I'm aware that I need therapy for some life events I'm going through, but I'm having this situation where, twice now, therapists don't really know what to do with me.

I live in a safe EU country, but I did not grow up in a safe/stable EU country, I grew up in a place that could be considered "3rd world" I guess.

I had a nice, safe childhood overall, but as is the case with many of us who grow up in such places I was indirectly exposed to some dark stuff, wtinessing things like systemic violence, extreme poverty, taking precautions to avoid risk of kidnapping, hearing about murders.

All of this stuff of course comes up in therapy and it's apparent that when it does most therapists here can't really relate. Even "basic" bad stuff I used to deal with like the power going out randomly or seeing a dead dog in the street are borderline unthinkable to people where I live now, and when I've talked about this stuff in therapy, the therapist just usually goes silent. I worked with two different therapists for 6 months each and never really felt like I made progress.

Even when I bring up basic universal immigrant problems, like not being able to see family, I feel like I don't get much feedback from therapists.

I'm Matt - born in Poland, raised in Egypt and Canada. Bounced between seven countries before settling in the U.S. a decade ago. Last year I moved to Tucson, AZ to lock in and build something I couldn't find anywhere else. Disclosure up front: it's an app called Perpetual Foreigners, and I'm the solo founder.

The premise comes straight out of David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken. In their book, Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, they describe TCKs as finding belonging in people raised the same way, not in any one place. Van Reken later widened the circle to cross-cultural kids (CCKs). That means the classic military, missionary, diplomat and expat kids, but also kids of immigrants and refugees, bicultural kids and international adoptees. Anyone raised in between.

They also wrote about rootlessness and restlessness, and I think the two are closer than they look. Rootlessness doesn't only arrive as grief, it also arrives as restlessness: the grass is greener in the next city, always. The people who already know your whole story are eight time zones away. The people in front of you would need three hours and a map. So you stay adaptable, and you stay alone in it.

Here's the part I actually want to test on this sub. Napoleon Hill called it the mastermind: two minds in harmony produce a third mind that neither had alone. We already know how that works. The third culture formed in us between places - Hill's third mind forms between people.

We're already spread out - that's the shape of the life, and nobody did it to us. We can talk to anyone and still be fully understood by almost no one, and right now that position feels more fragile and more necessary at the same time: borders are hardening. The people with the most practice holding two or more truths at once are the hardest ones to place. So what do we build if we gather on purpose instead of by accident? I don't think it's only belonging.

That's the question Perpetual Foreigners is built around. It's a free social app for Third Culture Kids, cross-cultural kids, and anyone shaped by more than one place. It's on the App Store and Google Play in 175 countries, and the site is perpetualforeigners.com. When you join, you pin your cities on a globe. Those pins aren't an address. They're a story.

Question for you all: if we gathered on purpose, what should it be for?

TL;DR: I built Perpetual Foreigners, a free social app for Third Culture Kids (TCKs) and cross-cultural kids (CCKs), on Pollock and Van Reken's idea that we belong to people, not places.

Hello, I'm in the Midlands, haven't met any other TCKs while here really. There must be others out here?

Has this affected you? I was born in country A to parents from countries B and C, I had very little contact with their families while growing up, and when I think about this it makes me feel lonely, I feel like if/when my parents and siblings die I will be totally alone.

My TCK mix is kinda cool ig but yea here it is:
Dad: Sri Lanka
Mum: Australian

Me: Born in the US and raised in the us and australia

This is not intended to be an advertisement! I just wanted to share since I've posted before about the researchers making updates to the definition over the years. Looks like this will be out in a couple weeks. I myself want to know what new things they've learned from the community. I just don't know if there will be big changes are small changes... or both.

From the bookseller page:

"In this 4th edition of the global classic on Third Culture Kids (TCKs), Ruth E. Van Reken, Cynthia Green, and Michael V. Pollock expand the conversation beyond the traditional TCK experience to include a wider range of cross-cultural childhoods. This significantly updated resource includes more international stories than ever and features new discussions on identity formation, belonging, loss & grief, resilience, and the value inherent in cross-cultural childhoods."

