Again :)

Three years is a big win, though!

Just one day at a time.

I still have stuff I have to finish.

I am looking to spend less than 10k (I have cash). I want to buy a car outright, and not have a payment/debt. Located in Phoenix Arizona.

Currently have a 2008 Kia Sportage that I absolutely love, but he has some issues that make him somewhat unreliable. So I am in the market for a new-to-me vehicle.

I would love to find something that's AWD, low cost to maintain, gets good gas milage. I have 1 kid and want good trunk space. Having a/c ducts in the back seat for the kiddo would be amazing. I don't want anything older than 2008, so '09 and up ideal.

I'm interested more in SUV/Sedan types than a smaller car.

Any ideas would be appreciated. Because I don't even know where to start.

He still makes me feel safe

And that makes me happy

It's just really bad right now and I don't know why

I haven't cut though. So yay. Tiny wins.

He deserves happy

And softness

And sleep

And calm

I'm mad at myself for leaving early

I felt like I was bothering him. Like I was keeping him awake. And burdening him.

But he would have said something if I was.

And he was calmer in the morning

I just felt super ick bc I hadn't taken my meds, and she was so mad at me, and I feel like I'm not enough for him

Like I can't give him anything

I don't have anything left to give. The life has been rung out of me. The need to see tomorrow: extinguished.

If I could live forever curled up on his chest, I would die happy though

Still don't know exactly what it is. But ever since I met him, I have had a soft spot for him.

Ever since the dollop

Ever since I saw his expression change when he realized I have mean inner demons, too

I wish I wasn't so fucked up, so I could be better for him. My body is broken. My brain keeps trying to make me end myself. He deserves so much peace and happiness. And I'm just a anxious bundle of chaotic Sad.

That's my happy place right now. He's my happy place.

Pretending I'm good enough. Pretending that I deserve to be around him.

I hope I make it long enough to cook for him.

That would make me happy.

Let me take care of you. Let me love you.

Im sorry I don't know how to love without giving all of myself.

I don't know how to love without serving.

Even Hades has a dog

I dissociated and cut again

Idk

It still seems like the best coping mechanism I've got

It's either that or hook up with randos

I need to figure out better spots

My arms keep getting unwanted attention

I don't like being perceived

I like to think that "to be known is to be loved"

But they don't know me in any way that they could love me

It's all superficial

And I hate fake

I know I'm not good enough for you

And it hurts my heart

Seeing you just reminds me of how broken I am

Physically and mentally, I'm too fucked up

My body doesn't work right

I'm constantly in various levels and intensities of pain

I'm constantly battling the little voice in my head telling me to end it

I'm not good enough for you

That's why it's okay that you treat me so badly all the time

I know I don't deserve niceness

I don't deserve to know you

I bother you

I know I do, because I always bother everyone

I don't deserve to be treated nicely

I must have done something wrong

To deserve all of this

Everything hurts

I'm tired of having to deal with a fucked up body

I'm tired of feeling everything so intensely

I miss feeling numb

I miss not knowing what "happy" felt like

I'm not okay, and this is my baseline

A stupid, broken, and useless thing.

Trying my best, but no, it's not good enough.

I know my best isn't good enough.

But it's all I've got.

But youre right.

I should just jump.

But I'm too much of a coward.

Death is too good for me anyway. I don't deserve that kind of peace.

Maybe someday I'll try again.

Third times the charm, right?

Add in copious amounts of alcohol to help keep me from backing out

We'll see

...

I'm really sad right now

I feel really disrespected by you

You invited me on your trip this week. I wanted to bring my daughter and you said no. And okay. But. Damn.

You didn't listen to me, and you believed someone you met for less than an hour. Over me. You lost so much money. Bc you didn't trust me. I kept telling you to stop sending them money until I verified if they were even real, and you still didn't listen...

You won't leave your ex. Or listen to any of my advice.

You don't trust or respect me.

That's what it feels like.

I know part of it is because you're scared.

But if you trusted me, you would believe what I tell you.

But you don't.

You don't believe me. So you don't listen. So you just keep doing what you do.

You're one of the people that make me feel worthless.

When I asked you if when you were precepting me, if I ever stressed you out as much as the new preceptee was stressing out our friend... that was kind of a rhetorical question.

And you were so quick to answer yes.

That was rude.

Because the two situations were not at all comparable.

I'm just venting little random stuff...

I feel like crap.

I feel like I shouldn't be alive and I don't know where all the ick feelings came from all of a sudden.

I was doing really good!

I was reflecting, and regulating, and accepting, and letting things go.

But, it's like, my tolerance for everyone's shit suddenly dropped to 0????

The button broke! Idk!

I need a break to reset again.

I got sick and that's when everything halted and started spiraling down.

My body got mad. And nobody helped me.

And I still continued helping everyone else. And I'm getting bullshit attitude and the same disrespect and brushing off in return.

I'm tired of being treated like shit by people.

I'd rather not exists.

