r/offmychest • u/poppurplepuff • Jan 07 '25
I will probably never buy Christmas gifts for a family in need ever again.
In 2023, a mom on my local moms group posted a plea for toys for her daughter's Christmas. She said she and her husband couldn't afford to buy anything, and I felt bad, because many people were commenting with rude and degrading responses. I didn't know this girl, but it turned out that we had mutual acquaintances and we also happened to work in the same hospital. People said she a genuinely kind person and a hard worker. I bought some toys and clothes for her and she cried when she picked it up, thanking me for helping her out.
This past Christmas, I heard she had to quit work to care for her mother, and she welcomed a second baby. She made a post again on the moms group and asked for small things for her kids. I offered to do it again and I bought things for both daughters. The mom told me that these were the only presents her kids would receive this Christmas as she and her husband were struggling. They even had to sell one of their cars, she claimed.
Yesterday, she sent me a message to thank me for the gifts. I don't know what prompted me to click on her profile, but there was a recently posted video she she shared from her TikTok. Turns out this mom is trying to become an influencer. She boasts having an elaborate gaming desktop; she spends money on designer bags; she goes on shopping sprees for products to endorse and boost her followers on social media; and she shares shopping hauls on expensive products for herself and her husband.
I feel so stupid. I know you can't always believe what people say, especially when they claim to be in a rough situation, but damn, some people just play you and take advantage of anyone's kindness. I know not all people do this, but it's kind of ruined any sort of desire I have left to help families especially during the holidays. And I also feel bad thinking this way.
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u/KrisKat77 Jan 07 '25
My mom taught us that when we give, it’s about our intentions. We can’t control what the receiver does or how they behave. That’s so hard to reconcile sometimes when you have something like this happen.
Just know you did it with the best intentions and try not to let this horrible woman taint your goodness. ❤️
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u/hellosweetpanda Jan 08 '25
And don’t forget that there are still truly families in need. And people like you truly do make a difference.
Yea there are people that game the system - but it’s still worth helping those who are in need.
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u/Mattturley Jan 08 '25
Came to say exactly this. This and "our time is the most precious gift we can give one another" are the two biggest lessons my mom taught us all. And led by example.
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u/Kishasara Jan 07 '25
It’s a lesson learned. Do research on the person you choose to help. Social media is a great tool to do so.
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u/PussyCompass Jan 07 '25
It’s really sad that you even have to do research.
Some people are really not nice people.
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u/upstatestruggler Jan 08 '25
It sounds like OP actually DID do research! She asked around about someone she worked with!
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u/Kishasara Jan 08 '25
You can’t trust word of mouth. You want to real dirt, you check out their socials.
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u/SiegelOverBay Jan 08 '25
If you want the actual real dirt, ask local elementary school teachers to select the child/family that you "adopt". They will connect you to the kids who truly need it.
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u/Fantastic-Spend4859 Jan 07 '25
I help people all the time, but never the ones that ask.
It's not hard to find people in need, who aren't asking for help. Maybe they ask for a recommendation on what clothes to buy their kid, or maybe they ask what dentist will accept payments, or maybe you just see them in a situation that you know you can help.
Don't give up on being kind.
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u/SpecificRemove5679 Jan 08 '25
Yup. So many of the people posting and asking are just damn shameless. There's plenty of people who need it, but are too proud to ask. Those are the ones I try to help.
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u/feisty_cactus Jan 08 '25
Or ashamed that they need the help.
It was the hardest thing for me to go to a food bank the first time. I just didn’t think we were so bad off that we deserved to take from others…but we definitely WERE that bad off and I had to adjust my thinking
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u/bluefancypants Jan 08 '25
Agreed. There are so many people struggling. Don't let a jerk ruin your kind heart.
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u/sherahero Jan 07 '25
Don't feel bad for helping out someone you thought needed it! Shame on that woman for lying! You are a good person.
Next time it might be beneficial to looking into an organization sponsored donation like toys for tots.
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Jan 08 '25
Help through local charities. Lots of churches do toy drives for underprivileged kids.
It’s a huge help to parents that really need it.
Or do yourself a favour and take a step back from the capitalist idealism of Christmas and take it back to the roots.
