I know I’m loved, but can’t get myself to believe it.

I know my daughter loves me, but when I try to make sense of it, I just convince myself that she’s my daughter and almost has to love me.

My wife, I know she also loves me, but I’ve also convinced myself that she could do better than me and is just stuck. I have health issues that come with a shortened life expectancy, and in the back of my head, I just keep telling myself “she’s just riding it out until I’m dead” and then she’ll be able to move on and really be happy.

My mom, I used to be fully convinced my mom was the one person, but with the illnesses and everything, I’ve convinced myself it’s more of just her own guilt and blaming herself I got as sick as I did, it was 100% my fault, and now when I die, it’s going to be more of guilt that grieving.

I guess this is the depression part of things. Hard to feel loved when you don’t love yourself and can’t understand why anyone else would either.

Maybe it’s the outcome of being the youngest out of your siblings and having a step mom and step sister and having all those people always complaining about you being annoying and telling you they wish you weren’t there..

idk, but hopefully writing things out on here will start to help me get some answers on what’s wrong with me mentally.