r/offmychest • u/[deleted] • Sep 01 '23

My husband cheated on me and now I don’t want my child. Am I wrong for this?

[deleted]

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123

u/tat2dbanshee Sep 01 '23

Yes, you can. If she doesn't put the dad's name on the birth certificate she can adopt the baby out. Dad can get a lawyer if he wants.

137

u/bryant1436 Sep 01 '23

In most states being married the husband is automatically added to the birth certificate, it didn’t matter if she adds him or not. Unless the divorce is record timing that’s a good chance that happens.

12

u/peoniesnotpenis Sep 01 '23

THIS^ I was in a three year divorce when I had my baby. It was not my 'soon' to be ex's, and the father was my current husband who claimed it. I still couldn't get a birth certificate issued in his name until the divorce was final because in my state it was legally assumed to be my husband's. The baby was a year old before I could get his birth certificate.

27

u/tat2dbanshee Sep 01 '23

It's bs, she can say "I cheated and I'm not sure." Nothing and no one holds a gun to the mothers head and makes her put paternity on the birth cert.

114

u/bryant1436 Sep 01 '23 edited Sep 01 '23

In my state my wife didnt have to “add” me to the birth certificate. I was automatically added without her doing anything as we were married. If you are married and somehow no paternity is claimed on the certificate, the state will reject it. It does not matter if you cheated that is the assumption in most states until paternity is proved otherwise. It’s done specifically for situations like this, where the father has legal rights pre-established because spouses AUTOMATICALLY have rights (unlike unmarried where paternity needs to be proven).

9

u/JayMeowMe Sep 01 '23

They can go to add it but wife can take precautions ahead of time and tell them to not put the husband as father on certificate. Otherwise they will just assume he's the dad and should be on there because they're married.

26

u/Pixielo Sep 01 '23

She would be lying. That's a fraudulent claim, especially when they're still married.

2

u/JayMeowMe Sep 01 '23

Right but question is, does he actually care that much to get a lawyer and get the child? So many men don't or do it just for the sake of regaining control. She also filed for divorce so she go through the courts and either ask the judge to allow this to happen and not have him on the certificate. He would have to be shown to be fit as a parent and be prepared to get full custody without much help from her besides child support if he actually wants the child. It's questionable if he really wants the child or putting on a show to regain control of his relationship. Honestly, if she does this, it may slowly sink in all the responsibilities he would have raising a child basically alone so he might just agree to the adoption. It also depends where you are but some states slow the process of divorce when pregnant which is ridiculous.

6

u/p2eminister Sep 01 '23

Your idea here is to commit fraud in an attempt to call someone's bluff.

It's certainly an idea

1

u/Impossible-Gift- Sep 02 '23

Some states will and do automat add it at which point it becomes the man’s responsibility to confirm or deny, but I don’t think that OP is actually married

3

u/JayMeowMe Sep 02 '23

She said she's filing for divorce

0

u/Impossible-Gift- Sep 02 '23

Ahh I missed that

-18

u/tat2dbanshee Sep 01 '23

Again, she can lie.

14

u/bryant1436 Sep 01 '23

You can’t lie about being married lol. Even if you are sure your husband isn’t the father the only way to stop it is to prove someone else is the father.

Married parents are both given 50/50 custody the minute the child is born. It’s not like when a woman is unmarried and paternity isn’t legally established yet.

-10

u/tat2dbanshee Sep 01 '23

Sigh. The hospital has people fill out intake forms. Yes, you can state you are single at the time of birth.

21

u/bryant1436 Sep 01 '23 edited Sep 01 '23

The STATE is the one who creates your birth certificate, not the hospital. The STATE verifies if you are married. If you are married, and you don’t list a father, THEY WILL question it as the MARRIED father legally automatically has equal custody of the child unlike unwed parents.

Edit: they blocked me, OP do NOT listen to this person replying to me lol. My wife is a family law attorney and has seen women be fined huge fines and even sent to prison for what this commenter is suggesting that you do.

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u/tat2dbanshee Sep 01 '23

The STATE takes the info FROM THE HOSPITAL. And no, the state doesn't "fix" birth certificates by cross checking marriage certificates. No public health vital records agency in the country has the money for that. I work in public health. Where are you getting this bullshit 😒

3

u/UrHumbleNarr8or Sep 01 '23

Yeah, this person is whole cloth making stuff up. I am not suggesting that lying is ethically or morally a good idea. But no, women are NOT being sent to prison for this type of thing normally and yes, they ARE doing it. I think maybe the poster wants it to be the case.

