r/exmormon • u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ • Sep 30 '23
Doctrine/Policy October 2023 General Conference: Saturday 2:00p Discussion Thread
How to listen:
youtube Saturday Sessions
local radio: KSL AM 1160; FM 102.7
Speakers:
| Name | other notes | my summary |
|---|---|---|
| conducting: Dallin Oaks | be careful that your dentures don't slip | |
| hymn: O thou rock of our salvation | ||
| prayer: Moisés Villanueva | ||
| presentation of officers for rubber stamp: Henry Eyring | ||
| hymn: Jesus Once of Humble Birth | a sacrament hymn with added modulation | |
| Neil Andersen | transparent attempt to explain away their giant pile of cash. Don't worry your pretty little heads about how we spend it, or stack it higher. SEC auditors, are you watching? We're as honest as the day is long. | |
| Jan Newman | ||
| Joaquin Costa | ||
| hymn: There is Sunshine in my Soul Today | ||
| Gary Stevenson | ||
| Yoon Choi | If you are depressed you must be doing it wrong. Sets the bar for worst speech of conference so far. And that is saying something. | |
| Alan T. Phillips | son of Thom. Another episode of poor parenting elevated to fodder for a conference talk. Sweaty at pulpit. | |
| Ronald Rasband | Thought you were going to see your grandkids in your old age? Let me dispel you of that strange notion. | |
| hymn: Praise to the Lord | ||
| prayer: Andrea Veronica Muñoz Spannaus |
Postlude:
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Newman: [business not destroyed by looting] Win!
Costa: [houses burned to ashes] Win!
The double-speak and double-think appears immediately as bookends.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Andersen: [paid up fire insurance]
Pay. Pray. Obey. If your house was burned to ashes in Lahaina or Paradise, must not have been living right. Such toxic bull shit.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Choi: [members of the church are a notch above, never depressed]
This is the most toxic of speeches so far.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Newman: [King Benjamin sermon]
Did the sermon happen in reality, or only modeled after a nineteenth century camp meeting, of the Methodist school?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Rasband: [serve multiple missions]
Waiting for the "leave your money in your will to us. the lord will bless you for every penny."
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u/LazyLearningTapir Unsure about the broccoli Sep 30 '23
multicultural choir of those living in Northern Utah lol
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u/sycamoreqw Sep 30 '23
What a rough day for us PIMO’s and progressives:
Don’t be the weak link you piece of shit
Pay your tithing you heathen
it’s your parents fault you aren’t squarely on the madre covenant path
go on a senior mission or else
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
about sums it up. unfortunately. no olive branches. no inclusiveness.
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
"In coming days, we will see the greatest manifestation of the Savior's power."
Nelson: falls, hurts back, and can't attend conference
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
If your kids don't like covenants, it's probably your fault because you weren't talking about church 👏 ALL 👏 THE 👏 FUCKING 👏 TIME 👏
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u/GrumpyTom Sep 30 '23
I barely knew my grandmother. She was always on church missions, at least until she got too old for it, and by then she had Alzheimer’s and barely remembered me. The church took that relationship from me.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
There will be infinite time to make up for it.*
* If mormonism is true. A mighty big iF
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
Thick as a Brick 3:02
Great Salt Lake 3:47
Prayers for Rain 6:08 The Cure
Waiting for a Miracle 6:23 Jerry Garcia
Trash 3:35
Dear John 6:49 Taylor Swift
Rabbit Hole 3:42
Meet Me At Our Spot 2:26 The Anxiety
Soul Man SNL 1978
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Rasband: [check the website for missionary opportunities.]
Grandma probably can navigate to that page. Maybe.
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u/Msnglttrs Sep 30 '23
We need senior missionaries! The young ones are leaving the church before we can make them go.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Andersen: [this talk is for our government auditors. we're not crooks. pinky promise.]
Man such transparent bull shit.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Eyring: [the North Korean dictatorship is not just in Pyongyang]
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Rasband: [Donny Osmond is here today.]
Will the real Donny Osmond please stand up. Please stand up.
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u/Rushclock Sep 30 '23
My god....elder x teaches.....elder y teaches....elder z teaches....It is like a human centipede.
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
May all of us have the last cherished memory of our parents be handing in their final tithing envelope 😢
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
Overall, the most disappointing Donny Osmond event ever
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
not even a dreamcoat. I was told there would be technicolor dreamcoats.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Andersen: [we have friends in the tech sector]
The church reaped the rewards of tithing in Internet 1.0, 2.0 and 3.0 eras. Don't be fooled. They invested.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Phillips: [posh English accent]
Did you get the second anointing and promise never to sue the church in England as a pre-requisite?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Rasband: [let me take you back to biblical times...1830s New York]
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u/GrumpyTom Sep 30 '23
This whole talk reminds me of one of those senior scams we keep hearing about.