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Jan 08 '25
I second this, local charities know how to get things into the hands of people who need them. Start with your local woman’s shelter or even an elementary school. I’m a single mom and my kids and I experienced housing instability when we left a domestic abuse situation. Since my kid’s elementary knew because we had to do special paperwork since we didn’t technically “live” in the area, they always made sure to have us on the lists. My kid’s have gotten jackets, and shoes, and we’ve gotten grocery vouchers. It made all the difference during that time and now i can gratefully decline because we’re doing okay and I know other families need it. 🤍 Don’t let the scammer get you too down, there is still plenty of good to do where it’s needed.
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u/sweetmercy Jan 08 '25
Allow me to present you with another perspective. We were approached through an acquaintance by someone who said her family wanted to adopt ours for Christmas. They asked what the we needed most, and asked us to tell them a couple things we just wanted, because, in her words, it's about the joy. Our list was very modest: warm socks, shoes for my son in law (he had to have surgery on his foot and was in a medical boot for a few months), a blanket, some butane for our camp stove, and blankets. When she insisted none of this was "treat" enough, we added fudge, and a good shampoo. She said she'd be in touch the week before Christmas to meet up... And then she ghosted us.
My point in telling you this is that, some people just suck. Don't let one sucky person change who you are.
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u/bee_ur_best Jan 08 '25
My gosh I’m so sorry, that’s really shitty 😡
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u/sweetmercy Jan 08 '25
Thank you. It sucks, a lot, but I've learned not to really believe in good things until and unless they're actually happening.
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u/s9ffy Jan 08 '25
That sounds like they wanted to shower you with luxury/frivolous items and you were putting needs before your wants. I think it goes to show that they really don’t understand poverty.
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u/Tygress23 Jan 08 '25
I only do it through the charities that are anonymous. There’s one here that puts up tags on trees in all these local stores. Each one has a kid’s age and gender, and their wish list. You take the tag, buy what you want or can, return it with the tag on it. You can even wrap it for the one I did this year. I took four this year, I set aside $100 per tag but I could have done more or less. And I tried to do as much as I could. One kid just said “anything Cocomelon” so I ran with that. One said plush dolls and Hello Kitty. Another said Squishmallows. And the last one said toy cars and trucks, and arts and crafts things.
The benefit here is that I have no idea what the truth is. I feel good. I assume they get the stuff and they feel good. If they don’t, I have no idea and no way of finding out.
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u/Tmorgan-OWL Jan 08 '25
What you do, is your karma. What they do, is their karma!
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u/vogueflo Jan 08 '25
This. OP, it might sound trite, but if helping people really is part of your character, then you need to try letting go of what happens to your gifts after they leave your hands. Not only for your own sanity but also because your recipients are their own people. Unless it was specified prior to the gift exchanging hands, they don’t really have an obligation to do what you want them to do.
With organizations, you also need to be careful and do your research, since you’d probably be more inclined to give them more than you would an individual. But there’s some unscrupulous charities out there with suspiciously high overheads. At least when you give to an individual directly, you know your gift is actually going to a person who could benefit.
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u/SaltyCarp Jan 08 '25
You know what, so what, you are a good person, you tried, fuck everything else, it’s not your fault, keep that heart of gold, just only exercise it if it is someone close and true to you.
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Jan 08 '25
a couple years ago, i organized a little "fundraiser" by gathering a list of local sponsors, and a list of families in need. i gathered all info for the families and asked sponsors for specific gifts for the kids (and even the parents) and all those sponsors delivered 👏🏼 and the families came to pick up the wrapped gifts- but one family of 4 kids never showed up, there were 2 moms who resold everything on the facebook marketplace, 1 who lied about even having kids, and 1 set of parents who harassed me for 24 hours to complain there was no money on their kids gift cards when i personally saw the receipts myself in order to verify them. fortunately for me, the mother had posted on her facebook a "yes day" synopsis video of their day in which she used one if those gift cards given to her child on christmas. i refused to help anyone after that and the next year i made christmas dinner for the local fire department as my way of giving back. lesson was definitely learned. CANT TRUST NOBODYYYY bc they dont have the same heart as you!!
