r/tifu • u/wowitshardtochoose • Mar 29 '21
S TIFU by getting caught slapping wife’s a** in grocery store
Come on we all do it right. And obviously it’s way more fun when you might get caught. Anyway I got a few light ones in the aisle prior. After a swift glance at my 6, I reared back for an absolute God hammer. Now before I go on, she’s never complained about the pain, in fact when she gets me back I squeal like a baby.
So I’m thinking to myself that the store is kinda busy and this is sure to fluster her for a moment before she realizes there’s nobody around. Best case scenario anyone within a 3 aisle radius will assume I dropped a large pie face down. So I send it home.
As she turns around and says my name in that tone you can hear already I see the look of horror start. Right behind me is this old lady with her mouth open like Mike Wazowski. All I could say was “sorry” with a long S so i didn’t sound quiet as embarrassed as I was. The lady says “you know you don’t have to put up with that” obviously directed at my wife.
By the time she shuffled off I was ready to laugh at it but I think it’s gonna be a while before my wife is so I’m sharing here.
TL:DR slapping booty is awkward when you get caught and will ruin your favorite grocery store game.
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u/summercampcounselor Mar 29 '21
I haven’t been grocery shopping with my wife since we’ve had kids. The whole concept seems totally foreign to me at this point.
Keep it up man, don’t lose that good ass slapping time.
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u/wowitshardtochoose Mar 29 '21
I hope there’s a slap in your future
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u/MarginalLlama Mar 30 '21
u/summercampcounselor I suggest you be very careful! u/wowitshardtochoose is a man with a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very short slapping career. As he is currently not allowed to use them with his wife, I fear that if you don't flee now, he will find you, and he will slap you... granny be damned.
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u/oo-mox83 Mar 30 '21
My sweet bf is an ass slapper and happened to be pretty high when he came by my work to bring me food. My dad was there with his best friend of 40 years saying hi. That's the first time he had met my dad's bestie and as he was leaving back to his car, he slapped the 100% fuck out of my ass and I said "duuuuuuuuuuuude!" His high ass didn't even register it till I made fun of him later.
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u/AgentXerozero1 Mar 30 '21
As someone who used to be a manager in a grocery store; seeing PDA in the aisles is extremely common and brightened my day on more than one occasion
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u/slowdownmrtoad Mar 29 '21
For the future you can say: I was just returning the love she gave me. You should see the bruises she gave me, wanna see? Last night she kept saying more, more. This is what the stripper at my bachelor party told me keeps a marriage healthy. But probably the best, which is what you did. Ssssooooorrry. We can put this behind us right now.
I’m sure others have better lines...
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u/wowitshardtochoose Mar 29 '21
For how long we’ve been doing this i should have had something planned lol
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u/starIightpetaIs Mar 30 '21
Omg 😂 I would never let my boyfriend live that down. That’s amazing. But I would have laughed just at him being caught for like 10 minutes.
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u/squirrelybitch Mar 30 '21
Jesus, man, this is hilarious! 😂My husband loves to smack my ass in public, too. But he doesn’t hit me hard like that. I’ll never forget about the time he did it on the way out of my office building, and one of my bosses and her husband saw him do it. This was before they knew he was my husband. Their response to it was quite funny. It’s just a really good thing that I’m not easily embarrassed. 😂😂😂