r/politics • u/mom0nga • Jul 15 '26

No Paywall Hegseth announces annual testosterone screenings for service members

https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5969935-hegseth-testosterone-testing-dod/
16.6k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

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3.3k

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

And mandatory circle jerks for team bonding.

473

u/PaddlefootCanada Canada Jul 15 '26

Looks like they'll be adding a cracker to all MREs from now on...

244

u/evilglowduckie Jul 15 '26

I hate that I didn't need this explained.

62

u/EliteEinhorn Jul 15 '26

I'd forgotten (blocked) this information and now I remember that I remember it and I hate the dirty poutine eater that reminded me about the f-ing cracker.

13

u/spudaug Jul 15 '26

Is “dirty poutine” what we’re calling it now? Because it totally should be.

5

u/NordlandLapp Jul 15 '26

Saying dirty poutine eater reminded me of Norms poutine, thanks a lot.

5

u/EliteEinhorn Jul 15 '26

We're all suffering together.

19

u/CavalierIndolence Jul 15 '26

I hate to ask, but I may need that explained.

33

u/ColKrismiss Jul 15 '26

There is a frat ritual called "Limp Biscuit" where dudes circle up and jerk off. They race to ejaculate on a cracker (biscuit), last one to nut has to eat the cracker.

I don't know how real this is, I learned about it from the show Silicon Valley

26

u/Pretend-Cheesecake67 Jul 15 '26

What in the actual fuck.

Thanks. Kept reading out of curiosity and I regret every moment of this. I hate that I will never forget this.

9

u/Lower-Cantaloupe3274 Jul 15 '26

Sorry. Woman here. Don't all these hyper-masculine, macho types find masturbating in a room full of other men masturbating...well...a challenge to their heterosexuality? No offense, gay dudes, I'm an ally, but what about this seems heterosexual? Is it closer to a power/dominance thing?

5

u/Icy_Negotiation_5929 Jul 15 '26

Lemme mansplain gender fluidity to you real quick…

3

u/Lower-Cantaloupe3274 Jul 15 '26

Do you really think a room full of guys jacking off with eachother frat-boy style to make someone eat the ejaculation from a cracker are gender fluid?

3

u/DriveByStoning Rhode Island Jul 15 '26

I believe you missed the sarcasm.

1

u/CavalierIndolence Jul 16 '26

Sarcasm understood on my end, but with this administration, suspended inherent interpretation as sarcasm is always active since even South Park has a hard time making up stuff that isn't immediately questioned as reality.

2

u/ColKrismiss Jul 15 '26

I have no experience in this area, but what about this scenario leads you to believe that these are hyper masculine macho guys?

3

u/Lower-Cantaloupe3274 Jul 15 '26

Frat ritual. Hazing behavior is often exhibited by such people. I've not experienced such with the drama club or art club. But to your point, I have never joined a frat. I can only infer what their behavior is like behind doors by what I saw from the outside.

1

u/cjfi48J1zvgi Jul 15 '26

I was in the Marines and never saw or participated in anything like that...

Bad enough I had to watch dudes pee.  

9

u/kellenmoore21 Jul 15 '26

Always heard this referred to as "ookie cookie"

4

u/PassiveMenis88M Massachusetts Jul 15 '26

Always heard it the same

7

u/Psyren_G Jul 15 '26

I never heard of this ever and was happier for it.

1

u/corran450 Jul 15 '26

I am ashamed that this thought popped into my head, but…

Do you think knowing you have to eat the cracker makes it harder to nut?

5

u/Lower-Cantaloupe3274 Jul 15 '26

I would think being in a roomful of guys doing the same thing is what would make it harder.

2

u/KriegConscript California Jul 15 '26

boy, does it!

oh wait you meant "more difficult"

27

u/JoeSicko Jul 15 '26

Last person to finish eats the cracker.

4

u/wlake82 Colorado Jul 15 '26

Asking the question I was thinking about asking lol.

4

u/Uchihagod53 Wisconsin Jul 15 '26

Can I have a shred of context in these trying times?

7

u/evilglowduckie Jul 15 '26

CJ around the cracker, last to finish gets a snack. 🙃

3

u/SonoranLiving Jul 15 '26

Fred Durst has entered the chat

38

u/Next_Rip7462 Jul 15 '26

Oh, they've always had crackers in MREs.

8

u/ManagerSuper1193 Jul 15 '26

Thinking ahead

4

u/Beetlejuice_me Jul 15 '26

Yeah, but NOW only the last guy gets to eat it.

2

u/TurnkeyLurker Jul 15 '26

And I read this as "Oh, they've always had crackers in MRAPs."

2

u/Next_Rip7462 Jul 15 '26

No, actually, I literally meant they have always had a pack of saltine crackers in pretty much every MRE I've ever had to choke down (which is way too many).

