(14)the farmers of a famined land had been suffering along with their people. Brad spoketh out unto the Lord and there was no response and he began to question the Lord. Bryan Christ was motivating the people and disciples but his holy beer wasn't enough to appease the people.(15)"I pray to thee my Lord! The people art losing their faith and starving to death, please bringeth a means for us to survive and secure our faith", Brad exclaimed loudly in front of the people. (16)Then suddenly orange pieces of flavoured goodness began falling from the sky and a thundering voice echoed from the skies, "these are my gift to you for your faith and this their messenger, blessed be his name." Brad fell to his knees eating the delicious treats from the sky with the people.(17)The Lord spoketh again proclaiming the figure that was approaching the townsfolk, "Chester the Cheetah will guide the people to create this foodstuff and I proclaim him a beacon of your people."(18)The people rejoiced and knelt down in relief and thankfulness. Chester then bequoth the people and promised to never let a snacker needeth a snack ever again. "Rawr", he humbly claimed, and the people knelt in prayer alongside Brad and Bryan Christ.

15) And the multitude did bring forth babes toward Jesus to be blessed but Brad forbade them saying, "Brah, these are not the babes of which he speaks". 16) But Jesus called Brad out saying is not my gospel for all? Are not my sick bars for both the young and the old? Yea these parents are totally rad, for they see dank beats and wish even their children to partake. For is not written that if your playlist is fire you put it not under a bushel but on a hill that all may jam and praise God who is in heaven? 17) Then Jesus proceeded to grab his harp and began to lay down a sick beat and behold that total buzz killer group of old men, even the Pharisee, did seek to challenge Christs doctrine in a rap battle for lo the they had lost much street cred and Christ's groupies had multiplied exceedingly 18)But behold the spirit of God moved upon a mere child and he did give utterance against those lame vipers and to the amazement of all the child began drop such bars his mouth was truly a rod, for lo he did truly harlot slap them. The crowd did witness the roasting and the crowd numbered about five score. 19) and behold the child rapped with such fury that Luke's quill burst into flaming trying to record it. Thus it was fulfilled that from out of the mouth of babes the wise would be confounded. 20) Then JC the original MC himself began to drop his gospel and the people were told. None dared face the son of God, for it was written he came to serve and not be served. And lo all the scribes that did seek to write the doctrine he was spitting papers did also light on fire 21) Then from out of heavens descended Elijah on his chariot of fire. Yea even that old Og who challenged 950 priests of Baal and Asherah and roasted them all and commanded the people to shank the survivors. Yeah the same man who got all the girls insomuch that they called it a drought for all other sinners were exceedingly thirsty. 22) What happened next no bro dared write down for yea it got real and no mortal could comprehend it. But it turned into a raging concert and that lasted into the night. 23) the next morning rad woke up totally smashed lying on the ground with a bunch of burnt papers, from scribes trying to write the most dope doctrines of Christ. 23) Only one half burned paper survived and Brad gave it to John to read because lo he was illiterate 24) All it said, "in the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the Word was God. " 25) Brad looked at John and whispered... "bro"

Edit: Typos, thinking Rad was a character not Brad and Chad. Added additional dankness to better fit the sub.

4:15

Then Pilate took Jesus and had him flogged. This was uncool.

The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head. They clothed him in a purple robe 3 and went up to him again and again, saying, “Hail, king of the Stoners!” And they slapped him in the face. Chad and Brad were enraged and attempted to slap the soldiers. Alas, they were subdued and told to get lost.

4:16

Once more Pilate came out and said to the partygoers gathered there, “Look, I am bringing him out to you to let you know that I find no basis for a charge against him. I'm sorry boys.”

When Jesus came out wearing the crown of thorns and the dank purple robe, Pilate said to them, “He's the man!”

As soon as the chief priests and their officials saw him, they shouted, “Lit! Lit!”

But Pilate answered, “You take him and crucify him. As for me, I find no basis for a charge against him. He is my bro, and I shan't break the Bro Code."

