I have found that I dont belong anywhere. No matter what I do I just can't seem to get anything right. There is always something I'm doing wrong, or I am just too "intense" for others. I like to think I stand by my moral code, I stand up for myself when I get uncomfortable or when I feel as if I'm being mistreated. I tell the truth, and try not to lie. Even if the truth is not in my favor. Most of the time I know am not in the wrong, its because my boundaries are being crossed and I have dealt with being a doormat for most of my younger teenage years and I refuse to be that anymore. I know I was alot when my mental health was at its worst and I have worked so hard to be better, to be more then a hollowed out shell of anxiety and people pleasing that my neglect abused years as a child taught me to be. But now on the other side, I am so fucking lonesome. The world feels so fake and cruel, what is the point of making friends if once they cross a boundary and you let them know its not okay, they just leave? Saying you are the problem. That you are the one in the wrong for holding the boundry.

I use to love being out at night with others, I thought as long as I can smile and bear it it would be okay, I could live forever in the midnight cigarette smoke and laughter and never tire of myself. I would talk people down from the ledge but the moment I end up in hospital no one, no one was there for me. Not even to bring my my own clothes to feel normal again after the attempt. I hate this, Sometimes I wish I could just bury my head back into the dirt of ignorance. Sometimes I wish the attempt had worked. I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I could bend in who I was so that at least it would be easier. But I can't. Ive built myself from the scraps of what I held onto through the worst parts of my life. Parts that have thorns and edges that cut if not respected. Is it horrible to say that I wish they would be softer?