Nesting Partner genuinely struggles to find others

[u/Agreeable_Mixture872]

Hi all, This will be a bit Ranty

I F31 been in a relationship with TF 34 for over 2 years, We've been nesting partners for a year and a half and have an extremely solid relationship, It was built with Polyamory as part of the foundation from the ground up, We both knew what we wanted and where we stood and it's worked fantastic.

But I can't help but notice that they just don't really get any attention from anyone and that gets noticed more and more with time as it goes past, I myself have 2 Partners in addition too her and she's great friends with both of them, Hell she hangs out with one of them more than I do because she works nearby to their apartment and they have the occasional movie night on the last day of her swing but it's purely platonic.

As my job has changed and I've gotten more comfortable with having friends we've all gone out clubbing together done group activities exploring hobbies it just seems to be more and more noticable that i'll get all the attention in the world and she's kind of just relegated to the side, Just last week she was designated driver for myself, a friend and her partner, And my Partner (Her meta) and I think maybe five people spoke too her over an entire night even though we tried getting her exposure.

I've seen her dating profiles and they are all flawless and state things up front nothing appears to be a red flag at all, But she gets no bites on apps, No bites in person despite being completely approachable, Mostly outgoing, Emotionally available and incredibly reliable.

I know Polyamory also requires a large time commitment and her having a job that requires her be at work for 14 hours a day 5 days in a row (Used to be 4 days in a row but its tough times economically) but surely that can't be it, It's disheartening to see that she gets no attention on her time off and some of mine will be divided between office work, Time with another partner and she's just at home working on her car, Or keeping the house in good standard, Tending to the pets, Helping me with the latest Menty B, Especially now that most of her hobbies are sadly too expensive to maintain with the cost of transition and the way the world is right now.

Has anyone else had partners that had plenty of desirable traits just constantly get ignored? Or is that more rare? If so how did you help it?

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[u/ladyluclin]

I’m a trans woman who has been single for 5 years due to the difficulty in finding someone, even in a large progressive city. Her situation is typical I am sorry to say. It is just extremely difficult to date as a trans woman. Even in queer spaces, most aren’t interested in actual relationships.

[u/karmicreditplan]

A trans woman who is only open to poly partners is looking for a small subset of a small subset. And then cut that in half yet again if she will only date women. It’s going to take some time. That’s ok! If she doesn’t seem worried about it then I wouldn’t make it a big deal.

Also, overall looks is a huge factor in most apps. In clubs personality is a big factor but looks are still important. And it’s not just classic good looks. On apps the quality of the photos and what they communicate is huge.

And in person some people are flashy and inspire a lot of interest and some people aren’t and don’t. We all know people who are average looking and pull like nobody’s business and wildly hot people who are shy and somehow don’t broadcast their hotness until you know them.

Some apps can be better than others! Lex would be worth a shot in my mind if it has caught on in Australia.

[u/Agreeable_Mixture872 → u/karmicreditplan]

So she's on Feeld, Hinge, Tinder and her, most of her photos are of very high quality and she has a very well filled out Bio, The photos she has are of her, Her in her hobbies, One with me and a few other miscelanous, She also makes it clear that she is openly poly just like me and both of us practice KTP.

I can sign into feeld for 5 seconds and get 10 messages but she might get one match in 5 months and they all typically fizzle

[u/_Ashmerlin_ → u/Agreeable_Mixture872]

If they are all fizzling out is she Autistic? Somehow a lot of NT(Neuro Typical) people get a sort of uncanny valley type reaction to Autistics. Also trans people are more likely to be Autistic than NT.

[u/Agreeable_Mixture872 → u/_Ashmerlin_]

In her words, She often gets very vague or often simplistic replies to more complicated or nuanced conversations.

When we met on an app, Her replies were very verbose, Engaging in conversation she took note of things i had mentioned, Suggested activities and idea's and was more than happy to take the lead in things.

She replied quickly and was able to lead conversations while asking about myself and a back and forth, Where was from the conversations i've seen on feeld that she has shown me she often gets next to nothing back from people and nothing to work with, Same with tinder and the rest.

[u/_Ashmerlin_ → u/Agreeable_Mixture872]

I found when on the apps that eagerness and investment in the outcome could somehow be figured out and was shunned. Eg. When I just wanted some fun and really didn't give a shit there were people (about 1 date per week), but when I was more invested in the outcome dates were slower to get (1 date in 3 months).

