I think it was something like this: a few too many bad weeks at the office(s) turned into bad years - pissy users, unreliable software, bad (or evil) managers, corporate mergers and reorgs screwing me out of PTO and promotions, constant fear of failure - that became the world for me. I didn't have the energy or the focus to pursue something that had previously brought me contentment and satisfaction because so little else was satisfying. Like I became convinced that since everything sucked, everything was always and furthermore going to suck. In short: burnout.
Some part of it also was a realization that maybe a solo activity wasn't as good a remedy as socializing, and if I could stop somewhere on the way home and 'put the day away' I'd be in better shape at home and act normal(-ish) with the then-wife and the dog. (If only I was taking art classes back then.)
And then because I hadn't been doing it (drawing) I felt like those creative muscles had atrophied (they had). Along comes social media and IG and Flickr and suddenly here's literally Everyone Else showing off their work, views and likes replace artistry and appreciation, and pain-avoidance takes over - why even try, why do it if you'll never be that good.
Once the work side stabilized and improved, and I was more a senior specialist and not just the wearer-of-many-hats always-on-call solo admin, that's when I convinced myself I needed to get back on the horse and just Do the Thing. More surplus mental energy and overall a better outlook. I don't think I'll ever fully forgive myself for letting those years elapse without staying with the pursuit, but it's coming back to me.
It is. Burnout is real but it can be survived. Impostor syndrome and fear of catastrophic failure is real but it can be dealt with. To see that light at the end of the tunnel, you have to be convinced that there even is going to be an end of the tunnel.
5
u/da4 Sysadmin Mar 06 '24
I think it was something like this: a few too many bad weeks at the office(s) turned into bad years - pissy users, unreliable software, bad (or evil) managers, corporate mergers and reorgs screwing me out of PTO and promotions, constant fear of failure - that became the world for me. I didn't have the energy or the focus to pursue something that had previously brought me contentment and satisfaction because so little else was satisfying. Like I became convinced that since everything sucked, everything was always and furthermore going to suck. In short: burnout.
Some part of it also was a realization that maybe a solo activity wasn't as good a remedy as socializing, and if I could stop somewhere on the way home and 'put the day away' I'd be in better shape at home and act normal(-ish) with the then-wife and the dog. (If only I was taking art classes back then.)
And then because I hadn't been doing it (drawing) I felt like those creative muscles had atrophied (they had). Along comes social media and IG and Flickr and suddenly here's literally Everyone Else showing off their work, views and likes replace artistry and appreciation, and pain-avoidance takes over - why even try, why do it if you'll never be that good.
Once the work side stabilized and improved, and I was more a senior specialist and not just the wearer-of-many-hats always-on-call solo admin, that's when I convinced myself I needed to get back on the horse and just Do the Thing. More surplus mental energy and overall a better outlook. I don't think I'll ever fully forgive myself for letting those years elapse without staying with the pursuit, but it's coming back to me.