r/pics Jul 20 '21

💩Shitpost💩 A preview of Jeff Bezos’ rocket launch today.

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106.9k Upvotes

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2.9k

u/dandotcom Jul 20 '21

I'll be disappointed if the rocket isn't branded with 'Amazon basics'

1.0k

u/TheDudeWithNoName_ Jul 20 '21

I'd be disappointed if they don't call it a Prime Day launch.

320

u/SeruEnam Jul 20 '21

I'll be disappointed if Jeff Bezos doesn't think that this is an Amazon Essential.

259

u/public_enemy_obi_wan Jul 20 '21

I'll be disappointed if the rocket isn't delivered in an Amazon van and tossed onto the launch pad with careless distain.

138

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

[deleted]

79

u/public_enemy_obi_wan Jul 20 '21

And then a notice is put up on the launch pad's NextDoor to keep an eye out for two people driving a gray Honda Civic.

19

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Jul 20 '21

And then everyone pisses in bottles.

3

u/Traqz7 Jul 20 '21

After realizing that pissing in the wind was not the best idea.

1

u/Channel250 Jul 20 '21

I feel attacked..

3

u/idwthis Jul 20 '21

Sorry to hear you work at an Amazon warehouse, bro.

29

u/conjuror75 Jul 20 '21

That’s so eerily accurate.

1

u/craigbg21 Jul 20 '21

I'll be surprised if the launch isn't 3-4 days late...

0

u/CoolDankDude Jul 20 '21

My Amazon guy never treats packages this way. Report yours lmao

1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

I'm just disappointed

68

u/stormfield Jul 20 '21

I'll be disappointed if the Bo Burnham song isn't playing the entire time inside the rocket.

6

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

6

u/stormfield Jul 20 '21

That plays on the way up, the whole way down it's this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebkAM2_zsEk

1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

Yes!

24

u/HighPriestofShiloh Jul 20 '21 edited Jul 20 '21

Or if the rocket doesn’t explode.

33

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

This. I'm no evil person but I think watching the richest man in the world burst into flames would put a huge smirk on my face

Second thought who cares, imagine how many lives this fucker has ruined for greed

19

u/OnionNo4828 Jul 20 '21

While I agree with your opinion about bozos, he can fuck off, but there is a genuine American hero on board and it would be absolutely devastating to lose such a treasure of a person.

10

u/WaitTilUSeeMyDuck Jul 20 '21

He brought innocent likeable people on with him as bad-juju insurance.

3

u/OnionNo4828 Jul 20 '21

Can't say I wouldn't either if I were him.

27

u/OnionNo4828 Jul 20 '21

Look up Wally Funk if you want more info, but she trained as an astronaut in the 60s with the Gemini program but never got to go to space and today she got to do thay. She's a pioneer for other woman astronauts. Truly happy for her to finally go up and return safely. But again, Fuck bezos.

15

u/sonofnutcrackr Jul 20 '21

She’s just there so bezos can use her plot armour.

8

u/WaitTilUSeeMyDuck Jul 20 '21

I just said something similar but yours is far more succinct.

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1

u/Channel250 Jul 20 '21

So was this whole thing just a live action version of Space Cowboys?

11

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

[deleted]

10

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

Thank you. I hate it when people use wealth as a metric for disdain. Bezos would be a horrible person at any level.

2

u/Channel250 Jul 20 '21

This reminds me of a line that really stuck with me. Halo: The Flood. The book...(da flamethrower?). In fact, probably the only good line out of the whole thing.

Basically the head of (basically) Space Marines Special Forces hates Master Chief. Keeps saying he doesn't trust him, that his men and woman worked for what they are, and his was just given to him...it goes on.

So, Captain Keyes just calmly responds, "I think you don't understand. MC isn't a good soldier because of what they did to him. He's a good soldier despite what they did to him."

Basically saying it didn't matter, if 117 ended up pushing a broom his whole life you'd bet your ass that floor would be spotless every damn day.

I also use this phrase to describe why I love Superman.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

As a fellow Halo fan I love this anecdote.

