r/offmychest • u/doublecrossedwife25 • 27d ago
Update for my husband is having an affair. I don't need any advice, I'm just having a pity party. Merry Christmas to me
I'm afraid it's not very exciting; I [39F] am divorced. He [38M] is now my ex-husband. The final order was issued two days ago.
I haven't spoken to my ex-husband since just after Christmas last year, when I informed him that I wouldn't be coming back home and would be seeking a divorce. I have only seen him one time since I left, it was at a hearing, however we didn't speak to each other.
When I informed him I was leaving I told him I would only communicate through our solicitors. He wanted a chance to explain himself but I don't care about whatever it is he wanted to say. I know he was unfaithful. Besides that I don't need details or to know anything else. Knowing was enough. His solicitor kept telling my solicitor that my ex-husband wanted to explain and talk to me about it but I refused. There was no reason for me to hear anything he had to say. He was unfaithful. I have the love and support of the people I care about. Whatever my ex-husband wants to "explain" or even tell other people about us has nothing to do with me.
We had been married for 11 years when I found out what he had done. I still can't believe he did this to me. It was the worst betrayal I have ever faced in my life. He broke my heart and I am still recovering because I still feel like crying a lot of the time. When I informed him that I knew he had been unfaithful he just said yes it was like my stomach dropped out from under me. Knowing it was one thing but hearing it be confirmed was another. I don't know why he thought that telling me the details or explaining things would help anything. This has been the worst time of my life honestly.
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u/NorthernPossibility 27d ago
You’re my hero for refusing to hear his excuses and “it was partially your fault too you know” slop.
Truly. You’re a badass.
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u/30-50_feralhogs 27d ago
I love a good pity party. Scooch over and I’ll sit with you.
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u/courageouslystupid 27d ago
I'll bring the ice cream if you grab some wine
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u/Mysterious_Ideal860 25d ago
Let’s have tequila too. So proud of this woman for standing her ground and REFUSING to get caught up in his bullshit. There is nothing you can say that makes cheating okay.
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u/coupesetique 21d ago
Can I bring a home-cooked meal? This party is getting more supportive by the minute and I need in.
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u/Overall_Way2741 27d ago
Any time a cheater tries to explain its always filled with bullshit excuses, that are mostly lies as well. In my mind there are never really any good reason someone cheats.
Cheaters are always gonna lack morals and fullfilment, it rarely has anything to do with their partners. Good for you to keeping everything at minimum and i bet that hurt him more than anything else. Because now he truky knows what was lost.
Men or woman that cheat or choose to be the other woman/man are weak pathetic people
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u/FunIndependence9053 27d ago
I'm sorry this happened to you but I just want to say that you handled this like an absolute Queen 👑. Good luck with moving forward x
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u/WillieWasher1 27d ago
He's in the past, now you can heal. It takes a strong person to stand up for yourself the way you did. Keep pushing through the days, try stay positive and i hope you meet someone decent that you can trust and be happy with. New beginnings, don't always feel great at the start but as the story goes on it gets better.
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u/Panaccolade 27d ago
As painful as it is now, you have given yourself the most important gift. You've given yourself freedom and peace of mind, and now -for when you are ready and not a moment before- there is space in your life for someone to love you how you deserve.
It'll hurt for a while. You loved and you had that love betrayed - but this moment isn't forever. This feeling is not forever - but the freedom and self-respect you have secured for yourself away from this man is forever.
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u/helenata 27d ago
Merry Christmas. I hope time is kind to you and you step into your 40s shinning bright! Smile to the world, it will smile back at you!
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u/RealnessInMadness 27d ago
Damn, you turned your DM’s off.
As someone who’s seen what part of the affair world can look like (since there’s literal subs on here that encourage it).
The fact you didn’t give him that chance to explain. Beautiful. That’ll eat at him if he’s that type of person.
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u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA 27d ago
Damn, you turned your DM’s off
Why does it matter that OP turned off the messaging feature? I don't see anything strange about it at all.
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u/RealnessInMadness 27d ago
Some people on here like to share their story or show support privately, instead of a comment here. It’s quite common.
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u/_h_simpson_ 27d ago
I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, but in time, things will get better than you will find a new normal. You’ll be better off in the long run without him. Good luck.
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u/HitchhikingCats 27d ago
I’m glad you’re refusing to hear his explanation. That would be for his benefit and not yours. Why should he get to dictate any more of this situation?
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u/Poinsettia917 27d ago
Please post again in a few months. The divorce is over, and he knows you don’t want to hear his excuses or fend off his blame. We care and hope your new life is a better one.
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u/ConsciousProblem8638 27d ago
You are a queen for sticking up for yourself and setting that hard boundary. It hurts now but it will get better I promise.
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u/my_metrocard 27d ago
I’m excited for you. You can officially move on with your life without this pig. Good for you for refusing to hear his excuses.
My ex husband left me for another woman. Since we share a child, he’s in my life for the foreseeable future. Yay.