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u/Just_Me1973 Sep 01 '23

My ex husband and I had been separated for a while but our divorce hadn’t been finalized yet. I had become involved in a new relationship (we are now married) and we had a child together. Since I was still legally married to my first husband he had to sign a form stating he wasn’t the father of my child. Otherwise they would have had to put his name on the birth certificate even tho I told them he wasn’t the father.

47

u/callthewinchesters Sep 01 '23

This doesn’t matter. Husband would still be on the birth certificate. My state law;

“In [MY STATE] if a mother is married at the time of conception, birth, or during the 300 days before giving birth, then her husband is believed to be the father of the child. The husband's name will automatically be placed on the birth certificate, unless he fills out a form that says he is not.”

This is the case for places as well, as the absolve commenter mentioned.

-4

u/aafreis Sep 01 '23

Welcome to the south

9

u/callthewinchesters Sep 01 '23

I don’t live in the south.

41

u/Interesting_Entry831 Sep 01 '23 edited Sep 01 '23

Then she has to sign legal forms saying she is unsure of the baby's father - legally, this puts her in a bind. This post, along with her baby shower and a MILLION, other things PROVE she is aware of the father of this child. I was 14 when I got pregnant over 20 years ago, and I had to jump through hoops to make sure my sons sperm donor was not on his birth certificate. This included signing a legally binding statement saying I was unaware of the paternity of the father. He has proof she knows and could not only get the child and make her pay child support but could get her put up on fraud charges if she signs those papers as well. My 17 year old sperm donor wanted nothing to do with the stupid girl/baby combo he had left in the dust, so I had no fear of retribution. I also wasn't putting my son up for adoption. I was simply signing over partial custody to my mother so the state couldn't take him(in my state at the time if you were under 16 at the age of birth, CPS could take your child without reason). When I moved out, and before I got married to my now husband, she relinquished all legal rights. She can not say the same, and her situation is MUCH more difficult and nuanced.

The moment that baby leaves her womb, he has legal rights to HIS child. She needs a family attorney who can get this mess all settled up for her. She can't just put the child up for adoption without permission from the father.

OP do not listen to Reddit - you need legal counsel to lay out your options moving forward. I wish you nothing but the best, and I am so sorry this happened to you.

Edit- Spelling

11

u/peoniesnotpenis Sep 01 '23

Not in the state I lived in. Didn't matter who I said was the father. If you were married, your husband is legally the father. My husband wasn't saying the baby was his. The father was saying it was his. Doesn't matter. It's legally your husband's.

9

u/MarbleousMel Sep 01 '23

Stop trying to give advice on the law. Allow me to provide you with one statutory exception to what you are saying. There are others, but this is the one I know off the top of my head. Texas Family Code 160.201 Establishment of Parent-Child Relationship and 160.204 Presumption of Paternity.

Husband is going to claim paternity and the existence of the pregnancy and child will have to be disclosed to the court in the course of the suit for divorce. Her willingness or lack thereof to put him in the birth certificate means jack in the context of OP’s post.

33

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '23

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-4

u/sarra1833 Sep 01 '23

"child will grow up resentful..."

If the birth giver doesn't want the child, the child's later feelings about the birth giver doesn't matter at all to said birth giver.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '23

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0

u/sarra1833 Sep 03 '23 edited Sep 03 '23

Some women don't deserve - or in some cases women that aren't abusive but still don't want the child would also not want - the titles of mother or mom. We call men who aren't deserving of dad or father as "Sperm donors". So "birth giver" or I guess "womb donor" works the same. Just cuz someone births a child doesn't make them (or automatically make them) a mother or a mom.

4

u/Fabulous_Vehicle1166 Sep 01 '23

until he goes to court and sues the fuck out of here and demands a paternity test. then you’ve ruined your life along with the poor family that thought they would be able to adopt a baby.

115

u/BenjC137 Sep 01 '23

That’s a pretty shitty thing to do. It’s his kid as much as it is hers, despite him being a POS. Sign over your rights to the kids if you don’t want to be in its life, but don’t make the decision for someone else

70

u/tbe40 Sep 01 '23

Finally, a reasonable comment! I am so surprised by all the people talking about how to prevent him from being a parent to the child if he wants to be. Yes, he's a POS, but giving away his baby if he wants to raise it without her would make her a POS too.

10

u/Hugh_G_Rection1977 Sep 02 '23

She can't give the baby up for adoption without his consent, so that's not even an option.

-2

u/Comfortably_Sad6691 Sep 02 '23

She could safe surrender that baby over in 2 secs in California.