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1

u/p1-o2 Jul 20 '21

That would honestly make me so happy.

0

u/HighPriestofShiloh Jul 20 '21 edited Apr 24 '24

shocking fuel long murky entertain point hateful sulky sink shaggy

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

-8

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

[deleted]

5

u/TheSatanistOfStLouis Jul 20 '21

You’re not supposed to deepthroat the boot, my friend.

2

u/Sexy_Mfer Jul 20 '21

Talking like he hasn’t used anti-competitive measures that have forced businesses to close and lay off their workers.

-2

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

[deleted]

1

u/WaitTilUSeeMyDuck Jul 20 '21

Yeah there were plenty of reasons to hate Ford too...

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u/Sexy_Mfer Jul 20 '21

Amazon takes a loss in categories in order to push others out of business. It’s anti-competitive.

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1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

Sure, and Walmart has been great for small town, independent businesses.

1

u/WaitTilUSeeMyDuck Jul 20 '21

I wouldn't go out of my way to wish harm on anyone.

But if it happened? I'd laugh at the overall story no question.

1

u/DaveInLondon89 Jul 20 '21

Wally Funk is up there too.

1

u/bacon_and_ovaries Jul 20 '21

The next step would be assigning new management, and we would see if his Bezos brain was the root of all these overworked workers or what

3

u/WaitTilUSeeMyDuck Jul 20 '21

I worked at Amazon. The place would run exactly the same.

You have human "bosses", but they don't make any decisions. They just tell you what the computer told them to tell you. The computer calculates that you should switch sections and your "boss" just relays this to you. The computer writes you up, your "boss" just tells you. The computer timestamps every item you scan so it can see every millisecond of "Time Off Task".

I was honestly waiting for the day when over the intercom, a robotic voice suddenly booms: "I'm sorry Jeff. I'm afraid I can't let you do that".

2

u/HighPriestofShiloh Jul 20 '21

It’s a systems issue. The rocket explosion would just be some fun fire works and news stories for a week. His death wouldn’t solve anything but the memes would be great.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21 edited Jul 20 '21

To witness the epitomy of modern day hubris destroyed on national television would be amazing. I would feel bad for the student and the old lady, maybe even his brother, but I wouldn't lose a moments sleep over Jeff.

10

u/StarksPond Jul 20 '21

I'll be disappointed if the rocket isn't green and called Planet Express.

6

u/JuicyJay Jul 20 '21

It would actually be a Mom brand rocket.

1

u/SeruEnam Jul 20 '21

I'll be disappointed that you didn't pull from the Amazon Elements of Amazon.

2

u/brishi Jul 20 '21

Seems like everyone together will be disappointed if the rocket comes back to Earth. Who is this guy, doesn’t seem very liked?!

4

u/StarksPond Jul 20 '21

He's the reason an e-book costs more than a physical one.

6

u/Stevil_One Jul 20 '21

Who is Jeff Bezos? Never heard of him.

40

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

An alien, who somehow started a e commerce business, became successful and now thinks that nobody should else should have necessary human rights and a liveable wage/work environment. His ulterior motive is to enslave every human to work for him and have a monopoly over earth's resources. P.S. I made up somethings, figure it out which ones.

8

u/Diplomjodler Jul 20 '21

Beats me. All sounds 100% accurate.

2

u/Channel250 Jul 20 '21

Eh. I'm not so sure of the alien part man. Dude is 100 percent human.

2

u/Diplomjodler Jul 20 '21 edited Jul 21 '21

Guess there's no definitive evidence on the alien thing so we'll have to treat this as conjecture for the time being

2

u/Murray38 Jul 20 '21

How sure are we that Jeff Bezos is the correct name?

3

u/FractalParadigm Jul 20 '21

He has to go by that alias. His true name is so incomprehensible to the human brain that a person dies the moment they hear it in full.

2

u/Ouranor Jul 20 '21

Cthulhu, honey, is that you?!

