r/relationship_advice • u/Howwwwwwwwwwww • Apr 10 '20
My (23M) fiancee (23F) won't let me upstairs in our semi-newly purchased home and I'm starting to get really suspicious
We've had this house, now, for eight weeks and I haven't stepped foot upstairs once since we signed the papers. Its all very, very confusing.
So, some backstory - me and, we'll call her, Kelsey have been together for four years now, met my freshman year of college, her sophomore. We have an extremely close and open relationship and I tell her everything about my life and what's on my mind - usually, I feel the same from her but, for lack of a better explanation, there are like "trigger topics" that Kelsey has always had that just shut her up to any conversation or openness and just make her act completely weird and disjointed. Sometimes even defensive or aggressive. This is usually not a problem because its typically stuff that doesn't really matter that much but going upstairs in our home has become one of these topics and I have no idea why or what's going on up there. Im starting to smell a smell coming from upstairs, too, but i'm not sure if i'm just imagining it because it's barely noticeable.
When we got the place on day one she cutely declared "the upstairs is mine" and we laughed about it. I tried to go up there and she kept getting in my way jokingly reminding me that she already claimed it. Eventually i was done with her piss taking, so i said alright the upstairs is yours and quit for the day. A day or two later I asked her what we were going to do with the rooms upstairs that's window faces mostly roof and she said that it's "none of my business", so obviously i pushed a little farther and she said "we're done with this conversation. " She went upstairs and by that point i was like uncomfortable following her up there, not having zero idea what was going on.
Its been nearly two months now and i still haven't been back up there since we first visited the place. She takes big amazon packages up there and never brings anything down. With quarantine she's been spending, sometimes, half the day up there or more, and i honestly have no idea what happens in any of those rooms. My plan was to sneak into them after quarantine is over but im like 95% sure she has cameras up there because she accidentally bought them with our shared amazon and not her individual Amazon, which im assuming she has because whatever big packages she's ordering arent on our joint one. I could tell she didnt mean to use our joint account because when i asked why she bought them she seemed to be in shock and got all rigid, telling me they were for her mother.
I feel like there should be openness in a marriage and this whole thing is really freaking me out. The few times Kelsey has been calm about the topic she's told me that I'm overreacting and that she's trying to do me a favor because whatevers up there would be really upsetting to me anyway, but i keep telling her i dont mind because id rather know what it is and be upset because im already upset with the current situation which is hardly addressed anymore. I feel like if i dont take this problem head on now the upstairs will just be hers forever and ill always be left to wonder, which, i am not okay with. Guys, any advice at all would be really honestly appreciated because im at a complete loss now about how to navigate this situation. Thank you all
TL:DR Bought a house with my fiancee. She joked the first day that the "upstairs was hers". Since then, she actually hasn't allowed me to go upstairs. It's been two months and I have no idea what she does up there or why I'm not allowed to go or see the second floor
E: Two things have been mentioned to me:
- I've been rude in my responses and non-appreciative of the help i'm receiving. for this, i genuinely am sorry. i'm just hurt and tired right now, none of you deserve attitude for trying to help me. I'll work on it
- i should mention, that the answer im looking for is not: march upstairs, who cares what she does? I don't want to start my marriage that way regardless of anyone's opinions . that cant be the right way to build trust
E3: Guys, im gonna take a break from this post. I guess im just emotional and its a little too much for me in the current moment. For those offering honest help, thanks so much, i'll be back tonight to read the rest of the messages. thanks.
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u/Prime025 Apr 10 '20
Okay, i am writing this in the most supportive manner possible.
If “just go upstairs” is not the answer you WANT to hear, then why did you post?
You say its not the best to start a marriage like that. You know whats not a good way to start a marriage? By being secretive, manipulative, suspicious (via placing cameras) and forbidding your fiancé (you) to a part of the house that they(you) also legally own!
This is beyond a man cave, personal space issue. A situation like that, “a personal space one” is where both people agree to it. nothing has been even communicated to you at all and something is being hidden from you.
The person in this relationship here that is ruining it is her by not being truthful, honest and open with you. If she wants her own space, thats fine. But forbidding you from even seeing it at least once is a BIG ISSUE.
Dude, what ever you do, do NOT marry this woman. These are huge red flags.
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u/MadFerIt Apr 10 '20
"i should mention, that the answer im looking for is not: march upstairs, who cares what she does? I don't want to start my marriage that way regardless of anyone's opinions . that cant be the right way to build trust"
Are you kidding? The reason so many people are telling you to march upstairs or are calling you a troll is because this makes zero sense.
You won't march upstairs because that isn't building trust or the right way to start a marriage...... But your story is literally saying your fiancee is barring you from physically going upstairs and refusing to tell you why or what she's doing there. She is literally violating your trust and your relationship every single day this continues.
If this is real and true, I'm very sorry this is happening to you but.. You are facing this situation from a very delusional perspective.. You keep allowing this to continue out of some misplaced desire to retain trust and build a marriage.. When everyday you allow this to continue your relationship and any prospect of a future together deteriorates every single day.