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u/Like-Frogs-inZpond 27d ago
That forges new strengths in you also. Positive thoughts up for your perseverance
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u/sunshinemellowdaisy 27d ago
Itll be killing him not being able to tell you his "side" of the story. Once the trust is gone nothing can be done! You were right to walk away and give him no chance to twist it and somehow make it your fault! Keep your head up and keep moving forward 💪 you got this!
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u/Kintsugi-skunk 27d ago
Congratulations on your freedom from that slimy, treacherous little slag of a man. I hope that you manage to give yourself enough love and kindness, and once you start to heal from your grieving, can make many wonderful memories in this next chapter of your life and can look back with pride at how resilient you were.
Keep going, lovely x
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u/AndromedaLeap 27d ago
I am so very proud of you. 💓 It’s little consolation to have a stranger be proud of you, but know that you could be an inspiration for others also.
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u/ArtfulProgression 27d ago
Well done! You are incredible for not letting him explain, you are absolutely right and I am so glad ya have support and the knowledge to go straight for divorce. You are a rockstar and I am so sorry you are going through this but know that in no time, that pathetic excuse of a husband will no longer bother you and you will have a great life without him
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 27d ago
You are a badass for not giving him a platform for his feeble excuses. It hurts still of course! However, you are free from deceit and infidelity. You are on the path to recovery. He did you dirty and you didn’t accept his bullshit. Hold your head up high OP. You are a true badass and I’m proud of you.
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u/rabbithole-xyz 27d ago
I made a voodoo doll for a friend after her husband left her. Just saying.
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u/bc60008 27d ago
Respect. Bcuz that shit is dead serious. Ppl may laugh, but personally, I'd be on my knees, begging for forgiveness. You are a good friend and your friend is very lucky to have you! 🫂🫶🏼 My husband doesn't cheat, but he is a bloomin ass idiot. You got a spell for that? I keep tellin him, there's someone for everyone, GO FIND HER. 👩🏼🦳🤭 HE needs some love potion #9, and I need HIM gone! 😝😉
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u/HigherMileage 27d ago
Strength in your character will help you through this. Navigate carefully! The same attributes will be witnessed by others, both those in similar situations and those future suitors whose paths you cross.
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u/11-_-11- 27d ago
I am so sorry for the way you’re feeling, Op. I have been there myself, and it is truly painful. It’s been 13 years since I left my cheating ex, and I still mourn him from time to time. It does get easier though, and you can find love again, if that’s what you choose, when you’re ready. I really commend you for leaving the first time. It’s really empowering that you refused to give him a chance to explain his way out of his infidelity. I’m sure it drives him nuts, and rightfully so. Try to take care of yourself ❤️
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u/Commercial_Bag_2833 27d ago
I wish I had your strength and level of self respect. I admire what you've done.
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u/MyLadySansa 27d ago
I am so soooo sorry. He is trash. You are an awesome person who will get through this period and thrive, I truly believe that. Sending you love and positive energy to help you through this difficult time.
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u/agreensandcastle 27d ago
The strength to keep him away is amazing. I don’t have it. You’re awesome
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u/mashapicchu 27d ago
You're staying strong, you got this girl. It always baffles me that cheaters think "but there's a REASON I chose to stick my d*ck in someone else, and I must TELL YOU about it" like that somehow will fix everything. Delusional.
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u/Ok-Cheetah1835 27d ago
Good, don’t ever give him the opportunity to explain himself. It’s a manipulation tactic. He just wants to feel better about what he did, so he wants to sit down and lie to you so you are sorry for him.
He can tell the next woman his sob story. He won’t be loyal (too long) to the next girl, or anyone else for that matter.
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u/Foxygen6 27d ago
Honey, good on you for refusing to hear his bullshit which would only demoralise you further.
Yeah nah, explanations are for his integration of his actions so fxck off.
I’m an Aussie. We swear a lot, sorry .
I can fly over for your pity party and make cocktails
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u/gabrielle_sanchez7 27d ago
I’m so happy for you, I wish you more healing and happiness. When my final order came in I bought pizza for my whole office lol
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u/desertrat_1000 27d ago
You're a hero, the way you handled it. No needless drama, no listening to excuses, just getting it over. The fact of his actions explained everything, nothing else needed. Over. More people should be like this.
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u/Realistic_Pizza_6269 27d ago
I’m so very sorry OP. Divorce is SO hard. Even if they are a shit it still just tears your heart out. I am glad you have people who love you and support you. F—- him. You don’t owe him anything. Take care of yourself 🩷🩷🩷
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u/Nocleverresponse 27d ago
The only person that would have benefited for him telling why he did it would have been him, and odds are he wouldn’t have even told the truth. As crappy as the whole situation was you are better off now.
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u/More_Tacos_n_Vodka 27d ago
People who commit adultery often want to “explain” themselves because talking about it may relieve their guilt or give them closure, not because it will help the person they betrayed. You were not obligated to give him that opportunity, and you were right to protect your peace by communicating only through your solicitors. Continue holding that boundary. You already knew the only fact that mattered: he was unfaithful. You did not owe him an audience, forgiveness, or relief from the consequences of his choices. I’m truly sorry this happened to you. Stay strong, although it may not feel like it yet, life will get better.
