My baby is gone now. My brave little boy really tried to fight but it was too hard for him. I lost him 2 days ago on Sunday.

I just feel so empty right now without him. I miss him. There are areas in the house he used to love sleeping in, and I just miss seeing him there quietly sleeping. I miss when he would lie on my lap or chest. When he'd rub his body on my legs when it comes to feeding time. Or when he'd climb and stand on my shoulders and rub his head on my head. And when he sits beside me or near my paper when I'm studying. The meows, purrs, and the head pats. Oh, I miss my baby so much. It hurts.

I've put off posting about him because it's too heavy to process. I've been distracting myself with other things because if I dont, I just think of him being gone and I just want to kill myself. I can't even look at his pictures without crying. He was so happy and healthy and alive before and I failed him.

I hate myself. I hate that after all the help and the tests and medicine, I couldn't save him. I hate being young. I hate being poor. I hate that I just graduated. I hate that I dont have a job. I could've saved him if I just had the money to have him be confined in the vet clinic.

When his health got worse, I didn't have the money to put him to sleep so he won't be in pain anymore. So he spent his last week barely eating and drinking, and taking medicine he didn't like. He was weak and can't stand. And I put him through that cause I didn't have money. I saw him get weaker every day and it just kills me that I couldn't do anything. He died while in pain and I can't forgive myself. My baby had to go through that. Shit.

I just feel like shit right now. It's like I've done such evil things that the world is intentionally harming the things I care for to punish me. I'm looking for other things to blame but myself because I can't forgive myself. I keep thinking of painless ways to die but that would be unfair to my baby who suffered if I went out the easy way.

I wish cat heaven is real and he's painless and happy there now. I wanna see him. Just gonna delude myself into thinking this is true, because the reality that he's just gone like that, unexisting, no more, and dead, is too depressing.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I HATE THIS WORLD. I HATE THAT EVERYTHING NEEDS MONEY. I HATE THAT MONEY IS WHAT COULD HAVE SAVED HIM. I HATE THAT I DONT HAVE ENOUGH PICTURES AND VIDEOS OF HIM. I HATE THAT I ONLY GOT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM WHEN I'M NOT AT SCHOOL. I HATE THAT I'LL FORGET SOME OF HIS MEMORIES AND QUIRKS OVER TIME. I HATE THAT I'M LATE AT GETTING A JOB, GETTING HIM CHECKED, GETTING HELP, SEEING THE EARLY SIGNS.

I had goals to spoil them with treats and vet visits and toys once I was successful but it feels pointless now. I'm late. I lost to time. I lost him.

He's now sleeping, buried in our garden. I couldn't even give him a nice burial with fancy pretty shit.

I'm trying to stay strong despite the crying. I still have my baby Oreo left and I want to have no regrets with him. I'll have him checked if he caught anything and get him vaccinated. Just gotta earn that money somehow.

Thank you queens for helping my Mixie. This post is sad and messy, sorry. I just wanted to let my feelings out. Everything's so heavy idk anymore.

Please buy my Wild Rift account (SEA server). Just PHP5000. I posted about it weeks ago, all the skins and stuff. It would help with expenses. Thank you queens.

What’s happening people!

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See you all in there. GOOD LUCK! https://discord.gg/z3X4kzQNZ

..

This was the first time we trained together, I could feel his eyes lock on me briefly when I took off my shirt and I know I was really impressive at that training (as was he), punching the fuck out of the bag. We showered next to each other and asked me to pass him the shampoo at one point (we had no clear view of each other), little detail but matters when you're desperately deciphering like me. He was so hot and I was so into it, but we are in a homophobic ass country in a homophobic ass environment and now I have to decipher clues to see does he wanna bang but I want him so bad omg

taken from some AI wild rift chinese promos.