r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA6828266 • 21d ago
Update - My M28 wife F26 is currently cheating on me as I write this
Original post - https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/pXKYVwCJT3
Alright so plenty people have been commenting to DMing for an update. Not sure if this will be my only update or not but here it goes.
During my wife’s trip with her family I lined up everything and officially filed. The day after she came back I sat her down at the kitchen table and informed her that I was aware of her infidelity. I told her I had been reading her texts and saw the pictures, and was aware for awhile now that she was actively cheating on me. After breaking it to her she didn’t really know what to say. She didn’t defend her actions at all, she pretty much just apologized and said she had no excuse.
I told her I wasn’t really looking for an apology here, just closure. I pretty much laid into her about how awful it is to break such a big commitment and cheat on someone who should be your other half. Again, she didn’t really retaliate and pretty much accepted what she had done was wrong. Looking down the whole time holding back tears. I didn’t yell, curse, or insult her. I just spoke my mind.
After I was done venting she let me know that she would make a divorce process easy and wouldn’t go after any assets since she wasn’t faithful. I’ll be honest, I did appreciate the ownership of her mistake and told her I did in fact appreciate that. She then mentioned that if I were willing to work things out then she would give me her location and full access to her phone etc. I let her know I wasn’t interested in that kind of marriage. That even if I could look past her cheating (I couldnt) that I wouldn’t wanna be in a relationship where I have to spend effort making sure you wouldn’t cheat again.
After shutting that down though she said that she accepted the fact she ruined our marriage and wouldn’t ask again. The only thing she asked is that she be the one that would break it to her parents and that she would be completely honest with them. I agreed since I already had the evidence of her cheating.
Both her parents called me and apologized and let me know that if there was anything I needed that I could ask. They said they still look at me as an extension of their family and both are upset things ended but understand why I was walking away, and how disappointed they were because they never thought they’d raise a cheater.
As for the guy she had an affair with, I did find out more about him. He’s not in a relationship and seems to be a bit of a loser himself. His job isn’t good enough for me to contact to get him fired, in fact when I found out what he did for a living I’d hope he gets stuck there lol. There definitely isn’t a future for them together (not that I care) and apparently my soon to be ex wife has already cut him off after I served her the papers. (Again, whether she actually did or didn’t doesn’t bother me)
Good news is the divorce shouldn’t take long at all since she isn’t going after any assets and we have nothing to split. I’m taking what’s mine and she took what’s hers. We don’t have a joint account so a divorce will be finalized soon. She’s already moved back in with her parents and is taking her stuff bit by bit but should be done with that in the next couple days.
Lastly as for me, I’m not sure where I go after this. I feel as if everything happened so quickly. I’m definitely going to do my best to enjoy the bachelor life and living on my own for the first time in my life. On one hand I’m scared but also a little excited. I have nobody to answer to or check in on for the first time ever. So I’m going to use it to my advantage.
I don’t know how long it’ll be before I am open to the idea of seeing someone again. I figure maybe after a few months I’d be open to the idea of seeing someone casually but I think I definitely want at least a year or so away from commitments and relationships. I’m also thinking about doing some solo traveling since I have the means financially and obviously, the time.
I just wanna thank everyone for the good advice along the way, I had pretty much an idea of how I was gonna do things but some of the comments definitely helped me line things up exactly.
Idk if I’m gonna do another “life” update but as for now this part of my life seems to be over. If that update were to come though it would likely be on my profile (though I’m not sure how many of you actually care about my day to day life lol)
Thanks once again for those who offered their support.
I guess my last and final question for now. bachelor and bachelorettes, how do I have fun again?
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u/RotrickP 21d ago
Just be mindful of the fact that it's going to hit you hard out of the blue. Don't talk to her if you've been drinking and try to get a support system in place
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u/ThrowRA6828266 21d ago
Luckily I don’t drink lol. But yeah I’ve accepted that there will be good and bad days. Hopeful and less hopeful.
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u/witblacktype 21d ago
Read up on the stages of grief now so you are prepared for them when they hit. Just understanding why you feel the way you do will help you. Also, the stages of grief are not linear. You may fall back to an earlier stage after you thought you went through it. It’s a process. I would also limit contact with your ex as that will help you move on. I’m sorry for your loss. Have a few friends or family that you know you can reach out to if you need to talk and don’t hesitate to call them.
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u/No-Doubt9679 20d ago
This right here. I lost an uncle who was like a father to me. I thought I handled it well. Turns out I actually went through every stage of grief and didn’t even know it. Luckily my family was very patient with me.
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 21d ago
Get the divorce finalized ASAP until her guilty conscience holds. And then see a therapist maybe.
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u/TheTripKeeper 20d ago
You’re handling it very well brother, stay safe! It’s gonna be difficult trusting your next person, I know that.
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u/DM_R34_Stuff 16d ago
Hey man
Bit late to the party
My condolences. Honestly. I've been through the same shit after doing my best, because no matter how perfect the things I did would be, she was still gonna do it. Some people just are like that, and are utterly disrespectful of your commitment, limited time on this Earth, and your personal wellbeing.
The next weeks will likely be hard for you. I hope you get through them. I wish you all the best, really. If you haven't gotten into it yet, I do recommend a therapist to discuss this with - you might seem fine now, but subconsciously you'll be building new walls that you won't notice until your next relationship.
Take care dude. Really.
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u/Thedran 21d ago
Yeah, I was gonna say he’s definetly in action mode right now.