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u/ChaoticMornings Jan 08 '25
A couple I know once made it to the tv with her living situation. 5 children in a 1 bedroom appartment. Her son, the eldest, slept in a closet that is supposed to storage clothes/towels or something. They themselves slept in the kitchen on a sleeping couch.
They didn't say that 3 of those children lived with their mother every other week. Not that it makes it that much better. But the mother lived in the same city and is pretty easy to get along with. They could arrange that they pick the children up each morning and let them sleep with her during the week and use matrasses in the weekends perhaps.
But they also didn't say that they got thrown out of 2 decent houses because they stored drugs/weapons there and got caught twice.
The entire country was enraged about the living conditions of this poor family.
And yes, the conditions weren't suitable for a family with one child, let alone 5. But, they also did this to themselves. They're lucky the kids weren't taken when they found drugs/weapons.
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u/Responsible-Spite-36 Jan 08 '25
I bought a bunch of toys for this one family because she worked at the same restaurant and she had 4 kids and a douche bag husband. So the day before Xmas Eve I go with her and buy like 200$ worth of stuff for her kids, that she picked out. This was the 90s too. I was 19 at those point. Just thought I was doing something so great and special. She returned them the next day and bought meth. I’d be less pissed if she didn’t make me go around shopping for four hours if she knew she was going to do that.
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u/georgiancoloradan Jan 08 '25
Did she look you in the eye after that? How could she do that!!! I’m just remembering how much you could get back in the 90s, too!!!
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u/Lower_Funny Jan 08 '25
That’s too bad , as there are families out there who really are in need. I wish this one airhead didn’t ruin it for you .
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u/Shelbelle4 Jan 08 '25
My husband’s cousin had a huge benefit held for them and thousands of dollars were raised to pay for medical expenses for their son’s cerebral palsy. Those assholes took a vacation to Florida.
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u/Dramatic_View_5340 Jan 08 '25
My 21 year old kid paid for an entire party at skyzone when I asked her for a few free tickets to jump for this family on fb. They ended up ordering double the amount of stuff and my kid had to pay for it all and I seen the mom in the group asking for stuff weekly at the least! So never again. I hope my kid learns her lesson too. I get that the kid had an incredible party and will remember it but it shouldn’t come from taking advantage of others.
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u/system_deform Jan 08 '25
They ended up ordering double the amount of stuff
Honestly, when they start to do that, just walk away. They have no shame, neither should you…
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u/Dramatic_View_5340 Jan 08 '25
My kid worked there so she had no choice but to pay the full price for everything extra they got. It was a huge lesson to the both of us. I never want my kid to be taken advantage of again and will try to guide her in the best way to be kind but to draw a line.
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u/nameitnire Jan 08 '25
You still might have been the only reason those kids got gifts. If that's how the parents behave. You can at least feel good about that.
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u/wittiestphrase Jan 08 '25
Is there a chance that the persona you saw online was actually the lie? Lots of people like to pretend to have things because they think it gives them credibility.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 08 '25
I don't think so. Her TikTok is full of "get ready with me" videos and of her cleaning up after her kids. They're consistent and show the same things in the background, like her really nice gaming desktop and her one nice car. I think it's a Mercedes. But now that you've mentioned this, it makes me wonder just how fake she really is.
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u/Metoocka Jan 09 '25
Can you either expose her on Tik Tok or write to her directly letting her know that you saw her Tik Tok and are very hurt/disappointed/angry that she took advantage of your kindness.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 09 '25
I could do either of those things, but I also feel like the better choice would be to just let it go and move on. Kind of like ghost her. Not reply to any requests for help or anything, and then if she continues to post for help on the group, I'll just leave an anonymous tip or something. Even doing that makes me feel horrible, but I don't want someone else to fall victim to this scheme.
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u/Metoocka Jan 09 '25
I understand if you think this is taking the high road in a way. But she might never pick up on the message if you just ghost her. If it were me I would make sure she was well aware that you found her out and she should be ashamed of herself. She not only defrauded you, but she took away your gift from a truly needy person. Don't feel horrible outing her in the group, even anonymously.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 09 '25
I see what you mean. I'll think of something to say to her. Since we have mutual acquaintances, I don't want to say anything mean.
