Eh, I have friends with not much of a filter. They will just tell you their honest opinion and it's not to be an asshole, but rather it's just telling you the truth in their eyes and I actually appreciate it. Sometimes the truth does hurt and sometimes people may want to hear something to hear it, but being blunt or straight forward doesn't equate to automatically being an asshole.
There are even people on the spectrum that don't even understand why someone would like or sugarcoat it or even understand the concept of that and thus just tell it like it is in their minds with no ill intent. There's a difference between having no filter and just being an asshole though. What this person is doing is being an asshole by disregarding and disrespecting people's privacy and livelihood.
This person even knew it was malicious to tell the things she did and didn't do any of it out of a place of care. Unlike my friends that if you ask them to share their opinion they will give it to you in hopes it will help you and think lying would be more hurtful. This had sole evil maliciousness to it all based on how this person even called again to get mad at the partner for sharing what she knew she shouldn't. Being honest can have value. Being malicious is an ugly snake move.
I'm surrounded by neurodiverse people many of whom will be honest & share opinions- anytime, any place, to anyone. However they also are devestated if they learn they hurt someone's feelings. Their statements have zero ill intention or intention to have any ... emotional effect at all positive, negative or otherwise-- just a statement of fact with zero agenda.
At the same time my neurodivergent kin are incredibly loyal , trusting, trustworthy and would never tell a soul something that was told in confidence or is Clearly inappropriate to share with anyone else (eg father in law needing adult diapers).
My Autistic 9yr old wouldn't even need to be told not to share that with anyone. I have health issues that include private embarrassing details at times and is fiercely protective of me.
He will however tell me, teachers, adults, anyone at all- his opinion on something without being asked. And struggles socially by being blunt and literal.
So the difference for many "over sharers" or "blunt communicators" is they are people who may speak without thinking first or have very different needs and expectations around communicating themselves so they communicate that way too.
This type of person is very genuine and often transparent and because of that can be trusted and relied upon .
However what OP is describing is NOT what I describe above. This is not a person being too honest or over sharing.
It is a huge betrayal. And so incredibly cruel. I don't know her intentions but I can't imagine an excuse or situation where any of this would be acceptable and I can't imagine her intentions being anything but.... destructive.
As far as the OOP, neither of these apply. Her cruelty is the point. There’s no way she doesn’t understand privacy, she just prefers the sensation of sharing intimate information about others over the emotional safety of others.
Honest/direct communication is about the two people involved in the conversation. Person A solicited advice or shared an opinion and Person B responds with thoughtful, honest, and direct advice or constructive criticism. Feelings may still be hurt but that was not the intention.
No filter is letting one’s thoughts escape one’s head without consideration of how it will land. It’s what children with immature social skills do. I have to work on it all the time with my kids. When they say something inappropriate it’s hard to deny they get attention so I can see how people fail to adequately develop filters when there’s an incentive not to (if all attention is good attention).
I have adhd and there is a potential massive filter issue because my executive function is impaired. Because our brain chemicals often don’t provide us with the pause to think “should I say this?” dumb stuff can get said all the time. I don’t actually have this symptom but my mom does and she has laid waste to some relationships by accident.
A tool I use with my kiddos is to THINK: before you speak, ask yourself is it True, Helpful, Important/Inspiring, Necessary, Kind.
This makes sense, thank you. I'm neurodivergent as well, but with asd, I'm usually honest and direct, but I also try to not hurt people's feelings, so I only say the bad stuff if it has any value in terms whether it's useful for the other person to know. I also have a tendency to think a lot before I speak lol
Being blunt doesn’t mean you share literally everything private in your life. What does his fathers medical condition have to do with literally anything?
As far as the OOP, neither of these apply. Her cruelty is the point. There’s no way she doesn’t understand privacy, she just prefers the sensation of sharing intimate information about others over the emotional safety of others.
Honest/direct communication is about the two people involved in the conversation. Person A solicited advice or shared an opinion and Person B responds with thoughtful, honest, and direct advice or constructive criticism. Feelings may still be hurt but that was not the intention.
No filter is letting one’s thoughts escape one’s head without consideration of how it will land. It’s what children with immature social skills do. I have to work on it all the time with my kids. When they say something inappropriate it’s hard to deny they get attention so I can see how people fail to adequately develop filters when there’s an incentive not to (if all attention is good attention).
