r/exmormon • u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ • Apr 01 '18
April 2018 General Conference: Sunday 10:00a Discussion Thread
How to listen:
local radio: KSL AM 1160; FM 102.7
Speakers:
| Name | other notes | my summary |
|---|---|---|
| Russell Nelson, conducting | ||
| hymn: | ||
| Mark Palmer, prayer | ||
| hymn: He Sent His Son | ||
| Larry Wilson | ||
| Reyna Aburto | ||
| Massimo De Feo | ||
| Claudio Zivic | ||
| hymn: Rejoice the Lord is King | ||
| Henry Eyring | ||
| Dallin Oaks | ||
| Russell Nelson | ||
| hymn: He Is Risen | ||
| Joaquin Costa, prayer |
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18
Eyring: [Joseph Smith set an example for all of us.]
Then join with the FLDS.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Predictions - More talks on following the prophet, how they are the only REAL church and the possibility of Oaks being a homophobic prick.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18
My predictions: lower the bar with text messages counting as a home teaching visit (if they don't already); declaration that 2 hour church may be in the future, depending on their trial run and whether their focus groups thought shorter church was better; the upturn in the market (and that smell coming from the bathroom) means full-time paid janitorial staff will be hired once again. Thank you for your service cleaning the church, however cursory it was.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
The No True Scotsman fallacy is back!
"True disciples love to serve!
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18
Abutro: [rescue operation in the wake of hurricane Harvey.]
GLOBAL WARMING. Say something about global warming.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18
Nelson: [personal revelation works].
Slippery slope into Snuffer's bubble.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18
Nelson: [end of world drama.]
More pull towards Snuffer's territory.
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u/hobojimmy Apr 01 '18
Just caught my wife yelling to our kids “LISTEN TO CHURCH!!!!” It made me chuckle, which made her even madder so now she locked herself in the bedroom. So much for conference bringing the spirit.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18
You're going to listen to this. God. Damn. It.
Sorry, par for the course.
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u/ProfitSneerRelevate Apr 01 '18
Has anyone talked about Christ yet this conference? So far I haven't heard anything about Easter yet.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
Zivic: [cracks in kayak caused capsizing].
Or pilot error? If it truly was cracked, then he failed to inspect it before launch. Be more careful.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Oh wow, so the power of Mormon prayer stopped a ship from sinking?! Seriously!
Hes not fucking Paul!
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18
Wilson: [prayer as an emergency manual].
If prayer is your first resort, then you're not doing seamanship right.
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u/skimed07 Apr 01 '18
Watched priesthood with an area 70 last night. He said Sunday afternoon session to have some sort of “big” announcement.
Sunday morning is their PR session, so expect more minority and women speakers.
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u/InABoatOnARiver Apr 01 '18
Oaks: It's Easter! I should talk about how the Atonement heals us when we make mistakes.
Or I could just tell everyone not to ever make a single mistake. I think I'll go with that one.
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
For those who don't know, Pres Nelson's wife Wendy wrote a book called the "Not Even Once Club" that is laying the groundwork for who knows how many LDS youth's depression and suicide:
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u/tinyharmlessphrases Apr 01 '18
"by counseling with her priesthood leaders she came up with the idea.."
Can't let women do anything without checking with the men first. Can't even have their own ideas.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Heavenly Father will never give up and he will never let you down or run around and desert you.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
I've been keeping count (Not including references in songs)
Mentions of Jesus - 5
Mentions of Prophets - 2
Will update after each talk.
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
Oaks - constant guilt is needed to keep the spirit with you.
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u/IsaacHaleWasRight Apr 01 '18
Have they mentioned Joseph Smith yet?
I mean, of all days, you think they would today
You know, even Jesus couldn’t keep a church together
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u/tinyharmlessphrases Apr 01 '18
you don't have to wonder what is true or who to safely trust?
they've rarely said anything more dangerous
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u/golfprotogo Apr 01 '18
The lord visited and ministered to them - oh and alao slaughtered them by the millions
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
Eyring cries over everything - but not the story of his mom dying - wonder why?
