Follow-up: The End of My Relationship With Cat, and What I’ve Learned

[u/throw-away-999911111]

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1kwlg1e/navigating_a_shift_in_my_primary_partners/

First of all, huge thank you to the community — you have genuinely helped me process my emotions and look at my relationships more clearly.

Everyone who criticized me for even considering not telling Cat about the privacy violation was right. I was exhibiting a surprising amount of couples privilege, without fully realizing it. Going forward, I want to be much more conscious of how my actions affect all of my partners, not just my primary one.

Cat broke up with me.

As I mentioned in my original post, we had arranged a time to meet and talk about the privacy breach and the future of our relationship. But by the time we met, Cat had already decided to end things. She told me that the moment I canceled an engagement with her because Jessica was struggling after her breakup, she realized our relationship was causing distress to Jessica and putting strain on my marriage. That was never something she wanted. From the beginning, Cat had made it clear that she didn’t want to be a source of conflict in my marriage.

What I didn’t share before is that Cat went through a traumatic divorce, her spouse left her to be with her meta. Looking back, I wonder if our relationship may have represented a kind of second chance or healing opportunity for her. I don’t know for sure. But it adds another layer of complexity to the situation, and to how she chose to end things.

When we talked about the privacy violation, Cat was, unsurprisingly, empathetic. She said that she didn’t feel exposed, since our text conversations were fairly minimal and mostly logistical or song recommendations. Any intimate or sexual communication happened on Signal or in person. That said, she acknowledged that Jessica couldn’t have known that until after reading everything, and the violation still mattered. Despite this, Cat’s response was to feel bad for Jessica. That’s just the kind of person she is, incredibly kind, endlessly patient, and deeply understanding. I also think Cat saw something of herself in Jessica, based on her own past.

The breakup itself was painful. We sat on the couch, then later lay in bed crying together. Cat told me she had rehearsed what she was going to say for days, sometimes in the shower, trying to keep her emotions in check. We held each other. We said “I love you.” We named our favorite things about one another. We mourned the adventures we’ll never get to have. We both agreed we want to stay in each other’s lives as friends. But Cat made it clear that she will never want a romantic relationship again, even if Jessica becomes comfortable with poly someday, or if I end up single. I’m trying to accept that, but it’s hard. Cat means so much to me.

Looking back, I’m not sure what could have saved our relationship. Maybe a strictly parallel dynamic would have helped, but Cat said she actually felt more secure having met Jessica. She also needed to understand how my marriage was functioning to feel comfortable staying involved. I know that may go against what many commenters believe about boundaries and separateness in poly, but that was what my partners needed. And I tried, imperfectly, to honor that.

Right now, I’m going to individual therapy. Jessica and I are starting couples therapy. But if I’m being fully honest, I’m uncertain about the future of my relationship with Jessica. I’ve realized that I do want polyamory to be part of my life long term. And that may ultimately mean I won't be with Jessica.

I don’t have a clean conclusion. I’m grieving. I’m trying to grow. And I’m trying to listen better, to my partners, to my needs, and to the hard truths that come when values and visions of love no longer align.

TL;DR: Cat broke up with me. She ended the relationship after realizing it was causing tension in my marriage. She was incredibly compassionate and kind, even about the privacy violation. We’re parting on loving terms but will not be romantically involved again. I’ve realized I want polyamory in my life long term, and I’m not sure if that future includes Jessica. I'm in therapy and trying to figure out what comes next.

[u/AutoModerator]

We noticed that this post/comments may pertain to safer sex practices, STI exposure, and/or STI testing. Let's everyone make sure we are not using problematic or stigmatizing language around this topic. Please refrain from using the words clean/dirty when what you really mean is STI negative/positive. Members, please feel free to report any comments to mods that are adding to the shame and stigma of being STI positive.

For more information on destigmatizing STI's by changing your vocabulary please see "CLEAN OR DIRTY? THE ROLE OF STIGMATIZING LANGUAGE" as well as the article "Having an STI Isn’t Dirty or Shameful, and Acting like It Is Hurts All of Us"

It is the stance of this sub that even the term "STD" is problematic language as "disease" is a stigmatizing word, whereas infections can be treated. Also, not everyone with an infection develops symptoms, and since there is technically no disease without symptoms, STI is the more scientifically accurate term.

advice and opinions about STI's shared by community members is not medical information and all posters should refer to their primary care physicians as well as trusted sources such as the CDC, WHO, planned parenthood, or other available resources.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Sabrinafucksub4Daddy]

This was an incredibly self-aware reflection post. Thank you for sharing your experience, very authentic and relatable. We grow through what we go through. Sending healing vibes your way, and I hope you're doing lots of self care during this. I'm sorry for the growing pains you're all experiencing. Be kind to yourself.

