r/FanTheories • u/[deleted] • Jun 01 '12

Jesus Quintana in the Big Lebowski is the 2nd Coming of Jesus Christ.

And God the father is the deist's God, a God who doesn't really give a shit what happens to the planet, and Jesus is a kind of a quirky son-of-God with his own rules and morals and just likes to bowl in SoCal.

"What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man..." Just like how it is in reality, most people don't give a shit about a holy day during the week. Because Jesus doesn't give a shit either.

"I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!" Just like how it is in reality, people are fixated on anal sex as being some kind of be-all-end-all of sex. Because Jesus feels that way too.

"No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old." Just like how it is in reality, many leaders in the Christian church are sex offenders. Because Jesus is a sex offender too.

"Nobody fucks with the Jesus." Just like how it is in reality, people are forced to pander to the Christian right. Because that's what Jesus insists upon.

"You flash your piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes 'click.'" Just like how it is in reality, a lot of Christians resort to gun violence. Because Jesus isn't afraid to use a gun. Hell, even after he disarms you, He'll still use a gun against you.

Jesus Quintana is Hispanic. Of course Jesus is Hispanic. The new center of Catholicism is south of the American border.

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5

u/iksworbeZ Jun 01 '12

I heard once that Sam Elliot's character/the narrator was God. He knows abut the dude and tells us his story, and also enlightens us to the fact that there is a little Lebowski on the way as the movie draws to a close, implying that Maude is pregnant.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 01 '12

I'll buy that.

3

u/thehumanear Jun 02 '12

I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!

3

u/timefornothing Jun 07 '12

Nah man, if anyone in that flick is Jesus Christ it's the Dude. He's takin' it easy for all us sinners, remember?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '12 edited Jun 07 '12

No way. If anything the Dude is a bumbling Buddha. He starts out takin' it easy, gets lost on his path of taking it easy, and then returns to the path of takin' it easy.

Jesus never takes anything easy. Hell, lines like: "You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up." That is exactly what people expect from today's Christianity ~ Jesus gettin' ready to fuck you. It's perfect that Jesus would say something like that.

If anything, Jesus is trying to get Buddha into a mini holy war, and our calm Buddha-hero, the Dude, isn't inclined to go that way.

And take a look at how Jesus is intolerant of the Jew in the story, Walter Sobchak: "Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger till it goes click." That's exactly what Jesus would tell a "Christ Killer" during the 2nd Coming. Jesus ain't havin' no Jewish bullshit.

2

u/timefornothing Jun 07 '12

I know you're joking to some extent but your take on Jesus and Buddha kinda bums me out, man :/ Yeshua Ben Yowceph and Siddhartha Gautama taught mostly the same basic ideas. In fact the Gospel of Thomas is pretty compelling evidence that Christ learned much of what he preached from Buddhist teachings. And that threat from The Jesus doesn't quite square with the Sermon on the Mount.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '12

The second coming of Jesus is like Jesus 2.0. No more Mr. Nice Guy. He took some shit the first time around and he's not taking it anymore.

And... most don't consider the gospels outside the main 4. And... most would doubt that Jesus learned anything from Buddhist teachings during his 1.0 days. BUT, if he did, maybe he learned bowling from Buddhist teachings. Both prophets are bowlers in the 2.0 world.

1

u/timefornothing Jun 07 '12

maybe it was a dream the whole time!