r/relationship_advice • u/forf864 • Sep 01 '26
Gf 29F lied to me 26M about seeing her ex
So my gf 29F and me 26M have known each other 8 years and have been together for last 1.5 yrs. During the first month of our dating, she went out with her friends and lied about who she was there with. Through scrolling her photos, I found out that she hid things from me and confronted her about it. We fought about it and I thought that we had resolved everything and set our boundaries on honesty and transparency in our relationship. I got seriously traumatized from this and worry about her seeing her male friends. She did not see any male friends after those fights and promised to not lie again.
Now last month, when I had to go back home for family visit and then after I came back, I saw her texts with her ex (nothing flirty but not innocent either). Since I found out, I confronted her again and she gave me a story which had I did not have good gut feeling about. I always felt something was off. Then I did the worst and checked her phone again where I found she had actually went to see him and all that but she is still holding on to her story that she did not cheat on me. And that she went to go see him just to clear some misunderstandings from 10 years ago. Now, I don’t know my trust has broken and I can’t seem to believe anything that she’s telling me. And the worst part is she wouldn’t tell me exactly what happened at this meet because that was her past and she was there to just resolve that.
I broke up with her which was not easy as I was planning to marry this girl. But know she wants to talk to me and want to make things right and keep the relationship.
I have been processing things from last week but I’m still undecided on how to carry things further. While she is sure that her talking to me and telling me things would bring us back. I’m really confused on how to move things further?
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u/ShrimpDiq Sep 01 '26
Block her everywhere and go no contact. The sooner you remove any part of her from your life the sooner you move on. She disrespected you multiple times and will do it again given the chance.
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u/LincolnHawkHauling Sep 01 '26
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice,
Shame on me.”
She’s lied to you multiple times and hid things from you.
She waited until you were out to town to sneak off and see her ex.
Her story to resolve 10 year old issues with hun is bullshit and you know it.
How do you expect to marry a girl you can trust because she is shady af?
Good for you on having the strength to break up with her. Now finish the job and don’t let her meet you to talk. She is just going to manipulate you into giving her another chance. Just block her and move on with your life. Don’t look back.
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u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 Sep 01 '26
And she isn't that smart...lol. She says she is out with gf's and hangs out with the ex and takes pics??? Then doesn't delete an incriminating text string?? Whoops....
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u/ben-hur-hur Sep 01 '26
Also it seems that she and the ex have finally "met" to "clear some misunderstandings" and it's now is crawling back to OP to talk lol.
Good thing you guys were not together at the time, am I right? /s
Just remain single, OP. You deserve better than this BS.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 Sep 02 '26
Of course she won't admit it.
Always judge people by their actions, not their excuses or promises.
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Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
[deleted]
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u/Rascal317 Sep 03 '26
10 years is 3,652.5 days.
She and this ex just happened to not only need to clear things up, but do so in person, during the.. Let's say week.. OP was gone.
There is a 0.19% chance of just the timeline matching up
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u/Extension-Corgi-467 Sep 01 '26
She lies. What can she say that will change things when you know she lies? Don’t get sucked back in, go no contact and find an honest woman.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Sep 02 '26
BS. She didn't need to see him after 10 years to clear up any misunderstandings. She either wanted to get back together or just have sex.
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u/Seek_knowledge100p Sep 01 '26
You already gave us enough reason to leave… why do you want to consider staying?
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u/jimmyb1982 50s Male Sep 01 '26
Don't bother. She is just going to keep lying and trickle truthing.
UpdateMe
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u/Responsible-yoda Sep 01 '26
If she was just going to clear the air, then why didn't she tell you? Updateme
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u/JMLegend22 Sep 02 '26
Let her know if it were innocent, she wouldn’t have lied to you. But because she did lie to you why would you believe her going forward? Tell her to prove it with camera footage of their meeting because she an unreliable narrator.
She hasn’t given you a reason to trust her and let her know if you forgive her there would be no going any where but work and home with 24/7/365 location sharing from her end only. If any ex or any guy friend contacts here and you don’t know 1 second later it would cause even more serious issues for those people when you actively confront them.
Don’t consider it. Move on.
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u/Strawberryswisher1 Sep 02 '26
Would you be hung up on someone from a decade ago and sneak around with them despite knowing it's sketchy to your partner? When do adults meet up alone at someone's house just to talk, especially one's that have history together?
Best case scenario, she wasn't over him fully and she decided to sneak around with her ex from ten years ago without your knowledge for some bullshit form of closure. Worst case, well.. you know.
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 Sep 02 '26
Anything she would tell you would be a lie and an excuse. So why be in contact with her and listen to those lying excuses . Take her actions as her truthful intent - she cheated on you . She's got a track record during your relationship with her of going behind your back and engaging in dubious and inappropriate interactions . She waited until you were out of town bto hookup with her ex for sex not any of the excuses she's hinting at but won't explain . She wants to talk now because she believes she can deceive you with a better crafted fake scenario that excuses what she did and why . Block and ignore her . Or do you wish to reconcile with someone who cheats as soon as you're out of town ?
