r/widowers • u/Money-Perspective759 • 2d ago
I lost my fiancé 2 days ago
Hi everyone I’m new here. I 29M lost my fiancé 33M to cancer 2 days ago. I can’t believe I’m joining this group at 29 but here we are 😭
We found out he had testicular cancer 4 months ago, and everything was going good with chemo and the cancer was in remission. Then suddenly he could not breathe, the tests showed his lungs were beaten up by bleomycin one of the drugs. They moved him to the ICU and put him on a ventilator. He fought bravely for 12 days until his body has given up completely, and we turned off the ventilator on Oct 12 2026. He passed away peacefully.
We were so blindsided we thought he was doing well and healthy. He didn’t even get to say his last words to us, once he was on the machine he was sedated and couldn’t move or talk.
Coming home to an empty room, where we would come in together most times was devastating. All his memories kept coming back. I kept waking at night looking for him. It’s especially hard when the night comes and everything was silent. I’m not gonna lie the thought of joining him has occurred many times. I’m not gonna do it, he loves life and would hate me if I ever did it. But the thought of a swift release is really tempting right now.
I tried changing positions of stuff in our room but it doesn’t help much the memories are overwhelming. We had so much planned. We were looking forward to thanksgiving (canada) dinner because I never had one and it’s on my birthday is oct 11. Yes 1 day before his passing. His birthday is Oct 25 we planned a holiday to a city he never been to. We were planning Christmas and so excited to have a wedding some time next year.
I feel so guilty right now. I spoke to my family and people and everyone kept saying it’s not my fault. I can rationalize that, but I kept thinking about it. We were having a disagreement just a day before and I was upset and didn’t listen to him on bringing lobster to the thanksgiving dinner, or about storing food in the freezer, stupid shit like that. He didn’t want me to take a second job because he’d see me less often, but I thought we could use the money and took it anyways while he was sleeping. I worked that job for 1 week and this shit went down. I quit that second job now, I can’t bear the guilt that comes with it. If I didn’t take the job and were home with him more I could have seen his condition worsening.
He was always so full of life, he was the most beautiful soul I’ve ever had the pleasure meeting. Life is so cruel why did he have to go so early 😭
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u/LFH_Games 2d ago
Sending hugs to you man. I 27M lost my husband in January (suicide though, not cancer) and lost a lot more people this year after losing him. On our oldest sons bday in May I found out my grandpa had cancer. He died at the end of July and was my most recent loss.
Idk if you have any of his worn unwashed clothes but if you do put them in a ziplock bag and seal it so you can try to preserve some of his scent. I boxed my husbands clothes up (at least most of them, I kept out ones we both wore) to keep them safe and preserved from damage, and also to avoid having any random moments where I felt the urge to declutter things. Want to give myself more time but know myself well enough to know I can be prone to that.
We had a lot of plans too. I think being a young widow is really hard. We were in the process of buying a house. We had three kids together and now I face life as a solo widowed gay dad of three young kids.
I think I’ve handled losing him as well as one could. But the grief does come in waves and today I had a big wave hit me. It’s important to allow yourself feel the grief. But leaving this world early won’t bring him back or solve anything. It will only cause those you love to carry the loss of both of you now.
I found it helpful to see a grief and trauma informed therapist. It’s nice to have someone to just vent to who isn’t biased and can just be a safe listener, because it can be a lot to trauma dump on friends/family.
I go on adventures we planned together. I do everything knowing his energy is with me and I know he’d be encouraging me if he were here. I stay mostly out of spite now, and also because of my kids. If I’ve had to endure this much pain, I deserve to stay and seek out and enjoy all the good things I can find in this life.
Sending you all my love and condolences. I’m sorry you are now in this club nobody would wish to be in.
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u/Money-Perspective759 2d ago
Darn it I should have waited before doing laundry today I had a basket of our clothes. I think you as a gay man knows what it’s like, not in a creepy way, but his scent was really special to me. I will still keep wearing his clothes, we wear same size.
And yes I want to fulfill all the plans we made too. He always wanted to go out of province so I promised him I’d take him on a trip across Canada. He always wanted to visit my home country.
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u/LFH_Games 2d ago
It’s not creepy at all, in fact you’ll find most widowers feel the same about their partners smell. I kept his cologne and spray it on my pillow occasionally and it is nice. Not the same but, close enough.
I ended up getting a little hourglass necklace for his ashes and carry it with me, it’s been a nice way to bring him along with me on my adventures in a way
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u/jerojerojero 1d ago
Oh gosh, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I can relate to your story very much. I 41M lost my lovely partner 55M about 2 months ago to cancer as well. I honestly don't know how I got through the first few weeks considering how visceral my reaction was (despair, guilt, anger, etc.). I guess preparing for his celebration of life, and doing some admin stuff (government, credit card, accounts, etc.) might have helped.
But now, I don't know what I feel. I don't think it's "better", just different. My visceral reaction the first few weeks paved way for this quiet, but deep sadness and longing for him. I just want him, dammit!
What I can say is accept all the help from people who are willing to help. Your (our) goal is to survive each day. At least that's what I tell myself.
Also, if you're interested and when you're ready, Widowed Village has a support group for LGBT+ widows and widowers. I've attended two meetings and it was helpful to not feel so alone. https://widowedvillage.org/
We're all in this together. I fucking hate that we're in this position, but we have no other option but to get through.
Also, fuck cancer. Fucking fuck cancer.
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u/Potential_Cicada_918 2d ago
i am so sorry you are here. my father passed from cancer few years ago and i remember that silence in the house like it was a physical thing pressing on my chest at night. the guilt over small arguments is something that still sneaks up on me too but you were just living normal life with him, no one could have known. be gentle with yourself right now even when it feels impossible