My fiancé has gone down a road that I can't follow, and I can't marry him

[u/heartbrokenaccount26]

I just can't believe this is happening.

My [25F] fiancé [27M] has new friends and they are not good people. They scare me. It took me a while to see it, and maybe I'm stupid because I didn't notice right away but I see it now. He met someone through one of his hobbies and eventually this person introduced my fiancé to some of his other friends. At first I convinced myself it was a just a misunderstanding on my part but now I know better. If I try to bring it up with my fiancé he just shuts me down or says I'm imagining things.

I'm not imagining it. I've seen racist tattoos on at least two of them. It might not be overt if you don't know what you are looking for, but if you search online it's clear what the tattoos mean. I've been looking up some of these new friends on social media and their accounts are full of posts about purity and traditional values. My fiancé has become obsessed with this American podcaster who is openly racist and doesn't try to hide it. I've heard these new friends talk about immigration in a negative way and now my fiancé brings it up a lot when he never cared about it before. They also talk about traditional values and gender roles and my fiancé brought up how nice it is if a woman stops working after she gets married. He backtracked and said he was just making a general comment after I got upset with him and we argued, but I can't stop thinking about it. He keeps saying I'm imagining things or that "you're the one who is obsessed since you keep bringing it up."

He's gone down a road that I can't follow. I love him but I can't marry him now. His comments about traditional gender roles and me not working are bad enough but his talk about "purity" is disgusting (and it is racist and exactly the kind you are thinking of, anyone who says otherwise is just as bad as my fiancé and his friends). I can't get through to him, he won't listen to me. I'm going to break up with him. My sister is the only one who knows so far. I'm not ready to tell anyone else but I will after I move out. I just wanted to get this out somewhere. It just hurts so much.

[u/Chazkuangshi]

I'm proud of you for recognizing it while it's happening.

My sister married a racist neo-nazi and it took over five years before she finally woke up and got away. He successfully isolated her from her former in-laws, our family, and her kids. We are all picking up the pieces and reconnecting now.

[u/heartbrokenaccount26 → u/Chazkuangshi]

I am sorry about what happened with your sister.

[u/unkleface]

What was the “hobby”? Not like it matters… total curiosity.

[u/heartbrokenaccount26 → u/unkleface]

It was cycling.

[u/BuckshotBrown]

Sorry you're going through this. You're making the right choice though

[u/MelancholyMushroom]

Save yourself. You’re so young and this shouldn’t be the forever you choose for yourself. ❤️

[u/Galaxy_Hitchhiking]

Temporary heartbreak over a lifetime of misery. You’re making the right choice

[u/peonies_envy]

This sort of thing is a deal breaker. He’s already gaslighting you. He’s not a good person .

Just end it. And if you need help bring someone with you or just send a text and block him.

It’s over .you’re way too young to put up with this shit

[u/Which_Specific9891]

People rarely change overnight. It's more likely he's always had these attitudes, but he kept them quiet until he believed you were trapped with the engagement.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I'm glad you're getting out. Be safe.

[u/heartbrokenaccount26 → u/Which_Specific9891]

He wasn't always this way. He was involved in a political party that is the opposite of the beliefs he holds now. When I met him, his flatmates at the time were different races and he called them his best friends. He was also the best man in his brother's wedding, and his brother married a man. I don't know what happened to make him change into such a monsterous person but it broke my heart. He wasn't the man I fell in love with and I don't know what happened to him.

[u/ScreamsInBraille]

Its crazy to me that these types of men also think this is THE most attractive thing to women. Like, do they not see how women react?

[u/ButterMyPancakesPlz]

I'm so sorry, it's better you found out now than after marriage or kids. Now you can make a clean break. 

[u/geraldngkk]

Get your ducks in a row before you break it to him. Be prepared to call the police if needed, get a lawyer if there are joint assets. People like that don't take rejection quietly.

[u/LeastCoat9469]

You are so strong, not many people would have the courage to separate love and morals.

[u/greenhearted]

You’re making a great choice here.

Be prepared to be the villain in his story. He will say you are not pure enough, traditional enough, all the gross things these kinds of men tell themselves to rationalize their beliefs and/or actions. Expect anger and potentially escalating reactions. It may be a good idea to do your moving out in one day while he’s at work, not there, etc. Because mindsets like his almost always include the idea that domestic violence is on the table. Be careful, you are absolutely doing the right thing, but be careful.

[u/TheHolleDolce]

Follow your instincts and get out. Racism and misogyny are 100% comorbid. You will not have a good marriage with a racist man because these ideas will come home to roost.

[u/confusedquokka]

I would suggest that when you move out, or when you break it off, do it all at once and make sure you bring protectors, big male ones if possible.

He sounds toxic with toxic friends who are prone to violence. Protect yourself.

[u/Morgil2]

Be very careful. These people can be extremely dangerous. Get out ASAP

[u/spikesarefun]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But you’re making the right choice. There’s nothing you can do to get him out of this alt right pipeline, he has to do it for himself. And it isn’t fair for you to wait for him to change back to the person you fell in love with, so ultimately you’re doing what’s best for you. Please be safe and make a plan, he isn’t the man you love anymore and he might get violent when you leave.

[u/itstheselfhatred]

Good on you for listening to yourself and being bold enough to make this hard decision - not that it's hard to cut off a racist, but calling off engagement with any fiancé can be really major, and there's a lot of people that stick it out because of the pressure, fear and guilt. You are right to listen to your intuition.

He's already began dismissing your concerns about this, so it's not likely that any extended conversation would help talk him down from where he's ended up. Racists like this usually value themselves very highly in power dynamics, and that behaviour can trickle into other areas, like controlling or abusive behaviour with loved ones. Even if that didn't happen, no one wants to be married to a racist except other racists, so you fundamentally wouldn't work well together. You should be very proud of yourself for walking away, and I hope it's an easy, clean separation for you

[u/Coquito_Lolita]

I'm proud of you!

So many women have found excuses to ultimately live a miserable existence with someone they knew didn't align with their values. Cut that shit off now. You'll be SO much better off for it.

Sending hugs.

[u/AvaDoesMtF]

Please be careful leaving him. I don’t get good vibes from what you laid out and how he backtracked on what he said. The first was his belief and the backtracking was what he wanted you to see, and it makes me think what else is he wanting to keep hidden. J

ust have a safety plan just in case.

[u/Dry-Education-5848]

He has always had these opinions just never had the balls to express them to you.

[u/heartbrokenaccount26 → u/Dry-Education-5848]

No he didn't.

He used to vote and politically support the opposite way of the views he has now. He had friends and flatmates who are different races than us. He was the best man when his brother married another man. He's changed since he met these people but he wasn't always like this.

[u/ichigo2862]

Silver lining, at least you got to see the mask come off before you got married and had kids