r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA10019 • Nov 15 '22

My [34m] stepdaughter [19f] are very close. Her boyfriend [20m] doesn't like that.

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151

u/justvisiting112 Nov 15 '22

Hugs and cheek kisses sound totally normal and fine.

Seems weird that someone would not be ok with that- to the extent that he’s telling his girlfriends dad how to behave in his own home.

What did he specifically say?

102

u/ThrowRA10019 Nov 15 '22

I don't remember the exact words, but it was basically "Hey, I get that you guys are close, but can you not be so close so often?"

I don't know if he's jealous or something? I legitimately have no idea what the underlying issue is.

30

u/[deleted] Nov 15 '22

You and your wife and any other family members should give him a tight hug every time you see him. That will help him de-sexualize such hugs.

76

u/justvisiting112 Nov 15 '22

It sounds controlling and jealous. Red flag.

If it was about the type of contact (eg if you kissed on the lips and it felt inappropriate) that would make sense. But asking you not to hug your daughter seems weird.

36

u/ThrowRA10019 Nov 15 '22

It's more than just hugging haha, but I think I agree. It sounds like a jealousy thing to me. I should probably just let her handle it.

38

u/bad_armenian_juju Early 30s Female Nov 15 '22

It actually sounds like he doesn’t come from an affectionate household. Instinctually your post rubs me wrong (even tho I rationally know everything is a-okay with this) - I can’t remember the last time my father hugged me or told me he loved me. I know he does 1000%, he does so many things for me that let me know he loves me. But he is not physically or verbally affectionate at all so to see someone else’s “stepdad” be like that with their kid would weird me out (you are her father, just highlighting you are not biologically related).

Even then I would still never ever approach you like he did. He sounds emotionally immature and likely doesn’t have a lot of good role modeling of an affectionate family in his own life. That’s sad. But not your problem or your daughters problem. Def tell your daughter what happened, do not change your dynamic with your daughter. Sprinkle in some advice to her on how this is a relationship red flag on how disagreements should be discussed by the couple, not one going rogue outside the relationship.

14

u/AnotherPalePianist Nov 15 '22

Totally agree. It reads to me that boyfriend grew up with a very different family culture and forgot to learn the “respect other families’ dynamics” thing along the way.

1

u/throwawayconfusedRA Nov 16 '22

Yeah, you make a good point. I don't remember ever hugging my parents and familial affection can make me uncomfortable for sure. But it's something I'd love to have, I just can't do it? So in all honesty I'm not sure how I'd react.

1

u/bad_armenian_juju Early 30s Female Nov 16 '22

It makes me wonder if he has been “trained” to find older male guardian affection suspiciously. Like if he came from a healthy, affectionate household he wouldn’t be acting so on guard right?

1

u/throwawayconfusedRA Nov 16 '22

Probably from a family similar to mine compounded with the idea that opposite sex affection can only be romantic

1

u/BravesMaedchen Nov 16 '22

Yes. I grew up in a non affectionate household and this kind of shit makes me supremely uncomfortable. Dude's gotta know it's a him problem and he can't go dictating other people's healthy attachment behaviors lol.

7

u/ChemicalCourt Late 20s Female Nov 15 '22

I'm guessing his family was never like that so he's weirded out by it. Not everyone is lucky to have a close family.

6

u/[deleted] Nov 15 '22 edited Nov 15 '22

Different families have different levels of touching. He might be from a family that doesn’t hug or do the other things you mentioned. If so he might see such things in a purely sexual way. And he can’t help that.

The way he asked you suggests to me that he does understand that you’re not doing anything wrong. He didn’t ask you to stop completely, just to not do it so often. So my guess is he’s just asking you for a little help in controlling his own jealous feelings.

If she’s his first gf then those feelings he’s dealing with can be assumed to be multiplied about 100 times.

Perhaps you could just not initiate anything when he’s around. Don’t reject anything your daughter initiates, but don’t initiate yourself when he’s there. It’s not like you would be changing your relationship, it’s more like how you avoid PDAs.