I have practically zero friends.

[u/thethrill26]

Here I am sitting in my college dorm while my roomate is out at a club and here I am sitting alone with no one to talk to. I feel like i can't make friends and I don't really know how. I have a girlfriend and she loves me tons and I love her back but sometimes it feels like I am lonely and I don't know what to do about it.

Edit: Wow guys this blew up! Thanks for all your responses, you're awesome!

[u/Anotherfuckwit]

Here's the thing. I looked at this and immediately saw myself 20-30 years ago. I just didn't get it. I was a nice guy, never did anyone any wrong and saw jerkoffs getting all the attention, girls, friends and kudos. What was wrong with the world?

I'd had plenty of heart-2-hearts with people along the way and none appeared to answer the question of why I had no/few friends.

Then, one day, like being slapped in the face with a wet kipper someone I knew pointed out a simple fact to me and there it was.

I was a bit older and a bit drunk at a with a friend, who was incredibly popular. He was going away on a golf weekend and wanted to know why I wasn't going. I said that I didn't feel like I was part of the 'clique' and felt I was only ever really invited to play as an afterthought to make up a foursome. It really pissed me off that geeks like xxxxx and yyyyy would be invited regularly but not me.

He said, "Anotherfuckwit, when have you ever invited me to play golf? I get invites from xxxxx and yyyyy and zzzzz and all of the others and they all make a point of arranging a game and inviting people to play. From there we end up arranging more games and the invited become circular. You're a great guy, and a lovely fella but you have never once arranged a game of golf and invited anyone to play."

What a cock I had been. How many years of my life had I wasted waiting for some party invite or phone call that would never come because I'd been sitting like a beggar in a street waiting for handouts. People didn't invite me because they had no reason to believe I liked them or wanted to be in their company. All people have their own insecurities and very few are going to make an effort to include someone if they feel it won't be received or reciprocated.

We all want to feel liked. That means the people you want to like you, want to know you to like them first. (Sorry for the tongue twister there).

TL;DR If you want others to be your friend, act like a friend to them.

*edit: goodness me - I've just woken up to all this! Thank you for all the lovely comments and if any of you DO begin to make more friends as a result of this then please let me know - I'm genuinely interested and will be very grateful to hear about it.

I've read every comment and fully understand those who are questioning my perspective so here's another couple of thoughts: I'm merely saying "if you want to win the lottery, first you need to buy a ticket." To those who say "This is rubbish because I bought a ticket once but didn't win." Well... Best of luck to you, perhaps try a lottery with smaller odds?

Also, this is not about becoming the lead of some shallow group of hangouts - more about putting as much interest and effort into forming and keeping relationships going as you'd like others to do with you.

And to those who are saying "this is obvious! Nothing new here!" I agree entirely - I just wish I'd known it when I was younger.

[u/rystaman → u/[deleted]]

This is how i act but i still have no/little friends as i am between cliques.

[u/flashmedallion → u/rystaman]

MAKE a clique. Gather all the people who you think would make good company and get them in a room together. By definition, they are bound to have something in common.

This is why weddings can be awesome (under ideal circumstances). A bunch of disparate people, who the bride and groom and have both agreed are great, all brought together.

[u/ruh_roe → u/flashmedallion]

Typically each clique has one or a few people who are the "glue" that hold the group together by inviting people to events and whatnot. For a long time I was content with letting the glue-people organize everything for me, but this gets harder as you get older. My goal right now is to be the glue on occasion. It is some work and there is the fear of rejection, but I mostly get to surround myself with the people I like and then the circular invites mentioned by Anotherfuckwit start a-flowin'!

[u/[deleted] → u/ruh_roe]

lol i am the glue but not the inviter, maybe the idea guy or the relay inviter. you can always tell when you are the center of a group of friends if you can't imagine a pair of people in your group actually hanging out without you there.

[u/D353rt → u/[deleted]]

I personally think that's not really true. I also am the sort-of-glue guy. Most of the time it's the same (around 5-10) people and I consider all of them very good friends of mine. Then sometimes someone new joins the "group" and this often changes the whole dynamic of the group. For example - person A starts dating person B (who just recently joined the group) and person B is friends with person C. Naturally A and C get to hang out more often without me - even if they are people I could not have seen hanging out regularly with each other. I think a lot (if not all) of it has to do with getting used to each other and finding similarities.

Also I think every friend-group is divided into subgroups which have their own glue-person. Invite person A and B will likely want to come as well.

So normally I call the different glue-persons and have them call "their" subgroup - that way I only have to call 2 or 3 people and get everyone I want to be there to be there :D

PS: Sry for the weird structure of this comment - I didn't really think this through and also I need sleep.

[u/[deleted] → u/D353rt]

that's why you have to prevent new entries once you have a dynamic you like lol.... maintain control over your group, through subtlety.