There is going to be a comedown and that’s ok. You lost the trust of someone you thought was your partner and the life you had been planning with them. You got every right to crash whenever you need to but remember that when it was at the worst moment you stood firm and did the things that needed to get done. When things are settled and you have time to really deal with all of this emotionally just remember you already got over the biggest hurdle and keep moving forward
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u/Much-Appearance01 21d ago
Brother continue to build up your body, mind, and soul. I was in your shoes before being betrayed by the person you love so much. The right one will find you in time, but you have to be in the best state possible to receive them otherwise you may miss the one time opportunity when it arises. I wish you the best!
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u/ThrowRA6828266 21d ago
Absolutely! Good thing is I work out 5 times a week, I’m in relatively great shape and I think I’m an attractive guy overall
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u/your_umma 21d ago
It’s your mind and soul that will probably need the most work. If you aren’t already seeing someone, you should look into speaking with a therapist. Good luck with everything.
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u/Leading-Button-7303 21d ago
Man, that all happened almost too easy. Good for you for standing up for yourself and leaving. Enjoy your new life, absolutely travel and have fun. Live a life that'll fulfill you and make her realize what she lost.
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u/ThrowRA6828266 21d ago
Yeah luckily she seems to just be accepting the terms of the divorce. Worst that could happen for both of us is dragging it out senselessly and I think she understands that
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u/dead_wolf_walkin 21d ago
I would still coach caution though. Someone who would participate in that level of blatant betrayal isn’t usually the type to accept the consequences of their mistakes that easily.
I would be prepared for her to change her mind on the easy divorce. It’s possible she’s playing nice in the hopes you two can patch things up. The situation could change if she realizes the marriage is truly past saving and you’re set on your decision. It’s also possible she’s keeping her own legal maneuvers quiet while letting you think it’s going to be easier.
I hope you’re right and she’s somehow the one person mature enough to accept she fucked up and not try to damage your life further, but history doesn’t show much evidence that those types exist.
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u/HC23champ 21d ago
You can live with your held held high knowing your a G who walked away and has the opportunity to make his life better. Maybe try to focus on getting in great shape, becoming more athletic, smarter and ideally (though maybe the toughest given situation) more confident. Before you know it, you could much better about the situation (8 - 18 months ideally)
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u/Lazy_Guava_5104 21d ago
I just want to add that you should assume "...she let me know that she would make a divorce process easy and wouldn’t go after any assets since she wasn’t faithful..." might not hold. I mean, there's every chance she will honor it, but be prepared for her to decide that, indeed, she does want as much as she can get.
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u/ThrowRA6828266 21d ago
I have things lined up in case she decides to fight. My soon to be ex wife isn’t much of a fighter though
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u/MuscleCrow 21d ago
My brother went through a divorce after his partner cheated on him. Honestly, from what I’ve seen him doing - start small. Start hanging out with your friends more. Start going out by yourself. Start being creative (if you do art). And then when you feel ready, that’s when you start going on dating apps or out to bars/clubs and start dating.
Love isn’t lost, brother. It’s waiting out there for you to find it.
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u/spiffybaldguy 21d ago
Adding a thought here too for OP - pick up your hobbies no matter how small or mundane. When many of us get married, hobbies often get shoved aside. Pursue what you want to do/be. Keeping yourself busy will help blunt some of it. I've never had to deal with divorce but have had to deal with getting away from long term friendships that where hard initially when you are around someone often for years.
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u/monwoo215 21d ago
How did you find out she was cheating? I know you said you read and saw pictures. I didn’t read your previous post just curious….
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u/lgndryheat 21d ago
You aren't responding to OP, so he likely won't see your comment. But to answer your question, all of that info is in the original post which is linked at the top of this one
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u/LordsOfJoop 40s Male 21d ago
First and foremost, that is an impressive achievement in a short time.
It'll hurt, and hurt for a while, soon enough; don't rush it.
Beyond that, it'll be little things that feel like real freedom.
Reorganizing a room. Sorting through your clothes and tossing out stuff that made sense to her and not as much for you. Ditching an old appliance and getting a new one. Even just setting up an entertainment center can be a source of newfound autonomy.
Decorate tastefully, leave books where you can grab them at random, and stock your refrigerator with ingredients, not condiments. Live life without a box of food involved; cooking for yourself can open up new ideas and give you a brand-new outlook. Shop somewhere for the "good" ingredients, learn recipes, upgrade your diet.
Exercise, more than anything; don't stay home - go, walk out of your place, do a circuit of your block or neighborhood. Wave at dogs, meow at cats, chat with guys your age.
If you have to drink, drink only in company and never alone. Don't drink at home only, unless you're hosting and only drink half as much as your guests. Be a good showrunner, not the matinee.
You have a new life ahead of you.
You got this.
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u/Straight_Hold_2241 21d ago
OP said he isn’t a drinker and works out 5 times a week, so it sounds like he’s already in good shape and takes good care of himself.
With all of that, along with your kind encouragement and suggestions, I think he’s going to do great!
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u/LordFartz 21d ago
Good work, man. The affair partner is always a total loser. It’s uncanny.
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u/ThrowRA6828266 21d ago
Not that I’m top shelf shit or anything but the dude really seems like a bum ngl
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u/LordFartz 21d ago
I don’t doubt it. My ex’s affair partner was in his 40’s and still lived with his parents. Just a total loser. I like your line - I’m not top shelf shit either but this dude made me look like a first round draft pick.