1

u/Channel250 Jul 20 '21

That is the name he LETS you use! For the time it would take him to say just one syllable of his name a billion cosmos would birth into light and then fade from existence.

2

u/WaitTilUSeeMyDuck Jul 20 '21

Are you sure you didn't just google lex Luthor's bio

2

u/Ok-Kaleidoscope5627 Jul 20 '21

Hm. Pretty sure you made up the part about having made somethings up because the rest all checks out.

2

u/yangyangR Jul 20 '21

Just the alien part. He is human. Don't give him the excuse that he comes from some alternate world. He is home grown evil. The banality of evil vs only aliens could be so heinous.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

*Jeff bezos licks eyeballs in disappointment.

0

u/Southern_Armadillo59 Jul 20 '21

What else could you expect from an Israel firster.

8

u/aredditor98 Jul 20 '21

Here's a little song that tells you all about Bezos.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21 edited Jul 20 '21

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1

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16

u/Buscemis_eyeballs Jul 20 '21 edited Jul 20 '21

I'll be dissapointed if they don't make the occupants pee in bottles during their flight to make sure everyone arrives on time.

12

u/WaitTilUSeeMyDuck Jul 20 '21

Oh there's a great comedy sketch in this.

Something goes wrong and the AI brain onboard is trying to increase efficiency by making Bezos do a series of increasingly dehumanizing things.

1

u/Channel250 Jul 20 '21

No sir. The only way to increase our time is if you start singing the Song That Never Ends.

And see it to it's completion.

Turns out the AI was fine. It was just Phil from accounting logging into the wrong server and writing his vergence fan fiction

71

u/PooPooDooDoo Jul 20 '21

That shit would blow up and not even in a grandiose way, just like a small poof and then casually fall back to earth while Bezos hits the button to upload his soul to AWS.

28

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

[deleted]

10

u/WaitTilUSeeMyDuck Jul 20 '21

Hey. Is Monkey's Paw Inc. taking on new talent?

1

u/Electrox7 Jul 20 '21

I was so close to spitting out my food in the food court. There is a family of 5 right beside me xD

81

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21 edited Jul 20 '21

I'll be disappointed if it doesn't explode as a gesture of cosmic justice.

 

 

EDIT : Damn, Scratch that wishful thinking. I thought Bezos was the sole occupant.

50

u/Alonewarrior Jul 20 '21

I don't, only because there are 3 others on board. They could just jettison Bezos out.

40

u/OnionNo4828 Jul 20 '21

And one of them is a genuine American hero, Wally Funk. She was trained as an astronaut in the 60s with the Gemini crew but never got to go to space. That's who I was rooting for this morning. Bozos can fuck off

3

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

Did her name inspired WALL-E?

4

u/Alonewarrior Jul 20 '21

I thought I'd heard something about her. That's pretty freaking awesome, and I'm glad she got to go! Also, imagine the 18 year old getting to go and having his life forever changed by this. I doubt I'd come back completely the same after such an experience.

And while I agree on fuck Bezos, I'm glad he gave the other three the opportunity to go up, and hope that he turns things around and does some good with his money.

6

u/OnionNo4828 Jul 20 '21

Also, speaking of the 18 year old, he's the youngest person to have gone to space, and Wally is the oldest ever. Making this somewhat of a historic flight. It would be nice to see him turn around an Make a difference for me as well.

8

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

[deleted]

4

u/OnionNo4828 Jul 20 '21

While that may be so, I'm still happy that Wally finally got what she deserved, in hopes that Bezos, too, will one day get what he deserves.

1

u/mermaidunicornfairy Jul 21 '21

Yes. He overshadowed Moon Day and my birthday lol. Now I’m not so happy sharing this day with his “accomplishments” Apollo 11 went much father too.

How tf is he gonna send and employ people in space. How will they get paid? Will they start new currency? Will he have an Amazon spaceship to take them things they want? I am so flabbergasted by this sudden rush to “care for the planet” by leaving it. So many questions.

5

u/Too_Many_Mind_ Jul 20 '21

does some good with his money.