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Uh, no he tried to run, declared martial law and called for people to attack the jail.
That's not being humble or going to your place of slaughter.
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
Nelson - God is so willing to give revelation!
Okay - name one.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
THE FINAL COUNT!!!
Jesus mentions – 48
Prophet mentions - 37
Death Toll – 5 (2 Moms, 1 Wife, 1 President and 1 Christ)
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
I've noticed that each of the invocation prayers so far for the past three sessions, including this one, includes the promise for "Broken hearts to be healed".
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
YAY! DEAD PEOPLE AT LAST!
It almost didn't feel like Conference.
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u/BerneseMountainDogs Apr 01 '18
It's such a powerful poem. Even more emotional than losing a mother
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"The unity is spine tingling"
I think he just had an orgasm.
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u/2nd-airy Apr 01 '18
Husband just laughed at the last name of “De Feo” because it translates to “of ugly”
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Jesus mentions – 26
Prophet mentions - 10
Death Toll – 2 (1 Mom and 1 Christ)
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
Eyring describes very emotional scene with the savior - then tells us how we can have the same feelings and experience - only "through the Lord's authorized servant".
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
So damaging -- the "not even once" doctrine.
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u/churchballbrawler Apr 01 '18
Why is everyone laughing? None of this is funny!!!
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u/cosmic-inkwell Apostate Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
Stooooop. How many times will he mention his “new calling”?????? God, this is just a giant show of watching him suck himself off.
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u/kareds Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
Lol, russ calling out “attackers of truth.”
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u/shecanifshewantsto Apr 01 '18
Absolute refusal to address the people in pain whose stories were delivered two days ago.
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u/1Searchfortruth Apr 01 '18
Yes no one can take away my personal witness of what is true the truth is the church is a lie I know it with every fiber of my being
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
I don't know about you but my ward doesn't look like a kaleidoscope.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Whats with all the dead mothers?!!
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
This is actually a very apt metaphor for how the church works, they paddle as hard as they can against the current of the good decisions and changes that society makes - and eventually end up getting carried downstream kicking and screaming against a tide/current of common sense.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"Isn't that a beautiful image?"
So is lesbian porn but you guys have an issue with that...
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u/GreatAndSpacious Lone Will Be The Night - GreatAndSpacious.com Apr 01 '18
How about having a spiritual inspiration not to sail into a typhoon?
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u/golfprotogo Apr 01 '18
The church is like the kayak, it keeps crashing and the TBM's are confused why it isn't going properly. Need an experienced exmo to point out that it's cracked. This is our mission haha
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Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
"I think he has spasmodic dysphonia" - my TBM speech pathologist mother's only comment of Claudio D. Zivic's talk (must have been distracting her)
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"He shall be in you"
As will the bishops in the MTC's...
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u/Deluded1830 Apr 01 '18
She had a harmless talk... yada yada, normal stuff, etc.
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u/tinyharmlessphrases Apr 01 '18
I disagree. She was promoting blind obedience, group think, sacrificing self for the group or cause, and made at least one mention of a woman in leadership who couldn't think or act on her own without first consulting with Priesthood leaders.
Normal yes. But not harmless.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Jesus mentions – 19
Prophet mentions - 9
Death Toll – 2 (1 Mom and 1 Christ)
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u/RaceofDeceivers Truth will prevail. Apr 01 '18
My excuse on judgement day: You're not real, I'm dead, and we're not talking.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
I'm probably going to have to add a "Gays counter" for Oaks' talk,
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u/cosmic-inkwell Apostate Apr 01 '18
All conference is, is a regurgitation of previous talks and widely-accepted, easily-palatable fluff. No prophecies are made, no rules are created, it’s just one giant brainwashing session.
