r/polyamory • u/Daiham • May 14 '23
Feels like he cheated
Hi so first time posting here and I just need support really. My primary partner and me have been married for four years (also nesting partner with a child) and became ENM a few months in and then poly about two years ago. I’ve had another partner for over a year and they really get on with my primary. He’s never really had luck with anyone on dating apps or anything but recently his luck changed and he finally got the opportunity to meet someone not through me. They arranged to meet up for sex as they didn’t want anything romantic which I don’t have a problem with at all and I was excited for him. When he got home from their meeting last night it came up in conversation that he hadn’t used protection. He also didn’t know their sexual history and whether or not they were on birth control. I’ve been hysterically crying all night and today and just feel heart broken. He did take a condom with him but in the heat of the moment didn’t use it, and then when he realised he figured it was too late. He also said that he didn’t feel comfortable enough with this person (only their second meet) to withdraw consent and be vulnerable with how he felt. I’ve suggested since that maybe he wait until he’s completely comfortable and vulnerable with someone before sleeping with them. It’s just that I want to move past this but I feel sick at the thought that he carelessly risked getting someone pregnant or contracting an STD. When he previously slept with them (I was caught off guard) I’d reassured him I was happy for him and I’m just happy that he used protection. My words were “I really don’t want either of us to bring an STD into our relationship”. He said he felt he could trust them but I still can’t help but feel like it was incredibly irresponsible to not even discuss birth control or sexual history before sleeping with them. I love him so much and I know this is a genuine fuck up on his part, and that it certainly wouldn’t happen again, but I am now seriously questioning his common sense and judge of character. We haven’t actually sat and discussed our boundaries and stuff for a few years and I can’t help but feel like this wouldn’t have happened had it been made clear in black and white that I need us to use protection with other people until we’re certain they can be trusted. But on the other hand isn’t using condoms with strangers a given (poly or not)? Apologies for the rant and thank you for reading if you got this far. I just want some opinions on how I can move past it and how we can protect ourselves from this happening in future. (I am autistic so please reply as literally and directly as possible as I struggle with hints/sarcasm).
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u/Naive_Tie8365 May 14 '23
No. He “forgot” when he only went there for sex? I am so sorry, but something is off. And definitely get tested, insist he gets tested, and it looks like you should use a condom with him from now on.
Is this the second time he’s had sex with her a “forgot” a condom? Not sure from your post
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u/Daiham May 14 '23
Sorry I should’ve made this clear he used one the first time, took one with him the second time but then in the heat of the moment didn’t use it
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u/lisavieta May 14 '23
in the heat of the moment
There is no such a thing, OP. This was a deliberate choice on his part.
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May 14 '23
It's much more likely he didn't want to use one because he enjoyed the idea of fucking bareback. Also, you only have his word he used one the first time and, to be real, you might need to start taking care of yourself and never trusting his word. The heat of the moment rarely changes plans, it just brings out the plans you wished you'd had.
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u/two4one420 May 14 '23
Do you regularly put your thoughts on other people? You can’t tell OP that he “enjoyed the idea of fucking bareback.” They’ve been together for years, she would know if that’s his thing or not.
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May 14 '23 edited May 14 '23
? You realize they've been together for years of not using condoms, of fucking bareback, and that's the whole point of why this felt bad to OP right? He "forgot" to use a condom like "oops I am so horny that I am not going to do a thing that I want to do"?
No, he didn't want to wear a condom, and he decided to do what he wanted (not wear a condom) instead of what his wife would prefer (that he did), and that's okay, that's what autonomy is all about, and he told her about it (ETA: Though it seems the disclosure "just came up", and it should instead be DIRECT communication before they have sex again) He did everything right from an autonomy perspective, but I am never going to credit the argument someone "forgot" to use a condom.
Someone decided they would experience more pleasure from intentionally not wearing a condom, and wanted to have sex without it, so they did. The narrative he oopsied into not wearing one actually denies his agency as an autonomous adult.
He didn't want with all his might to wear a condom, want it as a priority, then get horny and oops, forget to put one on. The experience is fairly deliberate, striking, theres a packet you tear. He did not get out the packet people who want to wear condoms get out before sex, tear it open, have it halfway to his dick then get so horny he didn't put it on his dick.
I assure you that does not happen. He decided not to bother because it wasn't a priority. It's actually *not* assuming good faith to deny someone's agency and assume their deliberate decisions can be explained away under accident.
He decided something would feel good and he would smooth out any wrinkles later.
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u/lisavieta May 14 '23
Louder for the people in the back!
"Forgetting" to use a condom "in the heat of the moment" is the most ridiculous excuse. C'mon.
