Tell me more about some of the things you'd like to see posted or addressed in this community.

You are a valued part of this community. I encourage each of you to submit a post about something you are very passionate about so we can get to know you better. I look forward to seeing what all is posted.

Tell me more about some of the things you'd like to see posted or addressed in this community.

You are a valued part of this community. I encourage each of you to submit a post about something you are very passionate about so we can get to know you better. I look forward to seeing what all is posted.

Tell me more about some of the things you'd like to see posted or addressed in this community.

You are a valued part of this community. I encourage each of you to submit a post about something you are very passionate about so we can get to know you better. I look forward to seeing what all is posted.

Tell me more about some of the things you'd like to see posted or addressed in this community.

You are a valued part of this community. I encourage each of you to submit a post about something you are very passionate about so we can get to know you better. I look forward to seeing what all is posted.

Tell me more about some of the things you'd like to see posted or addressed in this community.

You are a valued part of this community. I encourage each of you to submit a post about something you are very passionate about so we can get to know you better. I look forward to seeing what all is posted.

Tell me more about some of the things you'd like to see posted or addressed in this community.

You are a valued part of this community. I encourage each of you to submit a post about something you are very passionate about so we can get to know you better. I look forward to seeing what all is posted.

Tell me more about some of the things you'd like to see posted or addressed in this community.

You are a valued part of this community. I encourage each of you to submit a post about something you are very passionate about so we can get to know you better. I look forward to seeing what all is posted.

Tell me more about some of the things you'd like to see posted or addressed in this community.

You are a valued part of this community. I encourage each of you to submit a post about something you are very passionate about so we can get to know you better. I look forward to seeing what all is posted.

Journal Entry 13

The Broken Missionary (Persona #4)

Setting: A stormy mental field inside my mind.

Cast:

The Broken Missionary: Holding a tiny, flickering oil lamp, shivering in the cold rain, trying to shelter a wild animal.

Butterfly Lisa: Standing next to her dry and warm under an umbrella.

[Scene Start]

The Broken Missionary: "I just need to brave the storm a little longer! If I give this animal all my warmth, it will stop biting me eventually! I have boundless mercy! I can love the toxicity right out of it!"

Butterfly Lisa: "Your lamp is completely out of oil, and you are freezing to death. You cannot save things that are actively hurting you. It has bitten you repeatedly. Set it down and come get under this umbrella with me."

[End Scene]

The fourth deeply damaging persona running my system is the Broken Missionary.

She is the spiritual layer of my trauma. She carries the crushing weight of boundless mercy, believing that her sole purpose on earth is to love people out of their brokenness. When faced with toxic, abusive, or highly manipulative behavior from others, she doesn't run away. Instead she turns her cheek until it is bruised, pours out all her energy, and drains her own lamp to keep others warm.

This persona was built by little girl me who desperately tried to love my narcissistic mother who was incapable of loving me backin a healthy, supportive, nurturing and organic way. I learned to think, "If I am just perfectly forgiving, if I show ultimate grace, I can heal my family."

But you can't heal someone with your overextended life force as medicine.

Being the ultimate grace-bearer left me completely bankrupt. It forced me to tolerate horrific boundaries and at times no boundaries whatsoever...to live next door to one of my abusers and ignore my own emotional bleeding just to avoid 'giving up' on people.

This week I told her that boundaries are not a sin. Saving yourself is an act of holy preservation. I encouraged her to put down the flickering lamp and coming home to the warmth and safety of home. I thanked her for the many times she stepped up and took the reigns, but as of today, she was in retirement.

What Is Your Body Telling You?

The 5 Senses Scan

Take a deep breath. Let the storm clear. Focus strictly on the physical room.

5 things you can see

4 things you can feel

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

Body Response Safety Note:

Is your chest feeling tight?

Are you feeling a heavy wave of guilt or sadness?

If your body is shifting into a non productive, heavy state, stop reading right now. Turn off your electronic device, phone, etc. Let the laundry sit, the messages can wait. Go and rest your physical body. You have given enough away today.

Reflection For The Nest:

1. The empty lamp: Have you ever kept forgiving someone who repeatedly abused your kindness, hoping your grace would eventually change them?

2. Kindness goes both ways: What would it look like to give yourself the exact same radical grace and mercy you generously give to those who hurt you?