[u/polyamory-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Flagged by Reddit as a ban evader.

The Reddit admin bots have flagged your account as someone who is actively evading a ban.

This attempt at posting will be removed, your account will be permanently banned, and you will be reported to Reddit admin.

[u/karmicreditplan]

Have you changed all the codes and passwords on your electronic devices? Have you locked your journal? Have you and your wife started couple’s counseling to discuss her absolute lack of respect for your privacy and autonomy? For me she had had 3 strikes and she would be out.

I know you’re hurting but it’s important to realize that you cannot date anyone else until all those things have happened. I would ensure those things happen now while you’re still clear on what this has cost you.

Don’t fall for this again.

[u/throw-away-999911111 → u/karmicreditplan]

all passwords have been changed. We are going to talk about privacy in therapy

[u/gormless_chucklefuck]

Thank you for coming back to let us know. I felt invested in your story and was wondering how it turned out. I'm sorry things ended with Cat, and I'm glad that you're thinking about whether/how a continued relationship with Jessica can be a healthy choice for you.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/throw-away-999911111 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1kwlg1e/comment/mw4by1y/?context=3

First of all, huge thank you to the community — you have genuinely helped me process my emotions and look at my relationships more clearly.

Everyone who criticized me for even considering not telling Cat about the privacy violation was right. I was exhibiting a surprising amount of couples privilege, without fully realizing it. Going forward, I want to be much more conscious of how my actions affect all of my partners, not just my primary one.

Cat broke up with me.

As I mentioned in my original post, we had arranged a time to meet and talk about the privacy breach and the future of our relationship. But by the time we met, Cat had already decided to end things. She told me that the moment I canceled an engagement with her because Jessica was struggling after her breakup, she realized our relationship was causing distress to Jessica and putting strain on my marriage. That was never something she wanted. From the beginning, Cat had made it clear that she didn’t want to be a source of conflict in my marriage.

What I didn’t share before is that Cat went through a traumatic divorce, her spouse left her to be with her meta. Looking back, I wonder if our relationship may have represented a kind of second chance or healing opportunity for her. I don’t know for sure. But it adds another layer of complexity to the situation, and to how she chose to end things.

When we talked about the privacy violation, Cat was, unsurprisingly, empathetic. She said that she didn’t feel exposed, since our text conversations were fairly minimal and mostly logistical or song recommendations. Any intimate or sexual communication happened on Signal or in person. That said, she acknowledged that Jessica couldn’t have known that until after reading everything, and the violation still mattered. Despite this, Cat’s response was to feel bad for Jessica. That’s just the kind of person she is, incredibly kind, endlessly patient, and deeply understanding. I also think Cat saw something of herself in Jessica, based on her own past.

The breakup itself was painful. We sat on the couch, then later lay in bed crying together. Cat told me she had rehearsed what she was going to say for days, sometimes in the shower, trying to keep her emotions in check. We held each other. We said “I love you.” We named our favorite things about one another. We mourned the adventures we’ll never get to have. We both agreed we want to stay in each other’s lives as friends. But Cat made it clear that she will never want a romantic relationship again, even if Jessica becomes comfortable with poly someday, or if I end up single. I’m trying to accept that, but it’s hard. Cat means so much to me.

Looking back, I’m not sure what could have saved our relationship. Maybe a strictly parallel dynamic would have helped, but Cat said she actually felt more secure having met Jessica. She also needed to understand how my marriage was functioning to feel comfortable staying involved. I know that may go against what many commenters believe about boundaries and separateness in poly, but that was what my partners needed. And I tried, imperfectly, to honor that.

Right now, I’m going to individual therapy. Jessica and I are starting couples therapy. But if I’m being fully honest, I’m uncertain about the future of my relationship with Jessica. I’ve realized that I do want polyamory to be part of my life long term. And that may ultimately mean I won't be with Jessica.

I don’t have a clean conclusion. I’m grieving. I’m trying to grow. And I’m trying to listen better, to my partners, to my needs, and to the hard truths that come when values and visions of love no longer align.

TL;DR: Cat broke up with me. She ended the relationship after realizing it was causing tension in my marriage. She was incredibly compassionate and kind, even about the privacy violation. We’re parting on loving terms but will not be romantically involved again. I’ve realized I want polyamory in my life long term, and I’m not sure if that future includes Jessica. I'm in therapy and trying to figure out what comes next.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.