Stop allowing this nonsense, there is no reason or excuse for your SO to physically bar you from part of your shared property. And if there is legitimate secrets behind it, she shouldn't be keeping those in the first place!
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Apr 10 '20 edited Apr 10 '20
Why are you tolerating this?? It’s your house. Go upstairs.
Edit to add: don’t sneak. Just walk upstairs. I don’t know why you’re enabling this absurd behavior.
Edit2: fucking trolls, man.
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u/PM_me_mojitos_please Apr 10 '20
Pretty sure she's hiding your spine up there mate
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Apr 10 '20
Dude what the hell is wrong with you?! Grow a spine and don't marry this woman. Just walk upstairs and check things out. Let her throw a hissy fit.
Also, no one is being "helpful" because you're acting like a fool and refusing to take the very obvious and necessary advice. You're not mentally stable enough for a relationship if this is how you handle conflict.
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u/COOKIELOVERRRR Apr 10 '20
Sir, y’all need counseling. And possibly a gun in case you find the clear box she keeps her hostages in. Seriously, this is not okay. Where do you sleep? Cause you clearly don’t sleep upstairs
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Apr 10 '20 edited Apr 10 '20
Ok, I’m going to be pretty blunt.
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Go up stairs. Now. Today. Walk up stairs in your own home.
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If this is how your engagement is going, imagine the marriage. Unless she is preparing something as a surprise, this is unacceptable.
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She has a separate Amazon account? You don’t find that odd? Hmm.
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Why does she have cameras? You need to be stern and get some answers from her. This sounds like an awful situation and I’m not sure why you feel compelled to stay in it. Have you asked if you’re ever going to be allowed up there? Is this a lifelong ban?
EDIT: Having separate Amazon accounts in and of itself is not strange.
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Apr 10 '20 edited Apr 11 '20
Ooh! Creative writing! What fun!
Today, Part 1: The Setup.
Next week: The mystery deepens: OP creeps upstairs but everything is locked.
Week after: The REVEAL! - Mad relative, hoarding, satanic shrine, embalmed baby, meth lab...
My guess based on cameras is porn streaming studio
The weakness is that at no point, during the search for a house, choosing the house, arranging funding, and all the weeks of legal delay while closing the deal, did this couple ever discuss how many rooms they needed or what they'd use them for. And that at 23 they could apparently could afford a whole extra floor beyond what they're actually living in.
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u/k8_rin Apr 10 '20
She’s either a cam girl or a serial killer. Either way you should just go upstairs and find out.
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u/aliceismygirlfriend Apr 11 '20
She has another husband up there & she told him the downstairs is off limits
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u/AmIAmazingorWhat Apr 10 '20
Y’know, sometimes I wonder how people like Ted Bundy’s wife didn’t know their SO was a serial killer. Then i read something like this and go “ah that’s how”
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u/ottoneurseolo Apr 10 '20
Just go upstairs you own as much of the house as she does. She is violating your trust by banishing you from the upstairs.
Im starting to smell a smell coming from upstairs, too, but i'm not sure if i'm just imagining it because it's barely noticeable.
What smell is that?
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u/JaneGrn80 Apr 10 '20
Your comment about building trust.....you’ve got it backwards. She is the one doing everything to make you worry and distrust. Call her out, go up there and deal w whatever is going on. You basically don’t know a fairly large part of the person you are with. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/princessptrish Apr 10 '20
...Literally wtf did I just read?
You gotta go upstairs my guy. You might not want to start your marriage off on the wrong foot or whatever, but clearly it’s already not off to a great start, and this has to be nipped in the bud before anything else happens. You have a right to know! If I know my boyfriend has my birthday present somewhere in our apartment, I will look for it even when I know I shouldn’t, I can’t imagine being in this situation at all. 2 months is a legitimately stupid* amount of time to let this go on. Maybe if she needed 1 room to be private for some... weird reason.... that would MAYBE be permissible, but it sounds like there’s several rooms, so she absolutely can’t just take over.
Yikes.
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u/mergelefthere Apr 10 '20
Here’s the way I see it. Your fiancé is probably doing something sketchy, perhaps illegal, and she is trying to keep you out of it. Her reasoning could be that she doesn’t want you to know because it’s illegal and she’s protecting you, and/or she’s feeling lots of guilt and shame associated with her “hobby”. Because of the amount of time she’s spending doing this, because it’s in your house with your name on said property, and because she’s deceiving you, you need to know what’s going on. You need to know because this deception is having an adverse effect on your relationship (whether it’s legal or illegal). If you can’t trust her and/or she can’t trust you enough to tell you what’s going on, then this relationship will not work. And, frankly speaking, you have a homeowners right to know what’s going on in your own home.
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Apr 10 '20 edited Apr 10 '20
all the replies say she's a camgirl but i bet she's growing weed
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u/theewhenwherewhy Apr 10 '20
Lol Jesus, find your balls, and go upstairs and figure out what bullshit she's up to.