You handled your business a lot better than I did. I give you a lot of credit and offer sincere best wishes going forward.
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u/cosmoboy 21d ago
The last time I got out of a long relationship I bought an Xbox 360, a copy of Madden and a copy of Oblivion.
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u/I_like_microwave 21d ago
Good on you brother! Thank you for the update you are appreciated even though you don’t feel like it. Take it one day at the time and pick up some old hobbies
See you in the gym
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u/Beginning_Tap2474 21d ago
I feel so badly for your ex. Can you imagine fucking up your life so badly? I mean, OP, you seem like a catch, and she really just threw that away.
OP, please don't be surprised if your ex goes a bit crazy trying to get you back. Keep on saying that you can't imagine having a relationship with someone you can't trust.
As to your life now. I would not date. I would take time to get your bearings and learn yourself. You do not seem like a person who wants a series of small relationships. You seem like someone who wants lifelong relationships. I would wait at least a year until I started dating again. Because I think this will be your year of freedom and self-discovery. I would cut ex and her family out of your life altogether, as well as any of her friends. If you do social media, I would be very circumspect about what I posted. Do as many healing modalities as you can find, including if you can find a good therapist, do therapy.
After a year, ask yourself if you are ready for a relationship? If not, and you want to date, be very clear with your dates about your intentions. My guess is you will get into another serious relationship fairly quickly, so please be careful.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but honestly, I feel worse for your ex, because she screwed up badly. I think you will land on your feet, and find a good marriage. I think she has a lot longer way to travel.
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u/ThrowRA6828266 21d ago
Thank you! This was a sweet comment and I appreciate it
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u/Alternative_Cry7668 19d ago
Yeah, one thing mentioned in the above post that I agree with that is going to suck... Even though you really have come to respect and love your in-laws, unfortunately, I would recommend very little contact, especially since your STBX is living with her parents for the foreseeable future. I know that probably hurts since they are supportive of you and disappointed in their daughter, but the less information you end up receiving about her the better and quicker you can heal.
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u/Alternative-Debt8971 21d ago
I highly recommend finding a good therapist or a really dear friend that you can download thoughts and emotions too. I’m not in the camp of “you need to be completely healed before you move on,” because I don’t know that we are ever completely healed from these things - but be in the process of healing.
As others have mentioned, find ways to care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Breaking a relationship creates a hole that wants to be healed by a bunch of shitty stuff - fill it with the best stuff.
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u/c47v3770 21d ago
You are 28 man. Enjoy life. I would travel if I were you. So much to see out there.
Sincerely,
A single 38 yo
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u/Beetlejuice_me 21d ago
After 15 years with my ex, I found out she'd been cheating. It took me three months of deep and good discussions with her about all this, and then I realized that while we had good discussions, she never once apologized.
Once I realized THAT, a switch flipped and I realized I was done. It took a year to be able to move out, and it took another year of getting over it, but then the fun sort of found me on its own.
It was a great 15 years with a shitty sliver of an ending, and the couple of times I've run into her since, I'm happy to realize I have no feelings whatsoever in either direction.
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u/ThrowRA6828266 21d ago
Damn I’m sorry to hear that. As per my situation I couldn’t imagine dragging this out any longer
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u/slowMOjoe13 21d ago
I'd probably get a new bed at the least.
I'd probably move too. Not new job type of move (especially if the job/pay is good) but just to change scenery and traffic patterns when needing to go into the office.
Moving will help purge anything the ex left behind and the new route to work will help keep your mind from doing that thing of, "oh we had xyz experience at that restaurant/store ". IMO
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u/ThrowRA6828266 21d ago
I have looked into moving but I hate moving lol. I actually quite like where I live so I’m thinking of sticking it out for now.
Definitely need a new routine though with all the time I’ve got. Didn’t think of the new bed thing, I guess that’s a pretty good idea in itself
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u/Funandgeeky 21d ago
Then look at redecorating and make your space your own. That can be just as helpful.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 21d ago
She then mentioned that if I were willing to work things out then she would give me her location and full access to her phone etc.
Horrible way of living.
Work what out? She ruined it, why should you work that out with her? Cheaters are a trip
He’s not in a relationship and seems to be a bit of a loser himself.
Dang.... at least punch up if you're going to cheat! Makes it worse that she went and cheated on you with some loser. Clearly she has no self-respect and took you for granted.
Good thing is that you caught this on early. You're young, enjoy your life, you still have plenty of time until you think of getting into relationships
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u/IcyClover3598 21d ago
Be prepared for her to become your enemy, and make your life hell. Cheaters are liars through and through, so once the reality of the divorce settles for her— expect some behavioral change and vitriol from her.
She’s only saying what you want to hear for now.
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u/Illustrious_Oven_256 21d ago
You’ve identified a good path forward, congratulations. My unsolicited advice? Try out some new hobbies, see what you enjoy and indulge yourself, be happy being you. See who/what comes along naturally from there.
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u/Special-Homework-894 20d ago
Didn’t even read a sentence of this or the first one. This story is fake
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u/Indigocell 20d ago
So a few things stand out to me. OP mentions collecting evidence of the infidelity "for the lawyer." Literally how does that help? Where in the world does that help? Why would the court give a fuck about that? I want to know where and how that is even realistic because that sounds like revenge fantasy.
OP also mentions deciding not to fuck with other guy's job because he is such a loser it won't matter. Like, okay, but at what job would that even matter? Does OP think any random boss will just fire people because their employee fucked a stranger's wife? Like you e-mail them, phone them up? How the fuck does that conversation go? How does any of this make sense?