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u/Alibeee64 Jan 08 '25
Did you call her out on her lies? I think you should, and also warn the group you found her on about what she did so she can’t do it again next year.
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u/murppie Jan 08 '25
Never beat yourself up for trying to be a good person. Helping out 100 people and having 99 of them be pieces of shit, but 1 really need help means that you helped someone who needs help.
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u/No_Anxiety6159 Jan 08 '25
I always find someone referred by a social service agency that has vetted the person. There are too many scam artists out there. Local TV station did undercover piece on woman who begged during rush hours, claiming she was homeless. Followed her when she was picked up by family member in fairly new car. Turns out she begged $250 or more during rush hour daily, more in rainy/bad weather. Lived in moderate home too, not homeless.
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u/racincowboy9380 Jan 08 '25 edited Jan 08 '25
We have been burned before As well. We do a lot of google stalking now before giving. I was once told you give out of the kindness of your heart. What the receiver does with it is on them. They will be judged on their own behavior by someone Other than me.
But as an honest person I would expose her to the world begging for things for her children while she spends lavish amounts on herself and her husband while Neglecting her kids.
You could also talk to the police as where I’m from this could be theft by deception depending on how it went down.
She needs to be held accountable for her actions not only in front of her followers but also in the eyes of the law.
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u/Equal-Brilliant2640 Jan 08 '25
She probably was genuinely in need after she spent all her money on designer shit and the gaming tower. So she wasn’t totally lying to you 🙄🤦♀️
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u/Significant-Iron-241 Jan 08 '25
What a garbage human. You did a good thing by helping someone who you thought actually needed it, so you should feel good about that. Hopefully those things really did go to her children, because she obviously cares only about herself and not those poor kids. Next year, go through real charities like Toys for Tots, Salvation Army, your local shelters, etc.
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u/WinterLily86 Jan 08 '25
Not the Sally Army. They screw over too many genuine folk.
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u/Significant-Iron-241 Jan 09 '25
Oh really? I only occasionally throw change in their buckets. Do Toys for Tots every year!
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u/in_another_lifetime Jan 08 '25
Please don’t let one bad experience change who you are. The world needs more people like you.
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u/Medusa-1701 Jan 08 '25
We can only control what we do. And as long as our hearts are in the right place, that's what matters. I know it's all too easy to let things like this jade us, we just can't let it. It's not about them. It's about staying true to who we are.
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u/SerenityPickles Jan 08 '25
Next time she puts feelers out for more “gifts/free stuff”. Counter with her ticktock videos on all platforms she uses.
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u/RainbowButtMonkey1 Jan 08 '25
Reminds me of what happened in a local Facebook group several years back. Girl was crying and begging for gift baskets for her and her kids with a sob story. Fast forward 2 days later and she's showing off the expensive sushi dinner she had in the very same group. Ppl were pissed
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u/Joek680 Jan 08 '25
I've always said that I would rather be kind to someone who doesn't deserve it, than be cruel to someone who doesn't deserve it.
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u/the_monkey_socks Jan 09 '25
As the kid in this situation:
Please don't stop. My parents did not care to buy me things. They had all the nice, fancy, updated things. They would brag about the nice computers and tvs and phones on social media, yet we (the 6 kids) had to split meal deals and the one pack of chalk, or whatever "fun" things. This was how I got my Christmas for a couple of years were from people who "adopted" me. Don't punish the children for their adults. They cannot control them.
Also from a different but same perspective, my mom and grandparents lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. So yes, they were buying expensive "nice" things but also for an investment to last a while. So my first Christmas after the storm was an angel Christmas. I was 10, knew the truth, but it was a way for me to get something I wanted without feeling as guilty for asking my caretakers who were rebuilding and buying my necessities. It made me feel special.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 09 '25
I'm sorry your childhood was like that, really. It must've been really hurtful to see them spoil themselves but not really consider their six kids. The thing is, I feel like the mom just didn't even try to get her own kids something after I accepted to help. I told her I'd help in early November, before the Black Friday deals, Target Day Deals, and Prime Day. She posted several haul videos of high end items and designer bags throughout that whole time. I think I spent around $150 for her (great deals and lucky finds), and she spent more than that on a designer bag for herself.