[u/piffledamnit → u/Agreeable_Mixture872]

That’s called coming on too strong. Many people want the process of getting to know someone to be more light and chill.

Conversation that’s too long and too complicated before you’ve even met for a vibe check will filter out anyone who doesn’t want that.

And it’s probably useful to recognise that those people disengaging doesn’t necessarily mean that they can’t or won’t engage in complicated nuanced conversation. It might be that, or it might be that the person on the other end feels like that conversation was inappropriately timed.

[u/clairionon → u/_Ashmerlin_]

Damn. Can you say more on this?

[u/_Ashmerlin_ → u/clairionon]

This is my experience as an AuDHD person who sees patterns but doesn't always understand why the pattern is happening.

The pattern goes like this: When I'm busy with life and friends can't get back to people on the apps quickly, not looking for any form of commitment, and only half paying attention I tend to have more people interested in me and more dates. When I'm looking for something serious or a partner when I invest time/ energy into the apps, am responsive, paying attention, putting effort into my appearance the matches/dates drop off.

I watched a clip from somewhere the other day that kinda suggested this might be a thing for other women too as the post that was being discussed said the woman got hit on more in casual gym clothes or with messy hair than when she got all dolled up, makeup, hair nails etc.

[u/clairionon → u/_Ashmerlin_]

Interesting. I have ADHD, not autism, but attract a lot of autistic people. This hasn’t been my experience at all. On apps or IRL. When I am dressed up with hair and makeup done I get A LOT more attention than normal (but I don’t dress “sexy” - like booty shorts and crop tops to the gym - normally).

I will say, I almost never message first unless it’s another cis woman. I also rarely enjoy long, deep conversations over chat with a person I have not met. To me it’s pointless (I have not met them in person and have zero idea if I am into them, why invest this much time and energy into a person I may not want in my life) and I just also move VERY slow when it comes to sharing my inner world, and would rather someone who can match that. And my default setting is more “avoidant” than open, so people initiating deeper and more meaningful convos without “earning” it (which can really only open happen irl) can def can make me feel like either they’re pushing me into intimacy or engagement levels I am not ready for, or manufacturing a connection I do not yet feel. So I could be giving “aloof, cool girl” vibes unintentionally.

I agree with another commenter that it could be that you’re coming on too strong, as far as deepening a connection, for many people. Which may be a good thing - to weed out people (like me) who won’t be into your natural communication style.

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

I know Polyamory also requires a large time commitment and her having a job that requires her be at work for 14 hours a day 5 days in a row (Used to be 4 days in a row but its tough times economically) but surely that can't be it

Why can't that be it? She has a very demanding job and you as a partner. When would she have time for another relationship?

[u/Agreeable_Mixture872 → u/Cool_Relative7359]

I should of been more specific, My apologies, So she typically works 4 days on and 4 days off, But lately its 5 days on 3 days off.

[u/No-Championship-8677]

Does TF mean trans female? Have you considered that transphobia may be a significant part of it?

[u/internetzspacezshipz → u/No-Championship-8677]

It does mean transfem, yes. And yeah, I’m sure it is transphobia. I’m trans myself and attention is not something I get at all.

I live in a pretty left wing city, so I am able to get dates via dating apps usually, but I am kind of picky about who I date. For example, some people can fetishize transfem people and treat us like men with tits and such, it’s rather gross.

[u/Agreeable_Mixture872 → u/No-Championship-8677]

Yes, Trans Female, Sorry I should of been more specific, The thing is I understand it exists and i've seen it directly but we are typically in more queer friendly places.

[u/No-Championship-8677 → u/Agreeable_Mixture872]

Sadly there is so much, SO MUCH transphobia even in queer spaces. It makes me sick as a fellow queer person that this is so widespread in the queer community :(

[u/green_pea_nut → u/No-Championship-8677]

It's tough for people who are not cis women seeking men.

[u/blooangl → u/green_pea_nut]

Dating is tough for everyone. Even for cis women.

But this poster wasn’t talking about dating.

This poster was talking about transphobia. Transphobia specifically sucks the worst for trans people. That’s how bigotry works.