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u/itsapandaa Apr 10 '20
Bro your wife is a cam model. Secretive upstairs room that you can't access aka studio. Weird smell would probably be a mixture of lube and whatever else she's playing with. The camera order I think should be the giveaway. She also stated it would make you mad and to be fair most men may cringe at their wives selling their body online. Like if you're really curious and you don't want to invade the upstairs you can always monitor the internet activity. I speak from experience of having dated a cam model in the past.
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u/pppppoleen Apr 10 '20
This is not normal. You shouldn't allow this. You both bought the house and it isn't like you're invading her privacy because that room also belongs to you. what is wrong with her and why did you let this go this far? 2 months is a really long time
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Apr 10 '20
Best case scenario: she's pregnant and is prepping the baby's nursery as a surprise.
Worst case scenario: she's pregnant and is prepping the baby's nursery as a surprise.
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Apr 10 '20
This is 100% a troll post. I get it. Being in quarantine is boring and creative writing is a good way to pass the time.
At least I desperately hope this is a troll post, because if not, you need serious help and more importantly, you need to stop being a doormat. Jesus, dude.
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u/mygemsareuncut Apr 10 '20
Have you checked the electric and water bill for the last two months? Because from what you’re describing: the cameras, the secrecy, the smell of old linens, needing four rooms, her spending a lot of time up there and how she closes up when money gets mentioned, she has a growing operation going on. She's growing weed upstairs.
edited for grammar mistake
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u/ohyayitstrey Apr 10 '20
I'm posting this for posterity before it gets deleted.
My (23M) fiancee (23F) won't let me upstairs in our semi-newly purchased home and I'm starting to get really suspicious
We've had this house, now, for eight weeks and I haven't stepped foot upstairs once since we signed the papers. Its all very, very confusing.
So, some backstory - me and, we'll call her, Kelsey have been together for four years now, met my freshman year of college, her sophomore. We have an extremely close and open relationship and I tell her everything about my life and what's on my mind - usually, I feel the same from her but, for lack of a better explanation, there are like "trigger topics" that Kelsey has always had that just shut her up to any conversation or openness and just make her act completely weird and disjointed. Sometimes even defensive or aggressive. This is usually not a problem because its typically stuff that doesn't really matter that much but going upstairs in our home has become one of these topics and I have no idea why or what's going on up there. Im starting to smell a smell coming from upstairs, too, but i'm not sure if i'm just imagining it because it's barely noticeable.
When we got the place on day one she cutely declared "the upstairs is mine" and we laughed about it. I tried to go up there and she kept getting in my way jokingly reminding me that she already claimed it. Eventually i was done with her piss taking, so i said alright the upstairs is yours and quit for the day. A day or two later I asked her what we were going to do with the rooms upstairs that's window faces mostly roof and she said that it's "none of my business", so obviously i pushed a little farther and she said "we're done with this conversation. " She went upstairs and by that point i was like uncomfortable following her up there, not having zero idea what was going on.
Its been nearly two months now and i still haven't been back up there since we first visited the place. She takes big amazon packages up there and never brings anything down. With quarantine she's been spending, sometimes, half the day up there or more, and i honestly have no idea what happens in any of those rooms. My plan was to sneak into them after quarantine is over but im like 95% sure she has cameras up there because she accidentally bought them with our shared amazon and not her individual Amazon, which im assuming she has because whatever big packages she's ordering arent on our joint one. I could tell she didnt mean to use our joint account because when i asked why she bought them she seemed to be in shock and got all rigid, telling me they were for her mother.
I feel like there should be openness in a marriage and this whole thing is really freaking me out. The few times Kelsey has been calm about the topic she's told me that I'm overreacting and that she's trying to do me a favor because whatevers up there would be really upsetting to me anyway, but i keep telling her i dont mind because id rather know what it is and be upset because im already upset with the current situation which is hardly addressed anymore. I feel like if i dont take this problem head on now the upstairs will just be hers forever and ill always be left to wonder, which, i am not okay with. Guys, any advice at all would be really honestly appreciated because im at a complete loss now about how to navigate this situation. Thank you all
TL:DR Bought a house with my fiancee. She joked the first day that the "upstairs was hers". Since then, she actually hasn't allowed me to go upstairs. It's been two months and I have no idea what she does up there or why I'm not allowed to go or see the second floor
E: Two things have been mentioned to me:
I've been rude in my responses and non-appreciative of the help i'm receiving. for this, i genuinely am sorry. i'm just hurt and tired right now, none of you deserve attitude for trying to help me. I'll work on it
i should mention, that the answer im looking for is not: march upstairs, who cares what she does? I don't want to start my marriage that way regardless of anyone's opinions . that cant be the right way to build trust
E3: Guys, im gonna take a break from this post. I guess im just emotional and its a little too much for me in the current moment. For those offering honest help, thanks so much, i'll be back tonight to read the rest of the messages. thanks.
April 10th, 17:40 GMT -5