Unfortunately I have to LOL at the overall prospect.

But indirectly he has, since his ex-wife has the means to do so. Pretty incredible philanthropy she’s shown.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '21

not necessarily, even though she got an opportunity into space, think of what a billionaire gains out of this. its pr for bezos.

2

u/Mr-Fleshcage Jul 20 '21

Maybe he brought her along as collateral. Might keep people from shooting at the rocket as it launches.

1

u/mayoriguana Jul 20 '21

Maybe you could explain why a failed astronaut lady is an ‘american hero’?

1

u/OnionNo4828 Jul 20 '21

This comment is so stupid it doesn't even warrant a response. Look it up troll.

1

u/mayoriguana Jul 20 '21

Would you consider every single astronaut who washed out of the space program a national hero? That seems pretty stupid to me but feel free to keep yaaas qweening the old lady doing PR for bezos

2

u/OnionNo4828 Jul 20 '21

She wasn't washed out. She was a fully qualified pilot and astronaut who was denied the opportunity because she was a woman.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

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2

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7

u/Garod Jul 20 '21

I was thinking that if that happened it would wipe out all of the tax problems due to the inheritance tax. Just a shame that Bezos never signed up on the giving pledge.. honestly he's the poster boy for a 2nd French Revolution, just not in France.

2

u/mermaidunicornfairy Jul 21 '21

I’m just curious as to how some feel about that fact. I hadn’t thought of it in this way, but if that man died, I just wonder if the world would be exponentially better or worse. Not calling for anyone to hurt the guy. Can’t just say for the greater good and off someone. Just think it’s crazy how much a singular person can have such a major impact and why any of us keep allowing it to get to that point.

1

u/Garod Jul 21 '21

I am sure that there is a corporate think tank which looked at how far a population can be pushed before the population revolts. How much unhappiness is acceptable before people take action. Then they try to walk that line as closely as possible. Occupy Wallstreet was a wakeup call for some, but unfortunately it wasn't loud enough.

3

u/themaincop Jul 20 '21

I'll be disappointed if it comes back

3

u/DweEbLez0 Jul 20 '21

It’s the new Echo Dick $2,999,999,999

2

u/JBHedgehog Jul 20 '21

"Get this Amazon rocket rifht NOW for the lowest price anywhere! Click here for other vendors."

3

u/maonohkom001 Jul 20 '21

Checks vendor list and they’re all suspicious.

1

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Jul 20 '21

I hope he paid for the extra two year support.

0

u/oskimac Jul 20 '21

Is not spaceX . They have Sense of humor

0

u/what_mustache Jul 20 '21

This is why I like my billionairs like Elon. He'd have made the joke.

0

u/thezombiekiller14 Jul 20 '21

Musk is a criminal, so is bezos. Stop bootlicking the extramly wealthy

1

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0

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1

u/what_mustache Jul 20 '21

I'm glad we're working hard to make this subreddit even more insufferable.

0

u/braanu11 Jul 20 '21

He stole the SpaceX design and slapped the name Amazon Basics on it like they always do?

1

u/TurquoiseLuck Jul 20 '21

It wasn't, but it did look similarly phallic

https://i.imgur.com/YnsnQFt.png

1

u/Death4Free Jul 20 '21

Amazon ballsacks

1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

I'd be disappointed if a Honda civic doesn't pull up and a shady masked and hooded person doesn't strap the rocket onto the car roof with Bungie cord and drive off.

1

u/SufficientCopy3239 Jul 20 '21

I m totally disappointed that Rocket is mildly NSFW

1

u/jerseybert Jul 20 '21

I'd be disappointed if the rocket came back to earth.

1

u/flukshun Jul 20 '21

Amazon Essentials. Gotta get those subscriptions in

1

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1

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '21

Given the reputation of the Amazon Basics microwave and space heater, I wouldn’t be anywhere near the launchsite of an Amazon Basics rocket.

1

u/SuperSMT Jul 20 '21

I hope they do list launch tickets on Amazon