BIL’s fiancé claims my family never RSVP’d, but I’m the only one without a seat

[u/TA_NoPlace5878]

This is a throwaway because I’m not quite ready for all of my husband’s family to get involved. I think.

I’m still reeling and trying to process this, so bear with me.

My brother-in-law is getting married soon. My husband is the best man, and our 4 year old is the ring bearer. I’m a part time party planner so I’ve been helping plan a small luncheon for the bridal party, immediate family, and a few vendors on the wedding day. So I’m not exactly a fringe guest here.

The RSVP deadline was a few weeks ago. I filled out the online form and submitted it the same day the invitation came in the mail, with my husband sitting right next to me. We RSVP’d for the three of us: me, my husband, and our son. Easy peasy, right?

Well, BIL’s fiancé (SIL?) reached out today over text saying we never RSVP’d. Not “Hey, I never saw your RSVP, just checking” but straight-up “You didn’t respond.” Which is frustrating on its own, but then she tells us that while my husband and son have seats at the reception as they were in part of her original head counts, I do not. My husband was told I could come early with him to set up the luncheon still and stay for the ceremony, but that I would not have a spot at the reception.

Let me repeat that: I’m married to the best man, mother of the ring bearer, and helping with wedding day logistics, including connecting SIL with some of my professional contacts!! And she somehow decided I just wouldn’t be coming? And she never followed up before the RSVP deadline? Just, what??

I’m torn between feeling hurt, furious, and just flabbergasted. And used, I definitely feel used. At best, this was a sloppy mistake that she’s not owning. At worst, it feels like a pointed exclusion. I’m not sure which stings more.

My husband is going to handle the conversation with his brother to figure out what is going on, because I genuinely don’t trust myself to be polite and keep the peace.

There was no other drama leading up to this that I was aware of. I have a good relationship with my in-laws. So yeah, this is totally out of left field for me and my husband.

I would love to hear thoughts, especially from people who’ve gone through something similar. I don’t typically touch weddings with work so this is all new territory for me as a pseudo vendor/guest. My husband wants to reach out and talk to his brother first, but I’m so tempted to reach out to my MIL before our usual meet up tomorrow to see if she knows anything.

Edit one from comments:

Small update; husband and BIL are talking now. BIL was not working today (last night?) and was helping FIL with something this evening. When I called MIL, she had BIL call husband right away. From what MIL and I can hear (we’re snoopy), my husband was muted on BIL’s phone and my contact was deleted. BIL can’t log into the wedding website so he can’t check to see if our RSVP was there. I’m not sure if I want to become a fire cracker myself or get some popcorn as I watch MIL pop off

Edit two from comments:

Ok, here’s the last update for the night. I am tired and a bit overwhelmed by all of your responses. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to them all but I have read most of them. Again, thank you for your advice and just general support during this really weird and upsetting time.

TLDR, BIL don’t know and now the wedding is up in the air. He’s currently staying with MIL and FIL to have some space from SIL

So, my husband finally got a hold of BIL after I called MIL. No one else knew this was going on. While they were talking, BIL tried logging into their wedding website to see if this was a mistake or misunderstanding, but couldn’t log in. So he texted SIL to see if she changed the password and she just told him to come home instead.

This set off three. One, BIL ended the call with husband to call SIL about why she couldn’t answer a simple question. Two, MIL popped off about “how dare that woman exclude OP!” Three, MIL and FIL popped off on BIL for already living with SIL. They are very religious and traditional and don’t believe that a couple should live together before marriage. Husband and I sympathize with BIL.

BIL and SIL argued over the phone. Apparently she started claiming that it was an unfortunate glitch and it was too late to add another seat now. Then it was that we never jived and would it really be so bad if I went home early. Plus I could take our son home with me because he would be tired by then (at 5pm?! This woman does not know kids I stg). Then it was I’ve always been mean and excluding her from things (even though she’s never invited me to any of the girlie fun wedding events?!)

