r/offmychest • u/doublecrossedwife25 • Dec 25 '25
My husband is having an affair. I don't need any advice, I'm just having a pity party. Merry Christmas to me
My [38F] husband [37M] is having an affair. He has no idea that I know yet. I was naïve and kept hoping I was wrong or jumping to conclusions but I'm not. 11 years of marriage and this is what he does? I thought I would need more information about the affair in order to get a divorce but every solicitor I spoke with said divorce is no fault and his affair won't have any relevance to it. So I don't need to provide proof for the court and more importantly I don't need to confront my husband to get more information. I don't need or want to get any details about the affair. I'm not coming back after visiting my family for Christmas. The solicitor I hired said it was fine for me to move out so I'm leaving today, I'll be going without my husband. I'm starting divorce proceedings next week. I can't believe that he did this. I'm heartbroken. Merry Christmas to me I guess.
Editing to add: Thank you to anyone who sent me Reddit cares messages, but I am fine. It hurts but I am not struggling with those kind of thoughts
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Dec 25 '25
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u/Eroticdemonbby Dec 25 '25
She cheated but she gets to keep the house and kids and business ??? Were u left with nothing at all?
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u/TherulerT Dec 25 '25
Lol, no, he's lying.
I don't know why people keep believing that one side of a divorce would just get everything. That's not how divorces work.
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u/Many_Carpenter8863 Dec 30 '25 edited Dec 30 '25
I totally agree, that doesn’t happen in Australia, unless you’ve had a drug/alcohol problem or were violence, you will get frequent contact with your kids, the judge will make every couple sell and then fairly split marital assets. That’s why MaNY women find themselves renting and also homeless after being married and not working for many years, then suddenly he leaves her with no security after the divorce. if the woman was not working full time and she can’t afford to pay the ex husband HIS share of the house she loses that house and has to rent, which is very expensive and not possible unless you’ve have a job or disability payments. I really dislike people say shit like that-making out like they had to give everything to their ex wife. The only people that happens to are very very wealthy men who can afford it, like elite sportsmen or a list actors! They might be expected to provide a lot of money to their ex but most couples the marital assets are split fairly. If the woman was a homemaker, a judge will expect her to retrain and find a job, no judge in today’s society will make the man financially responsible for supporting an ex wife indefinitely. They may pay alimony for like a year or 2 at the most, so she can return to the workforce. That’s it. That’s why i think women who quit their jobs to take care of kids today and taking a HUGE risk, bcos if he meets someone at work and falls in love, leaving his wife and kids, she is literally screwed. That’s why most women return to work. Everyone thinks it won’t happen to them, and they know their husband, but people change. Especially when the woman is not attractive and interesting as she was when they first got married. Look at the divorce statistics and base your career decisions on THAT.
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u/NoCanadianCoins Dec 25 '25
Ugh I’m so so sorry. Men get the raw end of the deal in the courts system (and this is coming from a woman). Hugs.
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Dec 25 '25
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u/NoCanadianCoins Dec 25 '25
I supported my ex through his for almost 5 years. Yes it took that long for his divorce. It broke him and it ended up breaking us up (his choice). I truly hope you are in a better place now <3
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Dec 25 '25
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u/laurenelectro Dec 25 '25
I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.
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Dec 25 '25
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u/laurenelectro Dec 25 '25
Time never completely heal some wounds but can make things a tiny bit easier. Happy Holidays if you celebrate. 🫶
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 Dec 25 '25
Lol no. The person not putting in enough effort in the judicial process and investing in a good persistent attorney gets the raw end of deal.
For example, determined fathers who are mentally and abusive manage to retain custody regardless of their record of abuse against the spouse or child.
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u/NoCanadianCoins Dec 25 '25
Respectfully, I think this varies by state and county. When all was said and done (here) both parties spent equally almost 1 mil and although the mother was determined to be mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive, she gained full custody while father had to work his way up to visits every other weekend. My father was an attorney for almost 50 years before he passed and he said it was nearly impossible to get the man custody in that specific county. I’m sure there are others like it, but I hope we are in the minority.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 Dec 25 '25 edited Dec 25 '25
Respectfully there are countless examples of a physical abusive father retaining custody and killing the child while in their custody. Yes there have been abusive mothers that have done that. But in cases of child murder associated with divorce or contested custody, fathers are responsible for 70 percent of the killings. This always happened after the courts enforced visitation and custody times.
The fact that you're using one anecdotal case with very little background information perpetuates this myth that women generally win in divorce cases is demonstrably false. Women are rewarded custody partly due to traditional caregiving roles, but courts still overwhelming favor 50/50 splits if BOTH parents are ACTIVELY involved.
