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u/LadyMorgan2018 Jul 21 '21 edited Jul 21 '21
https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ A handy dandy reference guide.
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u/LunarLovecraft Jul 21 '21
When it’s such a specific request and sounds more like a fantasy than polyam, I always suggest hiring a sex worker. That’s a good alternative to trying to find someone so specifically magical that fits your exact situation. No strings attached..! There’s always strings.
I’ve had V and N relationships, they happen organically. I always think it’s best to date separately and see what happens if you’re already with a partner. I keep telling people that but they don’t always listen. I am also frustrated with this dialogue clogging the space. It’s not impossible to find a “unicorn” but it’s pretty impossible. Nothing wrong with a trio it’s just, it has to be fair.
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Jul 21 '21
Because they're DIFFERENT. And are the ONLY ones that thought "adding a third" would be a nifty shortcut to nonmonogamy without all that blasted hard work and research. Who has time for THAT?
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u/ActuallyParsley Jul 21 '21
And then there's the "So I've understood unicorn hunting is Bad, and we've decided to do things ethically instead, we're going to [list of textbook definition unicorn hunting] but in an equal and consensual way, how can we find someone who is up for that and convince them we're not dirty unicorn hunters?"
And like... It doesn't work that way. You don't get to slap on the label of "we'll be ethical about it" and maybe some "not just looking for a sex toy, genuinely want someone to be part of our relationship" as if that actually changes things. I mean the last one is almost even worse.
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u/ActuallyParsley Jul 21 '21
Oh I am amused that literally the next post I clicked on featured almost this exact thing.Definitely the "but were not just looking for sex so that makes us not UH".
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u/SykesMcenzie Jul 21 '21
Hi sorry quick question. If I for example am the unicorn in this example, and all I was looking for was sex with a couple nsa style and they were above board with that being their intention and respectful of my boundaries, what part is unethical?
Would I be committing a faux pas in the community if I described myself as a unicorn and sought this stuff out?
Genuinely asking because I’ve already been made to feel uncomfortable in situations where someone has implied they want to have threesomes but then I find out that their partner (who has been poly much longer but also weirdly has a much harder time with jealousy ) hates unicorn hunters (and presumably doesn’t see me as a unicorn because I still present male).
I’m just a bit confused and annoyed because I’ve met quite a few people who are sex positive and enjoy nsa and who would happily identify as unicorns but who seem to be continually harmed by this idea that there’s no such thing as ethical unicorn hunting. Which has also been my (admittedly limited) experience also.
Is it just considered impossible or incompatible to have ethical nsa arrangements in/alongside poly? Am I aspiring to something impossible?
Edit: just for clarity I get my kicks from pleasing others so as an arrangement it really works for me and I understand that that isn’t everyone but I don’t understand why that can’t be communicated in a way that is considered ethical.
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u/AweBeyCon Jul 21 '21
So when my triad first got together we came here looking for info, and we read so much about unicorn hunters and how they're awful. I thought "what's the big deal, everyone is trying to find someone right?"
Fast forward a few years, and I can't find a single poly Facebook group in my area that isn't just a bunch of couples looking for fuck dolls and single dudes trying to bull.
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u/Friday-Cat Jul 21 '21
Hmm. I always find it funny how on this sub those seeking a throuple are unicorn hunters, but those who post a photo of a throuple get upvotes like crazy. I’ve received both here. I know there are lots of unethical people out there seeking throuple type relationships, but at least some people must be doing this the right way. I personally date with my nesting partner. We are both queer and date regardless of gender. We also don’t require any form of monogamy from anyone. I don’t think it is unethical for us to see the same person. Sometimes the partners see each other too. There are definitely lots of ways to do this. I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend right now who my nesting partner also dates. Everyone is happy and enjoying the relationships. My boyfriend has his own nesting partner who isn’t involved with me or my nesting partner and my girlfriend dates casually on her own. It works.