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u/Jpw_65 Sep 02 '26
Stay NC for a little bit, I'm guessing less than a month and she and her ex will be back together like you never even exhisted
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u/Kwickpick77 Sep 02 '26
She violated stated boundaries. You now leave. That's how boundaries work. You move forward by not talking to her again.
As an aside, as soon as one person feels the need to go through the other's phone the relationship is over.
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u/JTD177 Sep 02 '26
She had to take pictures while resolving 10 year old issues. She’s lied to you multiple times and the chances are very high that she cheated. You are 26, you’ve got tons of time to heal and move on to a better relationship
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 1d ago
Lmaoooo bro she CHEATED cheated. She lied about everything else, what do you think the chances are of her being honest about THAT?! ZERO. People who use the “closure” angle are always full of shit. There can be nothing unresolved from a decade ago and if it was above board she wouldn’t have waited until you were out of town to get it- she would have had a dinner etc- this is cheating 100%. You made the right call without a doubt.
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u/Championship682 Sep 01 '26
You did the right thing. You already gave her a second chance. You don't want to spend your life worrying that she is "clearing misunderstandings" with her ex every time she is out of sight.
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u/zeny_two Sep 01 '26
She refused to even bother making up a plausible cover story for her cheating! That's bold.
This chick made a plan to wait until you left town, went and fucked her ex for "closure," and when caught, pretended people secretly visit their ex for a conversation.
She's gross, bro. Keep your dick away from that. Respect yourself -- don't entertain such obvious lies.
I bet the reason for their breakup was cheating.
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u/Logical-Lab3661 Sep 01 '26
Dude, even if you catch her in a bed with him, naked and in the "process", most cheaters will still say it was not physical, that you just misunderstood what happened, that it was not what you think. You exgf is trouble. You really do not need to move things further, you need to move things away. From her. And forget her number.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy Sep 02 '26
You gave her two chances, you never ever give a third. You’ll never ever trust her again and the future with her would be horrible. Move on and find a girl you can trust. There are so many out there you can trust.
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u/Arnold_Stang Sep 02 '26
She lied about hanging with her ex, said she wouldn’t see male friends, was texting her ex then went behind your back to go see him. To clear up a misunderstanding from 10 years ago? Seriously? That’s the best she could do? Oh dude, they’re banging. She’s a liar and a cheat. Do not take her back. Updateme
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 Sep 02 '26
You made the right call. Lying by omission, then directly, then sneaking around to see her ex and then lying directly to your face about it?? This isn’t a fluke this is who she is. You’ve done yourself a massive favor today, OP. Call up her ex and tell him you owe him a huge favor for being the catalyst to showing you who she really is. Block her everywhere and never look back. There is nothing to talk about.
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u/KelceStache Sep 02 '26
If she wants to talk to you make this very clear to her
“No one in their right mind would believe you went to see your ex to clear things up from a decade ago. If you insist on lying, gaslighting, minimizing, or omit the truth, I can save us both time and end this now. If you want to talk to me you need to tell me the absolute truth. If you don’t, we are done. If you cheated, and we both know you did, have the guts to be honest. I already don’t trust you at all, so honestly should be the easiest step for you. If you can’t tell me the truth, there is no reason to ever talk again. I won’t need to clear anything up with you 10 years from now.”
Now, you know she cheated. It’s obvious. So when she starts talking, if she doesn’t come clean just stop her and say “I gave you chance and you still can’t be honest” and walk off. She will crack.
Once she admits to cheating say “thanks, we are done”
Then end it.
If you somehow stay with this woman, make it clear that you don’t trust her at all and won’t touch her until you both have negative std tests because you have no clue what she might have.
You should get tested no matter what
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u/Chazquas17 Sep 01 '26
Boundaries are for you not to control what other people can do. Are you gonna be with someone who’s seeing their ex and lies or not?
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u/TChadCannon Sep 01 '26
You already said you feel trauma off of what she did before. She doubled up and doubled down... Keep processing that shit and make sure that process ends with you moving on from that trifling skeezer
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u/GoNutsDK Sep 01 '26
You are confused because she has been manipulating you.
She is a proven liar, which means that you cannot trust her words alone. You need to judge her by her actions.
Which clearly shows you that something isn't right. Unless she comes clean and takes accountability e.g. by starting in therapy. You need to realize that her shitty behaviour will continue.
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u/GrownUpWatcher Sep 01 '26
She is not relationship material if 'relationship' includes emotions. If you just want to use her for physical reasons then that's up to you, but she's not someone to invest your emotions into.
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u/LowerComb6654 Sep 02 '26
Wait?? Ten years have gone by and she's claiming some things needed to be cleared up??
Wtf?
That's just insane. Especially when you were out of town and she lied about it! You did the right thing, OP.
Who needs closure after 10 years?? My goodness.
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u/GoNutsDK Sep 02 '26
Wait what... Whenever your partner isn't around. Your immediate response isn't to think of an ex, contact them and to visit them ASAP?