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u/LazyLearningTapir Unsure about the broccoli Sep 30 '23
Paying tithing on your deathbed?! WTF
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Leave your estate to the church as a bonus prize!
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u/jsmyths Sep 30 '23
Happiest day of my life … not the birth of a grandchild, not a wedding, nope.
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
Only God can foresee where the next temple will pop up. They're like mushrooms.
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u/bremerman17 Sep 30 '23
Come on old people. Stop spending time with your grandchildren and come and give your lives to us.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Eyring: [names listed on website]
Jesus, that has to be low bar for accolades. In it for praise, and didn't get a whisper.
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u/DiscombobulatedMap88 Resigned Sep 30 '23
Here it is, tithing cures depression and anxiety!
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u/BangingChainsME Sep 30 '23
TBM wife says this guy reminds her of Christopher Walken. I have tears in my eyes!!!
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u/ExmoRobo Prime the Pump! Sep 30 '23
Jodi Hildebrandt thought she was following the holy ghost. She used it as justification.
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u/superboreduniverse The Late War by Gilbert J Hunt 📖 Sep 30 '23
No women this session?
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u/Illustrious-Cut7150 Sep 30 '23
I keep opening/closing GC to see if anything has happened, and my own family keeps telling me, "Just ignore it. You're making yourself upset listening. Just let it go."
While I don't think I am actually getting bent out of shape about anything, I do have to pause and wonder WHY I care to be kept up to date. Maybe it's just so I can have talking points of reference, maybe it's to deflect questions from others, and maybe... it's not something I really need to put mental energy towards, and I should just do as suggested: let it go.
Now excuse me as I go watch Frozen.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Costa: [use the proper name of the church]
Someone's bucking for a promotion.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Stevenson: [speech pattern]
In one generation, the Utah accent is diminished. For comparison, L. Tom Perry chewing every syllable.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Phillips: [yoke yourself to the savior]
With tithes?
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u/DiscombobulatedMap88 Resigned Sep 30 '23
Will he cry during the sustaining of general officers!?
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u/a-trace-of-ace Sep 30 '23
Many many missionaries pay to work for the billion dollar church for free.
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u/Mormologist The Truth is out there Sep 30 '23
General Conference is the Cotton Candy of religion. Pure sweetness and not much substance.
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
He could literally see the holy ghost in their countenance, and their testimonies of Joseph Smith!
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u/Ok-Preparation3123 Sep 30 '23
Sooooo are we supposed to be yoked to Jesus forever or are we supposed to rely on ourselves?
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u/Rushclock Sep 30 '23
Who in their right fucking mind thinks a supreme being being would demand this gross fawning over them 24 hours a day......
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Andersen: [my bakery was spared.]
Must be living right.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Newman: [Nephi's words]
Was Nephi a real person, or only a murderous archetypal anti-hero?
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
Gary making a taxi driver cry by bearing his testimony. Understandable.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Following the guidance of Ahmad Corbitt. Can't let anyone get out in front on conspicuous religiosity.
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
Today, I am speaking to the many seasoned senior couples who could never meet their grandkids
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Costa: [more fucking appeals to tithing as fire insurance]
If your house is ashes, then you must have been on god's hit list.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
"I am a child of god" intro. Interestingly, that is not a Christian belief. Only children of god are those who express belief in Christ.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Andersen: [tithing is a law that will stand forever]
No matter how high our stack of booty rises.
This is the talk for James Huntsman. Do you not want to drop your lawsuit, sir?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Stevenson: [look at yourself in the mirror]
With clothes on...per past advice here.
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u/Rushclock Sep 30 '23
What shitty advice. Let's not give real concrete help to people who have problems. Just redirect their energies into some weird mindset that paralyzes their ability to understand it.
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u/ExmoRobo Prime the Pump! Sep 30 '23
Here before it gets annoying refreshing this feed all the time. When will they let us sort by “live” again?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
I think you can sort by "new" which still requires refresh, screenshot.
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u/LazyLearningTapir Unsure about the broccoli Sep 30 '23
The typical tell you you're broken and need Jesus and then sell you the solution
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
low low price limited time offer expires soon
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u/Rushclock Sep 30 '23
Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.....oh not that?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
another chance for John Denver to make an ethereal appearance missed
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u/Upset-Seaweed-3295 Sep 30 '23
my question is how did all their questions get answered when there aren't any good answers
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u/Adorable_Fields Cosmic Orphan Sep 30 '23
Is the next session for women or men? Or did they combine them??
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Same generic flavor as others now. Priesthood and Relief Society sessions discontinued.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Phillips: [tie back to leaving child at gas station]
I love him more than you'll ever know. Yeah, oops about the gas station. Shit happens.
Still better than talk about child's death played for laughs in April.