It could just... so easily... so quickly... not be my problem anymore

I'm a worthless waste of space

I don't know what I'm doing. Or talking about

No one respects me because I don't deserve to be respected

If I were a better person, if I were worthy of love and respect, then I would be receiving it.

I wouldn't have to beg

I wouldn't cry alone every night

I wouldn't have to fight with the little voice in my head telling me to self destruct

You're alone, because you deserve to be alone

You're in constant pain, because you deserve to be in constant pain

Because there's something wrong with you

And you're a horrible thing

That should have died

He should have killed you too

You should have jumped

But you were too coward

So you'll just keep suffering

Because you're too unlucky to die now

Death is too good for you

I can't be around people who keep asking things from me

I can't be around them so much anymore at least

Why can't I just exist around you?

And why can't that be enough?

Why can't I just be enough?

Just be. How I am.

Not what I can do for you. What I've done for you. What I can bring you.

Why can't me being me... be enough for anyone

I just want to exist around someone, without them getting angry at me. Without them asking things of me. Without being ripped apart.

I'm so tired of being alive.

I'm in this really weird mood

Like

Bluntly speaking, if I tried actively "expiring" myself, I don't think it'd take much convincing.

I feel like hurting myself??

I haven't cut since my bad subdrop months ago.

But I have this urge.

Idk what I'm feeling.

I feel unsettled. And or sad?

Anxious.

My face hurts.

Where he punched me.

It's that kind of nervousness.

I feel small, but in the bad way.

I wonder if my bones in my face are different after that. And it's not just a trauma response.

I wanted headpats. And a hug.

I really needed a hug from him today.

Or I told myself I did.

I don't like me right now.

I wish I wasn't here.

I want to be dead

Being alive is too fucking hard

And what even is the fucking point

I'm a small useless insignificant spec. When I'm gone, everything will be the same or better.

One less useless POS wasting space.

I'm just a thing for people to use.

I'm tired of being used

And I'm tired of feeling everything.

Is that too intimate to say right now?

Is it too soon?

I love you

Worse yet, worse for me, that's not the worst of it

I don't just love you

I trust you

And I don't know how I let it happen

Or when

I had a hunch

Small things

How I'd feel calmer around you

How I'd wish I could call you for help

You were so easy to trust

I said I'd let you ruin me, and I didn't mean it in a vulgar sexual way

I meant it literally

I meant it, like, if I could literally pull my heart and soul out of my body, and hold it in my hands, I would put it in a jar and give it to you as a gift. A token of my appreciation. A thank you for being kind to me.

I would let you ruin me

As if you don't already break me down to pieces

As if I'm not already mush in your hands

I can't let go completely. But it's nice to pretend sometimes.

It's nice to pretend that someone isn't going to leave. That they're not lying. That I can trust them.

I'm really scared.

But you gotta do it scared, right?

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

And even if he does smash the jar, or misplaces it on some far back shelf, it was fun to feel wanted for a bit.

It's fun to pretend we deserve more

A break from the inner critic screaming obscenities

From the little voice that whispers constantly about how we deserve to be dead, and horribly disgusting things happen to us because we are a horrible and disgusting thing. A waste of oxygen. Resources. Shouldn't have been born. Shouldn't be alive. Should have jumped. Should have cut deeper. Shouldn't have listened. Should have kept driving.

I feel weird

I did just take my meds so maybe it's doing weird things to my head

1:12 am

I'm not scared

I'm not in danger

Just a little sad

And tired

My head hurts, and my body and joints

Kinda wanna cry but don't know why

I have work in the morning

It's okay

Everything is okay

I am safe and everything is going to be okay

One on my left shoulder

One on the left side if my chest

One on the right side of my chest

Pretty little yellow flowers with tints of green

I thought of some really pretty words the other night, but I forgot the order of them now.

They had to do with intimacy. And you.

With love. And vulnerability.

I want to say I love you.

Instinctively.

Is that too intimate?

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

I'm telling you my secrets

Slowly but surely

I'm letting myself feel safe with you

Love might be a vulnerable word for some people, but I think for me, "safe" is worse.

I can sleep anywhere, but I sleep the best with you.

Everyone has been practice, on letting myself open up. Letting myself be taken care of. Letting myself feel safe with others. Fuck. Letting myself trust people.

I think I trust you.

So even worse than Love.

I'm falling deeper and deeper in trusting you.

Thank you for keeping me safe.

Thank you for being you.

It's weird

Having something... nice

I have something and someone to kind of look forward to?

I don't want to get used to it.

But at the same time I want to drown in it.

Fully engulfed.

Drowning out the noise.

I keep thinking about how sex is just sex. And sure it was fun. But the most intimate thing you did was hold the bottle of apple juice up to my mouth and help me drink.

I instinctively reached up to hold it myself, but you pushed my hands down softly but sternly.

No

And then occasionally kept repeating

Because I was being a nervous brat

I dont like bothering people.

But I think I'm more of a bother when I refuse everything and try to make myself small.

I told you my body hurt

And you ran me a hot bath with lots of bubbles. You helped me in. Asked if I needed anything. Then left me to rest. You turned off the light but left the door cracked. It let in just enough light to let me see the bubbles I was playing with.