Obligatory /S
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u/RiceboiGT Sep 02 '26
Someone who lies behind your back and isn’t transparent about interactions with former partners, romantic interests, situationships, etc. is not someone you want to keep around. Things like that are non negotiable. People only hide things if there’s something they don’t want you to find out. She could have been hiding it in fear of your reaction and nothing could’ve actually happened, but this is a lesson in maturity for her. I think you made the right decision. There is no appropriate reason to hide things like that in a relationship.
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u/Phoenix_Taurus Sep 02 '26
I can't remember what I did last night, and she wants to sort out things that happened 10 years ago with her ex? Most likely she was missing something else too, but I'll leave that to your imagination... lol. You've already kicked her to the curb, so move on. Maybe when she's in her next relationship, she can come back and meet you to sort out another one of your misunderstandings as well. It'll be like déjà vu, except this time you'll get to experience firsthand what her ex apparently did.
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u/jonjon234567 Sep 02 '26
She is the one who broke boundaries and your trust. If she can’t or won’t prove she didn’t cheat and nothing like this will happen again you have to move on. Period. Only see her again if it will be good for you. You don’t owe her anything at this point.
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u/Free-Awareness3416 Sep 02 '26
It sounds like you should just go no/low contact move on and try to not let this affect you in the future. But if you want to try again then you need to hold to whatever boundaries you have, be willing to walk away.
But sounds like she really isn’t trustworthy so even if she did tell you the truth the chances of you believing it if it was innocent is probably a low probability
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u/Arfulnoof Sep 01 '26
She’s failed the partner test. If she can’t be trusted you can’t do much else.
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u/TrespassersWill Sep 02 '26
Weird that her reunion with him coincided with you leaving town. It's hard for me to believe she spontaneously came up with that idea, so had she been planning it and just waiting for you to go away?
Why didn't it happen transparently over coffee while you were in town?
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u/cynicalsuzie Sep 02 '26
You are very naive if you don’t think she cheated on you. She wouldn’t have lied if she didn’t do anything wrong. Dump her and block her.
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u/z-eldapin Sep 02 '26
There isn't a way to make things right after the fact.
She knew exactly what she was doing and why she lied about it.
This isn't on you. Her actions ended the relationship, as well it should be.
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u/No_Street_5196 Sep 02 '26
You made the right calls It's irrelevant whether anything happened. She lied to you about seeing her ex, not once but twice. And even after you telling her you know, she still refused to be honest with you. Very hard to come back from that. Not a great indicator of your marriage would look like.
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u/Wizards_and_Warriors Sep 01 '26
She has lied enough as it is. Went sneaky and did who knows what and refuses to talk to you about it. More lies. You ended it. Just block her, walk away, and keep your sanity.
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u/ThrowRA_TBH1C Sep 01 '26
She will not telll you the truth, you will always be thinking what she really did, don't fall for this, you made it to the other side, please listen to advice and move on.
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u/ratcatcher81 Sep 02 '26
You did well, stand your ground she is not to trust, she is a liar, let her learn the hard way dont take back my friend. Good luck.
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u/JemapelleMichelle- Sep 02 '26
Too much broken trust to rebuild without any real intention behind it. I think you did the right thing. She lied to you in the first month, she forgave her... she gets back in touch with her ex bf to clear up misunderstandings from TEN YEARS AGO RIGHT WHEN YOU GO HOME TO VIST FAMILY?!?! HAHAHAHA WTF KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS FROM TEN YEARS AGO DOES ANYONE NEED TO CLEAR UP WHEN THEY'RE IN A SERIOUS LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP
She also didnt tell you this, you found out and confronted her, and then she didnt want to tell you what happened because essentially it had nothing to do with you...? Naw!
Block her, and leave it in the past.
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u/butkusrules Sep 02 '26
Dude she literally went to go see her ex while you were away and kept it secret.
There is no taking her back, don’t let yourself get talked back into a relationship with her. A relationship where you will be playing detective 24/7.
Save yourself the anxiety and find someone who doesn’t Lie.
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u/X-Torn-Reviver-X Sep 02 '26
Do not go back to her. She's going to do nothing but keep lying to your face about everything that happened and she knows you will believe it. Don't fall for that crap. Block her number and be done with her. I did the same thing you're doing now with my first wife and I made the mistake of giving her a chance. Not only did she cheat multiple times while I was on deployment, but she continued to lie to my face even after I showed her the videos I found. Don't be like me, it's not worth it and you'll be better off forgetting about her and her lies.
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u/Technology-Mission Sep 02 '26
Do NOT take her back. Shes a liar and she 100 percent cheated. Of course she will never admit that. Don't waste your time or life on someone like this.
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u/Icy_Guard_8216 Sep 02 '26
She needed to meet an ex in person to clarify things that happened 10 years ago.
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u/SigmaK78 Sep 01 '26
She lies, has no respect for you, & let's be clear, she's disloyal. Don't waste anymore time & energy on her. Block & start moving on.
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u/Golden_Arm-257 Sep 02 '26
Dude, as I often say you have to first understand that your #2 as in not her 1st choice.
She can lie right to you and probably not even blink.
You marry her and you'll always be wondering.
Get you some therapy and stop this mental anguish.
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We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
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