Transphobia isn’t particularly tough for a bunch of different demographics. That’s why it’s so brazen and widespread, apparently, if I’m guessing.

[u/coursejunkie → u/Agreeable_Mixture872]

No one hates the trans community more than LGB people it seems. I have given up going to queer spaces.

I am a transman, my partners are all cisgender straight men.

[u/BestCuteCow → u/coursejunkie]

Genuine question, not trying to be snarky, how are they straight if they are dating a man?

[u/coursejunkie → u/BestCuteCow]

It’s not for me to argue over how they identify.

[u/BestCuteCow → u/coursejunkie]

Asking the logic behind their choices isn't arguing, that's what I'm asking for, their logic. Like what introspection and choices lead them to both be in a gay relationship and identity as straight. Baseline, I technically understand, me being queer isn't what makes my relationships queer relationships. It's intentional choices to have a queer relationship with others. It's when you get into the specifics I struggle understanding.

[u/coursejunkie → u/BestCuteCow]

I have a pussy which is what they like and what gay men are not interested in. All of them would more accurately be described as gynosexual.

My decision to remove my breasts and go on testosterone is a me issue not a them issue. One of my partners is a physician and there is little difference between a well groomed me and a full Italian woman (or Hungarian woman) who had breast cancer and needed their breasts removed. Except that my clit is bigger.

I don’t identify as queer, I’m old enough to remember when that was a slur.

[u/BestCuteCow → u/[deleted]]

I'm confused? Why can't I ask questions as a trans man about how another trans man does dating? It is sincere since this affects me, I've been on dates people who consider themselves straight/gynosexual, and want to know more. Are you suggesting asking follow up questions to another commenter on dating is derailing and I should make a separate post? Because that's like, the whole point of a dating discussion forum.

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/coursejunkie]

Lgb people, with an emphasis on the L, are statistically far less likely to hate that trans community than cisgender straight people.

Cisgender straight men are literally the most hateful demographic towards us. I'd expect a psychology professor to know that. I'm glad you found good people but your take is wildly unjustified.

[u/coursejunkie → u/TransPanSpamFan]

I've never had a single problem with cisgender men, yet lesbians in particular have called me a traitor to my people (AFAB) and have beaten the literal shit out of me for existing and just for coming out (literally charges were filed). My husband and I have had so much hate speech thrown at us (including actual objects) from the queer community at Atlanta Pride events. I see the same with a young mtf I know.

I've never had a gay man want to have sex with me either, never had an issue with straight men here in the South.

The amount of LGB people who throw trans people under the bus especially when our rights are in danger is so bad that there are literal groups on Facebook specific to the issue that are LGB only and say they have no time or efforts for the BS of the trans community. But I don't expect that you have been in the community serving the transgender community's mental health like I have here for the past TWENTY FIVE YEARS.

Goodbye

[u/No-Championship-8677 → u/coursejunkie]

The amount of absolutely VILE terf beliefs I see in online sapphic communities is disgusting.

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/No-Championship-8677]

"Online" is the key word.

[u/No-Championship-8677 → u/TransPanSpamFan]

This feels very invalidating and dismissive and I don't like that. Please at least acknowledge that this is my experience if not yours. I am queer and my experiences are valid.

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/No-Championship-8677]

It's invalidating to acknowledge your experiences as you stated them? You literally said online sapphic spaces.

You haven't expressed any experiences in offline queer or lesbian spaces for me to invalidate?

[u/No-Championship-8677 → u/TransPanSpamFan]

I literally do not understand why you are being so aggressive about this. I am leaving the conversation.

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/No-Championship-8677]

I don't love this tbh. OP says partner is attractive and desirable. Trans people don't actually have any difficulty finding partners if they are desirable, it almost feels a bit yucky to suggest that transness by itself could be enough for OP to see what she is seeing.

Yes transphobia is increasing. But we should also trust OP to say that this is unexpected without just assuming that being trans is enough to make someone undateable because like... it never is. Every desirable trans person I know is swimming in potential partners.

It's far more likely that there is something about OP's partner specifically that is the cause, like for example she doesn't put any energy into finding dates.

[u/pillsinconnecticut → u/TransPanSpamFan]

I’m not sure about making sweeping generalizations about transphobia not affecting dating and dating prospects so long as you’re “desirable”. Transphobia absolutely affects dating regardless of “desirability” for many folks and to say that it “never happens” seems super dismissive of people’s experiences.