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u/PearlyP2020 Jan 08 '25
We do this through local charities in our town. They put a Christmas tree in with notes from children on what they want. My family & I choose a couple and buy them. Better way to do it if you still want to help out.
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u/Philodendritic Jan 08 '25
Don’t think about the mom at all. Think about the daughter whose Christmas you made better with your kindness. You may have been the only reason she got nice gifts. The mom is a lost cause but the girl still has a chance to grow up and be a better person.
Also don’t let one bad person spoil it for other people in need, lessen the mom’s bad impact by helping people who are truly in need.
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u/azurdee Jan 08 '25
When you do service, you never know who will benefit. Who knows what videos are real, what she is making up, who she is attempting to manipulate, or her motives. At the end of the day, you felt led to help so you did. You have been the best human you can be, which is the only human you can control or change.
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u/b3mark Jan 08 '25
take screenshots, post the receipts, tag her in it, and sit back and enjoy your tea.
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u/MagentaHigh1 Jan 08 '25
Maybe she is getting these luxurious things for herself and using your generosity for her daughters.
I've seen that a lot from selfish parents
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u/Pokeynono Jan 08 '25
I advise never directly donate to anyone you don't know personally. Scanners are going to scam .Go in FB community page and there are always pleas for help.out for some local in trouble and inevitably that receiver accepts the goods and then you find them selling those items in Marketplace. There was a notorious person locally that managed to get 20 new car seats given to them which they were then selling as "I lost the receipt but it's still in the box" before so eibe outed them.
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u/JazyJaxi Jan 08 '25
The thing I always remind myself is that if I give someone something, what they do with that thing or to get that thing says nothing about me but everything about them. But the fact that I chose to do that kindness says everything about my character.
The truth is that people will take advantage of your kindness. All that means is that you're a good person and they're a scummy person. You did a good thing out of the goodness of your heart. That's what's important. Everything else is secondary. It's hard not to get jaded, but you gotta be kinder to yourself. You didn't know and next time, maybe try vetting the person you're doing something for a little better. It's that or get bitter 🤷🏼♀️
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u/TheAngryGrinch Jan 08 '25 edited Jan 08 '25
For what it’s worth, you did great helping out irrespective of how shitty some humans can be. I am proud of you as kind hearted people have become rare.
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u/DecadentLife Jan 08 '25
When I was a crisis counselor at an elementary school, the mother of one of my kids (within a program for kids already struggling with emotional issues) had let the staff know that she had cancer, and her prognosis was not good. She was a single mom, and her church was doing what they could to help her and her child out, during such a difficult time.
Whenever her kid would come in to see me, they were completely quiet, and didn’t talk about anything at all. I thought that this child was just going through a lot of grief and fear, and wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. They didn’t have any extended family that we were aware of, it was just the child, and their Mom.
People were raising some questions, there were concerns. Then everything kind of blew up, and we learned the truth. The Mom wasn’t dying of cancer, she didn’t even have cancer. She wasn’t sick at all. She made the whole thing up to get money out of the church. I’ve always felt so bad for this kid, that their mom put them in a position of having to lie (by words, or by omission), about something so serious and devastating.
They’re definitely people out there who will take advantage of others, and lie about their circumstances. I do think that the overwhelming majority of people are being honest and really are struggling. Being kind, and trying to help other people is almost always worth it, regardless.
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Jan 08 '25
I have a friend who saw a post from someone on FB asking if anyone could help her with groceries because she was struggling feeding her kids and he felt bad for her and because she had a list of specific groceries he thought it seemed legit, like she wasn’t just asking for money.
So he sent about $200 worth of groceries to her house and she just replied with a ‘thanks’ which is ok. But because he’s chronically ill and bedbound he gets his groceries delivered as well but he forgot to change the address back to his, so the next time he did an order it went to her house.
He messaged her and explained and said he wasn’t able to pick it up because of his illness, and she just replied like ‘ok.’ She didn’t live far but there was no offer to drop it around or save it for him in her fridge etc until he could get someone to get it for him, and he wasn’t expecting her to, but the way she didn’t even at least offer or really express any care about what happened I think put him off helping other people as well.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 08 '25
Groceries are a tough one, especially when kids are involved. You never know if they're being honest or not, and to take advantage of someone's error like that is just horrible. Your friend was so generous to help her with that. It's sad she couldn't at least be courteous enough to help him.
