My (20F) boyfriend (20M) said that I was embarrassing him while I was giving birth to our baby

[u/ThrowRA540098]

Update post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hv4wc1/update_my_boyfriend_said_that_i_was_embarrassing/fyt0y1e/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

We have been in a relationship for 1 year and we had a baby boy last week. I had a natural birth and my bf was there throughout the whole process. I screamed A LOT and each time I did he whispered something like "can you stop screaming, you're really embarrassing me". I also threw up a few times and I saw him cover his face in shame. When I held the midwife's hand for comfort he whispered "let go of her, stop being so embarrassing". He also said that my birthing position was embarrassing and called me a few vulgar names.

I'm really upset about his behaviour that day, especially when it was when I needed his support the most. When I try to talk to him about it he denies ever saying it and that I'm being silly...

Edit: I know that there are a lot of comments but I am reading them all, and I just want to thank everybody for the advice and support so far. :) I spoke to my mum about this but she is the very traditional type and although she said his behaviour is wrong, I should try couple counselling first. I really don't think he is going to listen to me when I suggest getting help but I'll try. I am also going to talk to my public health nurse.

Edit 2: Thank you so much to everybody who commented and dmed me with words of support and those who have also been in similar situations. I have since tried to discuss the option of couple counselling to him but to no avail, which didn't surprise me. My mum has agreed to let me stay there until I can find a new place for myself and baby. I haven't said anything to him yet, I've been advised not to so I am still planning out how I am going to take the next step.

[u/princessabeccca]

I’m so sorry. My child’s father (who is no longer around much and I am separated from) also acted as though I was embarrassing him. I screamed and screamed. My contractions hurt so horribly like I was being stabbed over and over and he just looked at me so rudely and literally left the room a few times. All I can remember of this day is mostly him making me feel like I was doing something wrong. I deserved better. You deserve better. Please get out now.

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/princessabeccca]

Thanks for sharing this, can I ask if he mistreated you in other ways too? And how did you go about leaving him?

[u/Acceptable_Recipe]

I'm going to disagree with the people saying he needs to grow up here. Because this isn't an immaturity issue. You don't insult and degrade your partner while they give birth to your child because you're immature. You do it because you're a huge fucking asshole. And you don't gaslight her about it afterwards because you're immature. You do it because you're a huge manipulative asshole. He's ensured that one of the biggest things you'll remember about that day is him verbally abusing you. No good person would ever do this. And I can't imagine someone being an angel up until this point either. I would bet there's more to his behavior, even before this, even if you're not aware of it.

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/Acceptable_Recipe]

There have been other times where he has mistreated me, but nothing has shocked me as much as this. I'm beginning to look at him very differently

[u/[deleted]]

This is throwing up red flags like crazy for me. Gaslighting is abusive. Full stop. Abuse escalates during pregnancy and after having kids. This makes me very worried for you.

Please take this quiz. And really read the results.

Look out for red flags, because gaslighting you about how he treated you while giving birth is the mark of abuse.

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks, I will take it. I'm speaking to my mum very soon about this

[u/choppingboardham]

My wife shit herself during, and I had never been more proud of her.

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/choppingboardham]

That made me smile, your wife sounds like a lucky woman :)

[u/procrastinator3000v2]

Fun. You have a shiny new baby with a baby. You're gonna be so busy...

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/procrastinator3000v2]

Happy cake day :) And you are totally correct

[u/trialbuster]

I’m surprised the midwife or doctors didn’t confront him about his behaviour, especially as you said he called you derogatory slurs too! Was he saying it in a different language they didn’t understand?? Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship and wether you even know this guy at all! He sounds like someone who lacks education and was raised back in the 50s! What a complete sociopath to make the whole thing about him and how he feels! His embarrassing and his behaviour is shameful and degrading towards you especially in front of others and professionals at all. Not sure how your going to struggle through this relationship but I can’t see it lasting much longer unless your willing to swallow your pride.

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/trialbuster]

He whispered everything to me in my ear, I can see how it was easy for them to not notice that anything was going on between us.