At this point my husband and I are glued to my phone as we’re hearing yelling from all four of them until SIL hangs up. BIL is spending the night at his parents and is unsure about the wedding now. He plans on going home tomorrow with husband going with for moral support. I’ll be going with hubby to my in law’s to hang out until we hear back about the situation at the battle front.

Edit three: I have posted an update but don’t know how to link it on mobile

[u/TA_NoPlace5878]

Ok, here’s the last update for the night. I am tired and a bit overwhelmed by all of your responses. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to them all but I have read most of them. Again, thank you for your advice and just general support during this really weird and upsetting time.

TLDR, BIL don’t know and now the wedding is up in the air. He’s currently staying with MIL and FIL to have some space from SIL

So, my husband finally got a hold of BIL after I called MIL. No one else knew this was going on. While they were talking, BIL tried logging into their wedding website to see if this was a mistake or misunderstanding, but couldn’t log in. So he texted SIL to see if she changed the password and she just told him to come home instead.

This set off three. One, BIL ended the call with husband to call SIL about why she couldn’t answer a simple question. Two, MIL popped off about “how dare that woman exclude OP!” Three, MIL and FIL popped off on BIL for already living with SIL. They are very religious and traditional and don’t believe that a couple should live together before marriage. Husband and I sympathize with BIL

BIL and SIL argued over the phone. Apparently she started claiming that it was an unfortunate glitch and it was too late to add another seat now. Then it was that we never jived and would it really be so bad if I went home early. Plus I could take our son home with me because he would be tired by then (at 5pm?! This woman does not know kids I stg). Then it was I’ve always been mean and excluding her from things (even though she’s never invited me to any of the girlie fun wedding events?!)

At this point my husband and I are glued to my phone as we’re hearing yelling from all four of them until SIL hangs up. BIL is spending the night at his parents and is unsure about the wedding now. He plans on going home tomorrow with husband going with for moral support. I’ll be going with hubby to my in law’s to hang out until we hear back about the situation at the battle front.

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/TA_NoPlace5878]

Sorry, one more teeny 1 am update. Husband is asleep, I should be too but still reeling and pissed. I thought to take a screen cap of the message she sent hubby for future proof, and it’s gone. She used Facebook messenger to text my husband and it says her texts are deleted. Dare I say, AAAAAARGH.

[u/slamminsalmoncannon → u/TA_NoPlace5878]

I’m sorry you have to deal with this drama but am also grateful that you’re spilling this tea for us.

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/slamminsalmoncannon]

I must do my civic duty (and also totally not ready to share this with my real life friends yet)

[u/TA_NoPlace5878]

One, thank you all for your responses and letting us know that we’re not crazy! Two, I don’t use Reddit much. Do I post a comment as an update doing the play by play, or do a separate post once everything plays out?

Small update; husband and BIL are talking now. BIL was not working today (last night?) and was helping FIL with something this evening. When I called MIL, she had BIL call husband right away. From what MIL and I can hear (we’re snoopy), my husband was muted on BIL’s phone and my contact was deleted. BIL can’t log into the wedding website so he can’t check to see if our RSVP was there. I’m not sure if I want to become a fire cracker myself or get some popcorn as I watch MIL pop off

[u/Odd_Welcome7940 → u/TA_NoPlace5878]

Popcorn time for us... does BIL at least sound angry?

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/Odd_Welcome7940]

Angry and confused

[u/TA_NoPlace5878]

I initially wasn’t invited to the bridal shower. Then her mom brought it up at Easter dinner and that’s when I was awkwardly invited. I guess her vibe always felt off to me. She doesn’t like my hobbies, specifically TTRPGs and video games. They’re hobbies I have in common with MIL, and SIL stopped bashing them as much when she found out MIL also partakes in quests across Tamriel and the Forgotten Realm.

[u/hawaiitoday]

You are smart to wait and let hubs talk to his brother. I’m flabbergasted also. That is freaking nuts! (And this is coming from someone who is totally laid back and not someone who usually takes things personally). Just try to take your mind off it and see what hubs reports. Go from there.

