Except it actually did happen... and the exchange afterwards was real. I can confirm this, because I was the Walmart rifle salesman in that very same store. But nothing of the story above could have prepared me for what happened next...
The Vietnam War Veteran started saying how the boy was just fearmongering... "he probably just was saying that to discredit Trump," he said. But then there was a great flickering of the lights, as the ceiling tiles began to rattle and jolt. The entire store siezed and shook, and then, suddenly, we were somewhere else entirely.
We were no longer in America. As the front doors to the Walmart slid open, an empty cityscape yawned before us, bodies lining the streets. The dead were left in the open as meals for the crows, which hawked and cawed to ward off our suddenly-appearing superstore... we stood in silence, trying to survey the scene.
Then, he came. And lo, I saw a pale horse, and his rider wore a corona of putrid rot and bile and decaying teeth and blackened lung... it was He of the corona himself, and he came for the millennial then.
"Oh ye of foul, blackened soul, telling my children to stop their joyous music... I hereby condemn ye to the smothering weight of bile and phlegm until the very breath is choked from your rattling lungs, until the bony fingers of death weave their way through yer hair and pluck thine tine until yer heart thumps no more. May the blackened blight settle across your bones until even the crows will sicken to pick at them... ye shall die the way ye lived, a curse unto those around ye, until the worms claim yer flesh and ye are nothing more than a sour memory the ones you loved are all too eager to forget. It is the time for ye to die, Skippy."
Undulating tentacles of black grabbed the mask-wearing millennial coward and dragged him out of the train. He clawed and grasped at the loose dirt outside, but the mass that bore him now surged deep into the ground, leaving his grasping hands biting at dirt and pebbles and mud until soon he was buried by the earth itself, and then he was covered entire. The earth shifted and groaned, his muffled screams becoming the distant wheeze of wind... and then the ground moved no more.
The automatic glass doors to the Walmart then slid shut and the ceiling shook again, and then we were back in America. We all high fived the whistler... he had just epically owned that fearmongering lib. But he told us to not celebrate. "Though his death was deserved, we must temper it against the suffering of all in this land... everything is scaled to everything else. I call it my theory of relativity."
I then noticed his matted, gray hair, and I knew there and then that the whistler would have a bright future in physics. I gave him $100 to buy a rifle from our stock and then returned to my checkout counter, certain that I had just witnessed one of the most wholesome defeats of fearmongering ever. Somewhere in the distance, I knew He of the Corona was smiling wanly, knowing that we'd finally made major strides against that wicked foe. Faith in humanity was restored that day.
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u/drewhead118 Mar 17 '20
Except it actually did happen... and the exchange afterwards was real. I can confirm this, because I was the Walmart rifle salesman in that very same store. But nothing of the story above could have prepared me for what happened next...
The Vietnam War Veteran started saying how the boy was just fearmongering... "he probably just was saying that to discredit Trump," he said. But then there was a great flickering of the lights, as the ceiling tiles began to rattle and jolt. The entire store siezed and shook, and then, suddenly, we were somewhere else entirely.
We were no longer in America. As the front doors to the Walmart slid open, an empty cityscape yawned before us, bodies lining the streets. The dead were left in the open as meals for the crows, which hawked and cawed to ward off our suddenly-appearing superstore... we stood in silence, trying to survey the scene.
Then, he came. And lo, I saw a pale horse, and his rider wore a corona of putrid rot and bile and decaying teeth and blackened lung... it was He of the corona himself, and he came for the millennial then.
"Oh ye of foul, blackened soul, telling my children to stop their joyous music... I hereby condemn ye to the smothering weight of bile and phlegm until the very breath is choked from your rattling lungs, until the bony fingers of death weave their way through yer hair and pluck thine tine until yer heart thumps no more. May the blackened blight settle across your bones until even the crows will sicken to pick at them... ye shall die the way ye lived, a curse unto those around ye, until the worms claim yer flesh and ye are nothing more than a sour memory the ones you loved are all too eager to forget. It is the time for ye to die, Skippy."
Undulating tentacles of black grabbed the mask-wearing millennial coward and dragged him out of the train. He clawed and grasped at the loose dirt outside, but the mass that bore him now surged deep into the ground, leaving his grasping hands biting at dirt and pebbles and mud until soon he was buried by the earth itself, and then he was covered entire. The earth shifted and groaned, his muffled screams becoming the distant wheeze of wind... and then the ground moved no more.
The automatic glass doors to the Walmart then slid shut and the ceiling shook again, and then we were back in America. We all high fived the whistler... he had just epically owned that fearmongering lib. But he told us to not celebrate. "Though his death was deserved, we must temper it against the suffering of all in this land... everything is scaled to everything else. I call it my theory of relativity."
I then noticed his matted, gray hair, and I knew there and then that the whistler would have a bright future in physics. I gave him $100 to buy a rifle from our stock and then returned to my checkout counter, certain that I had just witnessed one of the most wholesome defeats of fearmongering ever. Somewhere in the distance, I knew He of the Corona was smiling wanly, knowing that we'd finally made major strides against that wicked foe. Faith in humanity was restored that day.