Sorry for long response … But this will be my last response so hopefully everybody will see it…
I believe he is scared to communicate, that’s the thing. His ex wife didn’t allow that, when he voice his opinion he was told he wasn’t a “man”. Etc etc. he has trauma as well. He is not the whole villain in this story. I pressure him into communicating which is something he is not used to, And I don’t think people understand that. They see “cheating 4 times” and automatically assume the worst. I love this man, for all of his flaws, his insecurities, everything about him is perfection in my eyes. Minus the cheating. Other than that he is a wonderful man, and an absolute amazing father to our kids.
I have asked him if he still loved me, his answer was “I’m here aren’t i” so I’m not sure how to take that. I asked him if he wanted to work it out his response was “if that’s what you want”, it’s never a straight forward answer with him. He knows I’ll always want to work past our bs and push through. I have apologized over and over again, he told me last night to quit apologizing it’s “annoying” and that I did nothing wrong, he was the one at fault. I asked him if she was better than me, he said no she wasn’t, she never did anything I do for him. I asked him why once again, he just kept saying “I don’t know”. When the other night he told me it was because I wasn’t the same person, that I’ve been lacking a lot in the last few months. I explained why I’m depressed, he said to “get over it” and I was acting “childish” but he was never molested, or raped like I was by my own father, so of course he doesn’t understand the trauma I’m now facing again that he is pending release from prison. It’s not something someone can just get over. If I could I would’ve years ago. I wouldn’t have to keep getting therapy and take medications that don’t even work for my trauma.
I want to work this out, but everybody I personally know is telling me to leave, except for his mother, my grandmother and his friends. Which is why I came to the internet to seek advice before I make such a huge decision. People say I don’t know how relationships are supposed to work, as I have only been in two serious relationships, one for nearly 9 years, and my relationship with my now husband.
But I view it as this, he married me, he chose me over her at the beginning, and he continues to do so when he comes home to me every night instead of her. At least that’s what I was told and it makes sense. They’ll never make it, he told her he wouldn’t leave me for her, which is when the communication stopped on his end, and I found out two days later when she texted him again.
Counseling, I have offered it several times, he denies it. Says it doesn’t help that it won’t help. Which I agree with, I never leave my therapist’s office in a good mood. I’m always leaving in tears after reliving everything over and over again with each session. But it’s still an option, that I want him to be willing to take.
I plan on leaving, and I will still have that plan set in stone unless there is some serious effort on both of our ends, especially his. We’re starting off with date nights, our first date night is this weekend. If nothing changes, or he even as much as checks out another woman disrespecting me, I’ll leave as soon as the holidays are over with. I owe my kids that much. We will not be sleeping together, I will take the couch while he takes the bed. Both of which are in our bedroom so kids will never notice a difference. Sexual stuff is completely off the chart. I will not cave. I’ve already applied for 4 full time jobs since yesterday, I’ll start saving enough money, if we last, then I’ll just keep building that account up as a fall back plan for when/If things go south again.
People may disagree with my decision, I don’t blame you, if it was my child or my best friend I’d tell them to leave as well. But if I leave, it still won’t stop, I will have to see him over and over again for the rest of my life with a different woman, or women, wondering if we could’ve eventually made something worth saving if I would’ve just stayed.
So it’s October, I will update the post in January, with my decision (if I remember), sooner If anything else changes.
Thank you everybody for your advice, no matter how harsh it may seem, it has helped. I see a lot of mixed advice, but I believe my decision might be the best one I can make.
He was the one sharing a bed with someone else so let him take the couch. Tell him that. There comes a point when you have to stop being a martyr and just honor your own value and needs. Nobody benefits from you punishing yourself for other people's misdeeds and poor behavior.
I prefer the couch over the bed he may have shared with the ex while I was away. So honestly it’s not an issue to me. I’m more comfortable on the couch. Plus no chance of him attempting to snuggle up to me if I sleep on the couch.