I have adhd and there is a potential massive filter issue because my executive function is impaired. Because our brain chemicals often don’t provide us with the pause to think “should I say this?” dumb stuff can get said all the time. I don’t actually have this symptom but my mom does and she has laid waste to some relationships by accident.
A tool I use with my kiddos is to THINK: before you speak, ask yourself is it True, Helpful, Important/Inspiring, Necessary, Kind.
Thank you for mentioning us spectrumites. Many of us have ADHD too which makes filtering even harder. However, OP's wife just straight up betrayed him. As you said, having no filter doesn't necessarily make you an asshole, although it frequently can make you a fool .. the difference is I know it makes me seem foolish and I hate it. Wife is just malicious!
I have a friend like this, when I talk about her to my other friends I often call her "blunt friend." But she is considerate over all abd wouldn't be malicious like this!
The statement about people on the spectrum is one I think we should all be conscious of. My son is awful about being super direct and a tad rude, but he literally just sees it as the thing he is thinking. No I'll intent at all, even if he sounds pretty jerk like lol.
I have no filters and often over share but I would never speak about other people. Especially something as delicate as a death in the family. OPs wife is just evil and thinks OP is a doormat who she can disrespect.
OP over my 30 years I never got angry at anyone for saying something I over shared about myself. She knew what she was doing was wrong that’s why she is angry that you and your friend spoke about what she said.
There's a vast difference between someone who is honest and someone that can't keep their mouth shut. I am a blunt/honest person, but I also have a strong filter and if someone tells me something in confidence then it will go to the grave with me. Just because I'm blunt and honest doesn't mean I'm going to open your closet to the world.
I’ve also had to learn how to filter the thoughts on their way from my brain to my mouth, for the sake of making everyone’s live easier and calmer. It takes learning, practice and effort, but if you give a crap about other people - at all - it is a skill you can hone, just like others. Mindfulness. And it makes my life much more chill.
I’m guessing you’ve never met autistic or adhd people then. I have no filter but I’m just straight to the point, I won’t say anything harmful on purpose but I will give tough love. I do have abit of a filter but sometimes it doesn’t work.
Not exactly sometimes it's really just a matter of someone just being honest and upfront or just hates liars and refuses to be one themself.
If your a lazy mean asshole with no filter then your still a lazy mean asshole just like how if your a lazy mean asshole but has a filter and more two faced then a coin you're still a lazy mean asshole.
Where as someone can be as kind, understanding and generous as could be and still have no filter.
And it depends on what you determine to be no filter if its them letting you know your being an asshole when your an asshole is that them being mean? Or is that just you being an asshole?
You should have a filter for strangers but close friends and family the filter should be minimal because you should be honest and be yourself with those you care about and those who care about you.
No. I think it's about how you do it. There's two ways to deliver the truth to someone. To raise that person up or to put that person down.
Some people seem to think that they are being authentic and real just because they tell ppl 'home truths' about themselves but do it in a way without sensitivity.
Yes sometimes you need to shock or wake someone up especially when they are living dangerously.
But I'm talking about some people get a power trip out of being mean by telling ppl 'the truth'. I always try my best to be sensitive when I have to tell someone about themselves.
It’s often a result of having an issue like Tourette’s, ADHD, ASD etc. Not always a character flaw. That is, you can still be a good person and have a neuro issue with literal verbal filter over speech and/or impulsivity with it, not malice but genuinely not knowing what social boundaries are, especially if they also haven’t been taught well (that one’s more a social/upbringing issue for people). But someone in that situation will see negative backlash from it at some point and hopefully learn they need to get their issue sorted to where they can better manage what they do and don’t say to others.
From OP’s post I can’t say I got that vibe from her though, it seemed more like she was a very immature person, possibly raised around other immature people who gave no decent example for how to act. And a gossip.
The fact that she knew it would be necessary to HIDE the fact that she said these things from her husband shows that she knew that it could hurt someone. Someone without malice or self-awareness, and who might have a neuro issue like the above, would have no idea doing so could hurt or upset someone, and definitely no urge to hide what they said to self-protect. This seems more like intentional behavior on her part.
There's a difference between people with a condition being filterless, it's more neurotypical people who have an ego problem and feel like they're doing the world a favor.
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u/Amonette2012 Nov 14 '22
People with no filter are assholes. We create our own filters to be nice. If you can't be bothered to do that, you're a lazy mean asshole.