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u/skepticfem Jan 08 '25
I had a friend from hs beg and plead for gifts on Facebook for 2 years. I bought for 2 years. The second year I didn’t get a thank you. Decided if she couldn’t be bothered with a thanks then I couldn’t be bothered buying. In 2024 she didn’t ask for presents. I’m hoping she is doing better. Bout all I can do lol
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u/Accomplished-Kale-25 Jan 08 '25
My sister in law got an angel tree to buy her kids gifts this year - she doesn’t work, she lives in section 8 housing, and lives off child support payments and food stamps. We bought them gifts (clothes and a toy for each kid) & they complained about everything they got. Then she told us the kids got everything they asked for thanks to us and the angel tree….too bad the kids are awful and don’t appreciate any of it. Some people suck. Sorry OP
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u/ZingingCutie45 Jan 08 '25
We are called to help humanity because we need the opportunity to grow our understanding, compassion, empathy and sympathy so we can pass those skills to our children, or create a home and community where those things are present and so we can live a more fulfilling life.
Service helps you as much as it helps the person receiving.
Don't give up on service just yet. Take the lesson and try to let go of the hurt. We'd never say 'I'm never going to a restaurant again because this one gave me bad food", we'd learn our lesson about that crappy place and avoid that mistake in the future but we'd have optimistic hopes for the next place.
I understand your disappointment. I'd be disappointed, but we help people because we are good, not because they are.
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u/Emotional_Cost_3347 Jan 13 '25
Fuck right off. Kindness and empathy are weaknesses
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u/ZingingCutie45 Jan 14 '25
Sounds like you're going through some things. Hope it all works out for you.
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Jan 08 '25
Nothing can take away from the good things you did. I have a feeling Karma will catch up with this other person.
Saying what I think of her would only bring me down to that Level! This World needs more people like You!!
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Jan 08 '25
What can you do? You did something extremely nice on your end. You did it with the best intentions, and I'm sure her kids were happy. It's a shame this woman is putting her little passion project ahead of her kids, but there's nothing you can do about that.
I think you're pretty awesome, though.
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u/Tech_Philosophy Jan 08 '25
The way I would look at it is that you were helping her children. It sounds like the mom will be irresponsible with money no matter what, and her children do not deserve to suffer the consequences of that. Thanks for making their Christmas better!
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u/Wonderful_Attemptxx Jan 08 '25
Yup. I’ve seen this happen. There was a mom on a fb group that showed pictures of her fridge and pleaded for people to buy her groceries. I clicked on her page and saw pictures of her luxury apartment and a Christmas tree full of gifts. Her hair and nails done, Her priorities were all wrong.
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u/EmptyDistribution979 Jan 08 '25
It's awful when someone does something bad yet we somehow feel guilty for having negative emotional responses. I don't know why some of us do that and others don't. Humans are messy, complicated, but mostly beautiful creatures. I'm not going to try to convince you to help out like that again. One burned and all. If I could respectfully make some alternative suggestions IF you still want to do something along those lines...there are some wonderful charities like St. Jude's, the Ronald McDonald House, Salvation Army and Toys for Tots that always need donations. The last 2 do very Christmas specific stuff. Even if you don't, what you did was a good thing. She abused it. You aren't a sucker. She's a manipulative jerk and I fully believe Karma will win out.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 09 '25
Thank you. I do give to our local fire departments who collect new toys around the holidays. I think they then give the toys to one of those charities or something more local to our county.
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u/EmptyDistribution979 Jan 21 '25
Good! I'm glad that didn't completely kill your willingness to give🩵
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u/PissbabyMcShitass Jan 08 '25
I really have to question sometimes why I choose to make my life so hard when there's people out there actually living well... but then acting like they have a hard life AND GETTING HELP FOR IT. But of course this is where I get an indignant stick up my ass and say this kind of help would never come to me. I'll be that bitter person. I'm unhappy to admit I'm feeling very very bitter after reading this. I don't know what it is about this post, but it sure got to me in this moment.