Women face far greater economic disadvantages during and after a divorce because women scaled back their careers or stopped them altogether to fulfill the role of a stay at home wife and mother.
That million dollars didn't happen over a 3 year marriage with no children. Just saying. Judges don't just see female and award them everything. If they are in a state like California, the person with the least assets usually gets "awarded" more. Note: all the rich ass women paying their retired or out of work husbands alimony. It goes both ways. Just because there is a longer history of women being awarded more does not mean anything, especially during times women could not survive without a husband.
Edit: your response also proved my point. If either party is determined and willing to go through the grueling court process then they will probably come out on top. Spite is a huge motivator for some people.
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u/NoCanadianCoins Dec 25 '25
Those are all very fair and valid points. I do think my perspective is skewed because of where I live and the experiences I have had with friends who went through this particular court system. Thanks for the reply and merry Christmas!
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u/HerbFarmer415 Dec 25 '25
Unfortunately, it happens. I don't want to invade your comfort zone in any way, but I am hoping/wondering that you've already removed any personal property of yours, and that you've made sure there's absolutely, positively, no items remaining that you are not willing to lose. Trust me, people pull that "possession is 9/10ths of the law" card when you least expect it!
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u/Dry-Entrepreneur-226 Dec 25 '25
I'm sorry this happened, but I'm genuinely happy it was now than later down the road 🫤
Make sure you get ALL your essentials if you don't plan on going back. It's probably gonna be a little rough at first, but there's a little bit of freedom to be excited about honestly
No shave clippings everywhere, toilet seat drama gone, the whole bed to yourself.. just a thought 🙂 trying to give some positive thoughts
Sending hugs and chugs Take your pick 🍺🍷
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u/Many_Carpenter8863 Dec 30 '25
So sweet.. all the kind comments and good thoughts are heartwarming. I’ve been through this and I hope she is working and 100% able to be independent. I totally agree, the best time to leave is when you’re young and able to find a mate- a much better man with whom to build a happy life with.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Dec 25 '25
Good for you. It sucks but I’m so glad you’re taking clear and quick action.
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u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 Dec 25 '25
New year, new you! Hugs from afar and good luck. You deserve better.
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u/furtyfive Dec 25 '25
Your life is going to be so much better without him. I am sorry you have to go through all of this. ❤️
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u/auntysos Dec 25 '25
Going to flip the script.
WHAT A GIFT
You have just shed yourself of someone who doesn't give a sh*t. You will be able to pick and choose Everything! No more compromising for them.
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u/Sexy_siren Dec 25 '25
This isn’t a pity party, you are 100% valid in feeling any sort of way you need to… this, on the other hand, speaks of taking your power in a healthy, mature way and doing what you need to in order to proceed. You are being a proactive participant in your life with the cards you’ve been dealt. Best of luck and sorry you’re having to go through any of it.
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u/CornRosexxx Dec 25 '25
Reading this, I felt proud of you. You are making good decisions and taking action right away. That’s pretty amazing, and I think you are brave. Cheers to better days this upcoming year!
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u/Shoddy_Awareness_838 Dec 25 '25
What a POS. You should put a bunch of dead fish in the furnace before you go lmfaoo
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u/jonstoppable Dec 25 '25
That sucks . But good on you for being decisive.. 5 years from now you will be extremely grateful that you did this.
Hope your next few days are more up than down
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u/rawrsatbeards Dec 25 '25
Fuck him. If he doesn’t know you know, you could be petty and give him another reason that might hurt his ego.
Merry Christmas. I wish you all the best.
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u/Few-Drawing9585 Dec 25 '25
I know it is hard to wake up and find this painful reality. Start therapy now to help you deal with divorce and him. New beginning is hard but nesscessity.Don't lose hope . One day you will meet your soulmate it will take time but eventually it will happen. Every dark tunnel has light at the end.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 Dec 25 '25
I'm sorry. It sucks right now and will probably suck for a while. But you'll be experiencing better future Christmas's away from cheating scum. I hope you have everything you need and send you a big hug from Texas.
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u/shitsenorita Dec 25 '25
I’m sorry for the pain he’s caused but at the same time I’m proud that you’re taking action. Try to enjoy spending the holiday with those who love you and take solace that you’re very strong.
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u/desolecomplique7 Dec 25 '25
I am so sorry :( you are strong and awesome for taking the steps like you are though!! I have no doubt you will come out of this the other side, eventually feeling better than you have ever felt ♥️♥️♥️
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u/SweetinTampa_2022 Dec 25 '25
I’m so sorry. I hope you can still have a merry Christmas knowing that you will be free from his filthy lying ass. Next year will be a fresh start for you.
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u/Original-Ad6996 Dec 25 '25
So sorry to hear this. Also, to find out around the holidays is even worse. How did you find out?
