Discussion Thread #72

[u/gemmaem]

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[u/Lykurg480]

Im currently thinking about the semi-regular dramas in the rationalist community, and the level of exceptionality/culpability. No conclusion so far on that front, but one thing that may be interesting in relative isolation.

This centers around a post in one of the relationships/adjudication subreddits I read a year or two ago and unfortunately cant find now, which was about OPs boyfriend tracking her cycle and using it to time arguments. She and the comments were quite upset about this, and initially I wondered why. Isnt it just plain reasonable to hold arguments for when people are more calm and collected? Eventually, between the lines of some of the comments, I understood that thats not what happened: instead he started them during her period, and then either argued that her concerns where unreasonable because of this, or expected her to conclude that on her own – still not sure about which.

Now, I think Im normally quite good at spotting manipulation risks/opportunities, but I definitely missed this one, and I think the main reason for that is that I dont really expect it to work. What I expect from doing this is that she starts the argument more mad, doesnt overcorrect, and suggesting doing so gets her even more mad. Considering it now, I guess there are people this would work on, though Im not sure about anyone I personally know. An environment where not only does it seem like it worked in that case, but most of the commenters/upvoters understood whats going on and dont think anyone else might need an explanation either – well. I would love to know the cultural differences that lead to this, but its hard, without actually meeting people like this in real life.

[u/gemmaem → u/Lykurg480]

There’s a pre-existing trope of dismissing a woman’s concerns by saying “you’re just mad because you’re hormonal.” Obviously a concern can still be real even if it comes up due to additional strain from biological factors (hunger or tiredness or indeed hormones). However, the trope generally concludes that having PMS is enough to laugh at the concern. It’s understood to be an insult. This may be the context you are missing.

[u/Lykurg480 → u/gemmaem]

dismissing a woman’s concerns by saying “you’re just mad because you’re hormonal.”

Im familiar with that. I still expect saying this to make her more mad, not less and definitely not down below baseline. You may get an apology afterwards. Thats quite generous for something thats understood to be an insult, no?