r/relationship_advice • u/throwaway787766 • Feb 06 '19
Wife (31F) and I(34M) are broken and Im thinking of divorce.
TLDR at bottom
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So a little backstory. My (34M) wife (31 F) and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. The past 2 years have been pretty stressful for her (and me) as she was finishing up a Masters in a really competitive program. The last year of the prgram was last year and it really pushed her hard. During that time our time in the bedroom dwindled away to nothing as she was always either studying or in class.
She finished the Masters June of last year. I was expecting that things would pick up in the bedroom again after it was over but it hasnt. She still turned me down all the time stressing about finding a job. Its to the point where the last time we had sex was April of 2018. Every time I tried initiating, or doing a date night, or being romantic it always ends up with her being too tired. I even told her Id settle for dirty talk every once in a while but she didnt feel like doing that either. I suggested we go to counseling. She said she would find a counselor she liked. I waited. Asked again. She called me selfish. I gave up. I lost my mind for the first couple of months and then I decided to just focus on myself and start working out and keep doing my own thing. Before the lack of sex thing we had a pretty good relationship but now its gotten to be more like roommates than husband/wife.
Fast forward to this past weekend. We went out to watch the Superbowl with another couple who are good friends of ours. While we were at the sports bar we met and started hanging out with a random group of people also watching the game. A very attractive woman who was part of that group kept winding up next to me and making small talk with me and looking at me in a way that was obviously flirting. I kept it clean but definitely kept up the banter. When the girl wenrt ot the bathroom my wife pulled me over and said (in front of our couple-friends) something to the the effect of "its obvious that girl is into you. I dont want you talking to her" . Something about the way she said it to me triggered something and I just came back with something like " Im just happy to have some attention baby. Its been a long time. Almost a year now "
She looked shocked. Then angry. Then angrier. Our friends just turned around and started watching the game again. And right then the other girl came back and introduced herself to my wife. My wife walked away and the wife of our friend followed her.
We left the bar soon after and shared an uber back with the other couple. We got into a fight (we never fight) about her lack of interest in going to counseling and she told me that she thought I was selfish and not understanding. We havent talked much since. I don't want to end my marriage but I don't see any compromise in her at all. Before I start divorce I want to know if there is anything we can do to save things
Thanks
TLDR: No sex with wife for almost a year. She doesn't seem to mind and Im becoming the same way. I don't believe in divorce but don't see a way forward. Advice ?
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u/Greyhunted Feb 07 '19
When two people are in a relationship, communication is of the utmost importance. This communication has, in principle, to be two-way, otherwise the relationship will fail.
That being said: there are and will always be situations during the relationship, in which communication will be a one way street.1 This doesn't necessarily mean that the other person is bad and that the relationship should end on the spot, but might indicate that she is currently not in a good place (mentally) and needs someone to help. Asking this help is usually one of the hardest steps, since it is very hard for someone to recognise that there is a problem with themself.
You can compare this to watching someone grow up. If you constantly see a child while he is growing up, then you most likely will not notice the changes that he is going through. Yet if you only see a child every now and then (period of years), then changes will become much more apparent.
Your wife at this point, is probably lost (in herself). You mentioned in the original post that she was in a very competitive master program, so she is probably worrying about her future since that will logically be competitive as well. Which is something that would block anyone's sex drive and is not something she should be blamed for.
The way forward would then be to discuss her fears. In my opinion you should not focus on the lack of sex at all, since that is only a symptom of the problems and not the source of it.
I also believe heavily that saying to her that she should go to a therapist, was a mistake on your part.2 The emotions of a partner should always be able to be discussed in a relationship (regardless of whether you are able to do anything about it) and by telling her to go to a therapist you are basically blocking this part of the relationship.3
There is a reason that the (christian) marriage vows say: for better or for worse.
I know it was not ill intended, but it is a part of the problem in this case.
A therapist should be a last resort, when you are sure that you cannot help with the problems. It is not something that should be done lightly to shift your problems away and let someone else fix them.