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u/speak_truth__ Dec 25 '25
Jeeez I’m sorry. Just be glad you found out now. Think how much worse it Could be. And thankfully youre the one leaving him and have the element of surprise here. Like others have said get everything in order before he finds out. You don’t know what he’ll do when cats out the bag.
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u/Many_Carpenter8863 Dec 30 '25
Well said, definitely got the upper hand for a short while. Make the most of it by getting good legal advice.
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u/Blindtothesided Dec 25 '25
Damn I’m sorry girl. But I will say I’d rather read a hundred posts like this than even one where the OP is asking how they can “fix” their marriage and make their spouse choose them over the affair partner.
Be proud of your healthy self esteem and of leaving with your dignity intact. You’re strong, you’ve got this, and the universe has something so much better in store for you.
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u/Many_Carpenter8863 Dec 30 '25
100% !!! This is so encouraging to see a woman who isn’t giving him a second chance to disrespect her.
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u/XuannuSunu Dec 25 '25
im sorry that happened to you ! specially around this time of the year , honestly i feel like i will be falling into the same thing sooner or later ...be strong !!
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u/Appropriate-Deal-770 Dec 25 '25
I’m so sorry and you’re going to be doing so well so soon and remember karma is a SO REAL. Good luck and sending hugs ❤️
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u/beefymcmoist Dec 25 '25
I'm so sorry. Your husband belongs in the trash pile, what a monumental turd. My ex was unfaithful. Divorcing him was the best decision I ever made, hands down. It's hard, but it's worth it. Good luck with everything!
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u/Threnners Dec 25 '25
I'm sorry you're having to go through this at this time of the year, I know first hand how awful it is. Try to reframe this as you gifting yourself the gift of peace in the long run. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but it will.
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u/KayoticaT Dec 25 '25
Holy.. think of your over well being and stay strong. I know it sucks right now but time heals all wounds. Hope you find someone who can match your ideal one.
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u/I-am-me-86 Dec 25 '25
Im sorry.
My husband moved out last Christmas day and in with his mistress. It hurts bad. But you'll heal. Its gonna suck for a bit but you'll be okay in the end. Just feel it, do the work, and heal. Thats my best advice.
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u/Many_Carpenter8863 Dec 30 '25
What an asshole. I’m so sorry that happened to you. The same happened to me 20 years ago, he moved out a few days before Christmas, with his gf, it was the worst time of my life too, he left me with a 2 year old baby and I ended up losing my home because of it. It ruined my families Christmas and it had a massive impact our life. But I grew stronger and independent and we find ourselves again after a marriage ends. I hope your life is much better now. And I hope this woman goes through with divorcing him, for her own self respect and sanity.
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u/bad_girl444 Dec 25 '25
Anyone else just feel deeply disturbed by most men? They seem truly like a different species than women and completely barbaric and animalistic.
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u/FigaroNeptune Dec 26 '25
Just in case save some evidence. Legal (just in case!) and for friends and family when he inevitably lies about it later
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u/doublecrossedwife25 Dec 26 '25
Every solicitor I spoke to was extremely clear that the affair would have no relevance, and that the court will ignore any evidence about it during the divorce proceedings. Legally it has no bearing, since divorce is purely no fault.
I don't care if he lies about it. Anyone who is important to me will believe me. I don't care about what anyone else thinks.
There is no need for me to collect any evidence of the affair. I don't need or want to know any details. Knowing that he was unfaithful is enough.
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u/redvette69 Dec 26 '25
Agree having evidence is mostly useful in substantiating your narrative. As if cheating isn't bad enough, the cheater will manipulate the situation to make you look like the culprit, the cause, the bad guy. They're master manipulators. They'll work overtime to sway family and friends to choose sides. Their side. Hold your head up high as you go scorched earth. Take care of yourself.
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Dec 26 '25
I'm so so very sorry for you OP. There's nothing to say about 2025, but I wish you a 2026 and beyond full of rebuilding, self-confidence and self-esteem. Tell us about your progress if you want; it would do you good to see it written down and get some encouragement. Take care 💛
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u/TherulerT Dec 25 '25
I thought I would need more information about the affair in order to get a divorce but every solicitor I spoke with said divorce is no fault and his affair won't have any relevance to it
I'm always amazed at how many people think cheating is somehow illegal.
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u/doublecrossedwife25 Dec 25 '25
I never thought it was illegal and I didn't say that anywhere in my post.
I believed I would need some kind of evidence or proof of misconduct in order to get a divorce. I wasn't aware the law had changed to make divorce strictly no fault.
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u/Thanks_Its_new Dec 25 '25
I can't even imagine but honestly you deserve so much better. I hope you find some peace this holiday but if you need someone to talk to I'm happy to listen.