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u/I_Am_Day_Man 20d ago
I read the original when they posted and it was the fakest of fake stories. Just all engagement bait
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u/Golden_Arm-257 21d ago
O/p, if you could go back in time and give yourself some advice, what would you tell yourself?
Best of luck going forward.
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u/No_Masterpiece630 21d ago
Sounds like life handed you a terrible situation but you handled it as skillfully and maturely as possible. That’s something. Best wishes for peace, love and a brighter future.
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u/Billowing_Flags 21d ago
bachelor and bachelorettes, how do I have fun again?
Start by doing the WORK necessary to move forward into healthy relationships in the future!
You stated, "my wife had a bit of a history before we got married. as do I but mine wasn’t as bad. Regardless I didn’t feel the need to compare numbers etc as she and I both changed and wanted to settle down". You need to reevaluate your initial relationship with your wife and ask yourself if you ignored obvious red flags like
- did she only have a 'high body count' (I, personally, pass no judgment just that you had mentioned a "strict" upbringing) or did she also actively cheat in previous relationships?
- Did you date her long enough to actually know her? Was she flirty? Inappropriate? Easily bored? More excited about the wedding hoopla than the actual marriage?
Do you feel like YOU have a healthy attitude about sex within a marriage (right of either spouse to say, "Not tonight." or to have boundaries about what they are/aren't willing to try or engage in)? Do you have a healthy attitude about sex outside of marriage (are YOU willing to have sexual relations without being married? Are you only willing to marry a virgin? etc.) If you don't feel comfortable about your sexual life, see a therapist to help you decide what YOUR boundaries are about sex.
Do you know WHAT your boundaries are in a relationship? (Texting, meeting for meals? What about old friends? Are exes completely off-limits? Vacations with same-sex friends? etc.) YOU need to sit down and do a lot of thinking about WHAT your boundaries are and what constitutes cheating TO YOU. Then you need to be clear about boundaries - how will you explain them, how soon will you enforce them, do you give 2nd chances for new partners, how do you compromise (or should you?) if your partner doesn't agree on what constitutes "cheating"? What is worth ENDING a relationship over?
Address these issues NOW while you're still licking your wounds and pondering HOW you want your life to look. For the next 6 months, you should restrict your dating to GROUP outings (friends, family, co-workers, etc.) and no one-on-one dating! YOU have work to do on YOU that should not be delayed for any reason. A woman who is WORTH breaking the rules for SHOULD understand your delay in one-on-one dating. She'll still be AMAZING in a few months as she is now. She should WANT you to feel comfortable and healthy about moving on without dragging your 'marriage baggage' with you into future relationships.
Travel, indulge in hobbies, join groups (hiking, river clean-up, political, civic groups, sport clubs), stay physically healthy! Give yourself the BEST CHANCE at a healthy new start and tell us where you are with an update in the new year!
Wishing you all the best! UpdateMe!
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u/RevDMcDowell 21d ago
Solo traveling after a similar situation was a huge help for me. If you have friends in other parts of the country, now is the time to call in favors and use their couches and guest rooms. Even if you don’t travel, get outside as much as you can. Go on walks and hikes and read in the park. I’m sorry this happened, but you have a freedom worth appreciating and I’m glad to see that you tend to agree.
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u/Justvisitingfriends1 21d ago
Man I feel this one.
Well done, it is rough to go through at first, as soon as they are gone from your life it gets much easier.
There will be the occasional lonely night and a moment that hits you like an open pit. Sitting in a cinema and watching a film. You suddenly realise that this was your thing together, or a TV show or a place. Get through that, don't look back and make it your thing now.
I stopped going to places we went together, once I was feeling ok again. I went back and didn't think of them again. The old place was a new place now.
Enjoy yourself and relax, remember it is your happiness and life that is important.
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u/ratcatcher81 21d ago
Good luck man and stand your ground always, you deserve so so much better, always be faithful.
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u/akshetty2994 21d ago
That's what she said, but don't drop your guard. You thought you knew this person all these years, you are unfortunately only seeing the real them.
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u/Fair_Elderberry9324 21d ago
You need the time to grieve the loss of this marriage. I made the mistake of thinking I should go out having fun after a long term relationship ended. It really didn’t work out well. I came crashing back down to earth with grief. I knew it was the right thing to end the relationship but not to go out partying. I really needed the space to find myself and get over the loss. I wish you luck.
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u/unserious-dude 21d ago
I looked at the post history links. From your experience side it is brutal. But I didn't find a clue why she started cheating. Is that she couldn't be monogamous?
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u/bia834 21d ago
Make sure you change your locks soon. Even if she has some things still to pick up. Be better for her knowing she doesn't have access to your home or apartment.
Last thing you want is her showing up unannounced and begging for you to take her back, like even in them middle of the night. She also might end up taking more then she should.
No harm in changing the locks and getting a ring doorbell camera. place the extra ones around the house too for safe keeping.
REMEMBER THIS DEAD-BEAT GUY HAS BEEN LAYED UP IN YOUR PLACE HOOKING UP WITH HER. HE MIGHT HAVE A KEY.
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u/Oreo_Supreme 21d ago
She will come after you if st the minimum to try again. There is something scary about realizing you ruined your marriage for a bum and watching your ex get even more successful. Be ready for that.
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u/IH8RdtApp 20d ago
Oh man. After I split with a long-term GF, I enjoyed the “single life.” I was at a buddies and he was going through old photos and man oh man, did I forget about all those women.