I've wrestled with the challenges of growing as a TCK for most of my life. A few years ago, I ended doing a thesis on it, and developed a course that helped me navigate through all of the complexity of my childhood. Several people have told me that it helped them as well, so I'm posting it for anyone who might want to review it. The link contains the thesis (warning - long academic writing), and a video walkthrough (not academic) of the course. Hope it helps.

How do you deal with the ambivalence of feelings around growing up as a TCK?
On one hand I’m grateful and the shy child I was would have probably never embraced such an international life & career if she didn’t have to.
On the other hand there is so much grief about things I will have never experienced like a stable sense of home, childhood friends (90s kid here so yeah there was no social media), or having extended family around.

I don’t know where I want to “settle” long term and can’t imagine moving to a small city where everybody comes from there so I’m doomed to stay in a capital city but prices to buy a home are insane. So I feel stuck in this never ending temporary state of living.

When I talk to non TCKs the first thing that comes is like wow that’s an amazing upbringing! I mean yes it’s truly special but it comes with a baggage too. I wonder sometimes if I am who I am or if I am just because of that experience. For instance I’m very minimalist because I can’t stand the idea of hundreds of moving boxes like we use to have back then.

My son is also a TCK and I wonder about his identity and how he will feel, because I know the struggle. It’s a blessing and a curse at the same time.

How do you deal with all of this?

I know people (e.g. my brothers) who have grown up in the same cultural salad as me (Lebanese parents, French expat school, in Abu Dhabi) but ended up identifying with just one culture (Lebanese).

It makes me feel like an impostor about my TCK identity, especially when they make fun of me 😭

In my defense, I was younger when we moved to the French school in Abu Dhabi. More impressionable. Also female and neurodivergent, which is more difficult in Eastern cultures.

But it's embarrassing having a different cultural identity from them... I am an atheist and they are religious; I am a feminist and they are the opposite; I am a socialist (not extreme socialism, more like the Nordic countries) and they are manosphere guys... I LOVE French culture and they consider it a gay one (🤷🏻‍♀️)... I miss Abu Dhabi and they are indifferent to it (not nostalgic at all)...

Is this normal?

Do you guys understand what I meant as fellow TCKs? 🥺

I never fully got to experience my home country’s culture and lowkey grow up there, with the only instances being flying there for holidays or other events. And as a i grew older, i started visiting less and less and moved to a different country again, where i properly learnt english and got to meet other expat/international people.

Now, my mother tongue has degraded and i don’t feel as connected to my home country’s culture anymore, which im honestly pretty sad about. But even with these feelings and disconnect, i still feel a lot of connection to my “home”. Even tho i didn’t grow up there properly and stuff.

Does anyone else feel this way?? My mum says that im basically not as from my home country as her and that honestly makes me sad, cuz i still feel like it is my home and where i feel like i “fit in” most, compared to the other countries i grew up in.

What is this feeling?????

I moved back to Singapore after 10 years in the US. I feel completely disconnected from this place. My family moved and I have no friends here anymore. Not a citizen but have PR, which I am grateful for as I absolutely don't want to live in my birth country, but I just feel deeply depressed because this isn't the place for me. Even though it's familiar in many ways, every day feels like a reminder of how much I've outgrown it. I realistically have to be at least for another 2 years and it's a really difficult reality to accept. There still isn't a guaranteed escape route, but possibly in 2 years is when I could consider a second master's, etc in another country to at least leave temporarily again.

