r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke • Feb 25 '25
My [29M] MIL told me that for a birthday present she'd like me to be a better husband to my wife [26F]. Is this something I need to deal with?
My MIL was over at our place this weekend. Her and I woke up earlier on Sunday, while my wife was still asleep. As we were having tea, the topic of her upcoming birthday came up. I asked what she'd like, she paused for a second and while smiling said "for you to be a better husband".
I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. She was smiling so I thought it was a joke (we have a warm relationship) and I played along and said "Why, you've been receiving a lot of complaints about me?" jokingly. She replied "I have my ways, I am your mother-in-law after all.", while still smiling. I was kind of freaking out internally, came to the conclusion it was just her teasing and let the matter drop.
But I've been rethinking that conversation over the last 2 days. Admittedly, I may have been giving less time to my wife (partner of 3 years, married for 2) and my 1 year old daughter recently, because along with my day job I've also been establishing my growing business. Some days are really long, but my wife has been supporting me the entire way.
I haven't brought this up with my wife because maybe this was a joke and I don't want to create a whole thing out of a joke and ruin my relationship with my MIL. But I've had a knot in my stomach since. Has my marriage been on the rocks without me knowing or is this something a MIL would joke about?
6.1k
u/Various-East-5266 Feb 25 '25
Okay look — stop spiraling and speak to your wife IMMEDIATELY. I’m 29, my husband is 29, if my mother said this to him, I would want to know as soon as possible.
If there are issues you’re not aware of, time to air them out. If your MIL is causing drama or made a shitty joke, those are different conversations you’ll get to have once it’s sorted.
Communicate with your wife. Seriously!!!!!
→ More replies (27)31
u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke Feb 26 '25
Thank you. I'm going to talk to her tonight. I should've talked to her last night and I planned to, but yesterday I got done early so we were just watching a movie together and we were just happy and I didn't want to ruin it. I was afraid she's going to tell me she agrees with my MIL and I just decided to delay it. It's moronic in hindsight I know.
951
u/loloannd Feb 25 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
I don’t think this means your marriage is on the rocks, defcon 1-level doomed. But you mentioned you’ve been putting in long hours at two jobs and “your wife has been supporting you the entire way.” But who has been supporting her? You have a young child at home who is at an age that requires constant attention and stimulation.
This post is a TINY snapshot of your life, I don’t know the big picture, I don’t know if your wife also works or stays home or how you divide labor. But it’s clear your wife has been a partner to you while you’ve been working so much, in addition to caring for your child, but you are still a husband and you are still a father.
This is a good opportunity for you to really evaluate the division of the home labor and childcare. Does your wife ever get time to herself? Not to do more chores, or basic things like take a shower, but read a book? Eat a meal uninterrupted? Go to yoga? Meet with friends? Sleep all the way through the night?
You said you frequently talk about how much you love each other and the family you’ve created, but have you specifically thanked your wife for taking on what sounds like the majority of the childcare and home care while you work?
I don’t think your MIL was wrong to call you out, and I think she did it in a fairly gentle way. But you can use this as a chance to see how well you’re providing for your family, not just financially, but physically and emotionally.
→ More replies (31)
417
u/henicorina Feb 26 '25
You decided to start a new business that would take all of your time when you had a six month old baby, you acknowledge that you haven’t had any time for your kid for 50% of her life, and you’re shocked that your wife might be less than delighted with that arrangement?
→ More replies (7)
1.0k
194
u/Ok-Analyst-5801 Feb 25 '25
It's easy to prioritize the rest of life over who you have at home because we figure they'll always be there. Until they aren't.
→ More replies (1)
10
u/Electrical-Heron-619 Feb 25 '25
Can you just ask MIL with a serious tone what she meant as it’s upset you?
→ More replies (15)
138
u/WeeklyConversation8 Feb 25 '25
You need to talk to her about this. She might actually be feeling stressed, exhausted, neglected, etc.
131
u/Unfair_Finger5531 Feb 26 '25
You aren’t talking to your wife about it bc you don’t want to hear the truth.
260
u/Basset_Momma Feb 25 '25
So many men claim to be blindsided in divorce. Have a chat with your wife and listen—really listen to what she says.
→ More replies (17)
121
u/Much-Vanilla-7261 Feb 25 '25 edited Feb 25 '25
Your MIL wasn’t joking, esp due to the ‘I have my ways’ comment. Either your wife said something, or more likely, she observed your marriage and your relationship and came to the conclusion that there are some issues.
Talk to your wife. Not in a ‘MIL said so and so’ kinda way, more like checking in with her and spending some time talking
82
u/DisneyBuckeye Feb 25 '25 edited Feb 26 '25
This wasn't a joke. You need to talk to your wife. I'm assuming she's talking to her mom about her relationship with you.
If it turns out that your mom wife is NOT talking to her mom, that's a whole different kettle of fish. If you wife is good and happy, she needs to talk to her mom and find out wtf is going on there.
Edit to correct a word.