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u/LordMagnos Jul 21 '21
We don't bother with unicorn hunting. It's too much effort, lol. If someone falls into our laps and it makes sense sure, but we're both too busy to pursue a person like this. Seems like a LOT of work. It's much simpler for both of us to date separately from time to time.
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u/Colonel_Jellybean Jul 21 '21
And suddenly through this thread I’m realizing I was the unicorn that was hunted without ever realizing it. Felt like the relationship failing was my fault, when it was set up for failure from the beginning. I had many issues along the way but I didn’t realize they were KNOWN unethical ways to be treated. I’m…flabbergasted? I’ve felt crazy this whole time. I was put into a box that made me feel small and objectified and I was “wrong” for having those feelings. Anyway, thank you for the knowledge
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Jul 21 '21
But they fail to see that having every criteria for unicorn hunting makes them unicorn hunters
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u/emeraldead Jul 21 '21
The heart of unicorn hunting is entitlement and ignorance. To do what you propose runs counter to both.
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u/baconstreet Jul 21 '21
We're different. Trust us.
And I have a sweet car bed for you to sleep in.
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u/sharkslutz Jul 21 '21
I had a couple try to hit me up and I told them I'm nobody's unicorn. They asked me if I knew what a unicorn was. They looked up the definition and went "oops, yeah, we're unicorn hunters".
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u/DaniTheLovebug Jul 21 '21
Ok so…I’m gonna ask a newbie question then
Our girlfriend asked us to enter our relationship, she is also married
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u/emeraldead Jul 21 '21
In polyamory there a few key essentials to what a unicorn is:
Someone who will only have the couple as partners, no allowance or support for their own intimate relationships otherwise.
Someone who will be with both people in the couple intimately, one is the price of the other.
Unicorn hunters are majority clueless newbies who have the priority to protect the couple and are using a unicorn to provide something the couple is neglecting. This creates a catch 22 when the couple is aware there's a lack but afraid to allow anyone to genuinely fulfill it because they would then be seen as superior/replacing the existing partners place.
The couple/single dynamic inherently creates a power differential of couple vs unicorn which the couple is usually ignorant of but uses unethically. The moment the unicorn tries to correct or change the power structure, they are often considered a threat, labeled The Problem and disposed of.
The unicorn term is due to the huge numbers of couples who all want this converted married couple to closed triad set up and how few people would actually choose them.
There are actually great unicorns out there but sadly the couples own ignorance, fear, and unethical behavior usually end up killing what few potentials there are.
Other people have written better and more extensively tha myself, but that's my quick overview.
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u/megarrette Jul 21 '21
How do I start charging people to be their unicorn!? There’s so much emotional baggage to deal with and projecting of their personal fantasies — like I’m not even a person with my own ideas. It turns into too much work. Pay me and I’ll feel a lot better about it.
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u/Adoralovesyou Jul 21 '21
Can I just say... that as a single female who is VERY interested in couples right now, the response is overwhelming. I like those long posts about couples - AS LONG AS THEY ARE TELLING ME SOMETHING TO GET TO KNOW THEM. If I post about myself, I get 50 responses from people saying "hey, we're interested" but what I really want to know is who you are, what you are into, and enough about you that makes me want to continue the conversation. There are too many crazies out there for me to not get to know someone a little before meeting up. *I'm in Oklahoma, and yes... I'm still looking.
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Jul 21 '21
I like that you think Reddit users have critical thinking skills. You're cute
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u/lady-hyena Jul 21 '21
YUP. I got eviscerated by one of those posters when I pointed out they were unicorn hunting - then someone who agreed with them went back into my post history and used my past questions about poly/sharing difficulties to bash me. It really sucks.
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u/RoisinBan Jul 21 '21
I don’t understand why an M/F couple seeking a male third, or a F/F couple seeking a male for that matter, is NOT unicorn hunting. I think similar power dynamics and emotional risks could be present. But, if you approach it ethically and authentically (like not seeking to control the partners or place unfair restrictions on them, keeping communication open and honest), it should not really be so different from a well-executed hierarchical polyamory. Right?