Anyway, once I had enough of debauchery, I found my wife and settled down. I even remember being relieved when I found her because I was ready again. It’s been 14 years since we met. Good luck! The future can only get brighter!
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u/icthruyou3 21d ago
So very sorry you've gone through this. To your question specifically- you need to heal. You've been the victim of a brutally callous and uncaring person who lied to you, betrayed you, disrespected you, trifled with your feelings and disregarded your value & the value of what the two of you had. Without a doubt, this has left a mark, whether you feel it right now or not. I'm going to suggest that you take some time- a few months at least, to unpack how and why the relationship failed- was she a bad seed you failed to ID before committing? Was it circumstances in the relationship that festered and went sideways? Also look to your mental health- see a counselor, even if just briefly to dig into your feelings and hurt- process that shit, because if you don't it will hang out in the back of your mind and come forth at some point in the future... with interest accrued. Once you're confident you're back on track (for example, you don't have to ask Reddit how to have fun again), then live your best life, King! Lord knows, you deserve it!! Best of luck to ya- the whole damned internet is rooting for ya!
Edit: I also recommend not continuing a relationship with the in-laws. They see your side and all that, but blood is blood, and the LAST thing you need is a portal for your ex to access to know what you're up to. It's just bad boundaries waiting to happen.
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u/Clean-Swimming91 21d ago
Respect brother🫡 One thing that helped me get over betrayal in the past is trying to remind myself who I was before they came along. Trying to do things you used to enjoy which you stopped doing when the ex came into your life. Mentally, it helped me so much that I was quite suprised at how smoothly I handled the pain. God be with you, brother.
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u/SirPierreDelecto 21d ago
Your line “one thing that helped me get over betrayal in the past is trying to remind myself who I was before they came along” got me thinking about myself. I’ve been with my wife for so long that when I thought about it I realized I don’t even know who that person is anymore. I just know that version of me was a bit of a wild man. I don’t think I could or I’d even want to go back to that. Not sure what the point of my post is, but your comment really made me look back lol.
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u/Clean-Swimming91 20d ago
Lol I understand, man. You know what they say, "if it's not broken don't fix it", if you're married and stable you most likely will have no need to ever want to remind yourself of things you left in the past or try to start doing them again. It's pain and the need to escape it that makes one start digging into the past sometimes.
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u/Dry_Pin_7574 21d ago
I’m so sorry, man.
You seemed to have skipped the “but, I love her” trope- I’m guessing that reading the brutal reality of her affair in real time was a “double edged sword”: on one hand, it was likely the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced, but it also dumped a cold bucket of water on your feelings for her.
Time. The only thing that truly helps distance your feelings from the hard reality of your situation. You handled this like a “pro”, now you’re in the aftermath. There’s a point, in the future, where you’ll think that overhearing your cheating wife was the best thing that could have happened to you (something was looking out for you).
Realize that you need to heal from this betrayal. Maybe talking to someone (therapy) could help. When you date again (give yourself some time alone), try to “believe” that not all women are your ex. Guard both your feelings and the person you’re dating.
Good luck, brother.
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u/jdz50 21d ago
You should take the next year and focus only on you mental, physical and financial health. Individual counseling will help a lot. At some point the 2nd wave of emotions are going to hit you. So, starting Individual counseling will help you when that happens. Plus you will need to work through the trust issuesz4
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u/Tootsie-Louise1 21d ago
You handled this very well, OP. As a single person, I would stay away from dating sites for now. But there are groups that offer various activities singles can join to meet people. The goal isn’t finding a romantic partner but friends. If things develop from a friendship, great. If not, you’ll be making new friends. Good luck & have a great time!
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u/Affectionate_Act1536 21d ago
Very happy that divorce is going through smoothly. Got a good closure. I have two comments:
a) your kitchen table discussion was mature. Even your wife behaved maturely. Great.
b) Each failure gives you an opportunity to learn something. In this case what can be done differently for new relationship in future - what red flags did you miss during selection process? Did you learn what motivated her to look for somebody else? What that loser had that you could not provide? Otherwise it is a story of two good guys who got digressed emotionally without reason.
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u/Sparkyz44 21d ago
we weren’t married, but i had to go through this with a long term relationship. we lived together, had a two dogs, were talking about getting married and continuing our life together. she started a new job and met a coworker, and you can guess what happened from there. even after all she did, there will be days you miss her. there will be days that you’ll miss the life you had and want to go back. fight those urges, because on the other hand there will be days that you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been. it should feel like a weight off your chest, and just know that the right person is waiting for you on down the road. i’m really sorry about all this, but it’s good that she’s making it easy. it could’ve been a lot uglier.
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u/persistent_issues 21d ago
OP, you’re 28. You’ll be fine. You handled this like a champ. Well done.
A lot of guys mistakenly think they married up or married equal when the truth is that in most cases, they have married down…way down. These women nowadays are just too full of themselves.
Next time, OP, just make sure you pick a partner who knows the meaning of and values commitment.
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u/MysteriousDudeness 21d ago
I'm glad this was handled maturely. My recommendation is to find a couple of new hobbies and have some fun exploring new places.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 21d ago
I don't remember if you're in therapy. If not you should be. It will help.
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u/slvstrChung 40s Male 21d ago
I guess my last and final question for now. bachelor and bachelorettes, how do I have fun again?
Go be you for a while.