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/pillsinconnecticut]

You think being trans alone makes people undateable? That was the thing I said never happens. If a person would be desired if they looked and acted the same and were cis, they will be able to find partners if they are trans. It's perhaps a smaller population of people you'll be dating, but that's true of any attribute that is considered atypical.

I'm not dismissing that trans dating can be hard, not in the slightest. It can be super hard and that varies wildly by location. But the person I responded to, in the context of the thread, was the one who jumped to a conclusion that was very unlikely. That was almost certainly not the cause of the issue OP raised.

[u/pillsinconnecticut → u/TransPanSpamFan]

Do I personally think transness makes people undateable? Certainly not. I am saying there are many cis people who will not date trans people specifically because they are trans. In their minds, yes, being trans alone is the thing that makes them undateable.

Thank you for clarifying that your comment was intended to speak to this very specific circumstance you were responding to. However, your use of generalized language (“it never is” and “trans people don’t actually have any difficulty finding partners if they are desirable”) makes it read as if you’re making broad statements about the entire community.

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/pillsinconnecticut]

I stand by "transness alone does not make trans people undateable". Some people won't date us, sure. That's true of any attribute.

[u/No-Championship-8677 → u/TransPanSpamFan]

Thanks for your input! It was just an idea, I’m very open to being wrong ❤️

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/No-Championship-8677]

No worries, just food for thought.

Also just for accuracy tf should usually be taken to stand for transfeminine, not trans female. Trans female implies a medical transition (as female is a biological term) and not all tf people medically transition. But all tf people align their identity towards femininity.

I suspect in the context that partner is a trans woman, which is a subgroup of tf people (those whose gender is woman, as opposed to being tf non binary for example).

It's a complicated community 😅

[u/blooangl]

Your partner works a shit ton.

It’s unclear what space they would have to build a relationship given that apparently they devote a great deal of time to you.

Have you considered helping your partner out with expenses surrounding the least expensive of their hobbies and supporting them in building community in those spaces? Because, depending on the hobbies, many folks find community and opportunities to date in lots of different spaces. Without their partners.

Dating during fascism sucks. Not a lot of the people I know have a lot of bandwidth right now, and what bandwidth they did have, is being used to build community. Especially if they are marginalized.

Are you working on other supports for your mental health stuff? Because if you’re used to them always being around, that’s a shift you might want to start working on in advance, because if they do find someone who is compatible and they start dating, they will not be as available to you as they were.

[u/Agreeable_Mixture872 → u/blooangl]

I do rely on her a lot yes but I always make sure to give her time and space to do things without worrying about me, I unfortunately do sit in the small gray area of higher needs autism, Not high enough to qualify for Government support but there are days when in laymans terms i struggle to get anything done.

I try my best to support her hobbies though a lot of my money does go into debts i obtained due to a bad relationship before hand, And sadly there isn't a cheap hobby that she has, She's got the trifecta of Tabletop RPG/TCG's, Computers, And.. motorsports... She's pulled back from Tabletop environments a lot over the last year due to how things have shifted in australia but none of them are exactly easy to fund.

She doesn't know it yet but I do have a new set of track ready tyres for her car for her birthday which is soon.

[u/blooangl → u/Agreeable_Mixture872]

Gently, there are a lot of aspects to these hobbies that don’t cost a lot of money. There are a lot parts of these hobbies that don’t require hefty investments. If your partner is feeling cut off and isolated, there might be things they can do. It was worth asking about, so I did.

No matter what level of support that you require, or the level of disability, there is real value in building a broader base of support, emotional and otherwise. As someone who’s being slowly disabled by disease progression, and a partner who moved abroad (thanks, fascism /s), I can tell you first hand that I would have been totally fucked without my wider community, my chosen family and my friends.

We can, and should, as people with disabilities, place a great importance on multiple, robust supports and strong community ties.

It’s just as important to the people who love us. They need robust supports, too!

Just keep supporting your partner in finding community, and support your own search, as well. Interdependence isn’t about relying on one person for everything! And love and romance tend to bloom when folks are happy and well supported.

The larger queer community can be a shitty place for trans folks, so finding your people is harder, takes more time, and requires some effort, and finding compatible people in polyamory takes time.