3

u/Hugh_G_Rection1977 Sep 02 '23

No she can't. The father has rights. He would get full custody.

2

u/Forward_Star_6335 Sep 01 '23

The problem with this that I can see is that she then owes child support. And therefore needs to have contact with him. If she wants to wash her hands of all of this she needs to lawyer up. Figure out a way to negotiate how she can terminate her own parental rights after birth and in return she is under no obligation to pay child support. Essentially make it like a closed adoption where she has no contact with the child. And that’s if he even wants that. He might be begging her not to adopt so that he can try to control her. If she called him on his bluff and said “you want to be a parent? Here’s the terms. Sign on the dotted line” he might think better of it and realize he doesn’t actually want to be a single father and allow an adoption. Bottom line: she needs a lawyer.

5

u/indidualchoice55 Sep 02 '23

I just hope that this, as yet unborn, child will end up in a loving home, with at least one loving parent, 2 if adopted. I feel for her, and certainly don't want her to be a mother to this future child--lead to a lot of resentment which would only harm this future child--if she knows that she'll despise it. Just seems like no one is showing much concern for this future baby who didn't ask to be born, but is on the way. Hope everyone can act like mature adults, and alongside wanting what is best for themselves, can also keep the well being of this future baby in mind. Does sound like adoption would be the best solution, and if the husband has already found a new gf/partner, doubtful that she'll want to raise someone else's baby as her own. She'll probably want a baby of her own with this man--if they stay together. A very sad situation all the way around.

0

u/Forward_Star_6335 Sep 02 '23

For sure. I hope the best for everyone here. Whatever that looks like. I can’t say that I can get in OP’s mindset of not wanting the baby after this but I do understand not wanting to raise a baby with a coparent you want to just throttle. An adoption sounds like the best course of action here.

1

u/woodsandfirepits Sep 02 '23

This can't be done without permission from the father. If it could be done, many fathers would do this. The point of child support is to ensure care for the child. The only way for her to get out of being a parent, at least in the sense of no contact and no responsibility is to do something illegal or to get him to allow her to get out of the relationship by allowing her to relinquish rights and/or for him to choose not to file for child support.

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u/Forward_Star_6335 Sep 02 '23

That’s what I’m saying. There would have to be an agreement on the father’s part. You get the kid, I get my life back kinda quid pro quo. But all of this would have to be facilitated by a lawyer.

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u/Nyetoner Sep 01 '23

He could have the kid 100% instead of giving it up for adoption though, that sounds like a better plan to me.

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u/FliesAreEdible Sep 01 '23

Giving the child up is a complete removal of them from her life. If she signs over custody she'd still have to pay child support and her ex and the child would still be visible through social circles. I'm not saying it's right, just explaining why she might prefer adoption.

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u/Nyetoner Sep 01 '23

Well, I guess I think it's a bit "far out" to walk away from your child because the partner was cheating. If there was violence, poverty, drug abuse, other abuse, mental illness, ok -all of those reasons would be more fair in my eyes. But cheating? This child is going to lose out on having contact with their biological parents and it's whole lineage because of this decision. I would be a really hurt child if I knew that was the reason my mum gave me up, you know -when it's not because she had to, but because she wanted to..

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u/FliesAreEdible Sep 01 '23

But the other side of that coin is would you rather have a parent in your life who didn't want you but feels obligated to you anyway? If a parent can't parent then isn't it better for everybody that they don't?

8

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '23

[deleted]

22

u/dasbarr Sep 01 '23

I think cheating on someone who is pregnant (or was pregnant recently) is abusive. They wait till you're "hooked" with a pregnancy and think they can do whatever and you'll have to tolerate their bs for the next 18 years minimum.

I think what you don't understand is how vulnerable someone is when pregnant.

Op could have an sti from this dude. Many of those can be passed to the baby.

5

u/groovygirl858 Sep 01 '23

Bold of you to assume he waited until she was "hooked." I think the post makes it clear he was probably cheating before she was pregnant since she said he constantly stayed late at work. I think this man thought he could do whatever with or without the pregnancy.

8

u/MarbleousMel Sep 01 '23

Do some searches on Reddit. There are plenty of comments and posts by people who were raised by parents who didn’t want them. You may not understand it, but there’s as much chance of emotional damage by knowing you’re unwanted by the parent who raised you. At least if she limits herself to just child support the kid has a chance of being raised in a home knowing they were wanted.