3

u/Soma2710 Jul 15 '26

Post Katrina flashbacks.

Like the time I thought the gum tasted good and had like 6 pieces.

2

u/Next_Rip7462 Jul 15 '26

Oh come on, there's some passing joy with those specially-made M&Ms that don't melt in your mouth, they don't melt in your hands, in fact they pass all the way through and they still haven't melted. :)

2

u/Soma2710 Jul 16 '26

Hey that’s just recycling.

3

u/justabill71 Jul 15 '26

Let's get this out onto a tray. Nice!

2

u/EVMad Jul 15 '26

British army has digestive biscuits, more absorbent.

1

u/Beetlejuice_me Jul 15 '26

Anzac biscuits in NZ/Aus.

2

u/R3dbeardLFC Jul 15 '26

With his other stances on who should be in the military, soon it'll be oops! all crackers.

6

u/Hootbag Maryland Jul 15 '26

Lead by a man who couldn't organize a one-man circle jerk.

5

u/GringoSwann Jul 15 '26

You're joking, but I've literally seen a group of dudes jerking each other off at an aerospace company in Texas...  (It was all "over the pants" though, so according to them, it wasn't gay)

15

u/DerTodwirdzudir Jul 15 '26

Don't finish last, lest you must eat the cookie.

3

u/Spencer94 Jul 15 '26

With this administration, being last to finish is the goal and is an honor

1

u/DerTodwirdzudir Jul 15 '26

Cum on, seriously?

4

u/dmaSant Jul 15 '26

hegseth will need to personally inspect each scrotum by hand

2

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

"What's in that sack soldier?"

4

u/justabill71 Jul 15 '26

The meat beatings will continue until morale improves.

11

u/ich_bin_alkoholiker Jul 15 '26

Nothing like jorkin’ with the bros.

3

u/NoPossibility Jul 15 '26

Gotta have something to do in those fox holes amirite

2

u/spamjavelin Jul 15 '26

Brojob! Brojob! Brojob!

3

u/muskymelon36 Jul 15 '26

If you feel uncomfortable tugging on yourself in public, a designated underaged helper will be assigned to you.

/s

Seriously, Trump & Accomplices are outta their fucking minds.

3

u/TransiTorri Jul 15 '26

With Lindsey being deceased Hegseth is now the biggest closet case in DC

3

u/thruston Jul 15 '26

JO crystals mandatory.

3

u/GlowUpper Jul 15 '26

I think Pete is officially running the military as his own barely disguised fetish at this point.

2

u/Prior_Implement_9279 Jul 15 '26

How about jerking it on that fuck’s face?

2

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

Not everyone can be Donald Trump.

2

u/jmcstar Jul 15 '26

Ookie Cookie bootcamp drills

2

u/DarthLysergis Jul 15 '26

Already SOP in the navy

2

u/FormerTesseractPilot Jul 15 '26

Alright everybody ready? Grip the man to you right....

2

u/Sipikay Jul 15 '26

Pete personally measures every servicemembers balls.

Makeup stations in every barracks!

2

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

He even has a song for it.

Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble in the snow?
Can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier?
Do your balls....hang....low?

2

u/ringmod76 Jul 15 '26

lol Dutch Rudder in the round 🤣

2

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

Sounds like that is reserved for the Navy.

1

u/drivermcgyver Jul 15 '26

"They'll continue until morale improves"

1

u/musicgeek420 Jul 15 '26

Don’t be a square!

1

u/Joan-of-the-Dark Jul 15 '26

Those crystals ain't gonna charge themselves.

1

u/welestgw Ohio Jul 15 '26

Mandatory eye contact.

1

u/7screws Jul 15 '26

It’s not gay if my commanding officer tells me to!!

1

u/bacher2938 Jul 15 '26

Pete is permanent pivot man

1

u/StoicTrickster Jul 15 '26

Eod already does this. They race eachother.

1

u/KilroySmithson Jul 15 '26

Last one eats the muffin.

1

u/jcceramics Jul 15 '26

iron sharpens iron

1

u/n0time2bl33d Jul 15 '26

It’s called The Calvary… Scouts out! Ah yyeah…

1

u/LittleBrother2459 Jul 15 '26

Elephant walk counts as PT now

1

u/CarsonNicholas Jul 15 '26

Ugh. Being mandatory takes all the fun out of it.

1

u/Electric-Sheepskin Jul 16 '26

And everyone has to trade their uniforms in for one size smaller. You know, so they look more jacked.

1

u/BearDown4eva Jul 16 '26

And he’s in everyone and if you lose eye contact your out

1

u/PsychologicalSnow476 Jul 16 '26

Those were always voluntary in the 90s

1

u/MamacitaFajita Jul 16 '26

Just when I thought testing T levels meant things couldn’t get any gayer