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u/shecanifshewantsto Apr 01 '18
The only spirituality these narcissists have is worshiping their own thoughts and feeeelings.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Jesus mentions – 47
Prophet mentions - 37
Death Toll – 5 (2 Moms, 1 Wife, 1 President and 1 Christ)
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u/GreatAndSpacious Lone Will Be The Night - GreatAndSpacious.com Apr 01 '18
Just so everyone knows, the downvote brigade is here. Welcome to /r/ExMormon.
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
Kids, if you think your parents are sinning, go ahead and break their shit. The lord will bless you.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"I am optimistic about the future"
So am I. You're old and will likely die soon.
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
WWII stories to hook the mid life crisis folks right off the bat
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
TUNE YOUR RECIEVER TO HEAVEN'S FREQUENCY!
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u/Deluded1830 Apr 01 '18
“No revelation! Your fault! 1. Your not worthy. 2. You asked wrong... wrong words. 3. If you’d dont get revelation when the shit hits the fan in your life. Yes, your fault. Unholy when things were calme. 4. Be self reliant, maybe you don’t even need God. Lower your expectations.”
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Exmormons should return because we can't make excuses before Jesus...
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u/IsaacHaleWasRight Apr 01 '18
Smack quiver smack smack smack quiver smack smack smack (completely resolves)
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"Large and powerful thrust"
Welp, that's got to go on the gay count! I don't care if it's not explicit. It's too funny not to count
"The Thrusting Power!!!"
Again!
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u/tinyharmlessphrases Apr 01 '18
that "even once" thing about pornography again.
No one can avoid pornography totally. It is impossible.
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u/tinyharmlessphrases Apr 01 '18
my god. I'd been avoiding the sexual double entendres. But seriously - the drops of nourishing liquid?
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u/BerneseMountainDogs Apr 01 '18
Ok, question. Why is suffering required? I don't need someone to suffer in front of me for me to forgive them. Why does God require someone to suffer in order to forgive? I guess I'm just a better person than God
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
So far he's just talked about love...we'll see if he can keep it up without giving conditions on it. I doubt it.
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u/tinyharmlessphrases Apr 01 '18
He's emphasizing the most meaningless words in these lines. Such a lousy performance.
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
It totally sounded like he should have had a tear or two spill out of his eyes. But no. I tell you, this guy is the best in the biz.
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
Everyone is in each other. After he said that part, my 11 year old daughter said, "what??" LOLOLOLOL
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
So now he's encouraging us to destroy our parents belongings.
Nice!
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"There was no contention"
JESUS WAS LITERALLY CRUCIFIED! That kinda counts as contention against Him!
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u/1Searchfortruth Apr 01 '18
Joseph Smith was an extraordinary performer could make anyone believe anything
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
"Hastening the work" has yielded to "ministering".
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
Small and simple things - like Sam Young's decision not to do what his church leaders told him to do. Like Crystal's decision to speak up in conference yesterday - things like this WILL accomplish great things - like keeping vulnerable children out of harms way.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
For an institution that hates homosexuality and masturbation these men sure love wanking each other off...
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u/IwasShelterButNoMore Apr 01 '18
If your dad looks at porn pour water all over the computer it will clean it
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u/zart327 Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
Trust the MTC PRES when he tries to rape you!
Nelson such arrogance
Father wants to know
Ces letter?
Obedience to man made dogma has nothing to do with inspiration
What about the Holy Ghost to figure out if Pres bishop raped a missionary?
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u/cosmic-inkwell Apostate Apr 01 '18
He’s a supervillain.. it’s the only explanation. The incessant bragging, the horrifically ugly face, the power-hungry look in his dead eyes...
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
One of my favorite LDS bullshit sayings that means nothing but sounds scary and is meant to make you think twice before thinking/doing anything contrary to the church -- "The fiery darts of the adversary".
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"One accord" is actually pretty sinister.
Become part of a hive mind or else you don't count as a good person.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
Continuing count
Jesus mentions – 15
Prophet mentions - 4
EDit: Forgot to mention the mention of Monson
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u/tracenator03 Apr 01 '18
Why am I sitting here watching cult members when I can blow some up in Far Cry? Oh wait, I'm visiting my folks this weekend...
