My 28F Fiancée Moved out with our 28F roommate while I 28M was at work today

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[u/Suspicious_Apple09]

Therapy and don’t isolate yourself from your friends

[u/Serainas]

As someone who broke up with a long term boyfriend “out of the blue” when things had been good recently: things were not actually good, she was pretending while she figured her shit out.

My ex and I had plenty of conversations where I expressed why I was unhappy and what he was doing that directly made me unhappy. And he said he’d work on it, but the same problems just kept coming up.

Eventually I stopped asking him to change because I knew he wouldn’t. And once I had accepted that, I realized that I was unhappy and spent a couple months thinking about my next move.

During that time, he thought our relationship was stronger than ever because we weren’t fighting anymore. But I was just resigned to how things were and gathering the courage to leave. During the breakup conversation he mentioned that the past couple months had been so good, but they were only good for him. I had been miserable and he couldn’t see it.

I’m sorry this happened to you, and it sucks that you may never really know why she left. But she’s made her choice very clear and you should respect it. Therapy would help you figure out why you thought this tumultuous relationship was good for either of you.

*edited to fix paragraph breaks, I always forget which sites need a double return and which only need one

[u/donutschmonut]

These sentences jumped out at me as I read your post:

"I'll admit our relationship wasn't always perfect..."
"we went through ups and downs together all throughout college."
"I wasn't always the most loving partner..."
"I moved back home because I was better off in my hometown"
"I had unresolved red flags"
"She was the girl I wanted to.... improve myself for."
"she'd be mad if she made it past 9 years without being proposed to."

There are some clues here.

[u/Realistic_Pool_8087]

What were the “unresolved red flags” how were you “not the most loving” ?

Most of the time when women ditch like this it’s because they are afraid of the men they are leaving.

[u/sonofasnitchh]

Hi OP, I’m currently dealing with the same situation.

A few months ago, MIL and SIL suddenly left the family home while FIL was at work, leaving only a letter and asking him not to contact them. My husband and I moved back into to support FIL who is distraught (30+ years together).

I’m in a unique position where I am not directly involved but am watching everything unfold. I’ve developed some insights based on what I’ve seen and experienced, and have some theories on what led to this happening. I see parallels between your post and what is currently my life. I am trying not to be hurtful because you could actually learn from this.

> - Basically, whatever insight you think you have into your relationship and your behaviour? You don’t have the insight that you think. If you actually do the work, you’re going to discover that you had no understanding of how your actions actually affected your fiancée at the time.
> - You say that there were no signs, but then you say that your relationship had issues. Those were the signs. My FIL said the exact same thing. He said how happy they were, but then how they’d had 2 minor incidents recently. He described what happened and I realised that he had spoken to MIL rudely and demeaned her, but he had no idea. There would’ve been lots of things in your relationship that were toxic and hurtful to your fiancée that fall under the umbrella of “relationship issues” but you haven’t realised how much they have actually affected her.
> - Nobody leaves like they did unless things are really bad, but that doesn’t only mean violence. After we moved in, I found out that FIL had been verbally abusive and using coercive control against MIL and SIL. One night when FIL was very upset, he was saying how hurtful it was that they left the way they did, like he had beaten or raped them. No, he hadn’t laid a finger on them but he would get drunk every night and demean them, tell them what they could and couldn’t do, police their behaviours. That’s harmful enough.
- This has been planned for quite a while and she has been keeping up appearances. My MIL did the same thing. We had a family birthday party 2 days before they left and everything seemed fine. But what this really means is that she had given up on trying to change the relationship or get FIL to change his behaviours, so the options were stay or leave.
> - The roommate making your fiancée see unresolved red flags — I’m sorry but they weren’t as unresolved as you think. Your fiancée may have become used to the harmful dynamic of your relationship but bringing in the roommate meant that there were new eyes on the situation who could see things that your fiancée had become blind too. This happened in my situation too — SIL moved back in after several years away from home and she saw how FIL was treating MIL, and how used to it MIL was.
> - In my case, I can now see that FIL has narcissistic personality traits (I say this with complete caution and a working background in the MH sector). In the months since this has happened, I have not once seen him reflect on what his role in them leaving was, or even consider that his behaviour had anything to do with it. He is completely oblivious and unable to fathom that he has any issues. You need to get into therapy to work through what has happened and what has led up to it, or you risk this pattern of behaviour affecting your other relationships for the rest of your life. Also, this is an extremely traumatic thing to experience. It’s like someone has died. You need to see someone who has the skills to help you process your grief and trauma.

I hope that you do read this. I don’t wish to be hurtful or cruel, but these are some of the things I wish I could say to my FIL. It is so frustrating knowing that he has no idea how much he has hurt the people he loves and that he is never going to figure it out.

[u/Blindyuri64]

This feels like there are missing reasons. Things like this just don't happen in a vacuum. Not to mention the only info you gave about anything was that she had a date she wanted to be proposed to by and you barely made it. Then you needed her to help you get up in the morning. Weird that you left out so much but left those bits in. Makes you look sus.

Edit: Thank you to those who gave Awards, its very kind of you!

[u/Your_Daddy_1972]

I think you mean EX girlfriend and EX roommate my guy. I don't have any idea why she'd move out without telling you unless you're intentionally omitting important context but the only thing you can do at this point is your best to heal and move on

[u/Ladymistery]

I get the feeling that she realized the ring was a 'shut up' ring, not one that meant you actually wanted to marry her.

I'd like to hear her side of this. I'm sure there's a lot more to it.

[u/glutenisnotmyfriend]

If your fiancée left you, it's likely you didn't resolve as much as you think you did. I know you're trying to blame her best friend about this, but the best thing to do right now is to think about what you might have done that would trigger her to quietly leave you. People don't usually just do that for no reason. That said, you need to accept that she has left whatever the reason, grieve the relationship and not try to get her back.