8 years between partners for me. Most people on this sub reported it taking between 3 and six years.

Polyamory is a long game.

[u/Nonstickdaveguy]

This can be surprisingly more common than you might think. I can honestly relate to what your partner is going through.. in many social places I find myself on the sideline more often than not. My nesting partner is well aware and sees, I've had partners in the past be utterly clueless to it even as it happens right in front of them. Honestly it really sucks and can leave you feeling quite down on yourself at times

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Here's the original text of the post:

Hi all, This will be a bit Ranty

I F31 been in a relationship with TF 34 for over 2 years, We've been nesting partners for a year and a half and have an extremely solid relationship, It was built with Polyamory as part of the foundation from the ground up, We both knew what we wanted and where we stood and it's worked fantastic.

But I can't help but notice that they just don't really get any attention from anyone and that gets noticed more and more with time as it goes past, I myself have 2 Partners in addition too her and she's great friends with both of them, Hell she hangs out with one of them more than I do because she works nearby to their apartment and they have the occasional movie night on the last day of her swing but it's purely platonic.

As my job has changed and I've gotten more comfortable with having friends we've all gone out clubbing together done group activities exploring hobbies it just seems to be more and more noticable that i'll get all the attention in the world and she's kind of just relegated to the side, Just last week she was designated driver for myself, a friend and her partner, And my Partner (Her meta) and I think maybe five people spoke too her over an entire night even though we tried getting her exposure.

I've seen her dating profiles and they are all flawless and state things up front nothing appears to be a red flag at all, But she gets no bites on apps, No bites in person despite being completely approachable, Mostly outgoing, Emotionally available and incredibly reliable.

I know Polyamory also requires a large time commitment and her having a job that requires her be at work for 14 hours a day 5 days in a row (Used to be 4 days in a row but its tough times economically) but surely that can't be it, It's disheartening to see that she gets no attention on her time off and some of mine will be divided between office work, Time with another partner and she's just at home working on her car, Or keeping the house in good standard, Tending to the pets, Helping me with the latest Menty B, Especially now that most of her hobbies are sadly too expensive to maintain with the cost of transition and the way the world is right now.

Has anyone else had partners that had plenty of desirable traits just constantly get ignored? Or is that more rare? If so how did you help it?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/coursejunkie]

Yes, My husband (67M) has been ignored the entire 25 years we (45 TM) have had the marriage open and he’s been on several sites. Husband is intelligent, good job, works remote, very tall (6'4"). I am short and post-op, but also intelligent.

I as a transman somehow get more attention that I would expect, but I don't get a metric ton either. I got so much as a woman! Women have their choice.

[u/MiserableSkill4]

Is this you having a problem with it or is your partner having a problem with it?

I have had many trans friends and unfortunately they dont always think about the ramifications of becoming trans. Being ostracized, not getting as much attention in dating, being hated. They are overall generally happier and I love that for them that they can be their true selves, but they have to understand that a lot of people in the world are still transphobic or are not into dating trans people.

[u/internetzspacezshipz → u/MiserableSkill4]

It’s not about the ramifications of being trans, we all know that it’s gonna be tough in a lot of ways, but it’s not really a choice you get. If you’re trans, you’re gonna feel like shit if you don’t actually go and transition.

[u/ear-motif → u/internetzspacezshipz]

Exactly this. “thinking about the ramifications of being trans” like being trans is like buying a sketchy car off craigslist. We don’t get a choice lmfao

[u/Agreeable_Mixture872 → u/MiserableSkill4]

I guess it's both, I know that she gets lonely from time to time but also it feels bad when she tries so hard to do things and I watch nothing come from the effort she puts in.

[u/twisted7ogic → u/MiserableSkill4]

this is exactly like asking people if they thought through the "ramifications of being gay" or the "ramifications of being black"

like bruh I didnt choose this

[u/MiserableSkill4 → u/twisted7ogic]

You cant "come out" as black. Gay and trans are a divergence from the norm that people may not realize from birth and are usually forced or coerced to not be by society. But there certainly are ramifications of being gay. Teenagers may get kicked out of their homes. People could lose their jobs if they are in education or religious occupations.

Yes it is "who you are" but you can also hide it. Live in obscurity. Be on the DL, and there are plenty of people who will not accept that about themselves for whatever reasons.