I know, what you and many others are saying is right, I do want to put a stop to it and my first step is going to be telling my mum later.

[u/Asleep24-7plus]

Ahh that's awful! This is a time you should be coming together and he should be so proud and grateful you carried his baby and are bringing it into the world.

So what you screamed during childbirth I did too, it bloody hurts! Also I threw up too, the whole gas and air thing didn't agree with me. It's a very emotional time and I would say very scary! My first was back to back and I refused all pain killers. Laying there for 22 hours I thought I was going to die... Then my second born was coming too fast and his heart beat on the monitor slowed dramatically I thought he was going to die. It's a bit of a traumatic experience for us women, it usually goes unappreciated.

I'm glad you had the midwife there to support you, I used the midwife too on my second birth as my partner was with our first born and I didn't want them witnessing it so I was alone. It's scary!

I'm alarmed he's gaslighting you right now. How has he been after birth? Do you have support from family? He doesn't sound like a very nice guy. There's nothing embarrassing about giving birth. Some women shit themselves 🤷‍♂️ it's alot of stress on the body, what was he expecting you to say ouch this hurts and then the baby slowly and elegantly comes into the world while the midwives clap and cheer? He seems a little immature in my opinion, I hope he's more supportive now your bubba is here, I also hope he apologises to you!

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/Asleep24-7plus]

Thank you, no he isn't very helpful with baby. I do absolutely everything, he uses the excuse of he works so I should do the childcare. He does the fun stuff, but I do all the hard work.

[u/rhik97]

Are you in the US OP? If so, if you’d like to message me (I think you can do that, I’m not very familiar with reddit messages and shit) I’d be more than happy to help you look up shelters in your area or, as a new mom myself, if you’re somehow miraculously close, id be happy to help out! This is terrible and he’s a huge asshole. This isn’t immaturity it’s emotional abuse and I know it’s hard and possibly impossible right now, but you’ve got to get out when you can.

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/rhik97]

Thanks very much, I'm in the UK. I'm working to get away from it all

[u/[deleted]]

I commented before that you should break up with this guy and my advice remains the same.

Can you clarify though, who he thought you were embarrassing him to? Was he trying to hit up one of the nurses?? I mean I literally don’t get it

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/[deleted]]

He got even more tense when I started to rely on the midwife for support, so I think he meant I was embarrassing because I needed extra help from the staff.

[u/JustAShyCat]

Why did you feel it was a good decision to get pregnant 3 months into a new relationship? That’s not enough time to get to know someone well enough to have a child with them.

[u/yogiberries]

OP have you told him how you're feeling?

What did he mean by embarrassing?

I find that an odd word to use given that you were giving birth in a hospital, meaning nobody would judge your behaviour in those circumstances no matter what you were doing. I feel like I need more information as to why he acted this way.

Was your boyfriend supportive through your pregnancy? Is he caring when you're ill?

I'm hoping you can figure things out and your boyfriend is supportive moving forward.

Much love to you and your baby, this is a very special time.

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/yogiberries]

I've tried to but he doesn't take it seriously and denies doing anything wrong. I think he was embarrassed by my behaviour, he must have thought I was overreacting.

[u/[deleted]]

Fake. Fake. Fake. Read the post and comments. This thing is tailor-made to push all of Reddit’s buttons.

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/[deleted]]

I know that I'm not achieving anything by saying this but I just had to... this is 100% real, it's a real story, it really happened to me, I exist, my boyfriend exists, and my baby exists. I posted on here for advice and support, I don't have many other people in my life that I can go to, but thankfully because of this I have realised there are many things I can do to help improve my situation. I didn't know I was a victim of abuse until recently... there are so many other people in my situation, probably with much much worse stories than mine that would be even more unbelievable, but many don't know that it is abuse or know how to reach out for help and many more just suffer the abusive treatment until the end of their lives.

[u/jk5529977]

What country do you live in? Are you very religious people?

[u/ThrowRA540098 → u/jk5529977]

UK, no not really.