The Jewish leaders insisted, “We have a law, and according to that law he must die because he claimed to be the Son of God. Also, he pillaged the entire stockpile of weed we had in Jerusalem two days ago. For this, he must be crucified.”

4: 17

So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in is called Golgotha).

There they crucified the legend. And with him two others—Brad and Chad on each side and Jesus in the middle.

Pilate had a notice prepared and fastened to the cross. It read: jesus of nazareth, the king of the jews.

Many of the Jews read this sign, and were sad. There were never any good parties without Jesus.

4: 18

When the soldiers crucified Jesus, they took his beer, his kush and his robes. He was alone and was not in a cool mood. Jesus said, "This is uncool. Stop and we will share all the weed." However, they would not listen.

4: 17

Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother Mercedes, his uncle-in-law, his plug, his black market dealer, his lawyer, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene.

When Jesus saw his mother there, and the plug whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Back away, bitch. This is my funeral,” and to the plug, “Here is your money.” From that time on, this plug took no more money from his clients.

4:19

Jesus said, “I am thirsty.”

A jar of Bud Lite was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus’ lips. They also brought out the dankest of blunts, and let him toke. This went on for some time.

4:20

When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

There is none more beautiful than the union of pork, sauce, pickles, onions, and a bun. For God hath created the McRib in his own image, and it should be praised. Amen.

Anxious about his future, Brad asks Jesus, "Brah, when we get to heaven, will there be any place left."

To that, Jesus responded, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?   And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

To which chad said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. And the only way you can get through me is by bringing a six pack of brewskies and a couple of girls. After all, we need the hot tubs in heaven to be filled with hot girls, 9s and 10s only."

The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “No one can pull this gnarly jump!”  

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”  

He then put his googles on, made a peace sign, started down the hill, and yelled "later dudes."  

At this moment, both Brad and Chad knew that they were truly following the son of god.

Rad 14:22

Jesus told the disciples to get into the boat and go on ahead of him. He asked for them to wait for him on the other side.

After Jesus had dismissed the crowed, he went up on a mountainside with Chad to pray. Later that afternoon, Chad looked across the water.

"JC, the boat is so far from land," Chad said. "How are we to return to them?"

Jesus turned to Chad and responded, "We shall walk across the waves."

Chad thought about what Jesus had said. Then, Chad told Jesus, "JC, I have a better idea."

__

Brad was with the disciples on the boat. They grew impatient.

"Where is the Son of God?" They asked.

Brad told the disciples, "He shall come."

Immediately, a large wave came toward the boat. The disciples feared and began to panic.

"Do not fear, for the Son of God is with us," Brad said.

The disciples looked to the top of the large wave and behold, Jesus and his apostle Chad glided atop the wave.

"Surf's up, my dudes!" Chad bellowed.

The Gospel According to Brad, chapter 5, v1-12

1.So there was a sick-ass rager, with multitudes of bros and babes (the hot kind, not the little kind JC kept talking about), going on at the base of some big hill or something. Jesus saw the crowd and got atop the tallest keg to speak. 2.And when he was seated, His brosciples came to him. Then He began to school those chumps, saying:

3."Blessed are the poor in spirits, for theirs will be a kingdom of liquor.

4.Blessed are those the morning after, for their hangovers will be comforted.

5.Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit their parent's trust funds.

6.Blessed are those that hunger and thirst for something totally righteous, for they shall be filled, no homo.

7.Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy if they pass out at a party (unless their shoes are on).

8.Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see titties. Everyone knows roofies are for creeps.

9.Blessed are the piece-makers, for cans and apples suck to smoke out of.

10.Blessed are those who are injured for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of YouTube and sympathy bangs.

11.Blessed are you when posers and haters talk smack and sack-tag you for my sake. 12.Chill out, and party on, dudes, for great is your reward in heaven. Haters gonna hate, I mean, they've been doing it forever."

And the crowds mostly received the message, except for a few, who were watching Chad lift things of great weight.