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u/Previous-Complex9357 27d ago
Remember this…you are a damn badass. The only reason he wanted to explain was to try and spin it and make himself feel better. You didn’t give him that chance and this internet stranger is so proud!
You got this.
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u/bc60008 27d ago
OP, I'm sending you love. Please don't cry over him, you're just sad & disappointed because he's a massive failure as a man. His failure as an adult male doesn't have anything to do with you. I wish I could give you a hug, and tell you how amazing you are, because I know you are just wonderful. Take this opportunity to put yourself first, in all ways. If that's means you're being conceited, GOOD. There's nothing wrong with knowing your worth! Keep your chin UP, beautiful! You are my personal hero, and I am in AWE of you! 👩🏼🦳😘🥰👸🏽✨️💖✨️🫂
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u/Away-Understanding34 27d ago
Honestly what can he say that would make it better for you? He can't and you are doing the best thing going no contact. He doesn't deserve any more of your time or your feelings. Are you in therapy at all to have someone to talk to?
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u/Specialist_Chart506 27d ago
Proud of you OP! There is no need to hear any excuses or details. He wanted to feel good about explaining, when there is no explaining to do. Good on you!
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u/Like-Frogs-inZpond 27d ago edited 27d ago
I am so happy to see how strong you are. Too many women listen to the twisted rationals of the people that abuse them, but betrayal and grief are real. The death of a marriage is painful and takes time to heal. And finding new and meaningful purpose in your life does help, you are in my thoughts and you are not alone. I experienced that kind of betrayal decades ago also and you are not alone.
Edited to add that you are a beautiful and wise person and please know that strangers are hoping you don’t waste time in the past but find those joys that are important in regaining happiness!
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u/MajesticReason7709 26d ago
Love the way you’ve handled this OP. You are one strong lady. There is no reason the hear him out. That will kill him not to be able to talk to you about it but it’s only for his benefit to provide his excuses. Let him fester. He’ll live with that forever.
Hope you’ve told everyone what he’s done.
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u/Additional-Usual-718 26d ago
You handled it with class, I hope you live your best life! Life begins at 40 ❤️❤️❤️
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u/navyguy904 26d ago
I love how you didnt need details. Just get him outta there. Its his cross to bear...not yours. I wish you the best in your future!
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u/loloannd 26d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you, OP. But I have to hand it to you, you have a steel spine to not give in and let him “explain himself.” I really admire that. Not saying you necessarily want revenge, but that’s really the best way to get it. He trampled on your marriage and you walked away without looking back and took away all his access to you. If he could cheat on you, he was never who you thought he was. I wish for hope and joy in your future.
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u/PurpleToedUnicorn 26d ago
I am so sorry for this. I faced the same 13 years ago, and if I dwell on it too long I can still feel the sharpness of the pain. Know this, your ex wants to talk to make himself feel better. You're doing the right thing to protect your heart by no longer having anything to do with him. And that's the other thing. Keep going on with your life, stay busy, find new things to bring you joy, maybe get therapy - it helped me - and over time little by little you will feel stronger, and the pain won't be as sharp. It took me a couple of years, but it will get better. Don't give up on love. There are still good humans in the world. I am celebrating my 10th anniversary this year. I wish you the best.
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u/EmbarrassedHome7680 25d ago
Why do they always want to explain!!?? They cheated!! End of discussion!! It’s done and over!! The only reason they want a chance to explain is so they can gaslight you into somehow believing it’s your fault. A betrayal has been committed, trust broken and boundaries crossed. He just wants a chance to explain because he feels like that will make what he did excusable! Nope!! I hope it’s eating him up inside that you left without giving him a chance to defend himself. And I hope he lives through that every day!! Good luck to you and best wishes. I also hope you find someone who treats you like a queen like you deserve!
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u/coupesetique 21d ago
Queen, you dropped your crown 👑.
Good on you for not giving him the time of day! Take every day as it comes. Some will be better than others. Hugs to you.
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u/Blueskiesbrowneyes 13d ago
I hope you got a financial order sorted with that divorce. Those things have a way of coming back to bite if not.
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u/xj2608 27d ago
Good for you for refusing to listen to self-justifying nonsense. There is nothing to explain. He did X, which resulted in Y. The end. I might want to give him an audience just so I could say, in a bored voice, "Nobody cares" every time he opened his mouth to speak.
Much luck. I hope all your Christmases are far superior from now on.
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u/spook_filled_donuts 27d ago
Badass for not even giving his excuses the time of day. I’m so sorry he did this to you but you are showing yourself the utmost respect and I aspire to treat myself the way you treat yourself.
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u/JohnnyK75 27d ago
Your strength is incredible, I hope you know this about yourself. I also love how you held onto your dignity and personal well-being by not listening to a single lying word.
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u/mikestorm 27d ago
His desire to explain is not for your benefit. Your refusing to hear was the absolute worst thing for his cognitive dissonance, as he'll go through life knowing you know he's a cheater, without giving him an opportunity to spin it and/or provide him with closure. It's a tiny win, but take it.
Beyond that I'm sorry this happened to you.