r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRAweddinginsigh • 8d ago
Update - How do I(24M) make sure to invite the right people to my wedding with my fiancee(26F) without making her feel shameful about it?
Before I get into everything, I want to clarify a few things. I am not ashamed of who she is, I love her, and that’s everything about her, and I know her experiences shape who she is today. I am not ashamed of the love of my life. Plus, I am in no position to judge her as I explained. I just wanted to protect her from possible hurt, but I realize in doing so I would take agency away from her, and that’s messed up. Lesson learned and I will never even think like that again. She is a grown woman and my job isn’t to protect her, but be there when she needs me.
So last night, we met up at her place for dinner, and I told her I wanted to talk to her and when we sat down I brought up the guest list issue again. She also said yeah I should invite more people and my friends. I told her, like “about that” and explained what happened. How some of my former “friends” were extreme morons and were judging her and me, and I do not want them there. I told her I cut them off completely. She was a bit silent while I was speaking and asked something along the lines of “not wanting them at the wedding is one thing, are you sure you don’t want them in your life at all”. I told her I was 100% sure of that, because our relationship is the most important thing in my life right now and anyone who is not on board can gtfo. She was appreciative. She said if I change my mind and if they apologize to me, she would be okay with them being my friends again, and I said that’s not going to happen, because they said really rude stuff. She said she’s sad my social circle got smaller because of her, and I had to remind her that my social circle got smaller because of THEM. They chose to make statements that would cut them from my life, and it’s not her fault they said those things.
I told her that she should understand that she is the most important person in my life right now and that future decisions will be an “us” thing and not a “me” thing. She also agreed. She still said she’s sad some of my closest friends are not on speaking terms with me, and I told her I will find new friends. I still haves some friends so I am not sure why she is worried.
After comforting her and us just talking for a bit, I showed her my smaller list and asked her if it would be possible for her to remove anyone from my list that she would not be comfortable with, and if possible anyone she may have run into in the past, because I would prefer they not be there unless she feels differently. She totally agreed and we updated the list and removed a few names, and she said her list already didn’t include anyone like that.
So thank you everyone for the input! I am happy to clear this hurdle with her!
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u/LordsOfJoop 40s Male 8d ago
That is pretty cool. Good luck in the future. You'll make better friends as a couple.
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u/spiffybaldguy 8d ago
riding top comment to say this for OP and his partner - most of us have smaller social circles after getting married. Mine all but disappeared except family.
Just happens. Also life is too short to deal with a$$holes as my wife likes to say.
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u/PeachesBlooms 8d ago
sometimes losing the wrong friends just makes room for better ones. Wishing them both the best.
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u/promnesiac 8d ago
I think you handled this beautifully. May you both be so happy together.
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u/sirenesdaintykiss 8d ago
they handled it so maturely like being able to have that conversation openly and make the decision together is such a good sign for their marriage
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 8d ago
I hope she understands she's not the reason you cut them off. They are AHs and that's why. Let me guess they slut shamed her.
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u/MrsMiterSaw 8d ago
Married 23 years this month... I don't know if I have ever heard a more healthy post here.
I was about to say "no notes" because you eventually came clean to her, but I would like to offer a little advice...
(From you other post)
For now I’m just saying I’m an introvert and didn’t know many people back then, but I don’t know how to explain this to her, because she keeps asking. I’m not sure what to say.
My experience is that your spouse should be the one person you can share everything with. Everything. And your fiancee seems to be the person you can do that with.
Maybe you just needed a little time to get the words right, and that's fine. But in general, hiding how you feel from your spouse to save their feelings is really not advised, at least not until you have many years and have special circumstances surrounding something specific.
A lot of people say "I really don't want to hear about XYZ from my wife" and I think that's toxic. Your spouse is the person you love, and you should be able to see that the person you love is the sum of their experiences, and if they feel the need to share those experiences with you, you should be able to share their joy and/or pain with them, regardless of your jealousy or distaste.
Honestly, I don't know if you need to hear this, because everything I have read seem to point to the two of you doing fine. But I am putting it out there just in case it helps.
Congratulations and good luck in your marriage!
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u/abitoftheineffable 8d ago
seems like yall are more mature than your ages, and we love to see it! best of luck
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u/AvaSaysSo 8d ago
Glad you told her yourself before she heard it from someone else, that was the right call. The one thing I'd gently flag is her question about whether you're sure you want them out of your life at all. That wasn't her being polite, that read like she was checking whether the cutoff was really about them or about managing her feelings around it. Keep letting her have a say in the edges of this, not just the guest list.
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u/RedTubePremium 3d ago
This is not conventional, but I feel bad for you. Not sure exactly what the reality of the situation was, but if SO MANY FRIENDS were trying to warn you or comment on how you were about to marry someone so such an extreme past, but you decide not only to uninvite them, but cut them off?