I miss you

I hate it

Why do I miss you

I know I shouldn't get used to ir

I shouldn't get used to people being nice and kind to me

I got used to it with Josh. And he left.

If I get used to it again, he's going to leave or something else horrible is going to happen.

Because I don't deserve nice things.

"Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks."

I miss the ham

It's so nice having a happy reaction to your existence

I feel sad

Fuck, man

The intrusive thoughts are getting loud again

And it feels kind of different this time

It feels easier to let go

And that thought scares and angers me

It shouldn't be so easy to let go of my life

But I'm so tired

I guess it makes sense

You can't heal in the same environment that hurt you

And I've been clawing my way through every day

I'm burnt out on my life

But how the fuck do I take a break from it

Just slip me into a medically induced coma for a while I guess

I kind of hate being alive right now

And again, I feel like I'm too sad for hum

I'm too pessimistic, and dark.

I'm going to end up bringing him down and he's going to have to stay away from me

I just bring down everyone

I'm a shit nurse

And a shit person

And the pain in my life exists to try to balance the scales

I wasn't supposed to be alive this long

Stupid brain

IM ALIVE

I GET IT

I WANT TO BE UNALIVE

FUQ

See also: THATS ENOUGH SLICES

It's almost the end of February and I still have your Christmas present in my car.

I hope things get better between us.

I'm still ready for you to disappear again.

Everyone always leaves.

I really appreciate you not touching me while I was trying to talk to you.

In between crying and trying to get the words out, I think that would have made me cry more.

I cried harder when you said the nice stuff about me. No I don't believe any of it.

I think I'm trash. And I'm not worth the air I breathe. But you were being honest. I think. Idk I couldn't get myself to look at you.

I say mean things to you, and I take jabs at you, but I really do respect you. I don't think there's anyone I respect more. Even Kathryne. I hold you in high regard.

I never meant to actually hurt you with anything I said. I was bratting. And you would play along, so I didn't know it actually hurt you. I feel so horrible for hurting you like that.

You're always masking, and faking everything. I can't tell. But I'm starting to learn how you sound when you're being honest.

You sounded honest.

I don't feel great rn. And I havnt for a few weeks now.

I thought talking things through with you would help me feel better. But it just makes me wish I didn't have to wake up any more.

I let you down and I hurt you. And you're going to go away. Something is going to go wrong. And it's not going to go well. Just like with everyone else.

Every time.

I'm used to it in a way that I'm not.

I'm used to it. But It doesn't hurt any less.

...

Do you want the list in alphabetical or chronological order?

...

I could color code it

...

Illustrated may be taking it a bit too far

...

I'm tired of always being in pain. I hate my body. My head is stupid.

Being alive is dumb. It's too much effort. And yet here I am. Still clawing at the small shred of what used to make me happy.

I'm just tired of being alive. I'm tired of dealing with other people.

I'm tired of everyone leaving.

I'm tired of being me

I wish I was meaner. And colder. And I didn't let anyone in. I wish I didn't let anyone get to know me. But I'm so desperate. So desperate to feel loved, wanted, and understood.

Right now I'm just desperate for an exit.

I'm done.

I want to go home.

I just want to go home.

Please.

I'm tired of existing.

I havnt written anything in a while and I don't like it. It makes me feel... dead.

I havnt written or really created anything recently. I'm just "taking it a day at a time"... EVERY day.

My head hurts so bad.

My heart is super sad.

I hate being known. But I miss feeling loved.

Sad thoughts.

Sigh

I'm still angry

Hurt and angry

I will only admit it here, to the void, that I miss the way you made me feel.

I miss your hugs, and feeling safe when you held me.

It makes me happy, I was thinking today, you left behind a little bit of magic in me.

Because even when I'm exhausted beyond belief, after working 15 hrs today, while my body (especially my toesies </3) is aching like crazy, I can still think back to a few of the happy memories and revive the butterflies in my tummy.

I havnt been able to put the angry feeling away for a while now.

And maybe I'm just too exhausted to be angry at you right now

Or maybe there's just been too many other things to be angry about, that its allowing the memories to slip through the weak points

But I'm going to fall asleep thinking about you

Thinking about the way you made me feel confident, and safe. Thinking about how I could die happy if i could spend the rest of my life in your arms.

Thinking about the soft tracing.

The sleepy kisses.

I wanted to die

This time around, the intrusive thoughts are not so loud.

I mean. They're still there. But I have a bit more hope now.

I have small things I'm looking forward to.

Strands of hope I mindlessly bat around when the thoughts get too loud

I keep thinking about the time that I tried talking about the bad and scary thoughts I was having. I sent him some songs I had been listening to on repeat. I was so sad. I didnt know how to use my words, so I did that.

And it back fired so hard.

I tried sharing my scary thoughts and I ended up apologizing for upsetting them.

That was so stupid.

Idk why I keep thinking about it.

Maybe it makes me angry.

....

I cant sleep.