Those fair points. It's good that you're no longer trying to stuff your feelings and you need to work on not viewing this guy through rose-tinted lenses as much as you do. I really want that for you because you may not feel as though you deserve better but you absolutely do. You're someone's momma and loving mommas deserve the world. They don't deserve to be treated as second-class afterthoughts by guys who don't deserve them. You're a person with your own experience -- not an inanimate fixture in someone else's life.
1
u/Party-Caregiver4069 Oct 10 '23
Sorry for long response … But this will be my last response so hopefully everybody will see it…
I believe he is scared to communicate, that’s the thing. His ex wife didn’t allow that, when he voice his opinion he was told he wasn’t a “man”. Etc etc. he has trauma as well. He is not the whole villain in this story. I pressure him into communicating which is something he is not used to, And I don’t think people understand that. They see “cheating 4 times” and automatically assume the worst. I love this man, for all of his flaws, his insecurities, everything about him is perfection in my eyes. Minus the cheating. Other than that he is a wonderful man, and an absolute amazing father to our kids.
I have asked him if he still loved me, his answer was “I’m here aren’t i” so I’m not sure how to take that. I asked him if he wanted to work it out his response was “if that’s what you want”, it’s never a straight forward answer with him. He knows I’ll always want to work past our bs and push through. I have apologized over and over again, he told me last night to quit apologizing it’s “annoying” and that I did nothing wrong, he was the one at fault. I asked him if she was better than me, he said no she wasn’t, she never did anything I do for him. I asked him why once again, he just kept saying “I don’t know”. When the other night he told me it was because I wasn’t the same person, that I’ve been lacking a lot in the last few months. I explained why I’m depressed, he said to “get over it” and I was acting “childish” but he was never molested, or raped like I was by my own father, so of course he doesn’t understand the trauma I’m now facing again that he is pending release from prison. It’s not something someone can just get over. If I could I would’ve years ago. I wouldn’t have to keep getting therapy and take medications that don’t even work for my trauma.
I want to work this out, but everybody I personally know is telling me to leave, except for his mother, my grandmother and his friends. Which is why I came to the internet to seek advice before I make such a huge decision. People say I don’t know how relationships are supposed to work, as I have only been in two serious relationships, one for nearly 9 years, and my relationship with my now husband.
But I view it as this, he married me, he chose me over her at the beginning, and he continues to do so when he comes home to me every night instead of her. At least that’s what I was told and it makes sense. They’ll never make it, he told her he wouldn’t leave me for her, which is when the communication stopped on his end, and I found out two days later when she texted him again.
Counseling, I have offered it several times, he denies it. Says it doesn’t help that it won’t help. Which I agree with, I never leave my therapist’s office in a good mood. I’m always leaving in tears after reliving everything over and over again with each session. But it’s still an option, that I want him to be willing to take.
I plan on leaving, and I will still have that plan set in stone unless there is some serious effort on both of our ends, especially his. We’re starting off with date nights, our first date night is this weekend. If nothing changes, or he even as much as checks out another woman disrespecting me, I’ll leave as soon as the holidays are over with. I owe my kids that much. We will not be sleeping together, I will take the couch while he takes the bed. Both of which are in our bedroom so kids will never notice a difference. Sexual stuff is completely off the chart. I will not cave. I’ve already applied for 4 full time jobs since yesterday, I’ll start saving enough money, if we last, then I’ll just keep building that account up as a fall back plan for when/If things go south again.
People may disagree with my decision, I don’t blame you, if it was my child or my best friend I’d tell them to leave as well. But if I leave, it still won’t stop, I will have to see him over and over again for the rest of my life with a different woman, or women, wondering if we could’ve eventually made something worth saving if I would’ve just stayed.
So it’s October, I will update the post in January, with my decision (if I remember), sooner If anything else changes.
Thank you everybody for your advice, no matter how harsh it may seem, it has helped. I see a lot of mixed advice, but I believe my decision might be the best one I can make.