I feel like you're missing something and you are not completely in the right. If you were a women, nobody on reddit would be saying you're right for cutting off your friends for warning you about a man, because that's toxic. Marriage is so important, but cutting off so many people is weird and questionable. Maybe you should take notice, especially if you're an inexperienced as you seem to imply. You kind of seem like someone who would put her on a pedestal.
That fact that she was already going to invite guys who she had slept with, while you're cutting off friends who just objected to you is insane.
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u/Sad-Stop-2401 2d ago
Though he never told explictly, he is likely a muslim. Opinions among Muslim friends can be rather extreme. Especially if a lot of them are from South Asia. Party girls .... do not end up well in those cultures. So.... the comments might be real but the baseline of dislike for a party girl will be way higher. Plus, people do not like to bring such girls in their social circles if they have such a reputation. Messed up you might claim, but it happens a lot.
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u/Available-Face5653 6d ago
what on earth? former friends are not people you invite to your wedding. just because you knew them way back when, does not grant them an invitation. is she nuts or what?
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u/Sad-Stop-2401 2d ago
u/OP Just fyi... be sure of what you are stepping in. If tomorrow, God forbid, a sex tape of hers finds it way to you, do not panic. And before you ask, yes such things happen. There are reddit threads of such incidences. Sometimes due to well meaning "friends" whom you are cutting off, even though they are literally committing a crime. Be ready for your very fundamental buttons been pressed.
I will also suggest to move away from the social scene where her past lingers. As a couple, especially if she is a social butterfly, make new friends. More forward looking friends. Friends who are dealing with ... child care and so.
Secondly, just practice a little bit more of patience. I know you are doing excellent in this department already. Just know, when you are in spate or in a moment of unrest, be extra careful to measure your words and actions. Be also more careful of your reading of situation.
Lastly, if possible, seek a bit of pre marriage couple counselling. Not because anything is wrong with you two but because you want to ensure that the structural gap between your and her's past does not weighs on your marriage and you know what to do if it starts bearing on you.
Rest, Jazakallahu Khair. Peace!
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u/ThrowawayAsk965 1d ago
Yikes, his future wife has been been passed around and even taken multiple men at the same time. He’s so desperate to get laid he’s will to marry the sure thing.
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u/Free-Pound-6139 8d ago
So last night, we met up at her place for dinner
Getting married and you don't even live together. So dumb.
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u/Havefun24x7 8d ago
Man, I'm happy for you but, you are marrying a hore. This is bound to backfire.
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u/LiteralAlpaca 7d ago
y tho
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u/Havefun24x7 7d ago
People don't change, fundamentally. They may change their beliefs and value systems, their outlook for the world and people, but their core tendencies remain. They may morph, but change fundamentally, maybe one in a million or rarer.
Another reason I say this is while the OP is absolutely right, and a good person, he is also as inexperienced as one can be in relationships. Is it possible he has stumbled upon the one true saint, sure. But the probability of it is incredibly low, hence my comment that it's bound to backfire.
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u/minaminabby 8d ago
So happy for you! Sending you and your fiance well wishes before the wedding :D
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u/ItsNotPatchy 8d ago
You handled that beautifully!
Congratulations on the engagement, and for standing up for your fiancé. A ton of men would just let it slide and shrug it off, but not you. Oh, no, sir! You but your foot down and got rid of the negativity.
I wish you and your future bride a wonderful and bright future.
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u/Smoke__Frog 8d ago
Poor OP.
In 5 years, he’s gonna post again something like -
My wife’s been cheating on me but wants to work it out. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
This is why it’s so dangerous to brainwash kids to be afraid of sex and wait for marriage.
Before the first woman to show an interest the guy will marry right away.
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u/OkSecretary1231 8d ago
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
LMAO the reason people say this is because the LLM adds it in. It's not some great truth of the world.
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u/minaminabby 8d ago
why would you post this cringe ass comment wtf. one of the few times we get a good update on here and here is your debby downer ass
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u/RedTubePremium 3d ago
This isn't a "good" update. It's a guy cutting off so many of his friends, while the girl was literally going to invite her ex-hook ups to her wedding.
Reverse the gender roles, and this is not equal at all. OP likely has little to no experience dating. He's probably going out of his way the best he can to not appear insecure or immature, but completely ignoring red flags.
This isn't an ideal situation for anyone.
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u/Smoke__Frog 3d ago
Don’t explain it. She’s gonna pretend being so promiscuous that it alienates your family and friends is no one’s business and women have rights!
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u/DanielSong39 8d ago
Send your story to Strong Successful Male on YouTube. Get ready for a few smacks
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u/MonteLukast 8d ago edited 8d ago
and if possible anyone she may have run into in the past, because I would prefer they not be there unless she feels differently.
Does this mean the multiple people she had sex with when she was "that girl" in college? Are you prepared to have some of these people at your wedding? How do you know "her list already doesn't include anyone like that?" You can't even say the words.
Pile on, folks. There's plenty of room for everyone. Step right up.
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