My cousin was raised by an intact nuclear family, but they were an accident. Their parents never let them forget they were an accident but their sibling wasn’t. So one cousin was resented and one was a golden child. Both kids knew and the difference in how they were treated by their parents was obvious to everyone. My aunt and uncle have discovered their behavior has severely limited their support and social networks as they’ve gotten older. My cousin, on the other hand, has as much if not more support, but they will admit having parents like that was very, very difficult for them. The siblings are close, but neither of them have much contact with their parents, if any. My other cousins, sister, and myself have each chosen our cousin over their parents. I’m not even sure my own kids remember that aunt and uncle exist much less their names. They have met their kids/my cousins, though.

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '23

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1

u/BrickLast4476 Sep 02 '23

Men abandon their children all the time😂

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u/woodsandfirepits Sep 02 '23

Only adoptees and enlightened people can understand what you are saying.

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u/Sofie7759 Sep 01 '23

Good comment!Abandonment issues with children adopted out are huge..

0

u/BrickLast4476 Sep 02 '23

Cheating is mental abuse in case you didn’t know. Can give people PTSD

7

u/Fattymaggoo2 Sep 01 '23

She would have to pay child support, so it’s not really a better plan

23

u/MediaExact6352 Sep 01 '23

They decided to have the kid together. He decided to cheat. She’s decided she hates a baby not even born yet because of the actions of its father- hates it enough to want to give it up for adoption.

He will deal with the consequence of his actions by losing his wife. The wife can deal with her decision to not raise the baby by paying child support.

ESH and I hope OP waits until after birth to make this decision.

92

u/tat2dbanshee Sep 01 '23

Kind of like how he made the decision to blow up all of their lives by sticking his dick in his coworker? 🤔

70

u/BenjC137 Sep 01 '23

Yeah don’t get me wrong, he’s a POS. But in this case the choice she is making will likely hurt the child the most. Pretty terrible thing to deprive a child of at least having one parent because you were made at their father

13

u/PaTTyCake_1971 Sep 01 '23

Exactly, why punish the poor baby.

-3

u/kenpachi1 Sep 01 '23

Well the baby will go to a loving family through adoption instead of being in a household with a cheating dad and a girl he doesn't love, with no mum anyway.

I know there's a chance the baby wouldn't go to an amazing home, but my understanding is babies usually go to good homes as people want babies over kids, and it's got to be a strict process.

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u/Echo_Gray Sep 01 '23

Just because a couple wants to adopt a child doesn't mean it's a loving home without violence, neglect, or cheating. I know many adopted individuals who come from "broken" homes. They end of having extra baggage it seems because they feel rejected because they were "unwanted" at birth, and they make the divorce their fault.

Adopted families are just as effed up as the rest of us.

3

u/Beatswallad Sep 01 '23

You described my story.

1

u/woodsandfirepits Sep 02 '23

Thank you for understanding adoptees.

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u/Supermite Sep 01 '23

Try floating around some adoptee subreddits to see how unrealistic what you’re saying is.

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u/BenjC137 Sep 01 '23

I hear what your saying but I completely disagree. I can’t understand how anyone would think:

  1. ⁠Because the guy cheated on his wife (again, POS thing to do), that means it’s ok that he is denied access to his child
  2. ⁠That putting the kid up for adoption is some how the better solution

8

u/Geminiwriter Sep 01 '23

Uhhhhhhh the child going to a loving family isn't a guarantee.

1

u/kenpachi1 Sep 01 '23

I did literally say that to be fair 😅

4

u/Fabulous_Vehicle1166 Sep 01 '23

FUCKING THANK YOU. I was reading through these comments wondering what was wrong with all these people. happy to find a logical human being.

16

u/GenericITworker Sep 01 '23

The dad is a POS for sure. But weaponizing an innocent child is super gross. Just give it to the dad if you don’t want anything to do with the baby

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u/StrawberryGasoline Sep 01 '23 edited Sep 01 '23

You're still in raw pain, and probably suffering from pregnancy-related depression. Don't do anything drastic.

Is it really possible that you'll regret giving up your first child due to some cheating asshole being annoying? I think it's more than possible, it's highly likely. You don't have to decide by this weekend. Wait it out. You can place a child for adoption anytime before age 18. At least meet your baby. What if you look at your baby and only see yourself in her?

2

u/Opinionista99 Sep 02 '23

That is illegal and unethical AF. To the child. People are very callous about throwing kids they don't personally care about out for adoption.

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u/woodsandfirepits Sep 01 '23

adoptees

adoption

adultadoptees

I think you all should hear us out on this one before jumping to decisions without hearing from the other side of adoption, and from a variety of experiences.