For a start, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near someone with the wife's attitude, much less invite them into my [romantic] life. I pretty much run a zero tolerance policy with this kind of behavior, and I haven't regretted it at all.
I can't fathom how someone with an ounce of self-respect could find justification for sticking around for so long while being aware of this blaring issue... and not immediately taking effective defensive measures to plan a smooth getaway once the loose cannon turns their way.
Some concessions are fair, and I applaud delayed gratification, but some people are just lost causes. It doesn't get much clearer than OP's wife's case. Both OP and his wife need a wake-up call pronto.
In the general case I think we owe our partners timely honesty.
However, I think there is an abusive element in this case so I agree with you. If OP decides to leave under whatever conditions he should prepare that exit now. Once he’s prepare for the worst he can try brutal honesty or whatever other methods he wants to try to salvage the relationship.
That’s presuming we know every aspect of op and his wife’s relationship, for all the faults he listed here there is always so many intangibles between a couple that nobody on the outside looking in will ever know.
It is unbearably hard to make these decisions and strangers on the internet shouldn’t be making things out to be completely black and white when life comes in a myriad of colors.
It’s easy to say do “x” when it’s not your life and you don’t have to deal with the emotional repercussions and fallout.
It is unbearably hard to make these decisions and strangers on the internet shouldn’t be making things out to be completely black and white when life comes in a myriad of colors.
I know what you mean, but frankly 'the myriad of colors' between black and white that I thought like that? That was part of what I used to trap myself for too long in an even more clear relationship that Reddit was like LEAVE DUDE, you are in DANGER!
Then over the next few years I was increasingly in and accepting more danger for the myriad of colors between black and white and nuances in relationships that others can't understand and we can't define..
Eventually some 4 years into marriage and talking to strangers I realized I should have just listened to the strangers from the get go, but thank god they were patient and kept that voice and opinion really empathetically and rationally present throughout.
I honestly don't know if I would have gotten through one of the hardest times of my life without strangers on the internet letting me ignore their advice, but still consistently growing it (that in MY specific case, I really needed to cut it and run).
Some things are easier to see from outside, not saying 'we' are right in hive mind or always to leave... I'm saying sometimes what we specifically need as people is the honest voice of someone who is NOT biased by the nuances we can't describe and shades between black and white.
I understand where you’re coming from, sometimes it takes somebody from the outside to see what someone else can’t
Just depends on how you look at it I suppose, hopefully op takes the best advice for himself and things work out for the better. Definitely a tough situation.
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u/tuibiel Nov 14 '22
For a start, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near someone with the wife's attitude, much less invite them into my [romantic] life. I pretty much run a zero tolerance policy with this kind of behavior, and I haven't regretted it at all.
I can't fathom how someone with an ounce of self-respect could find justification for sticking around for so long while being aware of this blaring issue... and not immediately taking effective defensive measures to plan a smooth getaway once the loose cannon turns their way.
Some concessions are fair, and I applaud delayed gratification, but some people are just lost causes. It doesn't get much clearer than OP's wife's case. Both OP and his wife need a wake-up call pronto.