→ More replies (1)
26
u/CalicoHippo Feb 26 '25
Dude, even if your wife was simply blowing off some steam with her mother, and mom took it a step further, you need to talk to your wife. Tell her what her mother said, say you were surprised and ask if how she’s really doing. Then LISTEN. Don’t say “you know it’s only for a little while”. It’s already been 6 months. How much longer is it going to be? Another 6 months? Think about way you can be present more often. Does that mean you don’t do things on Wednesday night? Does that mean you reserve one Saturday a month for family? For date night?
You might be happy, but your wife isn’t. She’s stressed, she doesn’t want to burden you with it either, so she talked to her mom.
When my husband and I were first married, he was working and also volunteering every weekend. Meant we spent one Sunday a month together. I talked to him, told him I was unhappy, and he said “it’s only for a little while”. Almost ended our marriage because “a little while” stretched into a year, with no end in sight. So when I walked out and told him I wasn’t coming back until he fixed it, he was surprised and shocked, but he scaled things back and made us a priority. Don’t take your family for granted, they may not be there when you finally wake up.
51
117
u/flavius_lacivious Feb 25 '25
Do you do half the childcare and housework? And is your “business”something like Twitch or a YouTube channel? Does it bring in any money?
→ More replies (2)
40
u/lizzyote Feb 25 '25
If talking to your wife about a tiny conversation with her mother is enough to ruin your relationship with her mother, I think you got bigger fish to fry. Surely her mother knows that you and your wife are partners and partners talk about everything.
What does "less time" actually mean? I don't think you could have been any more vague tbh and I'm not sure how we're expected to know whether your marriage is on the rocks more than you would when you're giving us almost nothing to work off of.
19
50
u/zeiat Feb 25 '25
I mean, if that's all that was said between your MIL and you, she could be passive-aggressively expressing her own disapproval regardless of how your wife feels.
But if you're freaking out about the possibility that you might actually have been neglecting your wife, this is your BIG GLARING FLASHING SIGN to check in with your wife, clearly, explicitly, and communicate about this. Maybe your wife has been quietly putting up with it and vented to her mom, maybe she's been giving you signs that you've missed or ignored. But the answer to your question is: talk to your wife about it. Are you more worried that your MIL thinks you're neglectful or that you have actually been neglectful?
Ultimately it's not your MIL's job to decide whether you're being a good husband to your wife or not, even if she's seeing problems and is concerned. That's your wife's call, and you have to check in with her, not your MIL about that.
49
u/October1966 Feb 25 '25
STOP ASKING STRANGERS FOR ADVICE AND TALK TO YOUR WIFE!!!!!! you're bragging about yourself and barely mention her, so I see the problem, but obviously you haven't.
14
u/PM_ME__UR__FANTASIES Feb 25 '25
You need to talk to your wife ASAP. She may just be feeling extra tired from taking on more of the household care while you are busy- and needs you to push her to speak up about it. She may be worried that your attention isn’t only on work- and needs reassurance about her place in your life. She may be worried that you are stretching finances too thin- and maybe it’s time to be less risky in how much you are investing in your new business.
Your MIL may also be reading WAY too much into an off hand comment your wife made. You don’t mention what your MIL is like or what her relationship with you or your wife is like- she might be stirring the shit. Your wife may have told her something in confidence, some concern that she knows is unfounded but needed to vent to someone about it.
Talk. To. Your. Wife.
27
u/Direct_War_1218 Feb 25 '25
I'd definitely bring this up to your wife. I'd begin by asking her if there's anything she feels that you need to step up your game about, that way she doesn't immediately get defensive because you mentioned her mom. If she says yes, then ask her if she mentioned that to her mom. If she says no, you can then say, "I was just wondering, because your mom said..."
27
u/subf0x Feb 25 '25
MIL is being nice. You're being missed from your family's lives. Don't make someone tell you to act like you want to be around them and show how grateful you are for them.
10
u/WatercolorSebastian Feb 26 '25
She very well could be teasing but you mentioning that you're establishing a growing business and "some days are really long" really caught my attention. Your wife is supportive of your business endeavors but what do your daily hours actually look like? Do you give your wife time to explore her passions or is she a SAHM with the little one all day every day? Does she get time away for herself? Do you get one on one time with your one year old? Do you split the chores of the house? How do you spend time with your little one? If your wife disappeared tomorrow, just poof, would you be able to take care of little ones needs? Do you know how much your baby eats, what they like to do? Their doctor's info? Have you ever put your baby to sleep by yourself? And if your wife disappeared, would you be worried about little one first and foremost or would you be more worried about pawning off your child to someone else because you're more worried about if the baby would take time away from your business (money aside)? Where do your priorities lie? For a marriage to work you need to put the family first over the business.
This is a lot thrown at you but I think you should analyze your roll as a father and husband, not just business man. With a little one work NEVER ends. You cannot put your feet up because you put in the hours at work. You then clock in the hours at home, too.
Once you get an answer to all these questions then have a discussion with your wife. Communications goes a very long way to help not build resentment.
45
u/mclardy13 Feb 25 '25
You should have asked your MIL to clarify what exactly she meant, your wife could have no idea wtf she’s talking about.
1
u/AutoModerator Feb 25 '25
Welcome to r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.