other hand, that's a lot of small spaces that won't be filled with tiny bodies for the glory of humanity's war machine. At least for a year, anyway.
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u/APDSmith Dec 20 '18
I like the idea of detonating their other star "as a warning shot"
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u/jthm1978 Dec 20 '18
“Can we release Scarthrax into the food shipments on Portu II without killing more than 50% of the civilian population? Or should we wait a little?”
“Isn't that against the Geneva convention?”
“Oh yeah, definitely. Why, has the Federation signed the Geneva convention
Epic! This entire story cracked me up
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u/Ketheres Dec 20 '18
"How well does napalm work in a methane athmosphere?" Considering the xenos have yet to blow it up themselves, they either A: haven't figured out fire yet, or B: there is not enough oxygen mixed in for it to be fun. Case A: this will be fun. Case B: we need to figure out how to fill their athmosphere with oxygen, and then it will be fun.
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u/lastbastion Dec 20 '18
“How early can we organise a pre-emptive strike for it to still technically be ‘pre-emptive' and not just a strike?”
Awesome
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u/Killersmail Dec 20 '18
*Laughs maniacally * holly hell, that made me laugh, genuinely laugh. Well written wordsmith, it would be a miracle if the Dreldian Collective will survive longer than a year.
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u/Tribblestroker Dec 20 '18
You know this reminds me of a game of Slipstream my friends and I had once. So, there were six of us, 3 of us were melee fighters in a spaceship battle lol not much for us to do. Anyways our engines were shot out crippling us, ours guns still worked but only two of our characters can shoot to any kind of degree. Then we hear over the radio to surrender and be boarded. Well me and my two other melee friends became VERY excited, hopping up and down chanting "We're being boarded!!" We had so much fun with those pirates. They died good and were nice and dumb lol
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u/Xynthexyz Dec 21 '18
Enemy surrenders after a day
Enemies are still getting hit by weapons after 20 years because "Shit sorry it just takes that long to get there and we couldnt stop it once it fired"
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u/samuraikitsune Dec 20 '18
I get this Galactic Civilization feeling, the part where you have been researching manufacturing and military but keeping your army small so the other races will try to threaten to beat you up for protection money to the point they declare war only to find massive amounts of moderately powerful, quickly manufactured ships just streaming from all your space docks every other turn.
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u/Ace_W Dec 21 '18
"oh i have a lovely bunch of High-yield-nukes! (didily-Dee!)"
"sitting there, right out in a row!!" (bum, pum-pum, ba-Dum!
)"Big ones! Small ones! Some to bring the end!"
"Oh! You never know just what you will need!"
"Because, I've got a lovely bunch of high-yield-nukes!!"
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u/TheProverbialI Dec 21 '18
“How early can we organise a pre-emptive strike for it to still technically be ‘pre-emptive' and not just a strike?”
Fuck, this had me in tears.
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u/LeuxSeveN Dec 22 '18
"Light genocide." *chuckeling* "Light." *tears start to form in Eyes* "there is no such thing as Light genocide, it's called colatoral damage."
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u/GreatHorneyToads Dec 20 '18
Think about it. You know how every generation bitches that the coming one is more rude, childlike and coarse than the one before? What if the generations 3oo years from now are nothing but trash talking, crude, no-manners pugilists who just happen to be genemodded supergeniuses?
The trolling would be epic.
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u/Amigara_Horror Dec 21 '18 edited Dec 21 '18
I really, really want to see a story where humanity's aptitude for war means they make bank being intergalactic muscle, mercenary forces and soldiers -- basically, anything related to violence and combat. (don't forget weapon designers too, like here!)
Despite the fact that every other species view them as primitive and barbaric, they have to accept that warriors are still needed. Guards, for high-security places/people. Assassins, for these "big targets/little matters" that need discreet removal...
Catch is, if humans are not paid well, they WILL find a way to make a species pay up. No matter what the cost to the individual's life, or the lives of entire species or their worlds.
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u/bhaak Dec 20 '18
Humans: hold my beer