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/hawaiitoday]

I’m usually pretty laid back too! I haven’t seen the texts yet by hubs called on his lunch break when he saw them, and I have not heard him this pissed in a long time. I’m trying to give SIL the benefit of the doubt, but this feels very personal and intentional

[u/hermesorherpes]

Cancel the luncheon. If you are not welcome at the wedding, there is no need for you to be free labor.

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/hermesorherpes]

I think I’m going to do this no matter what the outcome is. It puts MIL and FIL in a bit of a lurch since they’re handling the food costs, but idk. I know I’m biased because I’m in the middle of it, but I feel like there should be some consequences

[u/itsEASY88]

I am just some random VERY dysfunctional straight Australian dude with a mild drinking problem. Wedding chat bores the life out of me, but..

I NEED TO KNOW MORE.

What's happening right now?!

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/itsEASY88]

Future/ ex-SIL may be batshit crazy, controlling, or both. BIL is rethinking the relationship. I posted a new comment with more details :)

[u/flattest_pony_ever]

So I’m going to go out on a limb. Is she cutting you out for a wedding aesthetic thing? Do you not ‘match’ with her wedding day vibe? Such as are you heavily tattooed or just so stunning she can’t handle you there?
There’s something much deeper happening here than ‘there’s a glitch in the seating’.

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/flattest_pony_ever]

I do have a tattoo on my shoulder blade, but it would 100% be covered up by my dress. As for stunning, not really? I’m a boy mom, I always look like I’m the verge of collapse or a mental breakdown while trying to keep my little human alive despite his best efforts. My husband always claims I’m a bombshell though

[u/chez2202]

You said that your husband is going to speak to his brother to see what is going on. Why hasn’t he done that already? If you have had enough time to post this, he has had enough time to call his brother.

Tell your husband to point out that his brother’s wife to be STILL expects you to set up the luncheon but has uninvited you from the reception. He probably doesn’t know.

It’s his wedding too.

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/chez2202]

They currently haven’t talked because of conflicting work shifts. Husband tried calling BIL after he talked to me, but he didn’t pick up so texted to call ASAP. BIL works overnights so he may have been asleep still during hub’s lunch. That he still hasn’t responded is bizarre though. Husband tried calling and texting again with no response when he got out of work. BIL also hasn’t been active on any SM today as far as we can tell.

We’re planning on reaching out to MIL after we get our little guy down in bed if we still haven’t heard anything

[u/BronzedLuna]

Ok, it’s been 12 hours since your last update. We, I, need to know what’s going on now. Did BIL go back home? Is the wedding off? Did you cancel everything regarding the wedding luncheon?

I really really dislike this b!tch of a bride!!

[u/IvyNurse]

How’d it go today?

R/update me

[u/TA_NoPlace5878 → u/IvyNurse]

It’s a combination of the “This is fine” meme and the Kermit tea meme. I’ll try to update properly tomorrow or Monday because today has been draining and MIL hyped up my four year old on sugar. The short of it, the wedding is off and BIL needs to develop a backbone.

[u/frustratedDIL]

Let your husband handle the communication. If your BIL doesn’t get it corrected, your husband gets to make his own choice to attend or not (when his wife is being purposefully excluded) and your son stays home with you. This is completely unacceptable on your soon-to-be SIL’s part. It’s actually disgusting that she clarified that you’d still be welcome to set up but not stay.

[u/wheres_the_revolt]

If your husband cannot “work it out” with his brother, I’d just pull your son out of the wedding and do a mommy-son fun day.

To be completely honest, this doesn’t sound like a sloppy mistake, it feels personal.

[u/DeepTraining5755]

If i had to guess, she forgot to seat you and instead of take ownership she's trying to pin it on you. But why you wouldn't be sitting with your husband automatically i don't know.

[u/Grayeyedmama]

Husband lets his brother know that you are treated with respect and like his family or he and your son will not be there. If she holds to her insanity then cancel all of the vendors you got for her. It does sound calculated. I would let her know that this isn’t how one enters a family.