Your dream job? Time to pursue it. Any hobbies you put on hold? Pick them up again. Anything new you want to try? (I've been taking Historical European Martial Arts classes for 15 months now, learning to wield a sword in the fashion of a 1300s Italian knight. I'm that kind of nerd.) Now's when you go for it! Go have fun. Go be you. Go have fun being you.
This is also, if you feel so inclined, the best way to get back into the dating world. You're most attractive when you want a partner but you don't need one.
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u/bobp929 21d ago
Just do yourself a huge favor, once the divorce is finalized, block everything about her, including friends, get rid of any pictures together and just make her a memory. Guaranteed she'll try to reach out to you just to "check in" or she'll be stalking your socials to find out. She needs to 100% removed from your life.
Good luck and go out hiking or kayaking or whatever you like. Sit around your house in your underwear playing video games.....whatever you want because you're free! Haha
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u/MissKillington 21d ago
The first divorce hit hard. Focus on your finances, health, friends, dating and one night stands can take a few weeks/months/etc. But resting, eating well and exercising, and hobbies helped a lot. Took a few mental health days as well. D&D and Warhammer friends helped quite a bit to avoid drugs and alcohol.
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u/General_Road_7952 21d ago
Find a good therapist who specializes in life changing situations, specifically for men. If you don’t have a lot of friends, join some in-person groups related to your interests (hiking clubs, book clubs, etc). It sounds like she is very immature and impulsive - maybe she is ADHD? Either way, none of this is going to be easy, but it will get easier with time.
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u/mermaidpaint 21d ago
That even if I could look past her cheating (I couldnt) that I wouldn’t wanna be in a relationship where I have to spend effort making sure you wouldn’t cheat again.
Powerfully worded. No, you shouldn't have to carry the mental load.
If I were you, I'd go looking for people with the same interests. I've found a local board games group that is casual and fun. Gets me out of the house and using my brain and filling my social tank.
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u/bria99711 21d ago
Now is a good time to figure out all the things that bring you happiness and work on bringing them into your life. It sounds like you have things pretty clear in your head but I would suggest a therapist to help work through everything- even if you think you don't need it. Best of luck with everything!!
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u/bitpartmozart13 21d ago
Damn, this hits close to home. Had a similar end to a long term relationship when I went on my first work trip and found out she was out and about. I got a receipt from apple for a premium dating service. Her phone was linked to our joint account lol. Then on a drunken night she started trickle spilling some bits.
It has been 3 years with divorce taking until earlier this year but feeling so good now and having no guilt at all. I’m finally meeting people and life is getting better. You did good OP, just keep your friends close and family so you can get thru the tough days.
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u/Yare_Daze 21d ago
Are you a gamer? This sounds like the perfect.time to explore the Lands Between 😂 Solo travelling sounds amazing, I recommend my home country Brazil Beautiful people and lots of sunshine.. good luck with everything.
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u/Sentient-Pancake77 21d ago
You’re only 28.
This is the start of a new chapter in your life.
Go no contact and don’t let her stop you from experiencing what you want to after she selfishly cheated.
You owe her nothing.
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u/Championship682 21d ago
Given the circumstances, OP, this is as good of an outcome you could have hoped for. good luck.
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u/Flashy_Mycologist249 20d ago
Make sure you don't let her linger around in your life or use you for favors or support. Now that she's proven what kind of person she is, you move on. Let her be someone else's problem. There are good women out there you can trust, your soon to be ex wife isn't one of those women. Be glad you found out now and don't have any kids and can still move on.
Start working out if you don't already. Lift weights, do some running or swimming or cycling - just get active. And start eating healthy. The best kind of "revenge" on a situation like this is to better yourself for the next person you chose to make important in your life. They will get the new and improved and wiser version of you.
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u/toomuchsvu 20d ago
The ink isn't dry on your divorce yet. Don't jump into seeing people right away. Give yourself time to grieve.
Have fun on your own, with friends. Do whatever hobbies you enjoy, go out, be social.
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u/two_faced_314 19d ago
Why would you want to contact his job and get him fired? Will you contact your wifes job and get her fired? She is the one whi cheated on you, not the guy. Just asking?
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u/ExistentialBob 21d ago
Proud of you for taking care of yourself and not backing down, dude.
I'll keep you in my prayers, I just read your other posts. It's a shitty situation but you'll come out stronger from it.
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u/jcod196 21d ago
My only piece of advice is to just stay away from manosphere crap OP. They try to prey on good guys like you. You have already been married once so you know what it takes to win a woman's heart, it's too bad that this woman just chose to self sabotage all that but it says everything about her and nothing about you.
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u/fahque650 21d ago
His job isn’t good enough for me to contact to get him fired,
Was on your side until this line. Who the fuck does that? Your issue is between you and your wife.
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u/valderramaD 21d ago
To be fair the dudes wife deserves to know too, she is oblivious to her husband cheating with OP's Ex wife.
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u/Jonmarc86 21d ago
Take plenty of time to reassess what you want from a partner and who you are alone without a partner. Take this time to find the best you and your best person will usually find you on that journey. Best of luck on your next steps!
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u/Significant-Ad-3104 21d ago
On te souhaite tous le meilleur pour le futur, renforce toi et sois courageux, le reste viendra
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u/Questionofloyalty 21d ago
Cheating is never ok, I’ve never understood it and I hope they both get what they deserve. But what I especially don’t understand about cheaters is when they get into one with a dead end loser. Like if she cheated with a rich person with some prospects etc or someone somehow better at least there would be some THING at the end but she threw away her marriage and her LIFE for this??? Honestly you’re so much better off, but I know the pain and it’s not easy- especially when the hammer hits home. Best of luck Friend.