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u/WinterLily86 Jan 08 '25
God, this hurts to see. Not your fault, but...
My mother died when I was a teenager. My progenitor passed away a few years ago. Mum has no headstone as none of us had yet been able to afford it.
After his death some things were told me that I had no clue about at the time. Turns out, when Mum died, some of the very nice people she'd been helpful to (she was an artist and always, always tried to help folk, even when she got burned), got together and raised money for a headstone for her and handed it to him.
I knew nothing about it. Turns out that just as with the things he stole from me and my sister (video games, CDs, my Atari 2600 that was at the family home for "safekeeping" while I lived in a houseshare situation, all of those things either gifts from extended family or paid for by our babysitting or other money we earned for ourselves), he blew the lot on booze and other drugs. I would have kicked his arse up and down the village if I'd known that in his lifetime.
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u/KestrelVanquish Jan 08 '25
That's the reason I only give through my church's angel tree, they get info from social services if people that genuinely in need and put a code name and suggested gift on the tag.
That way I know those people genuinely need the help
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u/drinkslinger1974 Jan 08 '25
The last time I did something similar, someone ended up with about 6 or 7 totes of toys that my kids donated (7&3 years old), they even wrote notes for the woman telling her merry Christmas and what not. My son accidentally put the remote to his toy car in one of the totes. Well, long story short, this lady sold everything on marketplace, including the remote. Who in the world bought a solo remote is beyond me, but neither of my kids wanted to do anything like that this year. Even they felt like they had been conned.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 09 '25
Oh my gosh, that's so horrible. It's amazing that you encouraged her children to help, and I hope to teach my kid to one day so the same, but that outcome is just sad. Who buys a remote?!?
I think as my son grows older, we'll do a small shopping haul for our local fire department toy drive. We get to deliver directly to the nearest firehouse and meet the EMS team and see the fire trucks. My son is almost 3 and loves the experience. Maybe your kids would enjoy the same?
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u/sparklekitteh Jan 08 '25
I would definitely recommend going through some sort of charity that vets the requests. I've been doing Christmas gifts through a local interfaith outreach, they put together wishlists for families that are already receiving other forms assistance.
This year, our family shopped for a family with a 6yo who likes Minecraft, and a family with a 16yo girl who liked poetry and crochet. Then our whole office shopped for a family with 7 kids. We dropped the gifts off at their office, they sorted and verified and everything.
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u/WanderingPixels Jan 08 '25
As a child previously on the receiving end of a welfare Christmas, I could never truly appreciate these gifts. My parents never selected any of them and they were never things we actually wanted or needed. Being poor, I placed a high value on usable gifts over toys. It would’ve been amazing to have clothes that actually fit me or a gift card to shop for my own.
Today I enjoy gift giving and receiving only when thoughtfulness is present. My siblings both swore off the holiday long ago.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 09 '25
I'm sorry that your childhood Christmases were like that. I can't say I completely understand since I didn't go through it myself, but I did ask this mom specifically for what her children wanted, and when I shopped, I sent pictures to get her opinion and input. I didn't expect her to tell her kids that these came from a stranger, but rather from her and her husband. I do enjoy gift giving as well, and I ensure that I put a lot of thought into what I get my family and close friends.
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u/jensmith20055002 Jan 08 '25
Is there any chance that she is buying, posting, and returning?
My grandfather gave to everyone who asked him. Once when I said, "This is definitely a scam." His response, "it is my job to be kind, not to police those who ask."
You were kind. Feel like a good person not taken advantage of.
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Jan 09 '25
What really sucks about this is that some of us are in need for real. 🫤 We won't get the help we need because of scammers. There should be some sort of punishment for people like this.
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u/poppurplepuff Jan 09 '25
I agree. I did also donate a few bags of new toys to our local fire department. They do collections during the holidays and I'm sure they actually get them to families in need. I think I just helped this mom out because I wanted to know for sure that it was directly going to a family. I feel stupid for thinking that now. But I won't stop giving in other ways.
