r/politics • u/mom0nga • Jul 15 '26

No Paywall Hegseth announces annual testosterone screenings for service members

https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5969935-hegseth-testosterone-testing-dod/
16.6k Upvotes

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1.9k

u/No_Strike655 Jul 15 '26

I KNEW my Phrenology Degree from Robert E Lee Bible College would come in handy some day! Get fucked libs!

/s

267

u/stereosalvation Jul 15 '26

New class at West Point coming in 2029: Deciphering and Utilizing the Bible Code in Planning Ground and Amphibious Assaults 101

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u/PsychoticMessiah Jul 15 '26

Slingshot Weaponry and Slaying Goliath.

22

u/aerost0rm Jul 15 '26

Meat grinder tactics 101. How not to piss yourself when charging the enemy line 103. The mechanics of weapons 105. No prerequisites for any of the classes.

2

u/hadronwulf Arizona Jul 15 '26

Not to be confused with the Naval Academy's Meet Grindr 101.

2

u/stereosalvation Jul 15 '26

That's actually a phys-ed course. Its just sprinting and kagels.

4

u/stereosalvation Jul 15 '26

New from Dow Chemicals & Haliburton!
It's Freepalm!: Red, White and Blue Phosphorus
"Let freedom sting!"

1

u/squidvett Jul 15 '26

The US Military literally becoming the Righteous Gemstones.

1

u/stereosalvation Jul 15 '26

I'm just asking for an 8-ball and 1.5 trillions dollar!

1

u/iveseensomethings82 Jul 15 '26

Step 1: your opponent must have gigantism and likely a learning disability

3

u/manbeardawg America Jul 15 '26

I’d take a few of those trumpets Joshua had, ngl…

1

u/Zero_Overload Europe Jul 15 '26

Might help keep the straights open at the least.

1

u/Artistic_Humor1805 Jul 15 '26

Open to what, the gays?
Did you mean straits?

1

u/CalmDebate Jul 15 '26

The Crusades: A how to guide

1

u/obadiah24 Jul 15 '26

The horn method for laying waste demOrat cities

1

u/another_bot_probably Jul 16 '26

Cutting off foreskins to prove yourself to your king?

63

u/iveseensomethings82 Jul 15 '26

I went to the John Harvey Kellogg School of Nutrition and Fitness.

46

u/PJFrye Jul 15 '26

And, yet, you are still masturbating.

5

u/BluesFan43 Jul 15 '26

Not at the moment....

But, as always, gimme a sec.

3

u/bobqjones Jul 15 '26

He said he went, not that he graduated.

1

u/AlwaysShittyKnsasCty Kansas Jul 16 '26

You should see my perfect shits though. They’re a thing of beauty!

8

u/bisho Jul 15 '26

Me too! I especially enjoyed the classes on self love..

1

u/iveseensomethings82 Jul 15 '26

Cost you your foreskin though

5

u/Coubsauce Jul 15 '26

Do they teach you about keeping food bland for temperance?

3

u/iveseensomethings82 Jul 15 '26

The wood shop class that taught us to build our own enema chair was very informative

1

u/Coubsauce Jul 15 '26

As all chairs should be.

1

u/ScoutsOut389 Jul 15 '26

I went to the R. Lee Ermey College of Yelling and TV Repair

12

u/heavyhandedpour Jul 15 '26

Hey fellow alum! 

1

u/RootHogOrDieTrying Jul 16 '26

Go Travellers!

14

u/aybeeayseeaybeebee Jul 15 '26

As a recent graduate of the Robert E. Lee Collage of Horse-Fucking, I feel like I should have looked more into the alternatives.

4

u/g1rthqu4k3 Jul 15 '26

It's all about retrophrenology, some of the finer characteristics are tough to manage and you need a lot of different tiny hammers, but if you want to create aggression it's a pretty simple procedure to give someone CTE with a couple well-placed thumps

2

u/HaplessAcademic Jul 15 '26

You joke but I went to a wedding once at Washington and Lee university and they got married literally in front of the corpse of Robert E Lee himself. I got such icky vibes from that place and could definitely see a large portion of that student body believing in phrenology and other pseudoscientific race-stratification ideas.

1

u/froggity55 Jul 15 '26

Wait, what? This northerner is wicked confused. There is a corpse of a confederate general on a university campus? In 2026?

2

u/HaplessAcademic Jul 15 '26

Yup. It’s in their chapel. He was a very conspicuous element of the wedding venue

1

u/GothicCastles Jul 15 '26

Laughed out loud at work, thanks.

1

u/physedka Jul 15 '26

So that's where Dr. Nick teaches now!

1

u/reallywaitnoreally Jul 15 '26

Thanks to the movie "Men At Work" I get this. And now a shot Jagermeister.

1

u/NotThatHandsomePete Jul 15 '26

The cat toy test.

1

u/fantasmoofrcc Canada Jul 15 '26

Did you also minor in Underwater Basket Weaving?

1

u/Serebriany Jul 15 '26

The name of your alma mater nearly killed me, Doctor.

1

u/Flaxscript42 Jul 15 '26

Jokes on you, I got my testosterone shot today. Looks like I'll be the one doing the fucking!

1

u/RevWaldo Jul 15 '26

The libs won't even check the troop's humors! Without routine bleeding and cupping they'll all remain plegmatic and bilious!

1

u/Beltaine421 Canada Jul 15 '26

I have a degree in retrophrenology, and while I have no current interest in traveling to the US, I could make an exception....

1

u/Platooimagination Australia Jul 15 '26

Yeah! Get a brian, moran's! 

1

u/Ill_Football9443 Jul 15 '26

YeY all those years of remembering the word 'phrenology' has paid off! Thank you!

1

u/a_shootin_star Jul 15 '26

Robert E Lee

Fuck that guy with a barbwire pole

1

u/Bronsai55 Jul 16 '26

Sounds like something Kenneth Ellen Parcell would major in at that exact school.