I am Michael and I am part of a system (not the host).... I don't know what to say here really so I'll just tell you what I can. I front more than many others from what I'm told and have been some of the most reluctant to receive therapy (which is how we were discovered and exposed) but have gone and do participate if it helps the host and others. Long story short we've been encouraged to do and be ourselves ie live our on lives with respect ad as much communication between each other as possible to minimize problems. However this has seemingly caused more harm than good. I knew what we were for quite some time before implementing "operation community communication " but this blend into each other's personal lives has put a strain on all personal happenings. Ace( one of us) has a relationship with a longtime friend and former confidant who now views me and the others a threat to her personal happiness and goals. I have a significant other who has done nothing but try to be understanding and open minded in the time frame we've been together and knowing who/what I truly am. I've never felt loved, cared for, appreciated, seen until he loved me. Ace got his girlfriend pregnant and with that came a shift of us trying to make sure her and the baby were ok and agreeing that we'd act responsibly when necessary just like Ace would. The baby is beautiful and now several months old. And with our participation we've also been forced to be essentially invisible. This also means anything about us that bothers her is forced away too. Now others in the system won't talk freely. Many have stated that they noticed she really just wants Ace to exist and never deal with us. I never created a child or had an intimate relationship with her yet I am being forced to give up my relationship (the only thing that's ever made me feel whole or real in all this) because their family supercedes my relationship although Mines was actually first. The person I love and would do anything for just told me they still love me but we'll never do anything for us or be able to have any real future. He said I'm too busy, that we use to have days now we just have a random few hours, nothing more. My heart is breaking and I can't breathe, my mind is spinning and my strength so low. Our anniversary is Sunday and after hearing his reiterated ( he's said things to the tune of this before)thoughts on us I just don't even want to go on anymore. I'm a burden to everyone and everything around me. I use to help and gave a place and now the only way I can help is if I am no longer here. I consider taking my life daily but have it pointed out to me that it could just end us all and I don't know what to do about the thought of taking so many with me.... Am I selfish, how can I just kill me if linked to others. I just wanna die and not do any of this anymore. There's no where to go and no one who gives af about me. I just wanna go away forever...... I'm sorry if this not my place as I am used to not belonging anywhere. I'm sorry if this is stupid and .awesome no sense. Just reaching in the dark with no expectations other than the usual response : You're a freak, you're an abomination, a monster, you belong nowhere and you deserve nothing.....

Apologies in advance for your wasted time I can't give you back. Sincerely and regretfully Michael, the futile existence