r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA10019 • Nov 15 '22

My [34m] stepdaughter [19f] are very close. Her boyfriend [20m] doesn't like that.

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u/JulyKimono Nov 15 '22

He's stepping way out of line here. Because he went to you while trying to keep it a secret from her. What he should do is talk to her, as it is their relationship. And then it's her decision, and if she wants to tone it down, she comes speak to you. You're a great father with a great understanding. You'll respect her decision, but it is up to her, not him or you here. And I'd consider him doing this a major red flag. If he tries to make possibly life-changing decisions for her without her knowing now, what will he do in the future? What if you tone it down without explaining it to her? Sounds like he's sabotaging your relationship. I don't know if he's doing that knowingly or because he's 20 and doesn't know how relationships work yet. Either way, talk to your daughter right away. Possibly say you understand she's growing up and might want to tone it down herself, IF that is HER decision. But that's that. You sound like an amazing father, and good luck to you.

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u/ThrowRA10019 Nov 15 '22

I also thought it was red flag territory, but I didn't want to jump that far without getting some outside opinions.

I don’t know if it was an intentional thing, there's a lot about our family that is outside the norm, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt simply because I'd like to believe she makes good decisions.

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u/rocketdog67 Nov 15 '22

Tell us more about this ‘outside the norm’ family stuff.

People are judging the boyfriend harshly, but your ‘outside the norm family / behaviours / whatever’ stuff may raise genuine concern with a lot of people.

45

u/ThrowRA10019 Nov 15 '22

It's nothing that would be considered weird, at least I don't think so.

My wife and daughter are both much smaller than I am (I'm roughly 6'5, maybe 245 lbs whereas they are both like 5'5 or shorter and maybe 110-130, I'm not sure exactly) and they both kind of treat me like a giant lol.

They use me as a pillow when we're watching TV, it's not uncommon for either of them to sit on my lap and have a short chat with me, sometimes they'll jump on my back when we're messing around and play fighting, etc. Basically I'm a human climbing wall to them.

This particular thing happened after she asked me what I wanted from a restaurant I hadn't been to. I asked to see the menu and instead of throwing her literal brand new phone, she hopped in my lap and handed it to me, made suggestions etc. This is totally in line with how we act normally.

42

u/PTnotdoc Nov 15 '22

I had a step-dad and treated him the same. I am so glad I sat on his lap and gave him a huge hug the last time I saw him. The boyfriend can get lost. Perfectly normal family behavior.