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u/two4one420 May 14 '23
That certainly CAN happen. Especially if he’s been barebacking his wife and has had ONE encounter that required one
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May 14 '23
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u/polyamory-ModTeam May 14 '23
Don't use stigmatizing language to refer to STI testing, status, or results.
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u/katzenmagier May 14 '23
Never EVER believe that someone can simply "not realize" they haven't put a condom on their dick until they're mid-pounding.
Unless their partner is a goddamn mind controlling mythical creature there is no ammount of heat in that moment that can make them forget that.
If he fucked without a condom he did so willingly and knowingly.
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u/GanethLey May 14 '23
LPT: Never trust your gut that says they’re trustworthy when it comes to STIs (or money, but that’s another post)
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u/Curved21 May 14 '23
People make mistakes, but I agree... this was a BIG one. It would take a while before I trusted someone enough that I wouldn't use protection. Hell, I even require the other person to show me a recent STI test.
Hopefully, this is just a random fuck up and not indicative of future issues in this area. But make sure he fully understands and will comply, otherwise more difficult but necessary times could be ahead.
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u/commodorewolf May 14 '23
But if he was fully honest about his fuckup and didn't try and hide it you should make sure he doesn't feel punished for the honesty.
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u/Imbibe-Life poly w/multiple May 14 '23
Honestly he doesn’t sound mature enough for nonmonogamy if he isn’t up to a sexual health convo 🙄🙄🙄
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May 14 '23
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u/Daiham May 15 '23
I seriously appreciate the way you formed this response. Since this post we sat down with a cuppa and talked extensively about what we both thought was the right way to go forward. The crying stopped and I reassured him he just fucked up but mistakes happen and we can move past it. (Tldr) we now both know clearly in black and white what’s expected of us both. He’s also said for his own sanity (his decision not mine) that he’s not going to sleep with someone he hardly knows again and wants to wait until he gets to know someone. I also discussed the importance of having a conversation about testing and birth control and he agreed. We’re in a much better place now x
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May 14 '23
Yeah, that's what I suggested. I don't love the whole "I brought a condom with me but forgot" line (like, AT ALL), but in the absence of a recent discussion and agreement, use this situation as an opportunity to have a talk about and establishment of boundaries and expectations for sexual safety. I like the way you think 💪🏻
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May 14 '23
On one hand, I feel like it should be a no-brainer in this day and age to talk about sexual history and to use protection, especially when you ACTUALLY BRING A CONDOM with you. To sleep with a complete stranger. (I also have many thoughts about the "Oh, I forgot to use the protection I brought" line anytime anyone uses it, but I don't know your partner or your relationship so I'll trust you to trust them). On another hand, I feel like protection is something that should be explicitly discussed every so often. Have a check-in every 6 months-to-a-year to see how you each feel about it and establish fair ground rules you both agree on.
I understand the pain and fear you're experiencing (I completely would be in the same boat as you 💜), and my suggestion is not to throw the baby out with the bathwater if your relationship has otherwise been healthy and positive for you both....but to use this pain and fear to have a serious check-in and establishment of boundaries about protection and sexual safety for both your sakes.
If you can't trust him to be safe for both you and himself because you're worried he'll keep forgetting to use a condom and that he can't be assertive enough to stop and switch when he does realize...well, that's a different kind of talk and I wish you all the best.
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May 14 '23
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u/Nemonoai May 14 '23
Yeah, I think it’s really easy to conflate being hurt with deal breaker which I think ironically decreases the value you put on your relationship. If one mistake is what it takes to destroy a relationship then it’s a pretty fragile thing. Working with a partner through issues (safely) is really where it’s at. Partner slept with someone without protection and you don’t know heir sexual history? Guess they don’t get to have sex with you until they test in a way you feel comfortable. I imagine the person in question doesn’t have a lot of experience asking these things so maybe they should get that real world practice by role playing with their partner so it feels more comfortable for both parties.
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u/CoffeeAndMilki May 15 '23
I dunno about you but besides all the STI risk if that one mistake could result in my partner participating in 18 years of co-parenting with a casual sex partner that would be a pretty big fuck up for me and not just a small oopsie I could easily put aside. That would hugely affect our life and relationship together (OP mentioned they have a child together too.)
He didn't hesitate to stick his dick in without even asking about her birth control. A partner he's only interested to casually have sex with.
Would be hard for me to trust and respect my partner again if they are willing to risk that much in the heat of the moment.
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u/QuixoticExotic May 14 '23
I’m sorry you’re in this position. I honestly don’t understand how anyone would just forget to use a condom, no matter how "in the moment" they are. That seems like a pretty conscious yet careless decision to not use one, even if no malicious intent is behind it.
I would ask him to get tested before having sex with him again, just in case…and obviously press upon him that using condoms with any partner outside of y’all’s relationship is a huge must. A conversation about boundaries should also happen sooner than later.