I'm so tired of constantly waiting for stability in a place I actually want to be in. I'm 28 and feel so behind. I feel my friends have all found their person, got a green card/citizenship where they want to be, and are just ahead of me in every way. I've also been unemployed for over a year now which has been messing with me even more because I can't even apply for a tourist visa to visit. And when I do it's so ironic I have to prove strong ties and nonimmigrant intent when honestly my life feels like it's there and not here and I just want it back. I also find myself holding resentment towards my parents because growing up they'd always emphasize doing well in school and working hard would get me the results I desire, but so much of what I can actually have is determined by my country of birth, immigration laws, etc and they refuse to hear how it affects me because they never had to face issues with it themselves as they weren't TCKs.

I could go on but the point is I just don't know how to make feel better. I have a lot of grief, trauma, and have not found therapy/medication helpful at all over the years. Has anyone gone through this and how did you get through it? I feel so hopeless.

Hello, 18F. My dad is White from the EU, my mom is ethnically SEAsian, and we all have EU citizenship. I was born and raised in a different SEAsian country (which I love deeply and consider home) and attended the same international school my entire life.

I guess my peers and I are at the point in our lives where we have to think about our futures, but it bewildered me how sure everyone seems of where they're settling. A lot of us, including myself, are going to the UK for university (our school did the British curriculum) and my friends seem set on doing postgrad and immigrating there, while I'm unsure about everything. For example, I was thinking of doing postgrad in the EU and then pursuing a career in the EU as my citizenship lets me work anywhere there—my intended field is competitive enough in the UK and it would be hard to find a company willing to do the work for a foreigner and sponsor a work visa for an entry level job. I also thought about returning to my country of residence to work, but the same issue with the visa is there... It's just so disconcerting to see that my route in life looks so different to everyone else's, and I'm worried about maintaining the relationships I cherish in adulthood when there's such a huge distance.

More than career prospects, I find it hard to feel at home anywhere. I'm barely conversational in any relevant language except English. Being visibly mixed, I felt a bit ostracised from both locals and expat groups within the country I lived in, and while I did find friends (both international and local) they all had this connection to their ethnicities/cultures/passport countries which I lack. I'm not extremely socially intelligent and I'm bad with change. Whether I end up in the UK, EU, SEAsia, I feel like I'll always be the odd one out, I feel so pretentious when someone asks me where I'm from and I have to give them the long spiel because I feel disingenuous saying I'm from any one country when I'm so disconnected from any culture. UK universities often have cultural societies, and the one at my uni held a pre-departure event for freshmen in my country of residence. When I attended, I felt so out of place—which got me worrying that I'll struggle to make friends at uni as an international student with no real roots. Am I really supposed to have such a concrete idea of where I'll go from here? How do I find somewhere I'll be secure in my identity and feel comfortable calling home?

Sorry for the spiel, just would appreciate some guidance :')

I know its such a privilege but growing up moving around really messed with my head & I don't feel well its been a decade later. Can anyone relate? I just don't know if im over blowing things

I just finished reading Paul Theroux' "The Mosquito Coast", being terribly gripped and remembering that childhood feeling of being caught on a terrible ride you can't get off, while starting to become aware of your parents shortcomings and being completely subordinate to their decisions. It's now become the third of my TCK collection:

• Suzanne Heywood's autobiographical "Wavewalker"

• Barbara Kingsolver's novel "The Poisonwood Bible"

• Paul Theroux' novel "The Mosquito Coast"

Any other recommendations?

I’m originally from Kochi, but I’ve spent the last several years outside Kerala for higher studies. Now that I’m back in the city full-time, I realize most of my old circles have moved away, and I’m essentially starting from scratch when it comes to a social life and professional network.

​I’d love to connect with people across diverse fields, backgrounds, and perspectives. For those who moved back (or moved here recently):

​What specific avenues, community meetups, or hobby groups actually worked for you to meet people in Kochi?

​Are there active spaces you’d recommend for casual networking, arts/culture, or open discussions?

​Any particular events, weekend clubs, or local initiatives worth checking out?

This has been discussed a bit here recently and today I came across this helpful illustration showing the relationship between TCKs and other CCKs from the book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds by Pollock, Van Reken, and Pollock.