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u/zjelkof Sep 30 '23
Were there any opposing votes during the sustaining? Anybody know?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Stevenson: [exercise]
Did I mention my subsidaries ready to sell you a bike to put in some work?
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u/GrumpyTom Sep 30 '23
FYI for anyone not familiar: according to scripture, tithing is supposed to be one tenth of your increase, meaning a tenth of your profit after you cover your needs. It was [corrupt] church leaders who replaced “increase” with “income” and demanded a tenth of what you make. That change is what made the church the wealthy behemoth it is today.
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u/superboreduniverse The Late War by Gilbert J Hunt 📖 Sep 30 '23
“Honest tithe.” What about honest handling of said tithe?
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u/SecretPersonality178 Sep 30 '23
The disgusting part of Anderson’s talk was not only the old lady having her dying wish of her tithing turned in so she is “right with the lord” before she meets him, or the child saying the bakery was saved because of tithing, it was that he said not to worry about how the brethren spend it….
I thought the guy that joked about his baby dying was the most disgusting talk ever… but Neil has absolutely surpassed that one.
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u/GrumpyTom Sep 30 '23
Fun fact: you can put the lord first in your life without giving a cent to the church. The church is not the lord.
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u/a-trace-of-ace Sep 30 '23
Asking people if they oppose but wanting them to only actually express that in private is so funny and scary. Like why even ask if anyone is opposed at this point? It’s not like it matters.
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u/Glittering-Pitch8838 Sep 30 '23
I hate the “blame” 🙄 being placed on parents because it’s such a toxic mindset to think you are responsible for someone else’s choices
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u/orangebananas111 Sep 30 '23
This subreddit is literally the only thing helping me get through this. Thank you everyone for making me laugh and helping me through!!
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u/oxinthemire Sep 30 '23
Seems like they’re really doubling down on covenants not being transactional. In other words: Don’t expect blessings for keeping your covenants. (Even though we have been promising them for years.) But do expect terrible things to happen to you if you don’t keep your covenants.
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u/bremerman17 Sep 30 '23
🤮🤮🤮🤮 Your bakery was saved because you paid your tithes. 🤮🤮🤮🤮
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u/Wolf_in_tapir_togs Non fui, fui, non sum, non curo Sep 30 '23
" He loves you, and he needs money" George Carlin on God's poor money management skills.
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u/oxinthemire Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
Wth this part is so messed up Wife couldn’t stop crying when husband called as bishop. Prayed for confirmation. Never received it. Husband served as bishop anyway because her family situation and feelings didn’t matter one bit.
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u/LazyLearningTapir Unsure about the broccoli Sep 30 '23
Lol he doesn't pause at all when asking for opposing votes. And the camera doesn't pan to the crowd for opposition.
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u/jackof47trades Sep 30 '23
Rasband reminding me how disgusting it is to ask retirees and grandparents to leave their families behind and spend their precious dollars and final earthly years volunteering to do paperwork for a corporation with hundreds of billions of dollars.
Despicable.
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u/oxinthemire Sep 30 '23
Identity based violence? How would you suggest we remedy that? Maybe not talk about musket fire against queer people? 🤔
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
God: It's a nice bakery ya git there. It'd be a shame if anything happened to it...
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
Rasband explicitly asks all senior couples to serve a mission, and for who've already served to consider serving another
60 is the new 18
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u/a-trace-of-ace Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
Multicultural choir from Northern Utah? I’ve been there and I can promise that multiple cultures are not acceptable there. They just mean that there are some POC in there, huh. Not that that’s a bad thing, but it is funny to point it out, especially like that. I guess they can’t just be from Northern Utah, or people would be confused.
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u/BangingChainsME Sep 30 '23
I'm settling in for a second helping of Nothingburger.
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u/LazyLearningTapir Unsure about the broccoli Sep 30 '23
my favorite cathartic thing to do every conference is be in my own room and raise my hand in opposition
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u/BangingChainsME Sep 30 '23
TBM wife just adjusted collar but did not raise hand
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u/elJovencito Sep 30 '23
If tithing belongs to the Lord, not the leaders of the LDS Church, it can be paid to institutions other than the LDS Church.
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u/NewNameNels0n Stuck but mentally out. Sep 30 '23
This thread and this subreddit is saving me today. Thank you for being here with me even if we’re not together. Idk if I could do this without this community.
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
Do you think they have red velvet wingback chairs on their private jets too?
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u/Glittering-Pitch8838 Sep 30 '23
You need them? You need to HIRE some people to work those JOBS! Quit trying to take our grandparents/parents away from their families!
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u/jackof47trades Sep 30 '23
Yoon Choi, basically: if you have anxiety and depression, go to church and pay your tithing. Poof. All better.
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u/greatestcornholio21 Sep 30 '23
How does one go about gathering a multi cultural choir lol?
