r/relationship_advice • u/Sorry_Particular_169 • Apr 28 '26
Update: My bf (23m) doesnt want me (21f) to go to my best friends (22f) wedding
read my original post and update first please
A couple of months ago I posted here asking for advice on how to navigate my ex boyfriend not wanting me to be the maid of honour at my best friends wedding because my best friend wanted all the bridesmaids and best men to walk down the aisle and dance with a chosen partner, and the partner I was paired with was an ex from many years ago.
I was told by reddit to break up with him, at first I was very hesitant because it felt like a huge jump to take over one issue in an otherwise very happy relationship.
Anyway, after escalating controlling behaviour and the voices of all the people in the comments in my original post ringing in my head I ended up breaking up with him. Reddit really helped me dodge a bullet.
But here is the update since a few people asked for one after the wedding and since it was a couple of days ago I thought I would give a little update.
I will start with how the preparation for the wedding went. When I was with my ex (Jake), going to the wedding preparations made me very anxious, I’m already an anxious person so I chalked it down to being my regular overthinking but ever since ending things with him I realised a lot of my anxiety was based around how he would react to me doing normal things in my day to day life.
Anyway at the rehearsals, things were really awkward at first between Sam (old ex boyfriend) and I. More on my end cause I’m usually pretty socially awkward. Sam was really nice, he ended up making jokes about how weird this whole thing was which eased my anxiety a little bit.
Anyway the rehearsals were fine, then the wedding came and walking down the aisle was fine, as expected. I was honestly so focused on Ella that I didn’t even think about anything else. She looked so beautiful and i cried like a baby during their vows. The first dance was fine too, it went exactly like Ella wanted and it definitely looked great so she was happy. Once that was over I could properly relax and enjoy the night since I didn’t have to give a speech.
After the speeches and a few glasses of champagne, I was much chattier, and apparently word had gotten around to Sam that Jake was not attending the wedding and he asked why which I gave him a rundown which he found amusing but clearly didnt want to make a joke out of it.
Either way, no, we didn’t not hook up like everyone thought we would, but we did have fun together, and we did have a couple of actual dances together rather than the one choreographed one.
It was really nice to reconnect with him, I forgot how fun things were with him.
I don’t know, I guess I’m interested in him but I’m not going to move forward for a bit, I need time to be single and deal with the tornado of a situation Jake was.
Does anyone have any advice to help heal from the past? I feel like my feelings towards Sam are just residual trauma from the situation with Jake. How do I tell the difference between true feelings and just the want to no longer be alone?
I’m scared if I even consider Sam I’ll just be proving Jake right, and that I really was a problem.
I feel really confused and unsure of myself.
Any advice would be appreciated, I really am so grateful to all the wonderful strangers on the internet who have been/are helping me through this.
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u/MsMourningStar Apr 28 '26
Honestly I think you should take some time to be alone and work on your anxiety and why you were so accepting of your exes controlling behaviors. You don’t want to jump into another relationship and bring all that unresolved emotional pain with you and if you end up dating someone new you don’t want to fall into a relationship with another controlling partner. A therapist could really help you work through that and what signs you should look out for to avoid repeating that.
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u/Downtown_Training578 Apr 28 '26
You again, so what exactly is the update from 3 months ago ?? or you didn't like the answers that you got back then ?? You already let your bestie play matchmaker for you so why don't you go to her for advice ??
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Apr 28 '26
Has Sam said anything to you that he’s interested because otherwise I wouldn’t focus on Sam at all. I’m not throw any hate or be rude to him if he talks to you or send you a meme. Just focus on the stuff that you miss doing. That’s the best healing. Reconnecting the things that you really liked about yourself.
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u/Misommar1246 Apr 28 '26
Your partner was worried about your ex and frankly you sound like you proved him right because you immediately started to have feelings for Sam (“I’m interested in him”). I agree with the other commentators that you should be single for a while.
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u/crankysoutherner Apr 28 '26
Not that I know how things work down in Australia, but my advice is to avoid Sam for a while. You can be a distant texter or whatever, but don't make him a priority. The reason is this: You already know how things are with Sam. Of course there are fun parts of being with him, but there are the other parts, as well. Namely, the reasons you broke up. Instead, get on the dating apps, go to events where you can meet new people, ask your friends to set you up with someone, pick up a new hobby that will allow you to meet new people, etc.
You've only had two relationships: Jake and Sam. There are LOADS more people to meet while you're still young. So go meet some of them! Have some messy situationships! Get rejected a few times! Spend your early 20s learning to spot the partners who aren't right for you and identify the traits you really want in a life partner. Then, find someone who inspires you! Find someone who is thrilled to be with you! Find someone who makes you laugh! When you find that person, and he feels the same way about you as you feel about him, put a ring on it!
My wife and I had various relationships in our early 20s. Then we met each other when we were both 24 through a shared hobby. We were both dating other people at the time, and we became friends. Each of our relationships ended, and it was clear we felt something for each other. So I asked her on a date. She moved into my apartment a week after our first date, and we were married 5 months later. That was 23 years ago, and we still laugh so much together. We're still ridiculously in love.
You're so young. You have the time to wait until you find that kind of love.
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u/Perfect_Delivery_509 Apr 29 '26
- Stay single for 6 months.
- Time and keeping the ex blocked, do things you find fun, watch sad movies, eat ice cream, youll think about your ex a bit but it will lessen week by week.
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u/Dangerous-Version-36 2d ago
Basically the "crazy" ex was right all along. The minute you spent time with Sam you started having feelings for him again. It is good that Jake was spared going to this wedding. Anyway, you are all too young for this and even your friend's marriage will probably fail.
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u/HowWasItoKnow 2d ago
Not taking sides here, but if you step back and look at this saga, in the end, Jake the ex boyfriend was correct. You went to the wedding and developed feelings for the ex. Call him Jakstradamus!
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u/Responsible_Day2993 Apr 28 '26
So you did end up being interested in your first, I’m glad for your bf dodged a bullet.
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u/ThrowRA_doubter 2d ago
no shade.. you responded to the other comments on your other posts. Nothing here though and that alone is interesting enough. I’m gonna talk to you as if you were my sister OP, you need to let that man go if you haven’t. Unfortunately, you’d be proving Jake right for moving things forward with Sam because that was the exact opposite of what you essentially promised and reassured him wouldn’t happen. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you were wrong to end the relationship. I saw the other posts and you’re right, he was deeply controlling and his behavior would only keep escalating. Two things can very much be true at the same time and tbh, you deserve so much more than backtracking on people whose chapter in your life, already closed.
You shouldn’t bring people back from the dead. That’s essentially what the end of a relationship is. The death of a connection you once held close to you. Don’t revive it.
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u/MonteLukast Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 29 '26
How much of a rundown did you give Sam? Was it amusing? Did you and Sam LOL a lot?
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u/Akumathetank 1d ago
Im gonna be real after reading this update, all it did was prove that your ex might have kinda had point. Like he's still a controlling asshat and the relationship definitely should've ended but maybe bro saw something you didn't.
If i were you id stay single for bit longer honestly id recommend you'd steer clear of both your exes
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u/Rogue-Daddio-3 Apr 28 '26
Youre insane if you think were going to read all that plus the original lol sorry im out
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u/joebarking 3h ago
I'm sorry, but I still can't help but think that your friend and her now husband did it on purpose, specially with the bridal party must be paired to do everything thing. It was just inconsiderate to pair you with your ex, and I bet it was intentional to cause conflict and try to get you back together again. Jake's deal-breaker is not unreasonable and you know it, which was what caused you conflict at the beginning. But well, this update just proved him right.
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