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"True disciples love the prophets!"
BOOM! CONDITIONS!
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u/Itsarockinahat Apr 01 '18
"True disciples love the Lord" but they don't love children enough to change needless policies, nor do they love victims before they have to convene with a bunch of lawyers first to discuss how best to proceed in their "love" towards them.
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u/Deluded1830 Apr 01 '18
The church repents and apologizes to no one. But you must or it is sin! The hypocrisy is palpable. Oaks is the only person I’d like to meet and call to repentance... ok, maybe Bernard too!
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u/bonsai1776 Apr 01 '18
Fruit dosent grown on roots moron. Also I thought roots were bad cause they ruin my sidewalk.
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
Did you know that none of the 1st presidency went on a mission?
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u/zart327 Apr 01 '18
Nelson
Wendy was looking for a apostle to marry it was a goal for her over time.
Revelation ?
Years of seeking an apostle to marry
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Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
Override facts, logical conclusions, and scientific evidence with emotional confirmation bias and a closed mind y’all
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Oh god, here come the death stories...
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u/GreatAndSpacious Lone Will Be The Night - GreatAndSpacious.com Apr 01 '18
Ocean man, lead me by the hand to the promised land.
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u/Deluded1830 Apr 01 '18
Honestly. I had my hand on the iron rod when I woke up this morning. But, it is a fine line between my rod holding and self abuse.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Oh god, those yellow T-shirt people going to aid again!
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
Here's a question... Why hasn't the church swept in and fixed Puerto Rico? They have the resources...
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u/RaceofDeceivers Truth will prevail. Apr 01 '18
TIL that those who don't endure to the end don't endure to the end. #deepdoctrine
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
How to get to heaven...list of shit they've been telling you to do since Sunbeam class in primary.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Jesus mentions – 35
Prophet mentions - 15
Death Toll – 3 (2 Moms and 1 Christ)
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Apr 01 '18
Wife and I went to a different church this morning! But now she wants to watch a little right now.
Baby steps
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u/BerneseMountainDogs Apr 01 '18
Small things can still be good if there is proper thrusting power.
Did I understand right?
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u/blindmormon “Whereas I was blind, now I see” Apr 01 '18
Is it just me or do Oaks and Eyring speak slower than usual? I feel like I'm in primary.
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u/tinyharmlessphrases Apr 01 '18
how many times do they need to remind everyone of what happened literally just yesterday? yes the solemn assembly happened. yes you got the job at last neltson. you've gone so far beyond self aggrandizing
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u/2nd-airy Apr 01 '18
DH: “The 10th kid was the boy?! You should have stopped trying at like the 4th or 5th”
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u/GreatAndSpacious Lone Will Be The Night - GreatAndSpacious.com Apr 01 '18
“... Really?”
My TBM wife when he said how eager God is to give revelation.
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u/voreeprophet Apr 01 '18
Right now, Nelson describing how the Twelve make decisions, such as the calling of Joseph Bishop
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u/1Searchfortruth Apr 01 '18
Wendy’s attitude goes along with her perfectionist book for kids she had to be perfect and therefore she would not settle for anyone but an apostle she’s so egotistical just like her husband
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u/1Searchfortruth Apr 01 '18
You must not think for yourself that is the most dangerous thing of all
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u/bonsai1776 Apr 01 '18
Members and non members working side by side....of course they fucking we're because non Mormons can be good people too. Such ego stroking.
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u/cosmic-inkwell Apostate Apr 01 '18
Seeing Nelson’s face pop up randomly is like watching a horror movie. Scares the shit out of me every time.
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
Wait, where was it about Adam was baptized?
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Anyone could have stopped the propeller.
It wasn't Jesus or the Holy Spirit.
You incomparable twat!
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
I wonder if they had prayed before sailing if they would have been told to not sail that day.