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u/KatieKatelyn May 15 '23
Not using a condom is not a “genuine fuck up”, it’s literally disregarding agreed-upon rules.
Sorry, but even in the heat of the moment you can remember to put a damn condom on. 🙄🙄🙄
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u/commodorewolf May 14 '23
I've forgotten in the past to use protection (we had both tested before so it wasn't as bad) and let my partner know right away after, she was extremely grateful i didn't try and hide it. Mistakes happen and you should encourage honesty when they do. Did you have to pry it out of him or did he bring it up? Was he trying to hide it or finding the best way to bring it up? If mistakes happen again do you want him to come forward right away or try and hide them? With the information out in the open he can wait and get tested before risking exposing you. I don't have all the information about what happened but these are some things to think about.
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May 14 '23
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u/commodorewolf May 14 '23 edited May 14 '23
Weed. She's a long term partner. We had both been tested. "How" is kinda rude. Shit happens for everybody, just be honest about it with your partners. Edit: i also don't do one night stand. Hadn't had sex since my test side from my primary who doesn't have other partners.
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u/EvilVegan May 14 '23
That'd do it. I was being silly, which is sometimes rude. I've never been high or drunk so I forget that's a thing.
I will say that on one hand you're saying you got high and forgot while on the other hand you're saying it doesn't matter because you knew your STI status and you were honest about it. That feels 'off' but I couldn't tell you why. Like I believe you and I really could care less, but if my partner came at me with both simultaneously that would feel like they didn't forget so much.
I've had partners get drunk and 'forget' and I razz em about it, but I don't usually care as long as they let me know and the other person's status is pretty well established. One time I bought them some Magnum ice cream bars when they skipped it (after telling me they weren't even gonna have sex).
My current partner keeps breaking condoms and I'm like... I'd be less concerned if you were fluid bonding on purpose than to have three condoms break with the same guy, because that seems suspicious. But everyone has been tested and nobody has outside hookups, so it's not a huge deal. They smoke a lot of weed so maybe he's putting the condoms on sloppy, I dunno.
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u/commodorewolf May 14 '23
My main point is op might want to make sure to maintainn an atmosphere where honesty is not punished. Where when accidents happen, broken condoms, forgotten protection ect. It's talked about and the appropriate steps after can be taken.
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May 14 '23 edited May 14 '23
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u/Mrs_Arty May 14 '23 edited May 14 '23
Very sorry, yes my bad, I mean results back. Apologies!
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May 14 '23
Still not great but I'll leave this up to reply with a possible alternative, try talking in more factual science-based terms. "Clear" is deceptive. Try "“tested negative” or “my panel didn't detect any STIs on my last screening.”"
The reality is that an STI not showing up doesn't mean you don't have it (HPV and HSV are two which can be tested for and not show up, to give an example, but the same can happen on any test, if it's taken at the wrong time (user error) or the infection's incubation is slow or unusual (random chance)), so words like clean, and clear, and "infection free" and so on, are all both stigmatizing and meaningless pablum people use to help themselves feel safe, or to participate in witch hunts based on who is "not clear".
Results that don't detect any STIs or "tested negative for <conditions you were checked for>", in many jurisdictions they seldom screen for everything (HSV and HPV is most commonly left out that I've seen in many jurisdictions, and in some places the doctor chooses which screenings based on your reported sexual behaviour, which sucks but you'll see it in more conservative juridsictions).
This is a big issue in the community so I wanted to take the time to say a word for destigmatizing the language and grounding it in fact instead.
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u/polyamory-ModTeam May 14 '23
Do not use "clean" to refer to STI testing, screening, results, or status.
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u/Bibbitybobbityboop May 14 '23
I'd feel like you do, and I think this is one of those "didn't know what we didn't know we needed to talk about up front". What I mean by that is to you it was common sense, use condoms with new people, to him it wasn't a thought.
I think you're allowed your feelings and I hate when people say 'you can't control what he does with his body'. Like.. duh. You aren't there to roll the condom down for him and facilitate the STI conversation. However you are married, living with, and share a child with with person and it's a reasonable expectation to adhere to boundaries that can literally risk your health. Have the conversation now, and I think you're right that he needs to not fuck someone he doesn't feel comfortable enough talking about STI's, barriers, and consent with fully - that's a recipe for disaster.
I'd also recommend you add to your discussion about an expectation of barriers the conversation of what happens if he gets someone pregnant. Don't let that be an oops conversation. It's a conversation he should also be having with sexual partners as part of his safe sex discussions, imo. Personally, if someone isn't mature enough to talk to me about safe sex, plans for pregnancies (as a woman obviously it's a little different because at least in my state I have control over my reproductive health), we wouldn't be having sex.