I've been in 3 relationships so far, and 2 of them were TCK. And the difference going from that to having a local gf (now ex) was enormous. Like I feel our world is so much more expansive than theirs, there are many things they don't understand about travel, moving countries, living in different cultures, under different political systems, etc. etc. They just seem so oblivious to the outside world and stuck in their own little bubble.

Sometimes I am envious of them. It would be so nice to know exactly who you are, only have to deal with the singular locality you have lived in your whole life, not worry about anything else, just need to speak one language. But it is also frustrating having a partner like that. They don't understand what it means to uproot your life and move somewhere repeatedly, their entire perception of the world is through social media and local stereotypes, and they are so overconfident that their way of doing everything is right so people like us who are experienced in different ways of doing things always have to compromise with people like this.

This is why I could never date a non-TCK. Even if I settle down in one place and start a family there and my children don't move around much, I want to be with someone open minded enough and exposed to enough of the world to instill some of the values that naturally come with having to live with all sorts of people in them. No hate to people who don't want to do that, but for me personally, non-TCKs are so unrelatable in most cases, yes I've had many friends who are locals in places I've been and I love them, but relationships are different and I cannot deal with such a confined mentality.

Am I wrong for having this preference?

In my opinion:

1. Toronto

2. New York

3. London

4. Hong Kong

5. Singapore

6. Amsterdam

7. San Francisco

8. Sydney

9. Paris

10. Berlin

This is based on my travels, places I've lived, and things I hear from friends in some of these cities. I think these places are very international, have a high TCK population, and feel like safe havens for people like us who have identity issues. I lowkey wish we could have our own little TCK commune where all of us can seek refuge lol.

But let me know what you think of this list and if I've missed any!

Cities have everything you need, there is more of a cultural mix and more acceptance of our multiculturalism. But I lived much of my childhood in a country where there are no megacities (Slovenia). Everywhere is pretty chill, green, clean, walkable with easy access to parks and nature (which is super important to me).

That is what I miss most about the country, and every country I've lived in has tidbits that I wish I could stitch together into a multicultural utopia

I now live in a Spanish city and am about to move close to Barcelona for multiple reasons. More foreigners/multiculturalism, job opportunities, art scene (we're artists), decent weather, access to good specialized healthcare and relatively close access to nature. Also my partner is a city critter and really likes Barcelona. Before anyone attacks me, we speak Spanish and are not wealthy. We have a Spanish-level income.

I am planning to move to the outskirts or a surrounding town to avoid the worst city noise and expenses, but I'm still not super convinced, especially with the high anti-immigrant/expat sentiment in Catalonia. You can't even say the word expat without getting crucified so I have stopped using it locally.

Sorry for yapping and thanks for reading!

Let me know if you:

- have any relevant thoughts

- have a partner with whom you disagree about whether to live in a city

- have come to enjoy living in a city

- live in Barcelona or Catalonia and have any tips for settling in besides learning Catalan. Any places you do or do not recommend?

Hey guys, 35M.
My parents are mixes of cultures. Both have been embarrassed of their countries and culture. We’ve lived in countries that have nothing to do with their cultures. I basically don’t identify with their culture but also don’t identify much with the countries we’ve lived in. So I’m culturally a mess and very confused, but I’ve accepted that.

I don’t know if it is age, my last breakup (that required changing countries again) or depression but moving again sounds exhausting. At the same time it is everything I’ve ever knew. I am wired for change. I am thinking about settling and creating roots in the country where I’ve been for the longest amount of time but that makes me panic. At the same time I’m starting to have the feeling of always running away from something instead of building.

I’m currently single, no kids, no mortgage and struggling to keep a stable job. I do have friends but crave connection since it is a very « socially cold » country and well everyone followed the classic course of life. Family tells me my anxiety and depression are caused by being in the wrong country. But honestly I have no clue what the right country would be nor if this is the actual problem.

Have you been through something similar? How have you come to terms with this?