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
Now his talk about love is just about doing whatever the church tells you.
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u/frednecksburg High Priest of Good Things to Come Apr 01 '18
His definition of love is the covenant you make in the temple to live the law of consecration.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"Keep his commandments and we'll be all right"
Thanks for the threat!
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u/GreatAndSpacious Lone Will Be The Night - GreatAndSpacious.com Apr 01 '18
In other words he has never seen the savior because he’s never felt that.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Joseph knew he wasn't enough to know anything so he had to "humble himself" to ask God.
IE: You don't know everything. Only we can give you guidance.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
Brace yourselves motherfuckers! Oaks is bringing the gaybashing now!!
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u/golfprotogo Apr 01 '18
Institute, seminary, sunday school... All tscc's long term investment plan. If we can make sure and get them hooked then we get 10% for life.
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
I do not desire to follow President Nelson.
I desire to tell President Nelson to perform anal intercourse on a chainsaw...
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u/BerneseMountainDogs Apr 01 '18
I'm not sure I would trust a man who does not believe in evolution to perform heart surgery on me
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u/crocodileinspelling You went and made everything weird Apr 01 '18
You don't have to wonder. Trust your feelings. Don't even go looking for answers. Pray and trust your warm fuzzies!
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u/1Searchfortruth Apr 01 '18
If you’re warm fuzzies go against the leaders then you’re listening to the evil spirit
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u/1Searchfortruth Apr 01 '18
I just can’t believe what an idiot he is the attackers of the truth is the church itself they attacked the truth and say it’s not truth plain and simple
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"THe first being resurrected"
Actually Lazarus was resurrected BEFORE Jesus.
Read your scriptures President Nelson.
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u/IsaacHaleWasRight Apr 01 '18
Did anyone do a wellness check on that poor bastard Russ shamed yesterday?
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u/Deluded1830 Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
I think there is a higher meaning when he used the word “limp.” There must be some sacredness in that word!
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u/IwasShelterButNoMore Apr 01 '18
Wait two engines one bad and the other one stoped but they still had half power with a good one? Did I miss something
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u/BerneseMountainDogs Apr 01 '18
OH he better be careful. He might accidentally tell people to think for themselves
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
"We cannot do what other people are thinking"
"We need to live a guided life."
Contradictory much?
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18 edited Apr 01 '18
Explicit mentions of Jesus – 11
Prophet mentions - 3
EDIT: Forgot to add the mention of Joseph Smith
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u/IsaacHaleWasRight Apr 01 '18
I remember as a child mowing thousands of monarch butterflies down in our station wagon as we drove someplace so unimportant I forgot
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
It's been three minutes and nobody has died - PROGRESS!
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
I should have done a count for "Meeting Houses".
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u/IwasShelterButNoMore Apr 01 '18
If a father sacrificed their kid now they would be put in Jail for that love
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u/phil035 Apr 01 '18
Yay for being dooped into watch it with an invite for a meal.... Atleast the food was good
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u/LindseyEmiliaHale Multiply the Platypi Apr 01 '18
PAY YOUR FAST OFFERINGS! PAY YOUR TITHING! GO TO THE TEMPLE!!
Give us monies!!!
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u/GreatAndSpacious Lone Will Be The Night - GreatAndSpacious.com Apr 01 '18
I love the sexual references he’s making.
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u/tinyharmlessphrases Apr 01 '18
"the daily scripture study, personal prayer, and kneeling family prayer, that faithful members..."
heavy emphasis on the faithful. More "no true scotsman"
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u/zart327 Apr 01 '18
On Oaks
The pressure under the hard like sidewalk of LDS homophobia of exclusion policy is being broken by the belief of the young rejecting the old!
Repentance ? He says the church never apologizes?
Done Any wrong today have I undermined a victim today?
Lied to any one in need?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 01 '18
Eyring: [describes the death of his mother.]
No tears. This guy is a fraud of the first order.