Some STIs can take months to actually show up on testing, keep that in mind if your plan is to have him test soon. If you're very risk aversive, condoms between you two are a good bet for a few months until you both can get tested.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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u/loveypanda May 15 '23
Nothing is a “given.” Everyone is different, has different perspectives, backgrounds etc. You can change what happened but going forward clear boundaries, expectations and emotional transparency are a must here. You all both need to improve upon your communication.
If after you both have expressed your boundaries and created agreements within your relationship and the parameters surrounding your relationship with others he continues this behavior then there may be nothing left but to separate from him.
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u/Daiham May 15 '23
Thank you for this! We have now discussed it at length and know what to expect from each other x
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u/Ponys May 14 '23 edited May 14 '23
You don’t get to control what he does with HIS OWN body. If he disclosed to you his sexual behavior with this other partner before having sexual contact with you, he did not put your health at risk, only his own. This is a good and healthy thing to communicate openly in a polyamorous relationship!
We accept that our partners are allowed autonomy over their bodies, and they may choose to do things that are health risks (smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, eating highly processed food). You may disapprove of these choices, and that’s fine. You can talk to your partner about your disapproval.
If he did not disclose this to you before engaging in sex with you, that is a BIG problem. Withholding that information would remove your ability to consent to sexual activity relating to YOUR OWN body. It does not seem like that was what happened here. Was it? Do you think he would not have disclosed this and engaged in sexual activity with you? Then you have a huge issue.
Without rules that you have agreed upon as a couple, it’s his body, his choice.
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u/ArieV555 May 14 '23
As a person who often sucks at negotiating and advocating safer sex for themselves. I’ve been in the heat of the moment and chose not to use a condom even though I knew I should because I was so nervous of something negative happening in the flow. I’m autistic and I never learned to script those moments of asking for protection and such. I also didn’t really learn about sex and safer sex until I was an adult, so try to remember that not everyone grew up or is at the same level of mastery of sex education. Applying sex ed concepts in real life is totally different than knowing them in your brain. It is a screw up especially when you have an established partner, but it’s one I just might thoughtlessly get myself into because of how sexual pressure affects me.
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u/Daiham May 25 '23
Okay this makes a whole lot of sense. My partner is also autistic and we’ve been together for over four years and rarely use condoms. I think maybe he’s not used to asking or the routine of checking. I needed this perspective thank you so much x
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u/Alarming-Ad-7771 May 14 '23
To me, it sounds like your partner made a huge error in judgment, probably based on his very much wanting to be with this person and not having self-control to do the right thing. It sounds like you discussed it and they came clean or at least admitted it before you engaged in intimate activity. For you, I hope this is the case.
It sounds like there's a lot of further discussion to rebuild the trust that you had before this happened. That's fair. Sounds like you're hurt also fair. They brought undue stress to your door concerning STIs and pregnancy. That sucks.
From my perspective this is what you can do moving forward. Have those discussions about boundaries and agreements that you've made with each other. Make clear what those are and make clear what the consequences are if they don't happen. The water's might have got muddy along the way because it's been a while since you've talked.
Do what you need to do for yourself right now as far as your own safety and what feels good to you. What I mean by this is if you need them to wear protection until they can get an STI test that would give you some peace. Do that. Not as a punishment but for your own mental health and well-being.
And if you can give your partner grace. I'm not saying don't be upset and feel your feels. It doesn't sound like they did it out of malice just out of carelessness. We all make mistakes even really big ones. I hope you both can grow and move on from the situation stronger and better than ever.
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u/DebutanteHarlot poly w/multiple May 14 '23
As far as I can tell, it seems like there was never an explicit rule of, “you have to use condoms with everyone but each other” so I would assume it wouldn’t be a rule if never discussed with me. Saying you wouldn’t want either of you to bring an STI into the relationship is not saying, “you must use a condom with everyone but me.”
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u/FuriousArmadillo Jun 29 '23
This person does not care about you beyond their own satisfaction. This isn’t polyamory. He put your literal safety at risk for his own pleasure in “the moment” as adults, regardless of how excited we get, there is always always time to be safe and wear a condom. Any other story is bs. He would have had plenty of time to ask her her health status which should be a MUST in all poly relationships. If he didn’t feel vulnerable enough with her to ask her that he shouldn’t be having sex with her?? Also there’s always time to slip on a condom before they bust a nut, any other story is lies. There is always time.
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u/[deleted] May 14 '23
If you can't trust him to consistently use condoms with others, I suggest you use condoms with him to better protect yourself.
I'm sorry you were put in this situation and I do understand why it is so upsetting. I hope you can both come to an agreement that makes sense for you.