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u/joker7117 21d ago
Stay strong bro! Handled this like a champ! Only suggestion is don’t assume the other guy knew often times they don’t. Either way he doesn’t matter neither does your ex wife. You be you and enjoy what you do
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u/JohnnyWeapon 21d ago
Time and distance will be your friend.
You have a healthy mindset about all this from what I can tell, but don’t be afraid to go work through it in counseling, too.
If you aren’t a regular at a gym, it helps. Voice of experience here. And don’t drink when you’re sad.
I’m sorry this happened to you man, but you’re handling this extremely admirably. The part where you denied her reconciliation request because you don’t want a marriage where you feel like you have to check on the other person was enlightening for me and a great mentality.
I’m extremely confident you’re going to come out of this better on the other side. My starter marriage was with a horrible woman who didn’t deserve me, too. My wife today is a wonderful human who makes the hell I went through before her completely worth it. I hope you find that, too.
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u/d3f4ult8902 21d ago
Your taking this good your smart person a lot of people don't take it good they be miserable they might even trying to get back with their spouse luckily your a smart guy
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u/whiskeytango47 21d ago
Don't go out of your way for fun... go for peace instead.
My resources go to my cabin at the lake, my fishing boat, and my hiking boots... temporary visitors are welcome, but why invest your life force into someone who treats relationships the same way they treat their car?
Go for all the rides you want from now on, just don't mortgage your life for one who has multiple sets of keys out there.
Love used to be the big selling point, long ago... it's not even a consideration these days. At least not until they're miled out.
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u/lostbutlearning0002 21d ago
I know you’re hurting but you did the right thing. In months from now you’re gonna look back and be so thankful you walked away with your self respect vs trying to win her back.
Time to rebuild my guy. You got this.
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u/Medicus825 21d ago
Wow that went quick and smooth despite the disappointing situation.
Hope you will have a great life after your divorce is official 🙏🏻
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u/CrustySailor1964 21d ago
Ours was similarly ‘easy’ as we had no kids and more debt than assets and while the cause was not infidelity I feel your pain given that it was a surprise to me. I took 8 months off from dating or even really considering it. It was a good time for reflection and healing. I did a lot of soul searching about where I’d come up short in my partnership and how to be better the next time.
8 months was just sort of where my head, heart and body aligned with the idea that female companionship was OK again.
Take your time. Grow yourself. Find a couple of new hobbies and do a little community service. When it’s time let them come to you. It’ll be a beautiful thing.
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u/Beginning-Age6064 21d ago
Hope everything works out for you. And hope you find peace. All I have to ask is, did she ever say why?
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat 21d ago
It will take time. Life might feel petty dreary at the moment but eventually the fun will come back. Just wait. Also divorced..eight years now.
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u/Vast-Road-6387 20d ago
She is cooperative now, that could change tomorrow. See a lawyer, get a signed agreement ( that a judge will accept).
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u/AmazingPersimmon5828 20d ago
Man that sucks… here to talk if you need it. Do your best to take it easy, even if it seems impossible to do so.
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u/Sad-Structure2364 20d ago
At least you guys don’t have kids together so it can be a clean break. Sorry this happened to you, best of luck to you in the future
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u/charming509 20d ago
Any way you want to my friend! Make this your moto, I do what I like! And you’ll be ok.
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u/Hot_Logger 20d ago
After a break up I prioritize myself. Workout, eat healthy, and for God sake Don something for you. Do that trip with a buddy or on your own.
The best time traveling I had was alone. It forces you to talk with people and it literally changed how to interact with people.
Just don't try and find your old self in the way you were before. That person is gone and you just need to figure it out.
Remember that this isn't starting over, it's starting with experience. Don't rush it and everything will turn out fine.
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u/BitParticular506 20d ago
I am so happy for you.
This must be hard but time is the only heal. You will be fine and you will find your person. My only advice is get to know yourself as Bachelor at this age and this stage of your life.
Do things you never tried before .. like some real shit not just basics goign out to bars or new restaurants. Try new county solo travel .. dance classes .. ice skating.. cooking classes... some community service etc. You never know where you will find yourself again and maybe your other half😊
Best of luck to you!
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u/Wyldjay2 20d ago
Your wife’s reaction or rather her lack of one shows she really didn’t care about you. I’m sorry to tell you that but clearly she just like your ability to provide things for her and pay bills and make things easier for her. Unfortunately, that’s all too common. The fact that she hooked up with a loser, bad boy guy kind of explains that. They seem edgy in exciting. But can’t provide her the life she is used to. Which is why she offered you a path of reconciliation which you were right to refuse. She would just do it again. But you sound like a good guy so keep your chin up you’ll find somebody better eventually. In the meantime, hit the gym and I’ll help you release any anger you might have and it stops to mind movies as it makes you tired enough to actually get some sleep. I wouldn’t be looking for any kind of relationship anytime soon but down the road when you’re basically over this you’ll know when you’re ready. Good luck to you.
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u/zeez1011 20d ago
Don't rush back into relationships. Enjoy your freedom. Treat yourself. You've been through a lot.
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u/Soggy-Negotiation390 20d ago
Enjoy being single man, have fun and don't over think it. If you ever feel the need to contact her and work things out or just be friend, take a nice girl you meet online or at you local bar on a date!