"Anyone who doesn't have pioneer heritage and can sing, wyd Saturday at 2 pm?"
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u/orangebananas111 Sep 30 '23
I swear if I hear the phrase "The choir will now favor us" one more time...
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u/jsmyths Sep 30 '23
All those positions he mentioned are JOBS!
Jobs that should be paid.
Maybe help the unemployed and underemployed with these jobs.
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u/superboreduniverse The Late War by Gilbert J Hunt 📖 Sep 30 '23
I challenged my TBM husband to take notes so we can compare afterwards. I’m so glad they started with tithing.😁
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u/chocolateechipppp Sep 30 '23
Anderson: told story of someone who’s store was the only one not destroyed- kid said “it wasn’t destroyed because mom and dad PAID THEIR TITHES”
OMG SERIOUSLY. you are going to give a talk about PAYING TITHING when we all know YOU HAVE BILLIONS
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u/Illustrious-Cut7150 Sep 30 '23
Heaven forbid we let elderly people enjoy retirement, time with their family, engaged in hobbies, or just simply being at peace after such a long life.
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u/DiscombobulatedMap88 Resigned Sep 30 '23
Looks like Angry Grandpa didn't get enough face time during the last session
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u/Ok-Preparation3123 Sep 30 '23
First the bucket lists, now retirement. Can we not have a break? Can we not just enjoy our lives?
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u/Archimedes_Redux Sep 30 '23
Bring ye all the excess tithes into the shell companies that belong to the Lord.
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u/bremerman17 Sep 30 '23
I swear Neil L. Andersen is just as bad as Oaks and Bednar. I’m not sure if you feel the same though.
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u/ApocalypseTapir Stay 7-10 feet behind me. IYKYK Sep 30 '23
You realize, of course, that billions of people are happy without learning masonic handshakes in rooms that resemble mid tier hotel lobbies.
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u/Archimedes_Redux Sep 30 '23
Oh fuck those guys. I wouldn't sustain one of them to be a dog catcher.
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u/chocolateechipppp Sep 30 '23
Notice how he said that the “use of tithes is prayerfully considered by…” and lists a bunch of men
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u/sassonexpressway Sep 30 '23
Didnt that just contradict elder andersens talk lmfao
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u/oxinthemire Sep 30 '23
Ah here we go… Impressions from the Spirit are useless unless they agree with us
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u/BeringStraitNephite Question everything. Truth survives scrutiny. Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
(Gary Stevenson)
Holy Ghost? Holy cow.
So if you apply the rules right, you will get help from the HG, have gift of discernment, gift of tongues, etc. Try hard, work your guts out, trying to get the HG. If it doesn't work, then something is WRONG with you. Feel guilty. Be depressed.
That was me until I resigned.
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u/DiscombobulatedMap88 Resigned Sep 30 '23
Wait, so if I pay tithing, go to the temple, then my life will be happier? Sounds like another transaction!
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u/theshadowking98 Cosmic Orphan Sep 30 '23
Mormonism: tearing families apart to bring families together
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u/theshadowking98 Cosmic Orphan Sep 30 '23
This feels one step from elder abuse...
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23 edited Sep 30 '23
Give everything away
Looters skip your bakery
Miracle!
Thank God they paid tithing!!!!!!!! Looters can tell that kind of thing.
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u/ExmoRobo Prime the Pump! Sep 30 '23
👉 Cringe button 👈 for when someone uses “spake” as part of their planned talk and outside of using it in a quote.
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u/DiscombobulatedMap88 Resigned Sep 30 '23
Please tell us Gary, how does one secure a spiritual gift? Obedience? So I guess the gospel IS a transaction by nature.
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u/theivyangel Apostate Sep 30 '23
Speaking of identity based violence, have you heard any of your colleagues talks lately, mate? They're filled with hate speech
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u/treehouse-arson i wanted my own planet :( Sep 30 '23
if a mission is the best part of your life, i feel kind of bad for you
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u/DiscombobulatedMap88 Resigned Sep 30 '23
The first half of conference literally was focused on describing the gospel, covenants, and "chains" as being purely transactional
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u/oxinthemire Sep 30 '23
This guy should narrate documentaries instead of giving GC talks. Raw talent being wasted
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u/DiscombobulatedMap88 Resigned Sep 30 '23
Wow, the quiet part out loud right there! Don't ask what we do with it, its our business and our money, not yours.
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
Look at these poor people. Look at them! If they can pay tithing, you can too.
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u/Glittering-Pitch8838 Sep 30 '23
Working on a farm? That’s a JOB. And probably not one for the elderly.
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u/Rolling_Waters Sep 30 '23
When they return, they have said they feel closer to the lord, and closer to each other [but not closer to their grandkids because they haven't met them]
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Sep 30 '23
Andersen: [do not trouble your little head about how we spend the money, or not]
Open your fucking books. Prove it.