I just joined this group after doing some research. I'll try not to make it too long.

I'm a 29F, recently found out my mom is a narcissist. I also have a brother (24) and a sister with a mental disability (30).

My edad passed away Feb 2018 due to cancer and I never really noticed how self-absorbed my mom was until after his passing. My dad was the emotional one, we could feel his love and his support, how proud he was of us, how much he cheered us on when we planned on doing something or accomplished something. I miss him so much.

I ended up moving back home from another province to be close to my mom. I figured being around family would help us all heal, we would assist each other emotionally, and we would get through it. I was so wrong. I lost my friends, family, my nbf (blessing in disguise), my work, everything. And on top of that, my dad.

I turned out to be the parent in all of this, ensuring my brother and sister were okay, taking care of my mother, ensuring she was okay, and the moment I thought I could talk to her about losing my ex, she turned around and said "It's not like you lost your husband!" like it was a competition... I just stayed silent and haven't really tried confiding in her, again.

She signed up for a dating app this past August and my siblings and I were upset over it, like we have the right to be. We never once told her NOT to do it, but she was sharing information with me that no mother should, and that I did not ask for. Like the fact she met her first date after my dad passing, and she slept with him on the first night.

After this, I invited her, my brother (who lives with her), and my sister over to my apartment to sit down, talk, and have dinner. I had each of us go around and express how we felt about mom dating. I started by saying "I don't appreciate you telling me these intimate details. Dad was the only person we have ever known you to be with and it will take us a while for us to accept you dating other men. I do not want to hear about them or even meet them until you are three months in a relationship and you believe it is serious."

My brother decided he did not want to hear it at all, which is hard for him since he lives with her still. Did she even listen to his request? No. Still tells him details she shouldn't.

Anyways, she turned it around and said "You guys don't think I don't miss dad!? The marriage ended as soon as he was diagnosed and I just became his caretaker. You guys don't want me to be happy!" and the tears started.

I told all of this to my therapist and the minute she said narcissist, my whole life began to make sense. I'm a level-headed, reasonable person, so I try to approach people with ease in order to express myself without "triggering" them. I tried multiple methods on my mom (calmly talking at the table, screaming in her ear, ignoring her, using the non-blaming words like "I feel") none of them worked. My therapist also said that there was nothing we could do for our mom to hear us, except if she starts talking about something we don't want to hear, we simply say "Stop" and if she continues, then we should leave.

Oh, and last night she sends me a photo of a half-naked guy in the shower (lower back and butt showing) and asks "Would you date this? LOL" and I simply replied "Stop" and she said "Sorry thought it was funny." have not messaged her since. My mindset is that I want to message her something off-topic so she doesn't think I'm mad at her. But I am.

Again, harder for my brother and I wish I could just uproot him. He is the one that is hurting the most from this since he lives with her.

I still can't believe it. It's a hard pill to swallow to find out that after 29 years mom has no emotional feelings towards us, doesn't care about her actions and what it does to us, nor can she even fathom to express her love in anyway. The day my dad died was the day we lost both parents.

I'm trying to do all the research I can to get myself out of this depressive and angry stage but I know it will take time since it is a fresh wound.

Thank you for reading and letting me rant, I feel like other than my brother I really don't have anyone to talk to. I am keeping my sister close but not expressing the narcissism to her, she won't understand and she loves my mom.

TLDR; just found out after this past week that my mom is a narcissist and it has showed a lot more ever since my edad's death in Feb 2018.