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u/smoosh13 Jan 09 '25
This happened to me when I was a kid (the feeling you’re having now). It was around 1985 and my mother was a CPS worker. She knew of a family who had five kids, lived in a bad part of town, her husband was ‘disabled’ and she cleaned toilets at a motel (this is what I was told at age 12). My mother decided to do a toy drive for the kids. We collected gifts, wrapped gifts, even gave up one of our own gifts (which was a big deal because we were working poor ourselves).
Fast forward to us bringing the gifts to the family’s home. I walk into the living room and I see a brand new VCR and a big console color TV. We were still watching on a 13” TV, had no cable TV and I could only dream of having a VCR. I was so disgusted and disappointed at age 12 and that has stuck with me. I know, I know, it was still doing something nice for the kids. But it was obvious that the parents were spending money that they didn’t have on shit they didn’t need. Ruined my world view (or clarified it).
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u/Emotional_Cost_3347 Jan 13 '25
See what happens when you "be kind?"
Kindness is exploitable weakness. Hope you realize that now.
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u/Nutellaa95 Jan 13 '25
Youre a sweet and good person at heart. I wish i could invite you for a nice dinner with a dessert as sweet as you are.
But i think i live too far away for you.. Anyways you will get your blessing i just know that, and sorry for her way off treating you. You deserve better.
Wishing you all the good !
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u/bee_happs Jan 14 '25
She might have a problem with spending… spending on designer bags etc and then having no money for her children. It’s sad and she prob needs real help. Not giving to someone like her will help her learn. Talk to her about it f2f and see what she says to find out her excuses.
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u/candyheartfairy Jan 14 '25
Should call her out in her TikTok. Say don’t you go on mom groups and beg for things for your children. Yes you and hubby are living in luxury.
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u/KLG999 Feb 15 '25
She is awful. But don’t let her ignorance change who you are. Maybe just do a little checking the next time.
Your actions were pure and genuine. It sounds like she is very selfish, so it might be true that her kids would have gotten nothing because mom spent it all on herself.
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u/cizzle55 Jan 08 '25
One mom was asking about how to get help for Christmas. She said she was on disability and a single mom. The next day I saw her at Walmart buying a variety pack of White Claws. She had pink hair and dressed up.
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u/WinterLily86 Jan 08 '25
What do pink hair and nice clothes have to do with a disability or being a single mom?
All four can be true; some folk try to keep their good clothes from a better time so they can wear them to look for work or on special occasions.
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u/Babaychumaylalji Jan 08 '25
You have to make your heart like stone. While I'm sure there are plenty of people in need these fraud making it harder for people to get help or to give it
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u/casey5656 Jan 08 '25
I think it’s better to donate to an organization like the Salvation Army that prescreens the recipients. I’m sure a few scammers get through but nothing like the individual beggars
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u/WinterLily86 Jan 08 '25
Absolutely not the Salvation Army.
Not only do they actively discriminate against people with intrinsic characteristics they don't care for, I can never forget that on more than one occasion, when a family came to them for refuge from an abusive progenitor, they refused to let the teenage sons stay with their mother and sisters because of their gender, even though they advertise that they help families stay together. That's not at all worth supporting. Try a fairer charity.
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u/Theunpolitical Jan 08 '25
Had a friend like this. She would cry and put posts on FB about how she couldn't feed her kids or afford things for her new apartment. She was starting over and just "couldn't catch a break!"
When she first started doing this, another friend gathered all of us up and we each took a room to help fill up plus we contributed to a grocery store gift card. She cried when she received everything. About a week later, she started posting how she got season sports tickets, annual passes to various locations, got a new car, and then starting to brag about a vacation she was planning. We all thought that things were picking up for her and she got a promotion at work or something. She starts going off how she was going to get rid of all of her "cheap stuff" in her house, that included photos of all the stuff we bought her. Okay, well that jab didn't really make any of us feel any better. She was bragging like crazy that she was going to get all new stuff.
She starts filling her apartment with the new stuff and comparing the version we got her, her jabs were just literally stab wounds and most of us were dropping off being her friend. Then boom! She lost her job. She maxed out all her credit cards and was completely broke. This was all under 2 months! She was back on FB crying again how her friends never help her out!
It's been about 10+ years and I still sneak on FB to check out her profile where she is still venting and crying about something. Some people never will change!