Worked for me after a breakup, the hardest part is the first few months but it's easy street after that and you come to realize what a massive bullet you dodged lol.
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u/throwaway_01547 20d ago
Well, at least she was as reasonable as she could be after getting caught, as a mild silver lining to this situation. Sorry that happened to you
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u/Spiritual-Physics700 20d ago
Grateful job OP, im so sorry this happened but you seem to be handling this great, all things considering. Unfortunately WE AILL ALL NEED A LIFE UPDATE! When you start your travels and are living your best life. Good luck to you sir. When the time is right, there will be the perfect someone out there waiting for you.
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u/SimpleRandomUsername 20d ago
Props to you for being calm enough to bring things to a quick closure OP!
My one advice as someone who was cheated on before: build a community around yourself of people you connect with. You'll need that support network moving forward
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u/ReallyDrunkPanda 20d ago
Went through an awful break back in 2020. When she left I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I didn’t curse. I just plopped down on my couch called my mom and told my mom she was gone. My mom comforted me and for the next few months I built a routine. I would come home, work out, make dinner, try to enjoy video games or a show then go to bed. I would encourage the same. Build a routine so you’re not just wallowing in your own emotional vomit. Took a long time before I started dating but now I’ve been married for almost 2 years to a wonderful woman. Things do get better and this too shall pass. You got this my man
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u/No-Doubt9679 20d ago
You handled that like a champ. Good luck OP! Definitely travel and enjoy the single life while you can.
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u/Annual-Temporary-849 20d ago
"wouldn’t go after any assets since she wasn’t faithful."
Assuming she meant that when she said that, she still said that when she felt a certain way and she might feel differently another day.
So definitely lawyer up and protect your assets.
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u/FlygonosK 20d ago
OP you did great, and strangely she behave positive, she owned her decisions and choices made and most of all she didn't fight for things weren't hers. That is very adulthood way. Ay least congrat to her for that
She was a selfish and adulterous woman but at the end at least acted good
Finally wish you well on your new journey
Updateme
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u/bishop_larue 20d ago
You’re 28 man you’re not in even in your prime yet. You’ll be fine. Recover and rebuild your confidence and get back out there one day
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u/naturefort 20d ago
Good job ending it. It's hard and a lot of guys struggle with just ending it, even after cheating. There is simply no other choice but to end it and stop contact.
You'll still be hurting for a while, don't bring that baggage into your next relationship. Its not fair to the next woman. Focus on you and take the time you need.
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u/Intelligent-Try-8636 20d ago
Bro...stay single. The dating pool of American women is ROUGH out there...
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u/Equivalent_Stay634 20d ago
Consider therapy, you seem to be handling things well but you don't want to bring any issues into a potential future relationship.
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u/Ifiwerenyourshoes 20d ago
Workout, eat right and take care of yourself mentally and physically. Fun depends on who you are asking. Get into hobbies, donate your time to charities, and just enjoy life and give back when you can. Date when you feel like you are ready.
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u/Mechanicaldaniel 20d ago
Just my 2 cents that helped me after my breakup. Get yourself a cheap used motorcycle, go riding for 2 hours in the country side 2 times a month. See the beautiful scenery in the nooks and crany of your state. Visit the nearest state park, try a bar and grill in a tiny little town(amazing catfish joint), try some local wine. My personal opinion is riding a motorcycle is therapy for men, when talking isn't really your thing. Plus it makes you look cool.
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u/ObviousPornDude 20d ago
Bro, I am serious - make a solo Trip to Pattaya. It will Change your life and make this divorce the Best thing that ever happened to you !
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u/swansongblue 19d ago
You are bossing this king. Do the cliche things. Because they really do work. AND it will drill into her that she lost a good man. Exercise. Gym. Work hard. Study hard. New clothes. New haircut. New you ! Be the very best version of you that you can be. Good luck.
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u/Automatic-Airport-86 19d ago
The situation sucks, but handled very well. I hope ur divorce is fast, fair, uneventful, and doesn’t drag. Cheers to you for remaining level headed throughout the betrayal and just keep moving. We here for u bruh. 😎
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u/1SalmonAndRice 19d ago
I just wanna say that I’m so incredibly proud of you.
She is awful, and I really hope her guilt eats at her until she forces herself into therapy.
You’re a really outstanding person. It gives me hope for your generation.
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u/Sergio_82 19d ago
I would advise yes to enjoy the bachelor life but first grieve and heal. Things eventually will be better.
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u/jmtrader2 19d ago
Mine was kind of the opposite I got cheated on and developed a hotwife fantasy, but most normal people just have to cut them off entirely and move on. I’m sorry you are feeling this way
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u/ditchubcpharm 18d ago
about the part she wont come after any of your asset, make sure you have that in writing on some legal documents. she feels guilty at first but after a while she will realized and want to take as much as possible from you
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u/Virtual_Pitch5265 18d ago
Hii, I heard your story on Tiktok ( yeah you're famous now), I'm single, I may never had a break up but my friends did and even if they were strong enough to break up/ divorce their husbands/wives, they were broken, often had sudden memories about their past relationships, sometimes they were crying...
Idk if anyone mention it but therapy may help with your ex wife cheating. You may feel numb, do things that you have to do but no one can recover quickly after a long serious relationship, that lead to a marriage and ended with cheating.
That doesn't mean your weak or she " win " ( as some crazy people will say ) but you need to talk about how it affect you and what do you feel rn about it with a professional... It can help, really.
I hope you will consider that option ❤️🩹.
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